Messing with Batman

2006 - Gotham City, New Jersey - Wayne Manor - Batcave

I entered the Batcave by phasing through the ground (with the Speed Force) where I located the cave with my x-ray vision. Side note: Phasing is not very easy. It took a while to figure out. It's not as easy as the Martian Manhunter's phasing. You have to control at which rate you vibrate via the Speed Force. It's not something I can do without thinking yet. I hope to become second nature at it.

After entering the Batcave, I hovered far above the huge cavernous dwelling, scoping out the place with my enhanced vision and listening for any activity with my super hearing. I heard a heartbeat so I flew towards the heartbeat. Five batarangs came flying at me simultaneously as if launched by some kind of device; they all exploded as soon as they got in close proximity.

Another device was launched and it started launching these sound waves that were so powerful, you could see the air vibrating or something, just from the intensity. The sound was very harsh on hearing, so I immediately entered Flash Time, flew up to the device, crushed it in my hands, then let it drop to the ground.

I could end this fight immediately, but I'm genuinely curious what he's come up with to fight me. Even though I haven't officially announced my presence. My presence has been impossible to ignore with all of the gangs I've shut down and the quick interventions I've done. I haven't stayed still long enough to have many witnesses, but there have been enough sightings wherein I'm like The Batman - they are aware of me.

Drones come flying towards me launching electrified nets at me which I let land over me and shock me. I just hover there, ignoring the shock until the charge wears off. I remove the net by ripping it off. I remain hovering for foam grenades that get launched at me - they quickly burst open and a giant burst of foam appears to encase me, several other grenades follow and they two encase me. I'm still hovering with the foam around me. From afar, it would look like a giant floating snowball. I start phasing, which allows the foam to drop to the ground.

"Is that it?" I ask.

A batarang comes flying towards my face, and I let it hit my face and bounce off, "No, there's more," a deep, smooth voice says, "But I need you to come to the ground to deploy the rest of the countermeasures effectively.

"Well, I'm a good sport." I say.

I stop hovering and drop down to the ground. I walk forward to the center of the cavern.

"Where do you want me? How about here?" I asked. "Ok. I'm ready when you are. Let's see what you've come up with, Brucie."

I hear a low growl of the infuriated man as he fires a grenade launcher consecutively over and over, huge explosions engulfing me for about a minute. Then, I see a cloud of green smoke; it appears to be a kryptonite gas. Thankfully, I'm immune to kryptonite. But this is a good chance to see if I can absorb the energy from kryptonite when it's in a gaseous state. I take a deep inhale, taking in all of the kryptonite gas. I hold it in, and it feels like I drank a cup of coffee (if I were human, that is) - it's a jolt of energy.

Then, I slowly exhale the seemingly clear air, my body processing the kryptonite for energy through my radiation absorption ability. Flashbang grenades go off around me, other sonic grenades go off (which I immediately disable because they're annoying), but I let the rest of the stuff go off. A handful of pellets get launched at me and when they explode, a cryogenic compound is released, leaving a layer of frost on my skin which I brush off like it's dirt and keep standing there. From above, a container of acid sprays down on me which I phase through because I want to see what it'll do to the floor; and the floor is being melted through.

"Acid? That's pretty gruesome, Brucie." I said.

An even more fearsome growl is released from Batman as he shoots several taser lines at me which bounce off my chest, so I catch them and let them shock me. Then, I make it look like I'm flossing my teeth with the taser lines and let it drop to the floor.

Red sun light surrounds me from huge lamps, turning the entire interior of the cave into a creepy red hell-like atmosphere. I stand there while he runs up and starts pummeling me in this large robosuit with a red sun Batman symbol (red, lit up bat symbol, glowing with red sun energy); his fists pistoning through the controls of the robot. I just stand there while he hits me over and over.

I grab him, smash the red sun logo, tear off the robotic arms and carefully deconstruct the rest of the suit to get to the man inside.

I held him in the air and said, "Strobe lights, acid, loud noises, and now this red light. I wasn't aware this was a rave."

He answers with a ARRRG and starts punching me repeatedly with these electrified gloves. When that doesn't work, he sprays some explosive gel on me, which I quickly rub on my teeth and say, "Thanks, bro! I haven't brushed my teeth yet today!"

He gets even madder, twists out of my grip, throws down smoke pellets, and rushes around the corner near a natural pillar made from the formation of the cave. He releases a signal and a swarm of bats come out to surround him as he launches a grappling hook to the ceiling and swings away. I use my heat vision to burn away the line, quickly speed up to him to destroy the bat attractor signal, then catch him in my arms.

"Awww, Brucie. I love animals. Especially these rats with wings. You gotta be careful though, don't want you getting rabies." I said, as I kiss him on the cheek and say, "Helloooooo nurse!" like I'm in Animaniacs or a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

"God damn, you! Why won't you take this fight seriously!?" Batman yells.

I let him drop to the ground and he does this aerial maneuver then lands on his feet. I quickly rush him, flicking him to the wall. I punch the ground and the entire cave shakes and a huge crater is where I punched.

"You are the type of person that gives it his all. I admire that. But me? I've got a different problem. I feel like I live in a world made of cardboard, always taking constant care not to break something, to break someone, " I explained passionately. "Never allowing myself to lose control even for a moment, or someone could die."

I pause to let the words sink in.

I said, "If you want me to take you seriously, you would be permanently retired from crime-fighting and disfigured...Besides...You wouldn't want me to ruin that handsome face, would you?" I winked and spun him around in the air real fast, then set him down.

Batman had a grimace of disgust on his face at my antics, but said, "I suppose you have some kind of variable-density control or selective gravity negation as part of your power set?"

I answered, "Those labels sound a lot cooler than telekinetic flight. Truthfully, I just do whatever my body lets me do. And I don't seem to have any limits. But I'll let you study my body, if I get to study yours." I winked with a lecherous grin.

Batman gets a strange look on his face, "Are you ever serious?"

"Not among friends," I responded.

"Is that what we are? I don't even know you." Batman said.

"But I know you, Brucie. The moment that changed your life forever. Being in that alleyway as a man gunned down your mother Martha and your father Thomas. Trained by the League of Assassins, or is it the League of Shadows? I forget. You were raised by your butler Alfred. You developed your arsenal through off-the-books/sly accounting of R&D via Lucius Fox. You developed a fun-loving, partying playboy billionaire persona so people will underestimate you and never look too closely beneath your wildly attractive veneer." I described him. "You never kill. It's against your belief system. You feel as once you start, it'll warp everything you stand for. Killing is too easy. And once it becomes too easy, what value does life have? You're afraid of becoming a monster. But ironically, you're trying to become the monster, so thugs will jump at shadows. You enjoy disappearing when people turn around. You enjoy the quiet solitude of this Batcave. You like quiet in general so you can use your analytical mind to parse through data. You're a natural detective and a natural born genius. You have many degrees under different pseudonyms. You've slept with quite a few women, but none of them quite do anything for you. Have you met Catwoman yet? Or Talia Al-Ghul, Ras Al-Ghul's daughter? Have you slept with her yet? Be careful. In one timeline, she drugs you, rapes you, then she conceals a kid you had together that she names Damian."

Bruce's eyes get wider and wider under his mask as I describe him.

"I could keep going on and on about you, your methods, your beliefs, your life, the villains you fight, your sidekicks, etcetera. But I think that's enough for now. So, how'd you come up with the meteor rock conclusion and the red sun?" I said.

Bruce said, "I figured you must be an alien. Nothing with your powers could ever naturally occur on Earth. So, I figured if nothing on Earth could hurt you, maybe something from not on this planet could harm you. As for the red sun, my satellites have detected you hanging in orbit naked appearing to enjoy the sunlight. I figured if you were strengthened by the yellow sun, what would happen if a different type of light interacted with your physiology?"

"You've seen me naked? Well, now it's only fair if we're even. Hold on, "I said and used my x-ray vision to see him naked. "You certainly don't disappoint."

"Did you just look through my clothes?" Bruce asked.

"Yeah, so what? You've been looking at me naked hanging out in space. Now, THAT'S creepy. Can't a guy hang out in space in the nude?" I said.

Bruce paused before saying, "You're much different than I ever imagined."

"I'm glad I exceeded your expectations," I said with a wink.

"I didn't say it was a good thing." Bruce said, trying to conceal a laugh.

Bruce takes off his cowl and said, "Well, are you going to tell me about yourself? You seem to know all about me." He looks like Robert Pattinson. He's 25 years old at this point in time.

I answered, "Maybe I will later. But let's get to business first...I've come to invite you to the Justice League."

Bruce said, "The Justice League. You're kidding, right?"

"No, I'm not kidding. There are many superpowered individuals, metahumans and the like that I'm aware of. Some are suitable for the Justice League, serving in the capacity of heroes or protectors of the public. Others are going to or are already committing crimes and are the scourge of humanity." I said.

"I work better alone." Bruce responded.

"That may be so, but do you really want an organization around that has many individuals with super powers making decisions regarding crime fighting that may impact your city? And what will you do when the threat to your city and our world are under the threat of extraterrestrials, extradimensional threats, or world-ending calamities one person can't handle alone?" I queried.

"Seems like you can handle it all." Bruce spat out dryly.

"I can't be everywhere at once and what if by some miracle, I'm incapacitated or am away from Earth or something. I can't always be around." I said.

"I'll think about it." Bruce said. "Mostly because I'm interested in how you know what you know. A lot of that information would be impossible for you to get. I'll also be probing for your weaknesses. Fair warning."

"Well, if you're going to be doing some probing, it's only fair if I probe you, too, Brucie, "I said, making a smooching face at him.

"Would you stop that already? You're being ridiculous." He said with a hint of red on his face.

"I just want to crack that cold exterior you adopt when you're not playing it up for the crowds at galas. I find you fascinating." I said.

"Really? You're fascinated by ME? Someone with your abilities cares about a single human male?" He said skeptically.

"Well, I am a virgin after all. Too afraid of wrecking my partner's insides. Gotta get my jollies off somehow, and watching you and your little gadgets is very entertaining," I explained. "You just need more sound effects like BAM!, KAPOW!, and ZGRUPP!"

Bruce smirked, "Really? Onomatopoeia? Yeah, that'll go over real well during a fight."

"Can you imagine the Joker's reaction if you stole his shtick and started hamming it up?" I said excitedly. "I would die to see it!"

Bruce had a genuine smile on his face for the first time that I've seen.

A minute of silence passed before I passed over a card with the Watchtower's location and said, "You're welcome any time. You will be safe there. If you want to stop by, feel free. If you need somewhere to hideout or if your cave is compromised or any number of things, think of it as a home away from home. Also, I just left a device by your Batcomputer. If you're ever in life-threatening danger, please activate it, and I'll be notified. You seem like the type to get territorial about your Rogue's gallery. I can just imagine you saying something like, 'Stay the hell out of Gotham' this is my city'" I said the last part in a mockingly gruff Christian Bale Batman voice. "So, let's avoid the unnecessary drama and just say that I'll leave your villains to you. Unless, of course you want me to take down all of your enemies in a single night." I gave a cocky smirk.

Bruce looks at the card I handed him, then makes eye contact with me and nods his head.

Then, I take off to the ceiling, phasing through to the surface and heading to Metropolis.