"Noisy."

"I hate myself"

Well, don't we all?

I stare at my reflection for hours, processing this disgusting feeling for vulnerablity and self hate. I am vulnerable to myself right now. I wonder if people can see it in me that my self hatred is reflected on my face.

I wonder if they see it. I wonder they secretly pity me. Do they feel bad for me?

They won't if they don't see it.

I want them to feel bad for me. I want someone to get me out of this hell hole I am drowning in but I can't possibly be comfortable with anyone seeing this side of me.

I want to seek help but my pride's stopping me.

Is it pride though? Is it pride that is stopping me?

Regardless, giving it too much thought is nothing but a waste of time.

Supress it now. Conceal it with whatever that can cover it properly. Coping? Yeah. Just how do I "cope" in a healthy way? I need to find whatever is triggering all that first.

Time to get out of the bathroom and act as if everything is fine.

"Hey, what took you so long?" Anne asks. I can see anxiety floating on the surface of her face. She seems genuinely worried about me. How sad? Attaching herself to me and bothered by whatever is with me.

"Stomach ache," I softly laugh while i take a seat beside Laura.

"You sure you're okay, man?" Eric asks, though it feels like he doesnt actually give a fuck. He is just... doing his job(?) I don't know how to word it.

I can sense sincerity... from miles away. I pity those who are so overwhelmed with feeling and gag it onto the people they care about, and I loathe those who fake emotions and keep those who're emotionally attached to them hanging and guessing everything.

Ironically, though, I fake almost every single emotions I put out into this world. I would mostly fake emotions when I want something. Maybe this is one reason why I hate myself.

I learned that most people would make decisions based off their emotions rather than thinking it through rationally. Even those who use their head when making decision have this one thing, mostly a person they care about deeply, that can make them base their decision off their emotions.

Pitiful.

Emotions are weakpoints. Connections are weakpoints too.

"Faye!" Eric yells to grab my attention, which succeed. "You good? You zoned out."

"Hey, is something going on in your head? You feel overwhelmed or something?" Laura whispers.

"Because of a stomach ache?" I smile as I sarcastically speak. "Don't worry, Eric. I am good. Maybe even better than you."

That's right. Conceal it. Act accordingly. They were about to see right through me. Laura did though, but I don't mind. She is the closest to me so keeping my guard a bit lower around her is fine.

"Are you sure you feel alright, Faye?" Anne asks.

"Yeah, Anne. Don't worry about me." I sweetly smile, surprising myself how I mastered faking sincerity.

This lively aura returned into the table after everyone made sure I was okay. Laughs and giggles filling the restaurant, mostly made from our table.

Felix goes on reminding everyone with the embarrassing situations they went through and coming up with new comebacks so they can imitate if the sitaution takes place again.

Jaden keeps cracking jokes about his miserable state and how he wants to start doing drugs, followed by Anne's nagging about how bad this is.

Is it weird that I loathe Anne?

It is. Even thinking about it feels weird. It's just she oozes so much emotions and get bothered by anything bad that might happen to us.

She's sweet. She doesn't deserve the secret hatred.

"I just know Faye would be down with me if I hit." Jaden laughs.

"Count me in, dude! If you ever get a grip of that, don't have it all to yourself." Eric jokingly speaks.

"I heard those bunch of losers, you know the emo kids who gather at this hall, sell meth. Maybe you should ask them, pretty sure they sell more than that." Felix add.

"You're not actually considering it, are you guys?" Laura looks at them disgusted.

I click my tongue, annoyed.

Shit. I was off gaurd. Now the attention's on me and the puzzled looks are on everyone's face.

Ugh, they disgust me. All of them, maybe not Laura, but the rest do.

"Wh-what's wrong?" Felix asks.

Seriously? He has the audacity to ask that after commenting on those bunch of losers, the emo kids who sell meth.

The hypocrisy...

You look down on them when you wanna be them so bad...

I'm not fond of those kids he was talking about either, but please, don't trash talk them when you want something from them.

It's the fact that everyone on this table thinks that they're better than everyone.

"Noisy." I roll my eyes, looking at my phone to check the time.

I can sense Jaden's holding his laughter.  "She didn't like what you had to say, bro."

Honestly, I don't like whatever anyone of you have to say, but I am not commenting on that.

"Why?! What did I say?" Felix looks at Jaden confused, cracking a soft laugh.

"Having information on how to get drugs." Jaden laughs. "You do drugs? Cause why else would you know such thing?"

"No, I don't! Those are rumors I hear around." He responds defensively.

Honestly...

Listening and watching them makes me feel like I am watching a lame teen show on Netflix. All what they think about is drugs and sex and parties, thinking this is what makes them look fun when reality is this is just boring and repetitive.

"When are we going to the park? It's already late. I might not get to watch them skate..." I ask, muttering my disappointment.

Watching people skate is my free therapy these days, especially when they pull out the tricks they do when they wanna impress others.

"Right? We can get going now." Laura says.

Everyone looks at his phone, checking the time.

"I might not be able to join guys," Anne starts, "I have my SATs and need to get back on track."

"Ugh, you're so boring.." Eric moans and I hit him on his chest. "WHAT?!"

"Just cause you have no future and not working for it doesnt mean everyone needs to go down this abyss with you." I snap, appathetically though, while glaring at him.

"Aww.. that was mean." He takes full offense to it.

"It's alright, Faye." Anne smiles, "Catch you tomorrow at school,"

We wave to her as she leaves.

"So anyone else's bailing?" Laura asks.

"Nope. We're all going." Felix answers, leading the way out of the restaurant.

Jaden brakes to match my speed, which I was intentionally lowering, and bends to my height to whisper, "Are you sure you okay? You were a little mean back there and seemed annoyed by pretty much everything. Did something happen or is it a random mood swing?"

I can tell Jaden loves me, though not sure whether it's the romantic love or sisterly love. He cares about me just like how Laura does. What I can't tell though is why do I keep pushing him away.

It's always people who crawl into my business whom I hate. I have no idea why does he care about me anyway. Why can't he be like Felix or Eric? I can at least feel less bad secretly hating him.

Ugh... burdensome.

You're so sweet to try to understand, Jaden...

"Nah, maybe the stomach ache is acting up and altered my mood. Don't worry," I respond, speeding up.

He speeds up too to match my pace, "you sure you dont wanna leave? If you don't feel well, don't push yourself."

You know what's funny?

Jaden's the guy who's so popular at school and everyone wants to hook up with him. Even, honestly, I wanted too. I mean he is an eye candy. But there is that thing where once I actually interact with people I liked from afar, I get turned off, and that's what happened with him.

Not just that.

Jaden's also known for his low tolerance of people and how unfriendly he can get. All he thinks about is himself and only himself.

Seeing him all caring and to no one but me confuses me sometimes. It's either he actually likes me and grew fond of me or he is trying to drag me to fall for him, which is something that won't happen cause if anything, I fail to see the point of love.

"It's alright, Jaden," I roll my eyes, sarcastically smiling.

That's right. Smile. Smiling makes you look friendly and will literally drift all the cloudy dark thoughts anyone can have about you.

"You know if something's annoying me, I'd tell you first."

That's a lie.

I would only tell Laura about what's bothering me and mostly not expose my whole feelings to her. But telling him that will make him: 1. Feel special, which is a goal so I can find out what's the reason he is fond of me, whether he actually likes me or playing around. 2. Leave me alone and not press any "you sure you okay" questions cause I won't answer them!

"But you don't... tell me if something's annoying you..." he speaks slowly as he thinks of the times I might or might not have told him.

"You sure? I mean I won't trust anyone with my rants but you..." I mutter.

That was a lie. I won't trust anyone with my rants.

"Oh, come on. Didnt I tell you about how annoying the physics teacher was and how she ruined my day by telling me I look like a stripper wearing whatever I was wearing that day?" I point to him while I talk.

Here is the thing.

It didn't really bother me when the teacher commented on my outfit cause I really didn't care. The matter seemed trivial cause if anything, I dont care what she thinks.

Since I need to keep the balance of my high guarded self and looking like a normal guarded person, I can rant publically about those trivial matters that anyone can find annoying.

They're not a big issue and no one can take such information to use against me and "distroy me"

"You're right... but you don't really talk about what's actually bothering you. I feel like it's all a show. All the rants you rant about, the trivial stuff that annoys you... it doesn't seem like it's actually bothering you. It feels like it's something you do so if a situation like this, where you can pull out the phrase if anything's annoying me I'd tell you, you'd use it as an arguement." He speaks. I can see the concern in his eyes as my heart stops for what feels like a whole hour.

Shit.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

He read me like an open book. He saw right through me.

Wow. I didn't know he was this smart. I'd give him an A for that.

I smile.

I need to twist this and start thinking of ways to be less obvious.

"Wow..."

Act impressed, rule number 1, about how he can come up with such conclusion and make it look like he is intuitive and smart. Make him feel like he is something big but also a safe place, someone I can get back to when I feel down and he would understand.

And how to achieve that? Facial expression. Something I mastered faking. I even mastered faking blushing.

I look to the ground, slowing down my pace as if I am realising and touched by what he said.

Denying it instantly will make it seem like I actually am hiding something.

"Faye..." he mutters.

I can tell from his tone of his voice that I am leading this smoothly.

Looking a bit vulnerable right now won't hurt. There is nothing that can hurt now anyway. He looks concerned. He read me like an opened book. I need to piece some parts of the truth to a lie so I can sound believable.

Though I can't really tell him I hate myself.

What does Laura mostly rant about?

None ending school work and family problems.

What does Eric rant about?

Not getting laid and family problem.

What does Felix rant about?

I never really paid attention, but most probably something that has do with not enjoying his teenage years full on.

Anne?

She doesn't rant as much. She is there to support us and listen to our problems; tell us what is right and what is wrong.

Sometimes I feel she needs someone she can talk to herself.

I look up to Jaden.

Wait... what does Jaden rant about?

Right... wanting to get high cause most probably he is depressed-

Shit.

Oh no, this is what I didn't pay attention to.

How did that slip off my mind?

He's probably assuming that I rant about useless stuff to conceal the real shit cause this is what he does himself.

Oh my god.

God... and now my silence is making it look like he was right. FUCK IT.

I need to be careful next time.

I can wrap this one up.

I smile, sighing. "Family shit," I look away, as if this actually is affecting me.

At the time, this is what seemed the most convincing lie. This is what Laura, Eric and most probably all teenagers have in common.

"It just gets to me sometimes and you know how burdening it is."

I mean, it is true. This is not the main reason but it is true.

Now, rule number 2, dismiss it as trivial and that he is looking into it too much.

Keep in check that he most probably needs someone to talk to, though.

"But it's not really a big deal like how you made it sound. Everything I tell is... real" I decide I'll make it look like I was broken that he made it sound like 'problems' sound trivial to him. "I didn't know you felt like my problems... were... trivial and that I rant to put on a show..."

"Oh no, no, no, no... shit-"

Bingo.

"I really didn't  mean it that way. I was worried something was up. I am genuinely sorry if I, by any mean, offended you and dismissed your feelings and worries.. and... rants as unimportant." He panics.

Tsk, and I thought you were actually smart. I forgot you were depressed and that there was a chance you do that yourself.

"It's okay." I look down, miserably broken and taking full offense.

God, I am mean.

"Faye, I promise I didn't mean it that way..." he tries to assure me. "I really don't."

Tsk, tsk, tsk... look at yourself fucking up.

It pleases me seeing him struggling internally because of me. Some emotional distress he is going through... how sad.... and satisfying.

"It's alright..." I whisper and take the lead.

Intentional plan was to stop and reassure him that nothing's wrong but I didn't know it would pleasure me to see him like this.

I can feel how he's beating himself up.

Pfft... pathetic.

And we're already here in the park.