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Shame | Dazai Osamu x Reader

Abandoned by her parents with nothing but herself and her ability. Shame-ridden, F/N finds herself in the clutches of the young Port Mafia executive, only to find out that love was not something she could seek in him. Carrying this cloud of trauma over her head for years, can she find it in herself to forgive him for what he did to her and start over?

Kamikozuu · Anime & Comics
Not enough ratings
26 Chs

'Space Invaders'

She sighed in pain, that was one hour and twenty-nine minutes too much with Osamu.

"What was the most exciting commission you've had?" Kyouka asked.

"Working with the Japanese government," she tapped her lips, "but nothing ever seemed exciting to me, it all just seemed like senseless typing. I've only been excited when-"

She paused, how could she lie in her answer? She had to lie! They know nothing about her connection to Osamu! Only Ranpo had the slightest idea of what she went through, and she knew he probably linked it to Osamu, which is why he is forcing her to remain pinned to the window.

"When I set high scores," she said.

"High scores?" Atsushi asked, "Like in video games?"

She nodded, "I hack it though, so it's not really skill-based work."

"Using your ability is skillful," Atsushi said.

Ranpo nodded and she sighed.

"What's the name of your ability?" Kunikida asked.

"Shame," she said.

"Shame?" he looked up.

"That's it, shame," she looked up at him.

There was a silence, "but inevitably, the more I think about the name, the more I realize, humans are just complex, thinking machines."

"Here are your coffees," the waitress brought them over.

"Wow, N/N-chan, something more lighthearted, please?" Ranpo asked, "It's my break too, y'know!?"

She laughed and sighed, "My bad."

He wrapped an arm around her neck and pulled her in. She grimaced, please- you might die, the beast inside Osamu might wake up and kill you .

"Her and I are going to go do a gaming marathon!" he smiled.

"Woah- so even a great detective enjoys video games?" Kyouka hummed.

"Don't we all?" Ranpo asked.

She looked into her lap, shame on Ranpo . She quickly picked her head up and looked at Ranpo, the fear of her own thoughts caught him off guard.

"F/N?" he asked, "you alright- you've been acting off, are you sure you're okay? I can take you to the hospital?"

"The hospital?" she asked, "no- no- I can't go."

"Can't?" Kunikida asked, "Why sure- everybody can go."

Her hands shook and she placed them on the cold surface of the table. She looked up and looked at Osamu. His mouth wasn't moving, but to her, they were yelling at her, a stoic expression while his voice raised beyond her recognition. Her ankle stung again and she clenched her fist.

"I need to go to the bathroom," she said quickly.

She stood up and jumped to the other booth and she felt her ankle wiggle under her.

"Is your ankle okay?"

"Yup!" she yelled as she went to the bathroom.

"Your friend is kinda weird," Atsushi hummed.

"She's not weird," he snapped, "there is something that's bothering her. She's a nice person, and she's kind and helpful!"

Ranpo huffed, "She's just- maybe she's sick. It's been getting cold in her apartment lately."

He said and they knew that if he was questioning himself he knew his own answer. F/N closed the bathroom door and she leaned her head against it. She looked into the mirror and she saw her tired eyes and grey hair, her roots already showing. She sighed and she leaned against the sink and washed her face. She looked back up again. The pink bandaid sticking to her head and her cheeks were swollen and blue. She wished she didn't always have to think the worst, but what could she do? All she knew was Osamu, for a whole year he kept her secluded from any kind of interpersonal connection. All she knew was Osamu. She left the bathroom and saw Ranpo on her phone.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

He held up a finger, "Yeah she just got back."

He pulled it down and covered the mic, "It's for you F/N- they wouldn't stop calling."

She nodded and she took it.

"L/N F/N, how can I help you?" she asked.

She grabbed a piece of paper and a pen.

"I see, yeah- I'll work on it tonight. I'm on my break right now and then I have some other requests to get to," she said, "yes I'm aware, but I work on a first-come-first-serve basis. I can guarantee nothing, but the earliest I can finish is midnight, you can make that happen on your end? Yes, perfect, I'll hear from you at midnight."

She hung up and she looked at the notes.

"What kind of job is it?" Ranpo asked, intrigued.

She tucked her paper into her pocket, "some Japanese diplomats developed a new software and wanted me to try and hack into it."

She sighed, "Seriously, something as trivial as that can be done in a minute. Yet- the pay isn't too bad."

"You're a genius, N/N-chan~" Ranpo scooted over and she sat beside him and drank her coffee.

"I'm not a genius," she shook her head, he is , "I just type a few things."

She smiled and they looked at Ranpo, and he cleared his throat.

"I- um- N/N-chan, would you want to join the Agency?" he asked.

She looked at him, "Ran-chan, I can't. I don't work for anybody."

"Please," he clasped his hands, "we need someone who is tech-savvy like you!"

She looked at him and shook her head, "I'm not joining."

He grabbed her arm and shook her, "F/N~ come on- it'll be fun~ you get to spend all day with your best friend!"

She smiled, "Even too much Ranpo can be too much."

He whined and pouted, jutting his lower lip out.

"Please- it'll be fun! I promise! And the Prez can make your ability stronger!" he added.

She looked at him, "Hm- Fukuzawa-san, right?"

They nodded and she grabbed her phone and pulled up a separate screen and typed his name and found out almost everything.

"Woah!" Atsushi was awed as he saw the president's face in a holographic form as information scrolled past his eyes.

"This is my personal database of information," she said, "just a name and a date of birth and all the information is mine. All Men are Created Equal , interesting ability"

She touched the screen and it paused. She continued scrolling and hummed.

"Impressive track record," she said, "but still- no. All I can offer is my ability, there ain't much else I can do."

"Not true- you can," Ranpo placed a finger to his lips, "you can cook- and you can play video games."

"I don't think those are hireable qualities," she scoffed and looked out the window, "Ranpo- I didn't even get through high school. I have nothing to offer."

"I didn't either," Atsushi exclaimed, "and he hired me- and I'm pretty much as lost as they come! If I can get in with no qualities, you can too!"

She looked at him and smiled, "You have a lot of energy, don't you?"

He nodded and she looked at Ranpo, "Fine- if you can beat my Space Invaders high score I'll try it."

He looked at her, "Space Invaders? What are you 90?"

She scowled, "No- I have a traditional loyalty to my first-ever arcade game."

She placed a fist to her heart, "The game that forever changed the way I looked at video games."

"Then let's go!" Ranpo quickly paid and grabbed her hand.

"Ran-chan- your friends-!" she exclaimed.

"-Are right behind you!" Kunikida exclaimed.

He brought her to the old arcade, the old owner cleaning a cup.

"Edogawa-kun, Kamiko!" he waved, "nice to see you two back, it's a bit too early, don't you think?"

"It's important," Ranpo placed two fingers on his forehead.

He nodded, "Knock yourselves out."

F/N went to the Space Invaders game and they saw the demo play she click a button and the high score list was pulled up, they saw the first five slots occupied by a Kamiko , and the sixth was Ranpo.

"Woah," they all stared at the scores.

"You can't sabotage me," he pointed to her, "I'll know if you tried."

She crossed her arms and nodded, "Sure."

He put his glasses on and began playing, but once he reached the fifth score the game glitched and they saw a silver wolf on the screen glitching and the game turned off.

"N/N-chan," he turned to her.

"Whoops- I must've done this years ago," she hummed, "I put in a glitch so that my fifth score wouldn't be passed."

They chuckled and she quickly touched the screen the code ran by her eyes and she paused it with a touch she pulled the code from the script and she tossed it, as it disappeared in pixels.

"Now try," she said and he nodded.

He began playing, but F/N wasn't worried about her score being passed.

"Damn it," he slammed his head to the board, "I got so close."

His score moved up to second.

"Guess I can't join," she shrugged, "shame."

He huffed and she saw his sad face. She looked to the side.

"You're giving me those eyes Ranpo," she closed her eyes.

"Are they working?" he asked.

"I'm not letting it," she turned away.

"Please- just join," he asked.

She shook her head, "No."

She picked up her purse.

"I've got to go- I have some people to hack."

He watched her leave. They looked at him.

"Don't press her if she doesn't want to she probably has her own reasons," Kunikida hummed.

They looked at him and he returned to the game.

"I'll beat her high score," he cracked his knuckles.

They looked at him, "I wish you were this serious about work."

He didn't hear them, but they left to return to the Agency. Ranpo had to go home at closing times so he went to the company dorms and he went to his room and he looked at her contact and called her.

"Ran-chan, how can I help you?" she asked, drinking her ramune bottle.

"The guy that abused you," he said and she paused.

"Yeah, what about him?"

"Is he Dazai?" he asked.

She stopped and he nodded, "So he is."

"He is, but please- I'm afraid he might hurt you, don't mention it," she said.

"I had a feeling, that's why I wanted you to be around him to confirm," he stated.

"Ranpo," she whispered.

"F/N," he said, "I'm not saying what he did was right, but he's changed. I will always be on your side though, F/N."

She smiled and felt tears and she covered her eyes as she cried.

"Ranpo," she whispered, "is it wrong- wrong if I want to see his changed self."

He looked down, "No- it's not wrong, but please- don't let it happen again."

"He said he's changed, he said he'd be ready to love me again," she said, "will he love me this time? Or will he just do the same thing, again?"

"I can't know yet," Ranpo said, "but I'd tell you if I picked up some foul vibes from him."

She smiled, "Thank you Ranpo, and please watch out. I don't want you to get hurt because of him."

"I won't," he nodded.

"Good," she smiled.

She lowered her phone and got back to work. She fell asleep in her office and woke up back to work. She hadn't left her apartment for almost a week. She supposed that the year of jail time in Osamu's apartment taught her how to stay put without a fuss. Her stomach growled and she got up and looked in her fridge, there was nothing. She squinted and groaned. She got ready. She put on some pants and she put on a turtleneck sweater and she grabbed her purse and she tied her hair back and she went to the grocery store. She was picking up some apples and heard people laughing. She tried to shut them out, but one of them bumped into her. She excused herself, but looked up and saw Osamu's face in shock.

"Oh- I'm- I'm sorry," she moved to the side.

"N/N-chan! Candy!" Ranpo exclaimed.

"What are you guys doing here?" she asked, the apple still in her hand.

"Yosano asked us to do some grocery shopping for the Agency," Atsushi nodded.

Kyouka was holding things in her arms and so was Atsushi. Jun-ichiro and Naomi held some things too. She looked at her barely empty cart.

"You guys can put your stuff here," she said, "I won't be buying much."

They thanked her and she pushed her cart and bought some beef and chicken and she bought noodles and various spices.

"Woah- you eat a lot N/N-chan," Ranpo looked in her cart.

She froze, "I haven't left my office in a week, Ran-chan. I completely forgot to get food."

He awed and she went to gather some salt and she also went to the health-care aisle. She looked around and found a bottle of painkillers and she grabbed some hair bleach.

"What are you using bleach for?" Naomi picked it up and looked at it.

She took out her ponytail and picked up the back of her hair and they saw the h/c hair by her roots.

"This isn't my natural hair colour," she said, "and I spilt it all over my sink last week, so I needed more to colour it."

They were awed, and Ranpo pouted, "I never knew it was fake!"

She laughed and she tied her hair up again, "You never asked."

"When did you start dying it?" Naomi asked, "Your hair looks so healthy- and you do it all yourself?"

She nodded, "I've been doing it since I was 10."

She awed, "Your parents let you?"

"My parents weren't that bothered by my actions," she shrugged.

She went to the pharmacy located at the back of the store and she grabbed her ID and her health care card.

"How can I help you?"

"L/N F/N," she held the card to him.

He scanned it and he looked at her.

"Coming up," he said and she placed her cards back.

He returned with a brown bag and she took it from him. She gave her card over and he slid it.

"Thank you," he nodded.

She placed it in her purse and she went to the checkout.

"We can pay for our things, thank you for carrying them," Atushi hummed.

"Don't worry about it," she said as she bagged the goods.

Ranpo crossed his arms and she moved the strays from her face.

"Cash or credit?" the cashier asked.

"Let me," she reached over and touched the screen and the payment was processed.

The cashier looked confused, she held her hand up, but the payment was authorized and she was so confused.

"Have a nice day?" she bowed and she pushed the cart away.

She hummed.

"I think I bought too much," she whispered.

"I can help," Osamu suggested.

She looked up at him with wide eyes and Ranpo narrowed his.

"No- don't worry about it- I don't wanna bother you," she whispered.

"I don't mind it," he picked up the bags, "I don't work anyway."

"See you back at the Agency," he smiled and they nodded.

She was only able to carry two bags, but he carried her other four. He walked behind her, but she felt uneasy so she slowed down to walk beside him. She got to the main lobby of her apartment. She put one bag down and clicked her floor he watched as her shaky hand retracted and she picked up her bag again. They reached her floor and she was at the end of her hall.

"Let me help," he said.

She looked at him and nodded. He leaned down and fished her keys out of her purse and opened the door for her. Usually, he would walk before her, but she went in first and she placed her bags on her table. He did too. The silence was awkward, but Osamu simply busied himself with restocking her pantry and fridge. He took the brown bag out of her bag and opened it. He looked at the orange bottle. Anxiety Medication was prescribed to L/N F/N. Take it once a day with breakfast. He looked at the bottle, he truly did her in and ruined the person she once was. He looked at her, she was so anxious, almost on the verge of collapsing, even with these intense drugs. He sighed and placed them down. She closed her fridge and sighed.

"Damn it- I forgot the ramune," she hissed, "I knew I forgot something."

He chuckled and she looked up at him, quickly grabbing the counter tightly, she needed to stay on her feet if he was going to slap her again. But he didn't he turned his back to her and he turned around and held up two cases.

"You seemed pretty nervous, so I made sure to sneak this in," he smiled.

She smiled, "Thank you."

She took them and quickly put the bottles back.

"F/N," he asked.

"Hm?"

"Since when have you been taking this?" he held up the bottle of pills.

She looked to the side.

"A year after you left," she said, "Ranpo was worried about me, so he took me to a doctor and they told me to take them. Said they would help with my anxiety. But honestly, I can feel them wear off the moment I look at you."

He sighed and placed them down.

"Ranpo- seems like a good friend of yours," he said.

Her eyes widened and she grabbed her shirt, "Please- don't hurt him. He's just a friend. I swear- he's just a friend of mine."

He looked at her, her eyes already welling up with tears.

"I won't hurt him," he reassured, "he's a coworker, plus- you are your own person. I don't want to control you anymore."

She sighed and nodded, "Thank you Osamu, for understanding."

He smiled, "after all, I said that I'd become a better man, and I have no intention of returning to what I used to be. I like this version of me best."

She nodded, "I like it too."

He smiled, "I'm glad."

She looked at the clock behind him.

"Do you need to get back to the Agency?" she asked.

"I don't do work," he shook his head, "I have Atsushi do it all."

She laughed and he looked at her, this was the first time he heard her genuinely laugh.

"You make him do all the work?" she clutched her side, "That's hilarious."

He smiled and she shook her head and wiped a tear. He sighed.

"Do you still drink?" she asked.

"More than I should," he raised his brows.

She nodded, "that will hurt your liver, Osamu."

"Above other things," he scratched his head.

"You stay at the company dorms, right?" she asked.

He nodded, "I'm sorry about that."

He tilted his head, "why?"

"Those look like tiny jail cells," she said, "compared to what you're used to I'm sure that was a hard transition."

"Not really," he placed a hand to his chin, "I like it, it's minimal, comfortable with a good futon. I mean nothing like this gorgeous place, but it comes second."

She smiled, "I tried to get a nice place."

He nodded, "it worked."

She smiled.

"Say- what did you do to my clothes?" he asked.

She hummed, "I only grabbed your favourite set of clothes, the rest I left. It's in my office."

He followed her and she slid open a wardrobe and he saw his old black jacket, black suit, and white button-up shirt. His belt was neatly arranged on the shelf beside it.

"I thought- maybe one day you'd come back," she scratched her temple, "and might want this back. So it's here for you if you ever want it."

"I have no reason," he closed it, "I can tell that looking at this makes you worried, and I don't want to make you any more scared of me than you already are."

She smiled and let out a sigh.

"I should get back, I overstayed," he shuffled out and closed the door behind him.

She didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. She returned to work. The following morning she indulged herself in a delicious, juicy steak with noodles and her mouth was watering as it boiled. While she waited, she dressed in her oversized shirt and shorts and she began bleaching and recolouring her hair. She was just washing it out but received a call. She answered it.

"Hey Ran-chan," she called as the water washed it out.

"Are you taking a shower?" he inquired, she was on speaker as his group followed him to her apartment.

"Obviously not," she sneered, "why would I call you in the shower?"

"Dunno," he shrugged, "anyway- I need to see you urgently."

"Me? Ranpo- I'm working," she said as she tied her hair up in a towel.

"It's urgent, make sure you answer the door," he said and hung up.

She hummed and looked at it, beginning the second round of bleach and her door rang. She had her hair tied up and her gloves to avoid the bleach on her hands.

"Ranpo!" she yelled, "Give me a second!"

He huffed, but when she answered they saw her hair in her hands as she had plastic gloves and he looked at her.

"I see you're very busy," he raised a brow.

"You don't know what it's like," she huffed, "give me 5 minutes to add the dye and I'll be right with you. There's food in the fridge, and meat in the pot along with noodles."

He nodded and she added the dye and she washed it out and she looked, the colour looked great and she dried her hair as she went into the kitchen and saw Kunikida, who was pissed to be dragged out of his schedule, Kyouka who was glad to finally see another female, Atsushi who was amazed at her skill, Ranpo eagerly typing on his phone, and Osamu who kept to himself and looked down. She ruffled her hair in the towel. She took the meat out and placed the noodles in a bowl and she sat down.

"So-"

"Not yet, let me take my first bite," she hummed and she grabbed her favourite pair of chopsticks and she took a bite of steak and noodles and she sighed.

"Okay- now," she began.

"So you know how you said that if I beat your high score- you would try out the Agency," he said and he showed her a picture and it was his name in the top three rankings.

She dropped her chopsticks.

"How- in the world," she asked, "did you beat- me?"

They saw her shocked face, "How did- who helped you? My score!"

She placed her hands to her cheeks and she panicked, "My high score!"

"Accept defeat F/N," he looked at her with a smirk, "you have to join the Agency now."

She ran her hands through her freshly coloured hair and she sighed.

"Ranpo," she sighed.

"You are a woman of your word, now you must!" he pointed.

"I am- I am," she nodded, "I'll try it."

Kyouka and Atsushi seemed excited, but she didn't.

"You can still work by commission," he shrugged, "we'd love to have you buy us things."

"I'm not your sugar mommy Ranpo," she stood up and grabbed a ramune bottle and she shook it, where he could see and she tossed it to him and he caught it. He opened it and it exploded in his face, ramune getting all over him. They looked at him and she smirked. He looked at her and wrung his hat on her table.

"But you have the money! We promise we won't ask for much!" he said.

"Get your own sugar mommy, Ran-chan," she held her hand up.

"But you have the money- pleaseeee~" he whined.

"Fine," she said, "If by some sick joke, I get in, I'll buy you something!"

"Yes!" he cheered, "things on F/N!"

"Can we get things too?" Atsushi and Kyouka looked at her.

She sighed, "Sure, I can buy you two things as well."

They cheered and high-fived. She finished her meal while they watched her and she slurped her last noodle and she washed her dishes.

"Let me change, I can't go out like this," she looked at the dye that covered her shirt.

"I never would have guessed you were into Western music," Kyouka pointed to her shirt.

She looked at it and stretched it out.

"Yeah- I was invited to America after a commission for a convention, so I went to a concert and bought one of their shirts," she hummed, "their music was mediocre so was the food, but it was a wonderful experience and I got to make a lot of people who loved hacking as much as I do."

She said and she went to change. She wore a sweater top and she had on a skirt with a wide belt and she was tying her hair up.

"Let's get this over with," she narrowed her eyes.

He cheered and they went to the Agency and Ranpo quickly got the President and re-introduced them.

"So you're the tech-savvy friend of Ranpo's," he bowed, "he talks a lot about you."

"Hopefully all good," she chuckled.

He nodded, "All good, don't worry."

"Prez, I beat her high score three times," he held up three fingers, "so that means she has to try out for the Agency, give her a mission and accept her!"

He looked at her.

"Not so quick, Ranpo," he hummed.

"Huh?" he asked.

"Did you agree to this?" he asked her.

"I did," she said, "I never expected him to actually beat it, let alone three times."

He looked at her, "since you invited her, you can follow her on her mission."

"Wait- right off the bat?" she panicked, "I'm only good with technology- I have no detective skills!"

"You don't need them," he poked her forehead, "you have it up here- you just don't know it yet!"

She looked at him.

"Something easy will be good," he said and she scratched her neck, "a murder case."

"M-mu-murder?" she stammered, "you're not serious, right? How is that easy?!"

Osamu remembered the way she reacted to the kid he killed, the way she puked with no shame. He looked at her.

"I'll come along," he lifted his hand.

"So will I," Kunikida hummed, "I can't rely on Dazai for anything."

Her hands shook. Fukuzawa handed her a file, which was pretty heavy.

"Do you have a laptop I can use- or anything electronic?"

"You can use Ranpo's, he doesn't use it," Fukuzawa looked at Ranpo as he chuckled. She sat down on the table and the laptop in front of her. She figured out she can work best in unconventional positions. She opened the laptop and placed her ten fingers on the screen and ten screens popped up beside her.

"Geez Ranpo-kun," she huffed, "you have so many viruses on your laptop- I'm jealous."

"Why?" he asked.

"Viruses are just a competition to see who the best hacker is," she hummed and in front of her popped a rabbit and it laughed at her, she remembered this digital mark.

"Oh no you don't," she huffed and she quickly typed and instead of the red rabbit her purple wolf logo appeared, and she smiled.

"Child's play," she whispered.

She grabbed the files and quickly ran through them.

"Yosahi Ikki," she hummed, "what happened to you?"

She flipped and found his date of birth and immediately his profile popped up and she watched as text scrolled past her eyes. She held her finger to it and she found it.

"Found dead in the hotel, 5th floor," she hummed, "midnight."

She brushed her hair back and tilted her head, "let's see what happened."

She got into the police files and found the information. The holograms were moving too quickly for the others, but she seemed to read it just fine."

"Strangled to death, burn marks, on his hands," she read off, "sounds painful."

She threw that screen behind her and she typed on the actual keyboard and she saw the screen of the hotel and she picked up her phone and dialled the number.

"Yes, hello, yes?" she asked, "L/N F/N, I was wondering where you kept your security cameras? Alright, thank you, okay bye."

She hung it up and she pulled up Eyes of God.

"She works fast," Fukuzawa noticed.

"She's like a tech wizard!" Ranpo smiled.

She typed in her login.

"User: Kamiko, granted," the screens blinked green

Her eyes were scanning it and she found the fifth-floor security cameras, and now she watched.

"Yosahi," she pointed and the camera paused when he turned to it.

"Yosahi Ikki identified," the camera zoomed in.

She looked at him and memorized his face. She let it replay and it zoomed out and behind him came someone with a hood.

"Hooded person," she said.

"Unidentified person," the camera zoomed in.

She couldn't identify him. She tilted her head.

"Cannot identify at this angle," the program buzzed.

She held her hand to the hologram and she narrowed her eyes. Ranpo tugged on Kunikida's sleeve.

"This is where it gets good!" he jumped on his toes.