day four: Ivan's confession

The doctor let me off. As long as I don't stress myself I could rest from the house or else they would have to confine me. My phone has been ringing since 4pm and I knew it was Jaycee calling. So after I got home, I begged my mom to let me out. I phoned Jaycee and he agreed to meet. 

We sat at the park, the sun had set hours ago. JC brought soda from 7-11 and quietly drank while I compose myself. I wasn't ready yet but I had to. I felt like I should do this now rather than wait until I couldn't turn back anymore. The air between us was heavy from fear and anxiety.

"So what is it that you want to tell me." He started, avoiding my gaze. 

I looked up the sky. The rain clouds had filled the sky and the wind had turned cold. I felt a shiver. 

"I want to thank you for the days you spent with me." I noticed his jaw clenched. "I had fun, it was great, I am really thankful for those days. But.."

I sighed and closed my eyes. A raindrop fell on my closed fist. Was it rain, or was it my tears? I couldn't tell.

"..It'd be better if we don't see each other anymore." I choked back tears. "Better for me, and for you." 

JC stood up and paced. The rain started pouring, it was cold but I was thankful for it, because I was crying too hard. He walked in front of me, his hands in his pockets. He did not speak, he just stood there staring. His hazel eyes stared at me intently, under his wet, dripping hair. He was shaking. From the cold? Or anger? I don't even want to know. I looked down, watching my shoes get soaked in rain water. 

"Look at me." JC said, his voice much like how he spoke at me the first time -sharp but sweet. I cried harder. The pain in my chest felt like it was being stabbed over and over. 

"Look at me." He commanded.

I looked at him with tears streaked face, washed away by the rain. I could no longer comprehend the pain, the cold and the fear I felt. 

"Say something." He snapped. "Don't keep me in the dark. I don't understand you." He pointed a finger at me. 

"First, you asked me to go out with you, then you hide yourself at the school roof. You asked me to volunteer with you, then tell me it's better we don't see each other anymore. What's wrong?!"

I couldn't answer. I couldn't breathe. I was shaking so hard I wrapped my arms around me. 

"You're hiding something. Let me know. If you really wanted me to walk away and pretend that those days didn't happen, I will. Just give me a good reason why."

He patted my head. "Just tell me why."

I clenched and unclenched my hands, trying to work out the numbness in my fingers. "I-I'm sorry." My voice we're shaking from the cold. 

"Can you stop apologizing?" He snapped. 

I sighed. "I'm starting to like you. I can't keep this up." 

I watched his eyes flicker in embarrassment, then it once again turned dark. "Is that it? You like me, so you want to avoid me?" 

No. That's not all of it. "Yes." I lied.

He pulled me up and wrapped me in an embrace. "You're such a shit, you fag." He chuckled. "You can like me all you want."

I hugged him back but the pain in my chest and the pounding in my head grew harder. My vision started to blur. I cling to JC for support but everything blacked out.