1 Selfihness

2010, the month of March.

In the Jember courtroom.

The judge had knocked the hammer, and Rayhan was sentenced to one and a half years imprisonment because he was proven to be one of the perpetrators of illegal logging in Jember Meru Betiri National Park (TNMB), although not commercially.

Because the case was relatively minor, with only a few logs taken by Rayhan when he was caught in the hands of the Special Forestry Police (Polsushut), the adult man was sentenced to prison in the Jember prison.

During the reconstruction of the scene at the Crime Scene (TKP), Rayhan was declared not part of illegal logging by problematic parties that the Forestry Special Police had been aiming for.

The sentences are arguably less severe than the others, averaging more than 5 years in prison and fines of several millions or billions.

During the trial, Rayhan did not appear to raise his head even once. He didn't dare and was too embarrassed to look at Lyana at this time.

Rayhan's mind was filled with endless regret and pressure.

For the mistake he was forced to commit, Rayhan never expected that he would be caught in the end.

When he is cornered by the need to feed his family, he recklessly joins his neighbors in stealing wood to sell.

Within one year Rayhan joined his neighbor, collecting sonokeling wood and teak wood from the forest. Rayhan earned a decent wage compared to odd jobs as a carpenter which he had been doing for years.

You could say that 7 times during one year Rayhan went to the forest. And usually, he just came down the mountain with 2 or 3 heavy logs on his pelvis over his shoulders.

Together with his neighbors, he will immediately sell the wood to the only building shop in the village.

So far they also cut down illegally, only some wood according to their needs.

But other greedy humans are blinded by the abundance of money and make other people worry by doing illegal logging, to the point of pulling the feet of small people like him, being pulled into mud puddles together even though what they get is very different.

It's useless this time, the rice has turned into porridge.

Even if Rayhan dodged the accusations accusing him of being one of the illegal loggers, that would not relieve him of the fact that he also took part, taking wood on land that was already the right of the government.

Rayhan let out a frustrated sigh and his languid face looked like he had aged ten years.

In the center of the chair in the courtroom, Lyana sat up straight with a cold face.

The beautiful woman continued to look at Rayhan with mixed eyes.

Her heart was filled with anger, resentment, and despair. Her hands were clenched tightly on her knees. And she went straight out of the room after the judge knocked the hammer, which signaled the trial was over.

Lyana was waiting for Rayhan, at the end of the hall at a different exit, Rayhan was handcuffed and led by the police walking past.

"Wait a minute ..." it was Rayhan who begged the police beside him to be allowed to speak briefly to his wife.

Lyana didn't move where she stood. She was waiting for a man who became her husband to approach.

For some reason that surfaced, Lyana was staring coldly at her husband's limp shoulders who looked pitiful. It will always be like that, this man, who never enters his eyes, acts hypocritically as if he is a victim when in fact he is a selfish criminal, locking herself in a cage of submission and submission to a wife.

Rayhan gulped hard, his head still bowed very embarrassedly, in front of his wife, the man did not dare to do anything, even though he looked weak, but his determination to maintain something that he thought was valuable could be said to be a blinding obsession. The man said in a trembling voice and his head kept lowering his head, "Lya ... I-I'm sorry. Because of me, you will have to bear a heavy burden in the future. I-I just wanted to say ... please take care of the children. Emm ... Please ... Wait ... " His voice faltered and soft," ... Wait for me to come back." His great-grandson was frail with doubt.

Think of him as a selfish and cowardly man. Because that's how he was all this time. He understood what Lyana wanted all this time, but he selfishly never gave it to his wife.

Freedom. Free from the trap of poverty, and free from living with losers like him.

His wife wanted so much to be free and enjoy life with herself, Rayhan knew that from a long time ago, but because of his immense love for her, he didn't want to give it.

Rayhan selfishly prefers to endure the hatred Lyana has directed at him rather than having to watch the person he likes to go out with another man.

Lyana raised her hand, and a loud slapping sound was found by Rayhan later.

Plakk!

The man's face was immediately thrown to the side, his cheeks hot and sore but Rayhan accepted it without much complaint. However, he deserves it.

Even though they are now an interesting spectacle, both Lyana and Rayhan choose to ignore and focus more on their endless problems. It seems that this problem has never ended since long ago.

"You still don't want to let me go, huh!" Lyana coldly and angrily said to Rayhan. She thinks this is the time, the time for her to be free to do whatever she wants. But again, fate treated her so badly that it continued to make her unable to escape from this selfish man in front of her.

"Sorry ... I can't let you go," Rayhan said one last time. The man's head ducked low, as if he did not dare to look at his wife whom he had married a long time ago, but never loved himself.

Lyana left with a face hardened with anger from the trial venue. And Rayhan stared at the departure of the woman he loved with a face full of regret.

The one-sided love left a sore cut in the hearts of both of them.

Rayhan closed his eyes to cover the pain that had returned to the surface. He tried, at least to get rid of Lyana's gaze who was like a hopeless person just now.

You are selfish.

From the first, you've been very selfish, Rayhan.

Lyana's words kept buzzing in the grown man's fear, pain, and guilt rending his heart until he wished that his heart would rather just die.

A tear fell from the cheek of the grown man, with his back looking weak and thin, Rayhan was taken away by the Police to the detention room.

On the nights Rayhan felt while he was in prison. The feeling that makes it suffocate will continue to accompany his loneliness. Will continue to exist in every journey of his life.

***

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