1 The surgery

"MOM! Where are you the taxi's already here?!" I screamed as I tied my shoe.

"I'm coming for god's sake! Wait in the car if you've no patients!"

It was a windy morning on a Monday in October, both me and my mom were rushing to the hospital since I was already late for my surgery. I was having foot surgery for the 3rd time due to a car accident.

" I swear mom, if we're late again and the doctor cancels-"

"If he cancels, it's for good! god has planned good to come to us if anything happens today" intrepted mom.

I was 13 years old at the time, in middle school 7th grade. I was Muslim and lived with my strict religious mom. I was basically not allowed to do anything, except go to school and come home after. My mom didn't have a job so she couldn't put me in a private school. However, I was very different from my mom. I wasn't religious at all, I was a different person at school and also had different beliefs than my mom. I was a Muslim too of course but had a different view of it. My mom doesn't allow me to watch movies, listen to music, hang out with friends, use social media or even have a phone. It was hard for me to do those things without my mom knowing, and I knew that one day my life would come to an end if she found out.

"Name please?" said the recipient at the hospital.

"Zelena." " Zelena Darwish," mom answered.

"You are 30 minutes late so there will be a $35.00 fee, but your doctor is still here so you can go ahead and pay when you're finished." Continued the recipient.

We went into the waiting room and sat down and waited for 20 minutes.

"If they were just going to make us sit here and wait, why did they rush us here?" I said as I rolled my eyes.

" They didn't, you did." answered mom.

" By the way, dad said he was coming…" I ignored and continued. "Why? Did you ask him to?" asked mom. "No, he just said he was"

"You sound like you believe him, '' he said he would come for the last 2 surgeries too. But he didn't come did he?"

I didn't have an answer, just stayed silent.

"Zelena Darwish?" The nurse called. " yes, over here," Zelena responded.

The nurse told us to follow her so that I can get ready for the surgery. I was kind of already used to the whole thing from the last two surgeries. But this time it was a different hospital so the clothing and everything was weird. Also I have this thing where I have to compare myself with every person I see or meet. Even some cashiers I see at a cafe, my question is always the same. How is it possible that we are both humans and we look this different? I am 13 years old but I look about 18-20 so people who are older then me look so pretty and young and here I am looking old as fuck at 13.

"Another nurse will come and take you to the surgery room shortly," The nurse continued.

I went in and it was about 10 am in the morning at the time. But when I got out it was 3-4 pm and my mom and my best friend were waiting for me. It was a long surgery, I don't remember it taking this much time when I did the last two surgeries. We went back home, and I was still high so I just went to sleep. I couldn't move much so my mom had to make food and everything and bring it to my room, and I kinda felt bad. Later on that night my mom surprised me with a gift and the fact that it was a phone made me so happy. She brought it for me so that I wont be bored since i can't go to school. I turned it on and texted my best friend right on. We talked and face timed the whole night almost, I had nothing to do anyway so I talked to her. I also started watching k-dramas because of her. I would tell my mom I was working on my homework or studying and would watch k-dramas on my laptop.

The next day my best friend came to visit me and we were watching Tik Tok together. As we scrolled she saw her favorite boy band "BTS" and told me about them. I wasn't interested at first, I just thought of them as some weird boys that look like girls dancing and stuff. After some time, I was scrolling through YouTube and saw this new music that says "chicken nodule soup" by Becky G and BTS j-hope. I thought why not look at it since I was a big fan of Becky G anyway. I saw the music video, loved it and wanted to look into BTS more. So I searched them up listen to a lot of their music and watched their interview, fan signs, everything. I did this all in one night, and of course without my mom knowing.

That's how it all started, my love for BTS and the horrible things I did in order to love them freely without having to hide from my mom.