Hesitation

After hanging up the phone with Jackson, I continued to study for a while longer... But my mind drifted off.. because of how we said our goodnights...

Neither one of us said "I love you" and for some reason.. that just felt strange and odd...

To be completely honest, I wanted to say it. Of course. Like why wouldn't I?

However, I recall that I once had a conversation with Jackson and what he said made me hesitated.....

**Flash back

After a few weeks of being Jackson's girlfriend, I told him that I loved him and he somewhat hesitated to say it back to me... I questioned him...

Me: I'm sorry... Did saying "I love you" make you feel uneasy?.....I'm just saying it because I mean it... Sorry, but I don't just go out with anyone. If I was to go out with them, it only makes sense if I was to truly be in love with them & well.. I am in love with you.

Jackson was silent...

I'm sorry.. I said again.

Jackson then replied.

Don't be sorry you dork. I know you love me because I can see it in your eyes and just know it means a lot.

Me: Yeah?.... ok.. but what's wrong?

Jackson: Well... To be honest.... okay.. To be honest, I'm scared to say it to you. Not because I don't want to.. it's because well.. It's hard to explain.. I'm just scared because.. well in the past, I "fall" in love too quickly or say ' I love you' too quickly which usually leads to break up with girls. Especially saying I love you within the first few days/ months.... Hence, I'm scared of saying it too quickly or too soon because I'm worried that by saying it too soon, or even just saying it, our relationship is going to end quickly.....I know it's odd... BUT...

I stopped Jackson and said, "Baby... you don't need to explain.."

***Back to present moment and I'm thinking.

Since then.. Jackson and I haven't talked about this subject... but I cannot help but feel extremely weird not saying those 3 words to him when I truly feel something for him.

I then decided to write him a letter... because I'm not sure if I can express what I wanted to face to face...

**To sum up the letter, I said, "Baby, I understand your hesitation to say "I love you to me, when you're afraid based on what has happened in the past. However, I want you to know what I;m feeling inside and so I just want to let you know, that I love you. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad because you aren't saying it. I'm telling you this because I mean it. Thus, I'll always say it to you, even if you don't say it back to me. Just know that I'll be waiting until you say it to me one day. And when that time comes, I'll be super happy... so, Jackson, I love you. I love you very much.

I folded up the letter and cleared off my desk and went to bed. The next day after school, I went to work and I put the letter into Jackson's mail-slot.