Hot Guys Aren’t Really That Hot & Are Really Overrated

Andrea, Etherea, Juno, and Oakley had wandered around the Outerlands for over a week since they had welcomed Johno into the fold, and they had struggled to keep up their motivation. The lack of direction had taken its toll, and their spirits had been low. Princess Andrea and the others knew that they were lost and needed help if they were going to track down the Evil Villainess' fortress.

As they worked their way through the forest, the hairs on the back of Andrea's neck stood on end. The air had been still, and the silence had been so absolute the group could hear their own hearts beating in their chests. The trees had been twisted and gnarled, the bark ashen grey, branches reaching out like skeletal fingers towards the sky.

The knots protruding from the wood had resembled faces, frozen in a rictus of pain and despair. Some had been twisted into grotesque snarls, while others seemed to weep tears of sap. The further they walked into the forest, the drier it had become, the dirt beneath Andrea's feet starting to crumble and crack, as though it had not seen rain in centuries - a lifeless corpse of wasted ruin.

Andrea wondered if the forest had been cursed, drained of all life and colour. No flowers bloomed, no birds sang, and no animals scurried about. Even the sunlight seemed to be muted, casting everything in a sickly grey light. Andrea shuddered and pulled her cloak tighter around herself, wondering what dark magic the Evil Villainess used to cause this forest to wither and die.

Princess Andrea had found herself lost in thought for many days on the road. Particularly, she thought of Greencourt, her far away Kingdom. For the first time in her life, Andrea saw her home in a different light. The poverty and hardship that many of her subjects endured were evident in the Outer Lands markets, and it struck Andrea that she had never cared enough to notice or do anything about it. Andrea had been living a life of privilege, disconnected from the struggles of her people. As she pondered on her thoughts, she made a vow to herself that when she returned to Greencourt, she would work to make her parents cut the citizen's taxes and ensure that they had better access to basic needs. She wanted to be a good queen to her people, something she never really cared about before. Andrea was displeased at herself for not noticing earlier, but she also recognized that all she could do was prevent it from happening ever again under her and Prince William's rule.

---

Another day passed of the group wandering through the forest. As Princess Andrea and her companions trekked through the eerie woods, they saw an old hag wrapped in tattered rags, sitting on a decaying tree stump just ahead of their path. Her presence seemed to fill the air with ominous energy, causing Etherea to hesitate and Juno to scowl as they drew closer. With a gnarled hand, the hag slowly pulled back her hood, revealing her wrinkled and weathered face and soul-piercing violet eyes.

Princess Andrea stepped in front of the group, much to Etherea's distaste. Etherea didn't know if this woman could be trusted. But before she could intervene, Andrea spoke.

"Excuse me, ma'am," Andrea called, "We mean you no harm. We are travellers looking for the castle that houses the Evil Villainess. Would you happen to know where it is?" Andrea finished.

The old woman looked Andrea up and down, drinking in every feature of the Princess, making Andrea shiver. At first, the woman's expression was stern and uninviting, but as she spoke her mouth broke into a slow smile.

"I believed it was that way, pretty girl," the hag croaked out, pointing further into the forest.

Oakley had pulled out a compass from his seemingly never-ending backpack. He flicked it before the arrow sprung into place. "That's Northeast from here," Oakley informed the group.

Andrea smiled at the young boy, sighing in relief that the group finally knew where they were going. The Princess turned back around to thank the old woman for her assistance, but the hag was nowhere to be seen. Despite Andrea and her companions being unable to shake the feeling that there was more to this old hag than met the eye.

They continued their journey, now with a direction to follow, but instead of the others being rejuvenated by this new direction, Andrea realized everyone was exhausted. Oakley's eyes were drooping, Juno was quiet instead of biting his usual crabby remarks, and even Etherea's wings were drooping low. All except Johno, of course, who seemed to be taking in every surrounding like it was the first time he'd ever seen it. Andrea could have sworn she saw the man stroking a tree the other day, but Andrea figured maybe he just really loved nature. The man never seemed to be low in morale, no matter how many hours the group had travelled.

Just as Andrea was about to suggest they should stop and rest for the evening, Johno looked between Etherea and Juno, before his eyes seemed to settle on Juno.

"Can you please stop that incessant mumbling Juno? It's just plain rude of you to speak about Andrea that way," Johno demanded.

Absolutely flabbergasted by the tone Johno was using, Juno opened and closed his mouth a number of times. "What on Earth do you mean you incessant oaf! I was muttering about how sore my hooves are, you little twit!" Juno managed to get out.

"That's not what I heard, you over-hyped horse. You were calling the Princess bratty and stupid, I heard every word."

Andrea wasn't fazed by this, as the unicorn did regularly call her these things, plus much worse. But Juno wasn't giving an inch.

Johno and Juno faced each other, glaring. "What's your problem, Johno?" Juno demanded, his voice low and gruff.

"My problem? You're my problem, you grumpy old unicorn. You're this whole group's problem," Johno shot back, his fists clenched at his sides.

Juno snorted. "I may have been old, but at least I'm not as suspicious as you!"

"You're old enough to be my grandfather," Johno retorted.

"Age doesn't mean anything, young whippersnapper," Juno grumbled. "But you're right about one thing - I am a grumpy old unicorn, but at least I didn't show up out of nowhere and latch onto the princess like a grimy grub. I bet you were one of those lads who fancied himself a royal. Well, I've got news for you!"

"That was an outright lie, and you know it! All I did was make myself useful. I saved you from those shadows! What have you done, huh? You're just bringing the group down with your grumpy attitude," Johno fired off, taking a step forward.

"Grumpy?! I'm grumpy because of people like you," Juno replied, also trotting closer. "You're rubbing my coat the wrong way, mate. Just blowing on in and defeating those shadow monsters with a few slaps after we slaved away at them with bombs and swords for ages? It doesn't get more suspicious than that, boy!"

"I didn't like what you are implying," Johno said, his voice rising. "You shouldn't lie in front of everyone like this. What sort of example are you setting for the young boy, Oakley, carrying on like this?"

Oakley overheard this and a frown crossed over the boy's features, "Hey! I'm not that young, and I know Juno wouldn't lie."

"Oh really? And how do you know that?" Johno asked.

"Because Juno is my friend, and friends don't lie to each other."

Johno rolled his eyes, exasperated by Oakley's insistence, "Well, I'm just saying that it's important to be honest, especially around young kids like Oakley here."

"I am right here, you know. And I don't need you of all people to tell me what's important. You may be an adult, but Juno is my adult now! I know that honesty is important, but I also know that Juno wouldn't lie to me."

Johno responded in a hushed tone,"And I know you're an annoying brat, you stupid little-"

Suddenly, Juno lunged forward and bit Johno on the ankle. Johno yelped in surprise and pain, hopping on one foot.

"What the hell, Juno?!" Johno yelled, rubbing his sore ankle.

Juno sprinted off in fury, evading Johno's grasp by an inch. Johno, realising the others were watching him, seemed to reset himself. "I'm going to go and roll out the sleeping mats," he stated, lowering his eyes.

Etherea and Andrea exchanged a look, silently communicating with each other.

"I'll go get the old bugger, you just take care of Oakley, Andy," Etherea spoke over her shoulder as she fluttered into the forest after Juno. Andrea had only ever seen the fairy use her wings when she was rushed - was it really that bad?

Andrea bent down and grabbed Oakley's hand. "Why don't you and I collect some firewood, yeah Oak?" The boy nodded, leading Andrea to the edge of the forest to pick up twigs.

Johno, Andrea, and Oakley set up camp in a tense silence. Each of them was lost in their own thoughts, thinking about the afternoon's events and the dangerous mission ahead. Once they had everything prepared, they began to cook dinner with the meagre supplies they had. The sound of sizzling food was the only noise in the otherwise quiet forest, as the trio focused on the task at hand, each lost in their own thoughts.

Juno and Etherea returned, the former much calmer than when Andrea had seen him last. Juno didn't speak to Johno, but at least they weren't trying to fight each other anymore. Andrea felt exhausted both physically and emotionally after the long day of travelling and arguing. Her body ached and her head felt heavy, filled with worries about the upcoming battle with the Villainess. She knew she needed some fresh air to clear her head, so she decided to go for a walk to ease her mind and stretch her tired muscles.

—

As she walked, Andrea heard water rushing over rocks. Curious, she followed the sound until she discovered a small pond that had a waterfall flowing into it. Beside the pond sat a very attractive man.

Andrea's breath caught in her throat as she gazed upon the man before her. He was tall and muscular, his sun-kissed skin glowing with a golden sheen. His deep brown eyes were lined with kohl, accentuating their mesmerising intensity. His hair was a cascade of tight black curls, artfully cropped to highlight the sharp angles of his jawline. He wore an intricately designed teal cloak, with coppery gold embroidery and beautiful craftsmanship that hinted at his wealth and status. To match, he had gold earrings, bracelets, and nose rings. Andrea realised he was very handsome.

At first, Andrea was nervous, but when the man looked up and made no move to attack her, she sighed in relief.

"Hello there," the Princess said.

The man winked each of his eyelids slowly, as if his brain needed a reset. He shook off his malfunction, face lighting up at the Princesses' now close proximity.

"Why hello you luminescent bell. Please, come sit with me by this gorgeous stream of rambunctious water," he implored, rubbing the grass beside him in slow, wide circles.

Andrea crouched next to him. "Who are you? What are you doing this deep in the forest?" she asked.

The man stroked his jaw as he pondered a question Addrea thought was really quite simple.

While he tapped parts of his face with his pointer fingers, he responded, "Who am I? That's such a hard question to define. I could be the wind that blows through the trees or the laughter that echoes in the night," he responded whimsically, his hands fluttering down next to his sides.

Andrea frowned, "That doesn't really answer my question."

"Ah, but my dear, sometimes questions are better left unanswered. Like, what came first, the chicken or the egg? Who knows? But have you heard the one about the three-legged dog that walks into a saloon?". The man's face was dead-serious, before he tipped back his head and his body shook with laughter.

Andrea, now thoroughly confused, shakes her head. "No, I haven't. Can you please just answer my question?"

He wiped tears of laughter from the corners of his eyes, before rubbing said tears onto a handkerchief he had pulled from his pocket. He rolled the handkerchief as tightly as possible, before pulling out a vial from his cloak and adding the cloth inside the vial.

Andrea sighed, seemingly bringing the man back to reality once again.

He started, "Oh, I apologise. I'm just a traveller, a wayfarer, gently passing through, or rather, I'm looking for something. I don't know what, but I will soon. As for who I am, that changes with each step I take. Today, I'm just a strange, handsome man with a love for riddles and a knack for getting lost. Would you like this vial?"

Andrea opened her mouth to protest this next strange chorus of answers he'd given her when he stood up abruptly, taking his vial with him.

"I have to fly away my beautiful little dove, the sun shall rise and burn its rays onto my beautiful skin! I shall fly away and see you again soon!". With this final remark, he skipped away, humming as he went.

Andrea, exhausted at this point, burst into a fit of giggles. Andrea sat by the pond entirely alone, and tears streamed down her face as she even began to snort. She knew she should straighten herself, as proper Princesses don't snort, but in that moment she couldn't care less. She seemed to be meeting the weirdest people on this journey.

…

When Andrea returned to the campsite, the sun had risen, and Johno was at it again, this time picking on Etherea.

"What's your problem this morning, Etherea? You're being awfully snappy and controlling," Johno accused.

"Excuse me? I was just trying to get us packed up efficiently so we can resume our journey. If you would actually help instead of complaining, we could get this done faster."

"Oh, so now I'm the problem? You always seem to be like this, trying to control everything and everyone around you."

"That's not true at all! I just want us to be successful on this mission, and that means being organised and efficient. You're the one causing problems by being lazy and argumentative."

"Lazy? Argumentative? You were the one starting arguments and micromanaging every little detail. Can't you just lighten up for once?"

"I am not micromanaging; I was just trying to make sure we are prepared. Just because you seemed to be able to kill shadow monsters by clicking your heels, doesn't mean the rest of us could. And I will not 'lighten up' when it comes to the safety of my friends, you absolute scoundrel!"

As Etherea's tone rose, the enchantress began to rise above the ground. Balls of light energy formed in the palms of her hands, growing larger and swirling faster with every moment.

"You know, Johno, I can't help but wonder if you're secretly working for the very Evil Villainess we are trying to defeat," Etherea accused. She was taking on a strange energy now, like her power was taking over.

"What? That's ridiculous! Why would you even think that?" Johno chuckled nervously.

Etherea laughed leisurely, "Well, for one, you've been acting suspiciously ever since we met you. You were alright at first, but one week in and you're already questioning my every move? Only Andrea is allowed to be insufferable around here - and that's because she is bloody paying me! And then you started an argument with Juno yesterday! It's almost as if you were trying to sabotage us!"

At this point, Etherea was shouting, her voice booming over the campsite.

Johno put his hands up in defeat, "I'm not trying to sabotage anything! I just think you were being a bit overbearing this morning."

"Oh my god! Can't a man have an opinion? It was always the same with you high-strung fairy types! You always think you are so much better than us!" Johno yelled sporadically.

And with that, Etherea screamed, throwing a ball of white-hot light straight at Johno.

But Johno narrowly dodged Etherea's ball of light, but not quickly enough. Johno's skin began to ripple and contort as if something was trying to escape from within.

Suddenly, his human form melted away, replaced by a grotesque and intimidating creature. His green exoskeleton exploded from his back, latching over each rib, confining his body like armour. There were several loud pops, as multiple sharp pairs of spindly legs emerged from Johno's body, they skittered across the ground awkwardly as they pushed for a grip on the dry earth.

The wings that had grown out of his hard and shiny back were long and veined, the wingspan larger than three grown men shoulder to shoulder. Johno's once green eyes popped from his head, giving way to new ones that were huge and black, giving him an otherworldly appearance, and his sharp, serrated fangs glistened with a foaming liquid.

The creature that was once Johno shook off the last of its old "human" skin, it snorted out of its large nostrils what appeared to be blood and bile. The creature then shot into the trees, landing on a branch, and turned back to face Etherea. If the group wasn't certain before, they knew Johno was in league with the Villainess now.

"NO freaking way! Johno was the Mantis Guy all along?" Oakley asked.

"No Oakley - this is a different oversized bug that's trying to kill us!" Andrea responded. Oakley glared at the Princess, unamused with her sarcasm.

Etherea quickly reacted to Johno's transformation, conjuring a shield of light energy around herself as he lunged towards her with his razor-sharp legs. Etherea blasted him with a powerful bolt of light, but Johno the bug managed to evade it, flapping his wings to move out of the way. Johno made several attempts to get close to Etherea, swiping his legs and fangs, but she managed to stay out of his reach, using her magic to hurl balls of light into his path.

As the fight continued, Johno suddenly heard explosions and turned to see Oakley hurling grenades at him from below. Johno let out an ear-piercing screech as one of the grenades exploded close to him, causing him to falter in mid-air. Seizing the opportunity, Etherea unleashed a powerful blast of magic, which sent Johno crashing to the ground.

But Johno was not finished yet. He quickly scrambled to his feet and lunged towards Oakley, intent on taking revenge. However, before he could reach the boy, Juno jumped in front of Oakley, standing his ground against the mutated monster.

Juno, with his small size, was no match for Johno's bug mutant form, but he was quick and nimble, dodging and weaving around Johno's attacks. With fierce determination, Juno used his small, sharp horn to jab at Johno's sensitive spots, causing him to let out an agonising screech. Johno, wounded and cornered, let out a roar that rang through the trees, before closing his teeth around the Unicorn's leg.

Juno wailed in agony as Andrea sprinted over to the two locked in battle. Andrea lunged at Johno, pushing him off the injured unicorn. She straddled the creature, her legs weighed down each of its wings. Andrea raised her sword to stab Johno straight through the chest, but he flashed away out of thin air. Andrea's sword hit the grass, where Johno lay just moments before.

Etherea flew down to join Oakley and Andrea, who were crouched around Juno. The unicorn lay on the ground, his breathing shallow and laboured. His wound from Johno's bite was gushing blood, staining his once-pink fur a deep crimson.

Despite the gravity of the situation, Juno tried to make light of it, "Looks like he got me good, eh? Don't worry, I'll get him back next time. This wound? Pshh, it's just a tickle."

Etherea desperately called down on her priestess magic, trying to summon some glimmer of healing magic, but it was no use, her light could only burn. If she maybe had some of her potions with her - but Etherea knew it would have been no use anyway. Her strengths didn't lie in the ways of healing.

Oakley started to sob uncontrollably, sensing his new father figure didn't have much time left. Andrea felt helpless, knowing there was nothing she could do to save Juno.

In a last-ditch attempt, Andrea stood up and faced the forest.

"PLEASE!" Andrea screamed, "Somebody please help us!". Andrea started to cry, she felt utterly helpless as another one of her friends was dying because of her once again. She gripped Jam Jam's sword, feeling the pressure of the blade, it was hard enough to draw blood when an old man's voice rang out through the forest.

"Hello?! Stranger! Where do you call from? I'm coming as quickly as my knees can take me!"