1 • prologue •

I was sinking.

I knew I was.

I could feel my body struggling to catch breaths under the surface of the water, staring up at the barely visible light underneath the layers of sea waters, salt stinging my eyes.

Something was pushing against my chest.

Hard.

I tried my best not to panic-not to think about drowning or the fact that this day would probably never end. Everything pushed, I kicked my legs with the rest of my energy, and then it happened-

My lungs released the rest of the air and I drifted hopelessly to the bottom of the ocean, welcoming the taste of saltwater stinging up my nose and down my throat, I swallowed all of it and salty streams of warm tears floated upward-

The ocean carrying them away.

My eyelids fluttered there for a split second before greeting me into the world of black.

-

I'm one of those people who doesn't imagine, everything is simply black. Sometimes I consider it a good thing, not having to worry about nightmares, bad memories, waking up in a cold sweat, but more often than not, I refer to it as a terrible thing.

It's like not being able to have emotions, tears streaming from your eyes when you know something happened but you aren't able to picture it.

I know my mother died, I know what she looked like, but I don't picture it in my head.

There's no color, just a stencil. I thought it was just movie magic-for a long time. When a dream or a memory would play in color clear as day, it seemed too unrealistic.

But the human species has more power on the inside than you'd believe.

They can change their perspectives, see memories and dreams, fake events and think of them as real ones, strange dreams, they were all real and I couldn't see them.

Until now.

I saw one memory, a split second of water filling my lungs and black, and that's the only nightmare I'll ever see play over and over.

Shit.

I fucking don't want to see that shit. Ever again.

But what I didn't get to tell myself, is that dreams and nightmares play over and over and over again until you're sick, damaged, depressed, because that's just the way your brain works.

It never knows when to shut the fuck up or when to cut the shit.

I wasn't sure whether or not my eyes still worked after all that salt water, it made them feel weaker, but I knew they were there, alive, my eyelids were heavy, but they filtered open and I was instantly blinded.

The hospital lights lit up in my face and my skin felt like a dead weight against my bones, seriously.

Who made hospital lights so fucking bright?

"Harper, baby," Mom grazed her fingers across my forehead and stepped back again.

I traced the lines of her face in my head.

Mom?

I made an effort to barely lift my head before crashing back down into the pillow.

-

By the time I was able to get my back off the hospital bed, it was already an abyss outside, "Shit," I studied the IV stuck in my wrist and tracked it into the blue vein barely visible underneath my thin skin.

I figured it would be too hard to pull out and my lungs felt like sacks in my rib-cage, half-dead and mortally unalive. I sucked in air, my stomach didn't rise. It was as if I was breathing-

And I could feel that I was breathing-

It was so realistic, the air-

But I couldn't feel it in my lungs. No, no- I grabbed the ends of my blonde hair and threatened to yank it out of my scalp, how the fucking hell did I end up like this shit?

I was freaking out and I couldn't help it-

You need to calm down,

I looked around the room, "Hello? Who's there?" I was nervous, there was no one in the room. Anyone who was watching on the security cameras was bound to think I was mental.

I'm here,

"Where?" I flipped my gaze through the room, whipping around my head to search every nook and cranny with my eyes.

Inside your head.

"Inside my-" I scoffed, "What do you mean inside my head?"

I'm to help you fulfill your payment.

"What payment?!" I half-yelled. I was officially mental, not that anyone would even care if they just figured out 'oh I'm not dead! Hooray!' and 'oh someone is in my fucking head and I have no idea who the hell it is! Hooray!'

I saved your life.

"What the hell?! Fucking no!" I waited a few seconds, there was no response. "You bastard! Come back here!" I raised my fist and waited for another response.

I groaned in surrender and slumped backward, finding a few things on the nightstand next to me, a card, a keychain souvenir (that one must've been from my older brother, Jack, I rolled my eyes), and a bag of naturally flavored trail mix.

I shrugged and tore open the bag of trail mix, reaching in and picking out the nuts, dumping them in the mini-sized trash can, and starting on the pretzels. I always save the best for last, which specifically and strictly includes chocolate chips and M&Ms...I don't fancy anything else.

I picked up the keychain and checked the price tag, popping another pretzel in my mouth and chewing, ¢0.10? For some reason, it didn't surprise me to see my older brother's cheap gift, ever since he got himself a girlfriend, he's been spending most of his time taking care of her.

Psh.

As if any girl should care what you get them. In a way, I guess you could say I didn't agree with his girlfriend at all-

"Harper!" An excited whisper said from the other side of the room and I scrambled to hide the trail mix behind my pillow. In any other circumstance, the moment Dad would enter the room, I was dead if I was caught eating junk food so late at night.

"Oh-Uhm, hello."

"I'm Nurse Cherie, I'm just going to check your vitals now!"

Sheesh!

This lady really creeped me out, if you're going to be a future nurse, do not consider this woman as a role model, the moment she walked in the room, I thought I was six again!

"Uhm...okay."

As freaky as she was, I was glad she didn't do much other than take my blood pressure, mess with the IV, and type away at her keyboard in the middle of the room or judge me when I crashed down on the pillow, forgetting the bag of trail mix and creating a loud CRUNCH!

"Thank you, Harper! We'll see you in the morning to send you home," She shut the door behind her and it clicked, leaving me in supreme silence until I slumped backward and the bag let out another CRUNCH!

"Home," I thought out loud.

It wouldn't be that bad.

Thank the heavens I was leaving this place, this vacation hasn't been one-bit ideal nor very far at all from peculiar. But to be honest, home didn't seem like the best place.

It also meant high school friendships and boys. Ugh.

If April would for one day shut the fuck up about how her boyfriend went out with her on a romantic horse and buggy ride in Paris one "delightful" evening I will never see the end of school.

I couldn't sleep for the rest of that night in the hospital, every time I felt the IV in my wrist it felt...different and I'll admit, scary. And I wish I had a boyfriend to comfort me at times like this instead of an annoying older brother, but I didn't.

And this...

This was the least of my problems.

And I know exactly what you're thinking. And if I could, I'd jump off a bridge and scream it as loud as I can;

FUCK MY LIFE!!