And a little bit of self loathe

Ch 7 - And a little bit of self loathe

It's like we're drifting.

Maybe we've always been drifting. Further and further apart, a great chasm separating the both of us. Maybe I was so caught up in the fantasy that we were fine that I never noticed the underlying problems holding this relationship up.

I'm lonely.

But he isn't and he'll never understand what I'm feeling half of the time. When I'm staring at him, watching him with someone else, like a reader watching a story go with no say in the flow.

Sometimes I forget I'm living my own life. Sometimes I'm so fixated on him I forget that I have my own friends, my own problems I should deal with.

I've never felt like crying in school… Well, that's a lie, I have. But I've never felt the prick of my tears just from eating and listening to music.

My friend was crying today.

I don't know what's wrong with me at this point.

I watched as her friend comforted her, egging him on to touch her, comfort her better. Stop being such a bad comforter.

Part of me was jealous. I'm sure. I can feel the demons in my blood lurking, ready to bite at everything.

It's like it's amplified. I wanted to stop it so bad I even drank.

Coke, not alcohol. Because everyone says it's unhealthy and I can't find an excuse to tell anyone that catches me.

The prick of tears are assholes. I was drinking with my mask down and watching them.

Somehow I felt like crying and I'm sure my nose is red and everyone can see it and I'm trying so hard to stop it but it keeps coming back.

I'm so fragile I feel like I'll start crying the moment someone talks to me.

The feeling came onto me like a tsunami and I couldn't do anything to stop it but pull up my mask and run to the toilet.

But the feeling always fades by the time I can let it out.

Maybe that's why I don't know how to regulate my feelings.

Because I don't let myself break until I'm alone but I've always been so busy it would be at the end of the day and it's always gone by then, ready to be back in the morning.

And it's happened since I was a child and now I've gotten so used to it I think it counts as regulating my feelings.

Maybe that's why.