...From Adam's Past

Hubert felt a tightness in his throat. He involuntarily looked towards the hotel and the window where he had seen the man earlier. Could there be anything sadder than love that leads to such a desperate act?

"Unrequited affection?" he asked.

"More like a lack of social acceptance," sighed Piotr. "I am ashamed of my family. Adam's parents, as well as mine, had always been very religious. Adam's homosexual inclinations were unthinkable, especially since they had already planned a different future for him. I am ashamed to say this, because they are my relatives, but what they did when they found out... They made his life hell. His own parents... He couldn't stand it and cut his wrists."

Piotr fell silent. It couldn't have been easy for him to talk about these things, maybe he didn't even want to remember them. Piotr was a good man, well-liked by the local youth, very forgiving of any cultural differences that the kids picked up from the Internet. He was probably the most understanding and tolerant priest Hubert knew. Was this related to his cousin's transitions?

Raymund was not surprised that Adam's parents were against his sexual orientation. Most parents are. After all, they dream of a normal life for their son and grandchildren for themselves, and a homosexual relationship cannot provide that. Homosexuality is against the law to ensure the survival of the species, against the commandment to "go and populate the earth" so most religions are hostile to it, but if parents bully their teenage son to the point when he slices his wrists... Hubert understood their objection, but could not accept the method.

"Had his suicide attempt opened their eyes?" He asked hopefully.

"No. Adam from the hospital didn't come home. He ran away. He was a street kid for a while. Then he hooked up with an older guy who treated him like a rag doll, which made his condition worse. When I found him, he was barely hanging on. I asked my seminary mentor for help and we were able to get Adam back on track. He went to college and became a really good lawyer. His life not only got off on the right foot, it became a string of success, until recently. Adam, despite what he has been through, still believes in people. He believed in his client's innocence and got him out of jail. But the criminal... committed another murder."

"Oh...!"

"I brought him here because I am worried about him. I'm afraid that this blow will start dragging him down into the abyss again. I asked Mr. and Mrs. Kniotek for a great favor. They promised not only to give him peace, but to keep an eye on him. I wish I could be by Adam's side all the time and watch that nothing happens, but I can't. That's why I have a burning request, I know it will be a great inconvenience, but could you take a peek at the lake sometime?"

"It won't be a problem" he answered and looked at the orange surface in the dusk light. To think that this beautiful lake could tempt someone to something other than an invigorating, relaxing swim or fishing.

He already understood why Piotr had brought the young man here in such a hurry. He understood why he had spent the night in his room. He understood and appreciated the young priest even more. His cousin had depressive and suicidal tendencies and there were circumstances that could exacerbate them. What could he care about reputation when someone's life was at stake!

"Do you mind if I befriend him?" he asked Piotr.

Piotr looked at him a moment, then smiled a pale but warm smile.

"No. I think he could really use a friend."

"You know, I have spent half of my life in Sweden, but even there I did not meet people as open as you. Is that because of your cousin?"

"Yeah. When I found out that he had tried to commit suicide, I visited him in the hospital. There he confessed to me that he was gay. I asked my mentor what was the greater sin, to love people of the same sex or to take your own life? He said the greatest sin is indifference. To suffering. To love. God created all people and loves everyone the same. He made no one inferior. He doesn't wish death on anyone. It is the otherness that makes ourselves and our lives more interesting."

Piotr took a breath and smiled pale with nostalgia, as if remembering a beautiful, lost moment. But then his smile become just pale and sad…

"My cousin was always very sensitive and warm. He helped everyone without asking for anything in return. When I realized that this best, most noble man I know was so damaged by his own parents that he tried to kill himself, I wanted to tell them everything, to shout, but I was too immature then. Now I do everything so that the tragedy will never happen again. Not with Adam. Not with anyone else."

It was Piotr Lechoń, the priest whom all the kids and teenagers liked so much. Although he was a priest, he did not judge or evaluate anyone. He did not thunder from the pulpit, but smiled warmly. He always found time to talk. Some people didn't like it, of course, because a priest's job was to admonish sinners, but Piotr stayed true to his mission of loving every neighbor because he believed in its value.

"Didn't you think maybe you should suggest he see a psychologist?" Hubert tossed the thought around.

Piotr shook his head.

"That's a bad idea. Adam won't open up to him, he'll only close himself off more. What he needs is love. Simple love and acceptance. That's why I want to be there for him."

"If those old gossips from the construction site heard you now... The bishop's curia would be flooded with denunciations."

Father Piotr smiled faintly.

"And they can report whoever they want. It so happens that our present bishop is my mentor from the seminary."

"So he is an insider?"

"My parish priest too."

He looked across the surface of the lake at the hotel. There was a pale light in one of the rooms on the second floor.

"Sometimes I get the impression that the best of us are always the most hurt by people."

Hubert agreed with him one hundred percent. That's why he always tried not to be too good in his life.

***

The evening was unusually quiet, calm and bright. The moon had not yet reached its full, its nearly circular disc, however, provided enough glare for Adam to move freely through the unlit area. He wasn't planning anything in particular, he just wanted to go out to breathe fresh air and think.

He'd already seen the small pier he'd spotted back in the day. New, solid, not too big, but surely good for walkers and for mooring some pontoon or boat. His feet carried him there, maybe because it was a good landmark? He walked on it a few steps and sat down, letting his legs down. Although unclear, he could see his reflection in the surface of the lake and further on the moon glistening in it.

If Piotr saw him now, his heart would probably die of fright. To this day he could not forgive himself for not being there for Adam at that most difficult moment. It wasn't his fault, he was older and starting to enter adulthood earlier, it was natural for him to be the first to leave home, but Adam still blamed him in his heart for abandoning him. He shouldn't have, he knew that. What he felt was irrational, but when Piotr left, Adam lost his only good friend, and it was at that moment when he was discovering his otherness.

Now he was the one who felt guilty for thinking so unfairly about his cousin. He already understood that back then, in that deep depression, he hated everyone around him because he felt abandoned and betrayed, unwanted and hated by everyone. The whole world was against him so he was against the whole world, not excluding Piotr.

Now it was different. At this point Adam hated only himself.

He understood the factual arguments of Niedziałek, his boss. He understood Piotr's gentle admonitions. He understood it all. They should understand, too, that if he hadn't tried so hard and if he hadn't been so naïve, this fourteen-year-old boy might have lived to see his fifteenth birthday, his twentieth, his seventieth... If not for his stubbornness and belief in infallibility, the boy would have fallen in love at seventeen experiencing his first love. Then he would find a job, get married, have children - two, maybe three. If all went well, he would live to see his grandchildren and great-grandchildren. He would experience moments of sadness and worry, but also beautiful, happy moments. All this was taken from him not directly by Adam's hands, but because of him.

The guilt was a yoke so heavy that Adam saw no way to shake it off. In fact, he didn't even want to. After all, someone had to carry the guilt for this unnecessary death.