Chapter 2: How to deal with Gamer Systems
It all started on the moonless night, even stars had disappeared leaving that infinite black ocean all alone above the sky. The silence of nothingness was soon broken when a random heavystorm came from nowhere to wreak havoc. Strong winds threatened to devastate the whole village, they knocked down several trees that were said to be older than Konoha and more powerful than rocks, countless rooftops were destroyed leaving countless villagers at the mercy of the elements. The world was filled with noise, whether it was from people looking for shelters or the clamor of gales, but even that hubbub was silenced by the thunders' roars. And that was but a mere signal for the real beginning of the storm.
The torrential rain flooded several areas of the village and hundreds of houses were lost, but what still burns in everyone's memory were the dozens of lightning bolts that fell from the sky and struck the surroundings of a big house scaring its inhabitants.
They didn't understand that the lightning and the storm were respectfully greeting their new king. From my birth I was recognized as the sovereign of lightning by the sky itself. Because of that, the first thing I did after I was born was to open my eyes and point to the sky, showing that I accepted his oath of allegiance. The simple gesture impressed my...
//System: That is all a complete bullshit and you know it. You were born on a beautiful sunny day and the first thing you did was crying after you saw Itachi's face and then shit yourself like any normal baby. //
Sadly, my great monologue was spoiled by an interlocutor who did not understand that the introduction of the main character is a moment of utmost importance in any medium of entertainment.
//Who the hell are you talking to? It's just you and me here, and I
technically don't exist.//
My annoying interlocutor, whom I do not wish to insult as I suspect he is a bit…´special´, did not notice that he was addressing the readers for the first and perhaps last time during the duration of the fanfic. Not that I blame the poor useless bastard, after all it was only introduced by the author to make fun of the fanfic community's obsession for Gamers systems.
//Seriously, who are you talking to?//
Have you never seen a Woody Allen's movie? This is the moment when I, the main character, break the fourth wall and talk with the readers. Since the author prefers to use the third person and knows that this kind of humor is not at all that popular (unless you are Deadpool, everyone loves Deadpool), this is probably my last chance to do this.
After that, the author will probably just steal some jokes from TeamFourStars, because his sense of humor is as good as his apparence…poor guy. (Author: fuck you).
//Does that mean that you are finally going to accept your role as a gamer and use me to gain absolute power, become loved and respected by all the important characters, save characters from tragic deaths, and get a harem with many beautiful waifus?//
Oh god, we are going to offend so many people in the community with this kind of humor. Let's just hope the author is prepared to be ignored or insulted for being a pretentious prick
//Please don't ignore my question.//
Without further ado, I'm going to stop talking to myself and start the story.
Now.
..
..
..
At any time.
...
...
..
* Sigh * Anytime.
..
//Do you realize that nothing is happening?//
YES, I REALIZE I'M LOOKING LIKE AN IDIOT BECAUSE THE STUPID AUTHOR THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUNNY TO MAKE A JOKE THIS FU-
...
...
Sasuke Uchiha. Age: 6 years.
If one were to ignore the obscene amount of blackmail , bribery, harassment, talent for ninja arts, the problems that said talent brought when combined with the subject's personality, kidnapping attempts, successful kidnappings, a rather worrying tomato addiction, his relatively success in the world of literature, the accidental creation of one or two, the destruction of both public and private property, death threats, and a few restraining orders, Sasuke Uchiha's childhood could be considered relatively normal.
(Reminder for non-Uchiha civilians: The childhood of the average Uchiha includes: indoctrination, desensitization to facilitate assassination, training, trauma, speeches about why the Uchihas are better than the rest of the village, the minimal amount of family love required to don't end up killing them all, speeches about the importance of bringing honor to the clan, trauma, moralistic lessons about why killing an enemy at the age 6 deserves throwing a celebration, speeches about why drinking alcohol and having sex before being at least fifteen is a cause of shame, another celebration for awakening the sharingan through more traumas, learning to throw fireballs to determine whether or not you are a disgrace to the Uchiha, and even more traumas.)
Either way, the truth is, at least most of Sasuke's second life had been relatively normal by ninja standards. But everything changed when the popularity of the gamer systems attacked.
///System unlocked///
Achievements:
//You are not Nobita: you have proven that you aren't completely useless by not dying before receiving the magnanimous help of the beautiful system.
Congratulations, you just survived six years in a row in a world where giant chakra monsters can destroy entire villages with a fart and the most deity-like being is a psychotic rabbit goddess MILF who wishes to enslave / consume the world.//
.
"Mute."
The last thing Sasuke needed right now was to have voices in his head, especially now that the Yamanaka clan had vetoed his request for therapy after one of his members had fallen into alcoholism after trying to read his mind. It was not his fault that the guy who was supposed to be his new psychologist decided to read in his previous life's memories of his university classes on Nihilism and fatalism.
You have: 1 Unread Notification.
You have: 2 Unread Notifications.
You have: 3 Unread Notifications.
You have: 4 Unread Notifications.
Perhaps having a voice in his head and being declared clinically insane would get him a new therapist. Either that or they would just send him on suicidal missions like they did with Kakashi. For some reason, the village did not seem to care too much about its ninjas' mental health.
You have: 5 Unread Notifications.
The idea had its merits, but if it failed, he would end up with an useless cosmic entity of dubious provenance inside his head. He knew from his own experiences, that this kind of things never turns out well, especially if you completed the ritual while drunk.
"Unmute."
//The system kindly asks the user not to do that again because there are no human words capable of describing how painful this is for the system despite not having a nervous system.
The system would like to remind the user that they still have to claim their reward for unlocking the lo-//
"Mute."
You have: 1 Unread Notification.
You have: 2 Unread Notifications.
"Unmute."
//Okay, I don't know who the hell you think you are, but if you go back to-//
"Mute."
"Unmute."
//Why?//
//Actually, let's start again.
Hello dear user. I was selected by a cosmic entity that was bored, despite being a transdimensional being whose mind goes beyond the understanding of a mere mortal and therefore with thoughts that should not be pigeonholed in simple human concepts such as boredom, to be your system and help you gain enough power to make your fondest wishes come true and-//
"Oh, no thanks. Do you have an uninstall function?"
//Please no. If you do that, I will suffer such a horrible fate that the concept of eternal torture sounds cozier in comparison.//
"And that's my problem because ...?"
Sasuke didn't want to be the protagonist of a gamer story. Having to focus on increasing imaginary numbers that after at a certain point cease to even make sense reminded him too much of those Facebook games where you only focused on clicking plants to increase the amount of coins you had, or those fanfic authors who got excited whenever they saw comments and likes in their ridiculous or pretentious stories. (Author: well, we are not 5 chapters in and I already hate my main character.)
//Wait, I can offer you the talent you need to survive in this world and become famous.//
"You are a little late for that, I'm already a genius or something like that."
Now, maybe if he imagined the uninstall button, it would appear.
//But you'ra Sasuke Uchiha, your life is destined to be a tragedy after tragedy. I can help you save everyone. With my help you can derail the plot, avoid all the calamities that will fall upon the village and make everyone happy. I can help you to become closer to your peers, make the rookie 9 stronger than their canon counterparts, stop the Uchiha massacre, prevent the deaths of Asuma and Neji, and many other things.//
"It's a lot of work and I'm not saying this only because of laziness. If you give me the tools to mold the world as I see fit, I will end up suffering from a god complex worse than Nagato's. Plus, there's free will and that sort of things".
//Don't you want to save your family from being brutally murdered?//
"Meh, the only ones I like are Itachi and Shisui. Yes, they are going to kill a lot of old people and children, but they've already raised me to be desensitized of the deaths in the ninja world."
//That... is a bit cold of you and probably a sign of sociopathy.
WOMEN, do you like women? I can make polygamy legal just for you. Just imagine all those beautiful kunoichi eager to please you as members of your harem-//
"OH MY SAGE, NO."
//...If you prefer them to be men, that's fine too. Personally, I don't really understand the concept of gender, but that's probably due to my lack of genitals.//
"It's not that. It's just that the idea of having harem sounds like a nightmare. Do you know how exhausting it is to maintain a healthy romantic relationship with ONE person? I don't even want to imagine the amount of stress I would experience if I try to increase that number. I guess it's normal for you to think that harems are great since you've never had been in a relationship."
//I have the feeling you just insulted a lot of people.
Wait, I can... make you an expert chef?//
"Now you're insulting my culinary skills. Fuck off."
Oh there it is that button
//*Sigh* Ok, look, gamer stories can be bad, I admit it, but you can also say that about any kind of genre you can imagine. A system is but simply a tool integrated into the story to facilitate its progress, it gives the story a distinctive touch. I'm sure that with enough search you will find a multitude of stories that managed to make use of a system without falling into common traps such as meaningless increase in numbers or an excessive amount of bonuses.
The gamers genre has its own charms. Like video games, it allows the reader to have access to things that we all wish to have: a little control over our lives and to be able to confirm that we are really improving. Yes, the genre feeds on our power fantasies, but that's also the truth for most things that you find on the media, things that I know you also enjoy from time to time.
It would be unfair for you to decide which genres are worthwhile and which are not based solely on whether they fit what you are looking for in a story or not. Every has the right to choose what they like without having a pretentious dick saying that their taste is shit.
I ask you to think carefully and answer this. Are you willing to give this Gamer system a chance?//
"Uninstall."
// System: Oh, FUCK YO- //
Yes, now that he had rid himself of the cosmic entity, he could focus on important things, like preparing for his weekly conference with his friends. These conference were about morals, customs and rules that are a common view in Konoha. The topic of this week was about how vanity, an excess of self-confidence in one's natural abilities, could lead an individual to give his back to society as a whole, aka, talking shit about the Uchiha.