18 Ch.18: Love begs release

:: Quinn POV ::

I slowly slid my palms over the stretched skin of my stomach, slightly dazed and dumbfounded. I woke up feeling heavy and uncomfortable, like there were weights attached to my front making it hard for me to breathe and move.

Once I got my bearings, I noticed the sudden change in my body. It was still dark outside so I opted not to wake Raziel. I silently slipped off the bed and padded, barefoot, out of the room. I don't know why but I wanted a moment alone, to savor this new development, before I share it with anyone else.

I sat on the couch in the living room facing the floor to ceiling windows, with the night view of Saint's Isle spread before me. It's a breathtaking sight and for the first time in a while, I felt at peace.

I could feel them better now. My magic hasn't returned but every time I stroke the mound on my stomach lively sparks shoot from under my skin to my fingers and bubbly warmth spreads all over my body like my children are helping me acknowledge our newly acquired bond.

I could hear them too. Their thoughts and feelings, it's mesmerizing to hear them murmur in my head. They don't form coherent words but the message is there just the same.

It's scary knowing that in the course of a few days my children have grown and matured a lot inside me. If this were a normal pregnancy it would have taken months to get to this stage. Right now they're moving to stretch and play, tickling my insides and making it known that soon they'd want to see the world for themselves.

When I set out to seek refuge in Saint's Isle I never realized all these would happen to me. In the span of a few short years, I've built a new life for myself, away from everyone I know and everything familiar to me. I found my true mate. We quarreled and for a while then I lost him. But soon, we reconciled and consigned ourselves to an unknown future filled with love and happiness. And now I am nurturing two living beings inside me.

A lot has happened since my eighteenth birthday. Not all of my experiences were happy but I can honestly say all those trying and difficult days helped build who I am today.

The truth about my lineage came as a shock. But knowing who my biological parents are answered a lot of the unvoiced questions in my heart. Learning the truth settled something inside me that I didn't realize was in disarray.

I've always felt that all the chaos and problems began after I turned eighteen. But now, when I look at everything in another perspective, I guess my life sort of kick-started from there.

Before, I preferred to be alone. I had my parents but even they didn't know what to do with me after some time. We were close but we were not really 'connected'. After surviving the first wave of shock and the grief of leaving my past life, I travelled and met more people, both human and supernatural. I started to discover more things about myself that perhaps I wouldn't know if I had stayed. My journey to here and now was rough and tiring but it was all worth it!

Knowing what I know now gives me a sense of peace I've been missing my entire life. There are still problems lurking around the corner, even now I have no idea how to stop Robin Goodfellow from assassinating me. But at this moment, just for tonight, I don't care. Puck could appear before me, at this instant, and I'll just smile up at him and ask him if he wants to have tea or coffee before he attempts to kill me. Crazy, I know, but I feel like nothing could disrupt this sense of serenity I'm currently feeling.

My babies are fine. They're growing as they ought and soon they will be born. If I have my way, they'd be happy and secure for the rest of their lives. My mate and I are finally on the same page and will move together hand in hand from now on. And I have friends who care and worry for my well being, willing to help me in any way they can.

Tonight I am content. Tomorrow will come. But I want to have this moment, right here, right now, without worrying about anything.

My back was starting to hurt so I laid back on the couch, instinctively resting both my hands over my growing stomach in a protective gesture, and chuckled when I felt the familiar tingles, caused by the twins, coursing through my body.

"Quinn?" Syrath called not far from me.

I turned my head to motion for him to come closer. He walked to the other end of the couch and sat by my feet gently lifting them to rest on his lap.

"You couldn't sleep?" He asked.

I shook my head, no. "You?" I asked back.

"I heard something and came to investigate. I didn't think it'd be you."

I nodded and we sat in companionable silence watching the full moon and the brilliant lights of Saint's Isle below before Syrath solemnly broke it.

"I want to apologize." He started.

I cocked my head to one side and stared at him. "What for?" Honestly, I can't think of anything Syrath should apologize for. Unless he did something I'm not aware of. But it can't be that bad. I mean this is Syrath we're talking about. He rarely makes mistakes and even if he did make an error, I'm confident he'd be able to make it right with little effort.

"A lot of things," Syrath said, looking at me sadly. "But mostly… I want to apologize for how I dealt with you and Raziel."

That gave me a start and there I was thinking nothing could shake my newfound stability.

I tried to sit up, talks like this one needs to be done when both parties' eyes are leveled. But with my protruding stomach, it was hard to do so gracefully.

Syrath chuckled at my efforts and moved to help me up. He gently placed a hand on my back to hold me upright before arranging some pillows to keep me comfortable.

He sat back down and didn't say anything for a while but I could see from the rigid way that he held himself that he's thinking of what to say next or how to appropriately phrase his next words.

I frowned and lightly touched his hand. "Don't do this, Sy." I whispered, trying to reason with him. Maybe if I ask him to stop he won't continue to torture himself. But do I really want him to stop talking? Do I really want him to keep carrying on like this?

"But I have to, Quinn." He said, his intelligent gaze meeting mine. "I have to tell you that I've been lying to you all this time…"

I know where this conversation is going and I'm not sure I want to go there. But if I have feelings for Syrath, any feelings at all, I'd let him say what he wants to say in order to get it out of his system.

"I love you." Syrath uttered those three words with so much conviction and confidence that I cannot mistake them to have another meaning even if I tried.

In the first place, I never thought of playing the fool or to pretend I misunderstood. Doing so would cheapen Syrath's feelings and hurt him more than my eventual answer to his confession. Even if I can't give him what he wants, I still don't like the feeling of hurting Syrath.

"I loved you from the first moment I saw you." He held my hands and brought them to his lips, lightly kissing both my knuckles before gently squeezing them. "I never thought I'd feel this way again. But I'm happy it's you I fell for, Quinn."

I knew, for a while now, that Syrath feels something deeper and more profound emotion towards me other than friendship. I hoped I was wrong, that maybe I was seeing or thinking too much, but I'm not blind and I'm not insensitive either. It's hard not to see or feel loved when it's so freely given.

I am flattered. Syrath is a good man. A great man, in fact, and anyone would be lucky to have him. But I'm not the one for him. He may not see it now, with all the conflicting emotions swirling inside of him, but I know there's someone made only for him. Someone he'd love more than he loves me. Someone who'll give him the things I cannot give him.

"Can I tell you a secret?" Syrath asked and I nodded mutely.

He stood up and walked towards the huge windows. The moon is high and full, there was enough light for me to see him properly, to watch the play of shadows on his face at every flash and change of emotion. Syrath breathed in deeply before sharing with me his well-kept secret.

"A few months shy of my hundredth natal day I found my true mate. Her name was Alana St.Just. Like Raziel, I felt the resonance of the mating call and followed it for weeks before I stumbled upon her." Syrath placed both his palms on the thick glass, leaning all his weight on his outstretched arms and I noticed he was shaking. "I knew it was doomed to fail. Alana was human, very fragile and with nothing but a few years to live. But I wanted to be with her, regardless."

I can just imagine how he felt. Syrath's a very sensitive man. He hides all his feelings under a carefully crafted mask of nonchalance and forbearance but he cannot hide it from me. Alana St.Just must be a very special woman.

"I befriended her, at first, trying to know what she likes and doesn't, finding out what makes her laugh and angry. We fell in love, slowly, but it was sure and true. I hated keeping secrets from her so one night I told Alana the truth of who and what I am. It was a gamble and I was so afraid she wouldn't believe me, that she'd leave me after she learned the truth. But Alana accepted it all. She laughed and told me none of it matters because she loves me just the same."

Syrath's head hung low, his voice barely a whisper. He told me this was a secret. It's something he hasn't shared with anyone but me. I don't know the reason why he's telling me this story but I'm honored he trusts me enough to be his confidant.

"We had five blissful years together. It was short, barely a blink for someone like me. But those years were happy and full. Uncomplicated."

Uncomplicated… The word gave me pause. So far the story is sound and beautiful. But if Syrath found his mate then where is she now? Why aren't they together?

I know Syrath. He wouldn't leave his mate alone and nothing in this world would move him to do it. He's been very protective of me since we met and if I were to compare myself to Alana St.Just, the other woman would come on top of Syrath's list of priorities.

"What happened to Alana, Sy?" I asked, urging him to continue the story, not entirely sure if I wanted to hear the answer.

"As those blissful years passed, Alana started to distance herself from me. She began fighting with me over the slightest things. I knew something was wrong but I couldn't figure out what it was."

I could feel that he was there. I can see it in his eyes. Syrath is reliving those dark moments as he reveals his secret to me.

"I failed to notice that someone was preying on her doubts, towards me and towards our relationship. I didn't even realize Alana had those doubts until it was too late. Alana was confused and she was in pain. She wanted to hurt me the same way she was hurting."

I searched Syrath's eyes and what I saw in its depths was something I would never wish on anyone.

"Alana sold my identity to hunters who're after a dragon's blood. She did it not knowing what it would entail." Syrath's eyes were trained on mine but they were sightless, like he was seeing something other than me at the moment.

I didn't know what to say. I couldn't find my voice after what I heard. How could she? Syrath said Alana didn't know the consequences. But did she really not know?

I stared at Syrath. He was only a few steps away but he felt very far. I want to be sure he's still here, in front of me. I stood up and walked up to him. I grabbed his arm, afraid he'd disappear and I won't be able to hold him.

"They were beating at our doorstep before I even sensed them coming. Alana realized the enormity of what she's done after they took us in. I tried to keep her safe. I bargained with our captors, practically begged them to let her off. I offered my life and everything I possessed. But it was no use. They made me watch as they tortured her. They made me hear her scream. Then they threw her in my arms and shot her dead as I cradled her bruised body."

I wrapped my arms around Syrath and cried. I don't want to hear anymore. I don't want to know. It's not fair! To be given something so wonderful only to have it stolen away in such a scarring manner. It's not right. And for it to happen to someone like Syrath, it's downright cruel!

I held Syrath tighter. I was relieved when he didn't push me away and leaned on me instead. He was crying too, heart wrenching sobs that I know he'd been suppressing all these years. It must have been hard, carrying that kind of secret alone.

We stood like that, holding each other, with no one but the stars and the moon, as witnesses to our grief.

"You see? I'm lucky to find someone like you to fall in love with the second time. I knew you'd treat me fairly and let me down gently." Syrath flashed me a self-deprecating smile before letting me go and stepping away. "You'd treasure my love for you and won't let anyone paint it in a malicious way, not even me."

It shouldn't be this way. Syrath doesn't deserve all the pain. But if there's anything I've learned, bad things often happen to good people. It's like nature's way of guiding you to your true self, so you could discover your strength.

The prospect looks dim, right now, but the possibilities are endless for someone like Syrath. He'll get over this. I know he will!

"I do love you, Sy, very much." I confessed since tonight seems to be a night for confessions. "There were times when I wished it was you instead. But even then, I knew I wouldn't be able to give you what you really need. I hate to be the one to cause you pain. You've endured so much already. But you'll get over it. You will find someone infinitely better, Sy. Someone who can love you more than me."

"Loving, honest and kind…" Syrath whispered, taking a lock on my hair and playing with it in between his fingers. "I'd never find another like you, Quinn, not in this lifetime. Raziel is a very lucky bastard."

We stood side by side until the sun started to rise. His hand found mine and our fingers entwined; a final attempt to cling on to something that wasn't meant to be.

He'd be gone soon, I can feel it. And it breaks my heart to let him go but I'm not in the position to ask him to stay. Maybe out there, away from me, Syrath would find what he's looking for. Something that would erase the pain Alana and I caused him.

"Do you hate her?" I asked my eyes searching his, wondering if he would loathe me, too, for hurting him. "Are you mad at her for what she did?"

Syrath moved to gently turn me towards him. The faint rays of the early morning sun shone like a halo above his head. He gently traced the line of my face with his fingers then he leaned forward to touch his lips to mine. Syrath kissed me softly, slowly, savoring the taste and feel of my mouth against his before gently pulling away.

"I forgave Alana long before I knew she betrayed me." Syrath answered honestly. "I would have given her my life if it's what she truly wanted. All she needed to do was say the words. I would have bled and died for Alana without second thoughts. It's ironic how I loved her with so much passion and with every fiber of my being. But Alana was so scared of her love for me that she couldn't feel my true feelings for her."

Syrath gave me another light kiss. The first one was for love and the second was for goodbye. After that, Syrath gently released me. And I stood quietly as I watched him walk away.