16 Ch.16: Love is a game of chance

:: Nuri POV ::

I don't know what came over my father. He knows the Dragon Lords are more than capable of taking care of themselves. No one would be able to break through the barrier we put up so easily, not even Oberon's right hand man. And if the unthinkable does happen, we've prepared a well-mapped escape route for them.

In her current condition, there's very little I could do for Quinn. Her emotions will be slightly unstable due to the pregnancy and I'd be able to help her be calm and leveled. For now, that's all I could do. I absorbed most of the discomfort she's feeling but I won't be able to do more until I can feel the twins properly. And I won't be able to do so, at least not for another three or four days.

My presence, for now, is unnecessary. But if my father insists on it, there has to be a reason that currently I cannot see.

Then there's Syrath. That man is acting strange. Well, 'stranger' to be exact. Stress is emanating from him like black fumes, girding his otherwise calm and clear aura. No matter how much I try to block him, I could still feel the constricting tension emanating from his soul touching mine. It's damn uncomfortable!

I know he finally realized the cause of his actions towards his brother and his dealings with Quinn. And the realization is not a very good one. Syrath has no one to blame but himself. In the first place, he shouldn't have tried to get in between them, at least not half-heartedly.

If Syrath had been honest with Raziel, it could have spared him and Quinn some grief. If he'd been more forthcoming about his feelings for Quinn, maybe he could have stood a chance of winning her favor. Everything could have turned out differently if Syrath had been artless and undesigning.

If Syrath hadn't been so averse to letting me stay, I wouldn't have agreed to doing so! I admit, in the pique of the moment, I might have decided to stay just to annoy him.

Syrath Rheinalt is hiding something and I intend to find out what it is. It didn't escape my notice that he's trying, very hard, to avoid any form of contact with me after his moment of enlightenment. Perhaps he's afraid I might sense whatever it is he's trying to cover up. And so far, he's done a crafty job at evading me.

Well, he could keep trying but unlike his brother or Quinn, I'm not forgiving to those who try to keep things from me. Syrath might think he's well protected behind the high walls he cleverly erected around himself. But that damn armor of his has a lot of chinks and weak spots. I intend to exploit each one until I get the answers that I want.

Syrath Rheinalt will rue the day he tried to mess with me!

:: Raziel POV ::

I don't know what came over Syrath and I don't have time to find out. Now that Quinn's delicate condition is revealed, the situation has drastically changed. I would prefer to take her away from Saints' Isle while Puck is on the hunt but I don't think she would take kindly to the idea.

"Raziel, can I have a word?" Syrath said. I have an idea as to what Syrath wants to discuss but frankly, I'd rather leave that talk for later.

"Not now, Sy." I answered, trying to move around him. "I need to take care of Quinn."

"It won't take long," he urged, blocking my way.

I looked at him and was slightly caught off guard. My brother looks tired, almost drained. There's a black aura surrounding him that gives off a gloomy feeling. I don't have to be an empath, like Nuri, to know Syrath is like a bow stretched to its limits.

What happened? He was fine just this morning! Now he looks like he's tethering over the edge of something. The question is whether he'd be able to hold on and break free or completely crumble from the tension. Syrath, clearly, is not like his usual self!

I sighed, maybe it's better to talk to him now and find out what got into him. "Fine." I answered. The sooner I finish this thing with my brother, the sooner I can go and take care of Quinn.

"Can we go outside?" His gaze turned to Quinn and Nuri, who were seated not far from us and talking about the pregnancy. I reckon Syrath doesn't want anyone to overhear. But from the nervous look he casted upon Nuri, I think it's more than that.

Now that I think about it, Syrath has been wary of Nuri ever since she came to his defense. It didn't escape my notice that my brother was about to damn himself a fool until Nuri interjected to save him from himself. The question is why did Nuri do it? As far as I know, Nuri doesn't like Syrath. And why is Syrath acting so coy around Nuri all of a sudden?

"I'm sorry," Syrath started once we were outside.

"You should be." I understand the reasons for my brother's actions but that doesn't mean I'll easily accept and forgive him. Quinn and I could have avoided a lot of painful things if Syrath hadn't meddled. This situation could have been resolved a long time ago if he hadn't been playing with our feelings and crafting the situation to his advantage.

"What was I supposed to do, Raz? To think? I know you well enough to gauge your reaction. You'd reject her once you realize the reason for the resonance. But Quinn wanted a chance to be with you, even for a while. Maybe it was wrong of me to help her steal those moments but I wanted to give her a chance. Quinn more than deserved it."

"And at the same time, you wanted a chance to try and divert her attention to you!" Let's not forget about that little detail. Syrath could make it sound fair and noble but we both know, underneath it all, he plotted to steal Quinn from me.

"Yes, I admit, perhaps that was part of it. But what would you have done, Raz? I loved Quinn from the moment I first saw her. I tried to deny my feelings because I knew she's yours and you're my brother. But you were in a trance, Raziel. You come to her under your spells, when you're not aware of your actions. Even Orion doesn't know what to make of it and the situation sent all of us reeling. We knew it was only a matter of time. We were sure that in the end, you'd reject her. Even Quinn thought so. Maybe I was wrong to deceive you but…"

"Did it ever occur to you that perhaps the reason why I went to her, even while I was in a trance, was because a part of me wanted to be with Quinn? That a part of me, unconsciously, cannot let her go?" I asked cutting off his rant and Syrath just stared at me blankly. I guess the possibility never occurred to any of them. "You know me, Syrath, sometimes more than I know myself. It never crossed your mind that maybe a part of me wanted Quinn despite the fact that my rationality rejects the thought of being with her."

"But you rejected Quinn!" Syrath snapped.

"And I regretted it!" I bit back. "God knows how much I regret doing that to Quinn. To have her suffer, I'd forever atone for it! You can berate me all you want but it doesn't change the fact that a part of me wanted her. I sought her out, Sy. Even unaware I longed for Quinn, I loved her. Granted I did some things unknowingly but that unconscious part of me should have given you a hint about what I really want!"

"Perhaps I didn't want to view your actions in that manner. Maybe in some dark corner of my heart I was waiting for you to reject Quinn so I'd have her for myself." Syrath confessed honestly. "I was afraid, Raz. I love you both. I don't want to lose either of you. You're my brother but Quinn holds my heart. Perhaps I've been selfish and cunning in my dealings with the two of you. But believe me, none of my decisions were easy. Now I realized, I was wrong and unfair. I hated deceiving you. I hate the fact that we're competing for the same person. But I will not apologize for my feelings for Quinn. I love her, Raz, more than I can explain. But now I understand that she can never be mine. I never had a chance to begin with because she's always been yours."

"We still don't know about that..." I answered dejectedly. I have a sinking feeling that winning Quinn back would not be so easy, especially now that there's the children to consider. I hurt her a lot. Quinn would be wary of my intentions and she'd be wary of me, personally.

I have no doubt about Syrath's feelings for Quinn. It hurts me. I think it always will. Maybe I'm selfish but I want to be the only one who loves Quinn in that special way. But what pains me more is knowing that I am hurting my brother and I will continue to do so as long as I am in love with Quinn.

I thought I could give up, let go and allow the two of them to be together but I can't. I was stupid to believe I ever could. Regardless of Syrath's feelings I will never let go of Quinn. And Syrath will never have a chance with Quinn as long as I am alive and breathing.

"You're going to build a wonderful family, Raziel. I believe you'd be a great father! Just like Athair…" Syrath said as he smiled gently, sadly. "And this time I won't be there to ruin it for you."

I felt my gut clench. "What do you mean?"

Syrath breathed in deeply before answering. "After we deal with Puck and settle Quinn's problem with Oberon, I'd leave Saints' Isle for good."

I can't believe this is happening. We've been together since the day we were born. When our parents passed away, Syrath and I clung to each other. We protected one another, against the world and those who wanted to take advantage of us. Nothing had ever come between us, until now.

"Why?" I choked out.

Perhaps I was naïve. I thought we'd be able to work this out. Like every situation we faced before, we'd find a solution and stay as we are, together. Always. But Syrath clearly doesn't think so. He believes leaving is the best course. Why?

"I love you, Raz. You're my brother and I hate the thought of leaving too." Syrath uttered truthfully.

"Then don't…" I growled lowly.

He looked at me sadly and sighed. "I can't stay and watch you with her. I thought I could but I realized I cannot, not after everything I've done. If I stay, I'd resent you for having her and perhaps I'd resent her for choosing you over me. I don't want that to happen, Raziel. I'll go away until I can forget. I'll stay away until I no longer have the same feelings as I do now."

Which means Syrath will never come back. Damn him! Why? I knew this would end badly for us but does he really have to leave? Perhaps it's kinder to let my brother go. But I hate the thought that Syrath would be alone. I don't like the thought of him living somewhere far, with no one to trust and rely on. But if Syrath believes leaving would help him deal with the situation then all I can do is pray that in time he will come back.

"Promise me you'll return…" I said, grabbing the back of his neck and touching my forehead to his. I cannot lose my brother! I have to trust that Syrath knows what he's doing. I have to believe that in time, he would choose to come home. "You're going to be an uncle, Sy. I hate the thought of you not coming to see the children as they grow up."

Syrath nodded and grabbed me close to him. "I'll always be your brother as you are mine, Raz. I'll be away but that doesn't mean that when you need me, or when your family needs me, I won't be there. I'll always be watching. You will not see me but you should know that I'll always be there."

:: Quinn POV ::

Syrath's not acting like himself and Nuri is a bit distracted.

We've been talking about the pregnancy and Nuri has been explaining how the delivery would likely proceed. The delivery will be somewhat complicated due to the twin's different natures. But Nuri assured me everything would be alright and the rate of success is very high.

Nuri also vouched for the team her father would assemble. I didn't recognize the names she mentioned but Nuri told me they're the best medical team the supernatural in Saints' Isle have to offer.

Nuri was animated at first, discussing the operation at length, citing examples and telling me stories. I know she was trying to assuage my fears and somehow divert my attention. But after Syrath took Raziel outside to talk, Nuri got a bit distracted.

I admit, I'm worried about the brothers as well. Who wouldn't be after seeing Raziel flung Syrath towards the concrete wall like that? But I believe they'd be fine. Or I hope they won't kill each other while nobody is watching.

Unlike me, Nuri kept eyeing the door that the brothers disappeared to. I bet my right hand that if I weren't talking to her, Nuri would be out there, instead of Raziel, confronting Syrath. I vaguely noticed that there's something between them. I could tell Syarth has an inkling as to what it is but for some unknown reason, he's trying to keep it from Nuri. Why?

"Nuri?" I called softly to get her attention, for the third time. "Nuri, are you alright?"

She looked at me, still a bit distracted, before violently shaking her head. "Yes, of course. What were you saying?" She's trying, very hard, to give me her full attention and I adore her for it. But it's getting painful to watch.

"Orion said putting up the barrier took a lot of magic. We can talk about the pregnancy some other time." I said, eyeing her closely. "I'll arrange a room for you." As I recall, the room across Syrath's is free.

"No, I'm fine." Nuri answered but her eyes, again, lingered on the closed door before turning back to me. "What were you saying again? Forgive me for being rude. I was a bit…"

"Nuri, it's fine, really." I said, waving off her concern. I wasn't offended, if anything I'm quite amused. "Talking about delivering babies is not a topic I'd be enthusiastic about on a regular day either."

Nuri blushed and gave me an impish smirk. Sometimes I forget that Nuri is more than 75 years older than me with the way she usually behaves. Although she just celebrated her coming of age ceremony, in dragon years, Nuri is still a teenager.

"I'm really sorry, Quinn." She said seriously. "I promise, you have my full attention now."

I shook my head and gave in. "I was saying that if I were pregnant, do you think I wouldn't know? There would have been signs, right? Like now, I'm having dizzy spells and keep throwing up. Two years is a long time to be pregnant and not realize the fact."

Don't get me wrong, I'm praying that they're all correct about the assumption that the twins would be ready to be born at the same time. But for the babies' sake I have to be realistic and be ready for anything.

"I don't have the exact answer to that question since you are the first half-breed that I know to carry a dragonling. I could, however, speculate." Nuri said and I nodded for her to elaborate. "First, female dragons don't give birth. They lay eggs. And considering the time, I could say that for the past two years you have been nursing the clutch inside you, not the dragonling."

"Clutch?" I asked, what a weird term.

"It's what dragon eggs are called. You wouldn't show signs since the clutch, itself, is self-sustaining. It needs very little outside assistance. Though it's inside you, it doesn't take sustenance from your body. Then there's the rarity in your genes, not to mention your strong fae magic. Taking those factors into account, you could have been gestating without your knowledge because the clutch is well protected and was not in need of your intervention." Nuri explained. "You're showing signs of pregnancy, now, maybe because the clutch is in its nesting phase. Meaning, it's currently drawing strength from your body. And with its twin coming into the picture, depleting your magic as it grows, your body is starting to react normally to the pregnancy. But as I said, everything is mere speculation. You are, as we speak, making history."

I stared at Nuri, a bit astounded. All in all, it boils down to my body's constitution and magic. A bit anticlimactic but who cares? As long as the twins are healthy and I could deliver them safely into the world, then I'm not going to complain. All I want right now is for the babies to be fine.

The door opened and in came a blank looking Syrath and a depressed looking Raziel. I stood up but before I could ask anything, Syrath gave me a wan smile before disappearing to his room. Nuri took one look at his back and immediately followed, leaving Raziel and I alone.

"Did something happen?" I asked, bravely taking a step towards Raziel. "Are you okay?" I wanted to move closer but I don't know if he'd like that.

Raziel solved the problem by closing the distance between us in purposeful strides and pulled me into his arms. Now I'm sure something is definitely wrong.

"Raziel?" But instead of answering, he buried his face on the hollow of my neck and shoulder and held me tighter.

I stood, unmoving, for a few seconds, too shocked to react before wrapping my arms securely around him. Raziel was trembling. What on earth happened?

"Do you hate me, Quinn?" Raziel murmured after a while. "You should hate me for everything that I did to you."

I pulled away so we could look in each other's eyes. "I don't hate you." It's true. I was hurt. I felt used and degraded but I don't hate him. I was angry but not enough to breed hatred. If anything, I missed him a lot. "I should hate you but curiously, I don't."

"Can I ask you back then?" Every muscle in his body was tense. Raziel was nervous, I could tell. "Because I want you, Quinn. I want to have you back."

I looked deep in his eyes before taking a step away from him and then another, then another. When I felt there was sufficient space between us I stopped.

"I don't want you to say those words to me if you don't mean them."

"How do you know I don't mean what I say?" Raziel asked. "How can you be sure that I don't want you back?"

"Because…" Yes, how could I be sure? Damn him! Of course I can't be. But it's still there, the queasy feeling in my stomach that maybe Raziel is just caught up in the moment and it scares me. "If you're doing this because you're afraid I'd take the children away from you then don't." I said firmly. "We can be at odds and still be the parents our children need. You don't need to pretend that you want me when you only want them."

"I'm not pretending to want you!" He growled and I instantly backed away.

I might have said too much and might have offended him by saying those words out loud. But I have to get it out. Otherwise, I'll always be wondering. I'll always be asking myself if it's really me he wants. I'll always be fearful.

"I'm sorry." Raziel sighed. I could tell he's trying to hold himself in check. And I shouldn't be pushing him too far. Raziel won't hurt me, not physically, but a man can only stretch too far before he breaks.

"It's not because of the children that I'm asking you back, Quinn." He took a step towards me, then another and another. When I didn't respond, he continued. "I regret hurting you. If I could, I'd take it all back. But you're not completely blameless in everything that happened. Why did you hide the truth, Quinn? Why did you lie to me?"

So we're having this conversation now? I thought after Raziel rejected me we won't delve deep into this. But things have changed haven't they? And the truth has to come out some time.

"I was afraid. I was scared for you. Syrath told me about your depression, the one you suffered after I entered Saint's Isle. I thought you might suffer from that sort of depression again if we forced the truth on you so I asked everyone to lie on my behalf." I confessed turning away from him. I don't want him to see me vulnerable. Not right now, perhaps never again if we live separate lives. I still have my pride even if it's dented. "I was also afraid of your rejection. I was so scared of it I took a gamble while you were in a trance."

It's not easy to admit to anyone that you're a deceitful coward. And to admit the fact to Raziel makes me feel small, undeserving. What I did was wrong, that's why I don't blame him for being angry with me. I wanted him. All I ever wanted was to be with him. And I was ready to forsake everything, even him, just to get what I want.

"When we first discovered your spells I was devastated. I knew you would reject me if you ever find out the truth. Why else would you come to me in such an ambiguous way? I know you'd hate me for lying. But I wanted a little time to be with you, a few memories to get me by when I long for you. I wanted those moments even if I have to deceive you to get them. I kept telling myself it was all I could have before you leave me and I was entitled to it."

"You said you took a gamble. On what?"

I chuckled humorlessly. Raziel really pulls no punches. He'd make me bare it all. And for what I did to him, I owe him the truth, the whole of it.

"You come to me in a trance. It was more than obvious that your consciousness rejects the idea of you being mated with me. I have no hope. From the beginning I didn't stand a chance. But you come to me when you feel threatened, when you're deeply upset and when you're lonely. You come to me when you need me. I thought perhaps a small part of you wanted to be with me even if your whole being rejects the thought. I started to hope."

It was a gamble and a shameless assumption. But it was all I had to cling on to keep myself sane. There were days when all I wanted to do was to hold him and never let go. I wanted Raziel to look at me with love in his eyes, to kiss me and tell me he needs me.

There were moments when we're bickering, when the night before he was holding me close, loving me, that I thought I'd break down. There were insane moments when I thought of throwing caution to the wind and confessing the truth. But I couldn't do it. Something was always holding me back. I was always afraid. I kept telling myself I needed more time.

"I could have ended it by telling you the truth when you're in the right state of mind, when you're conscious of your actions. I've had a lot of opportunities to do so but I wanted to gamble everything on those moments I was stealing from you."

I was crying now. Tears of shame and pain, how could I have done that to Raziel? I had my chance and I blew it. I feel wretched but I have no one to blame but myself.

"I hoped that your body and your heart would remember those moments you spent with me even if your mind tends to forget them all."

I love him, heaven only knows how much. But you don't cheat the person you love. You don't love them by taking away their choices. You don't ensnare and trap them in a situation they cannot control.

I willingly deceived Raziel. I lied to him and took away his choices. I did all that while he was in a trance, when he had no defense against me.

I placed my palms on the window and rested my forehead on the cool thick glass. I took a gamble and lost it all.

I was startled when I felt his strong arms around me. He was silent, too silent. I was sure he'd walked away and leave me alone. But he didn't. Instead he was holding me like he couldn't bear to be apart from me. I didn't turn to face him. I was afraid of what I'd see on his face. But Raziel kept holding me close, nuzzling the back of my neck.

"You won, Quinn." He whispered by my ear, his warm breath fanning my cheeks. "You're right. My mind forgot all the times I spent with you. But I'd remedy that as soon as you agree to be mine again."

Raziel placed one leg in between mine, successfully trapping me between him and the tall glass windows.

"My body remembers you, Quinn. Every time I'm near you I burn for you. I yearn for your touch. I want to remember it all. I want to remember how it feels like to hold you, to lose myself in you."

My knees buckled as he trailed open-mouthed kisses on the side of my neck and behind my ears. He had one hand locking me in place and the other travelling the side of my body. If Raziel wasn't holding me up, I would have slid down on the floor. I heard him groan when I couldn't keep the moans from escaping in between my lips.

"You took a gamble on me once, Quinn." He whispered hoarsely nibbling my sensitive lobe. "Please take a chance on me again. I swear this time we'd both win."

I half turned in his arms and met his lips with mine. Raziel pulled me closer and aligned our bodies until we're molded as one. Not even our clothes could stop the warmth from his body from spreading through mine. It was like wildfire, untamed and fierce.

"Please," he murmured, grabbing my hips gently and squeezing it. Giving me no room to doubt his desire to have me. "Please. Please. Please." He punctuated each plea with a kiss on sensitive spots only he knows best.

It's nice to hear him beg. It makes me want to do naughty things. But whom am I kidding? This is what I've been waiting for. The moment I've been dreaming of.

Honestly, I'm still afraid. But I'm willing to gamble everything if it means being with Raziel. Win or lose, doesn't matter, now that I'm with him. With Raziel, I want the same thing I've always wanted. A chance…

"Yes." I breathed out before his mouth claimed mine for another searing kiss.