April Fools Chapter: A Hellsing Ultimate Abridged Special

(Ah let me get my narrative voice on. Feel free to imagine whatever tone of voice you want)

-Some time after Rosario Vampire-

Throughout the streets of London, people were heard screaming. Not for joy or excitement, but because everyone's favorite Fuckmothering, Turkey-stuffing, I-am-my-own-WHYboner, Netflix enjoying Vampire was driving an antique car with the top half exposed. Not because it was built to do so, but because his new friend, the ice cream themed, truck-kun driving, dick kicking, shortstacc had told him, and I quote 'Hey why not make this bitch a convertible'. Of course, the Vampire agreed and let the girl use her sword to cleanly cut off the roof while driving a hundred and fifty kilometers on the wrong side of the road.

"Hey you know where to get more goats right!?" The Vampire, Alucard asked.

"Pff.. The fuck do I look like? A farmer?" The ice cream woman, Neo replied.

Her feet were up on the dashboard, enjoying the 'Sunday drive'. While in the back, smoking a cigar and trying to keep his bowler hat on was the ginger thief, wearer of too much guyliner, dripped out of his fucking mind, Rizz extraordinaire himself, Roman Torchwick. He wasn't as relaxed as the two in front but he did get a kick out of the terrified faces of everyone Alucard nearly hit.

"You're trying to find goats in a big ass city like this? Only weirdos and Kool-Aid Cultists will have any. And last time I checked, you already killed off that one cult that worshipped... uh.. what was it again?" Roman asked, scratching his head.

"Thicc Cthulu. It'd be too powerful and sexy to take on.. We did the world a favor, truly" Neo responded with a solemn nod.

"Aw fuck it then. It's only half painted so let's scrap it. Who wants some ice creaaaaaam!?" Alucard asked jovially, right before ramming the car alright into the UK's first and only Dairy Queen.

Neo hopped out with a smile and approached the employee standing in horror at the ruined wall and the bloodsoaked antique car.

"Hey can I get an extra large Blizzard? Hmm... make it the banana cream pie one. The graham cracker bits and little banana pieces are to kill for.." Neo said while Alucard and Roman casually lined up behind her.

"I..I..... o..kay.." The employee replied, afraid of the three very unusual people standing in front of him.

And thus, they fled-or, walked off the scene, all enjoying their treats.

-A week later, Cheddar-

Alucard, Neo and Roman were taking a walk. A very enthusiastic one, given the number of bodies they left behind. Ghouls, all over the area. Neo was disappointed they weren't the Tokyo Ghoul kind and more so just zombies.

"Wait so you're telling me.. They eat human flesh, have weird red tentacle things, can regenerate and they have more than two eyes?" Alucard asked, seeming offended.

"Eh the owl only had one but that dragon had a shit ton of them, yeah" Neo replied with a shrug.

"Oh yeah that show.. Too edgy for me. Also went kinda downhill after the second season" Roman replied, blowing smoke out of his mouth after having 'appropriated' Integra's cigar supply.

"Fuck me, they really stole my schtick! Let's go purge them after we're done he-" Alucard was interrupted when he heard heavy breathing ahead.

There was a vampire ahead. He was holding a police girl by her breasts. There were a few dozen ghouls ahead. What really threw Neo off though, was that he wasn't a priest. He, instead wore a red shirt that said 'Harem God Emperor GhostyZ'.

"Ah you finally came, Cuck Retard Vampire!" The sweating and chubby vampire said, licking his lips.

"Uh.. huh.." Alucard replied flatly, looking at Neo's dead eyed face.

"So that's him right? Reincarnated guy?" Alucard asked, glancing at Roman, who chuckled as they ignored the chubby vampire.

"Yeah just... let me confirm something" Neo replied, seeming 'eager'.

"OHHH EMM GEEEE! Are you the famous GhostyZ!? The HAREM GOD?" Neo excitedly asked, skipping over to the chubby vampire casually.

Seeing Neo, he was reminded of the R-18 sex scene he wrote in his terrible fanfic, RWBY: Dark System. He groaned as the police girl's eyes widened.

"Oh EW EW EWW!!! He just came! And.. huh.. he's pretty small" The Police girl heard Alucard cackle mockingly with Torchwick.

"You'll learn to love it, slut. Neo? I thought you didn't talk? Hm. Oh well. Yes, I am the-" He was cut off by Neo, who pulled out a GAU-22 gatling gun and unloaded into the Police Girl and GhostyZ until the girl fell over with fifty bullet holes in her.

Once GhostyZ fell over, Neo put the rapidly rotating muzzle against his crotch and kept firing for a full minute. By the end, everything below his waist was shredded to bloody bits and Neo looked satisfied. Her sigh of relief was all that was heard after the constant rain of bullets. Turning around, she could see Alucard had already turned her while Roman was golfing with the head of a Ghoul.

"Oh you're done? Or do you need a reload?" Roman asked, pulling out his earplugs with an annoyed expression.

"Yeah he failed the vibe check. Now I'm gonna pull an OG Neo move with magic. And I see Allie turned the big tiddy police girl" Neo replied, sharing a thumbs up with Alucard, who had slung Seras over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

GhostyZ was on the ground, in an unspeakable amount of agony as he looked at Neo in shock and fury.

"Y..ou b-" Neo cut him off by shoveling the remains of his pulverized dick in his mouth.

"Shh.. Shhhh... Sweet dreams" Neo's tail struck his forehead and he was forever trapped in a nightmare.

-GhostyZ's nightmare-

He awoke in his bed, sweat pouring off his fat rolls. Sighing to himself, he finally realized it was all a nightmare. Reincarnating without a system into a world like Hellsing Ultimate wasn't possible. Not because it's unrealistic, but because he should have gotten a system, a harem, fucked a divine goddess, gotten a way better body, had a fourteen inch cock. Why? Because he was GhostyZ, fucker of everyone's Mom's and bona-fide racist and misogynist.

He groaned as he sat up in bed and scratched his swamp ass before sniffing his fingers. Though something felt weird today. Like his bed was bigger than it should be. He quickly felt a soft, supple presence next to him, covered by his sheets. Swallowing his saliva, he slowly pulled the sheets up, just to see a rather unexpected sight.

A muscular man. He was ripped, with a six pack. Though his face was unpleasant to look at, he had long black hair fashioned in twin tails. The oddest part was that he was dressed like a Japanese Magical girl and kept shooting him flirtatious winks.

"WHAT THE FUCK!!?" The supreme Harem God screamed, backing up against another hard surface.

"Mmmmm~ No need to get so loud in the morning, darling" The voice behind him said sultrily.

He looked up, just to see Puri-Puri Prisoner there, completely nude. To make matters worse, he was at full mask and GhostyZ could feel it.

He quickly tried to get off the bed, only to come face-to-dick with yet another muscular man. He turned his face up in terror and disgust as he saw the luscious big lips and glowing halo of Hapsiel, who was moaning quite enthusiastically about GhostyZ being so close to his 'angelic rod'.

"Awwwwhn!~ You big tease~" Hapsiel moaned while rubbing his chest in ecstacy.

"NO!!" GhostyZ ran off the bed, tripping and falling towards his desk.

If he positioned it right, he could kill himself.. Such was the plan, until a pair of big green hands graciously saved him and pulled him back. GhostyZ felt something different this time. Something.. soft and rotund. He felt hot breath hit his neck as his eyes widened in terror.

"It's all ogre now.." The voice of Shrek hits his ears as he desperately frees himself, trying to escape the nightmare by killing himself.

Except, as he looks at the room, he sees the cast expanding. Armstrong, both from Full Metal Alchemist and the Senator from Metal Gear Solid. They all start to prowl towards the Harem God, hungrily. Seeing no way out, he tries to jump out the nearest window, only to land in Broly's arms.

"This is what you wanted.... A harem, you.. big, bad boy. Come back to bed, 'Princess'" Broly whispered in his ears, carrying the wailing GhostyZ back inside.

Unfortunately, he was forever trapped in Cheddar. Under a permanent illusion as scientists studied his vampire body and preserved him for the centuries to come.

But that isn't why you're reading, so let's return to the Hellsing Abridged bit, yes?

Days later, Alucard and Neo were chilling in his man cave, dubbed 'The bat cave' by Alucard. He dared Batman to come complain if he had an issue with it. But Batman was a little too busy dealing with the ramifications of Artoria (Neo's beloved sister) being.. Artoria.

"Oh she's going to fuck the DC universe.." Alucard laughed, earning a nod in response as they watched Artoria via Neo's magic.

"Well maybe not? Lucifer's there and they're cool, I'm sure" Neo responded, grabbing more popcorn as Alucard's cell rang.

Answering it, he heard Integra's frantic voice cut in before he had time to answer.

"Alucard get up here now! I'm locked in with the committee on the third floor and-" Alucard cut in before she could finish.

"Y'see I'm gonna have to stop you riiiight there.. You see I'm under direct orders from my boss-Who is a total bitch by the way mrgh!- that I am not to leave this room until such time as the committee has left the building. I was even bribed, imagine that" Alucard replied mirthfully.

"Goddamn it! Fine.. Neo can-" Neo cut her off this time, though...

"Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!! Oh, sorry was that a serious request? Let me laugh harder. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!" Neo replied, hearing the frustration from Integra as she grinded her teeth.

"Alucard, Neo.. you supernatural assholes, I will-" Again, she was cut off.

"Sorry we're going through a tunnel-KSSSSH- can't-KSSSSH-hear!" Neo replied before hanging up.

"I swear to god they're going to give me a hemorrhage.." Integra scowled before calling Walter.

"Walter.. tell me you, the Police girl and Roman are nearby.." Integra asked, hoping for a good answer.

"Well sir, sir Roman was indeed close by.. but then he said, and I quote 'Who the fuck is this.. N-word calling a faggot ginger' and properly stormed off to fight one of the intruders" Walter finished, hearing the groan from Integra.

Followed by several explosions heard down the hallway and a gratuitous amount of curse words. Integra held her head in her hands, not even acknowledging Seras and Walter's arrival.

Several minutes later, Alucard and Neo had switched to watching a little white creature breakdance in front of a Goblet, mocking someone. Followed by a muscular Bird girl punching a blue man with elf-like ears. It was all building to a climax when the wall exploded, the seventy inch plasma wide screen TV with it. Both Neo and Alucard deadpanning at the blond man who just strolled in.

"That was a seventy inch.. plasma screen TV...." Clicking his tongue, Alucard sighed before Neo chimed in.

"Alright, son.. What can we do for you?" Neo asked calmly.

"You must be the great Alucard annnnd... uh..?" He looked at Neo, confused and unimpressed.

"Oh this? New BFF. BFF, meet our entertainment for tonight" Alucard introduced as Neo waved at him.

"So who gets him? There's not enough for two" Neo asked, looking at Alucard.

"Riiiight.. Rock, Paper, Scissors?" Alucard asked.

"Excuse me? I only came for Alucard. The Nightwalker.. Who glides through oceans of blood.. Beyond human.. A monster whose power radiates with a darkness that casts a shadow on DARKNESS itself" The blond finished as both Neo and Alucard looked to each other.

"Damn.. He REALLY wants the D" Neo commented as Alucard nodded.

"You dirty bitch.. Work the shaft!" Alucard added, making the blond confused.

"Ex..cuse you?" He asked, brows twitching.

"Oh I'm sorry. I like to dirty talk when someone's 𝘀𝘂𝗰𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗺𝘆 𝗱𝗶𝗰𝗸" Alucard replied, hearing a snort from Neo.

"Perhaps I should just skip to my point. My name is Luke Valentine-" Alucard cut him off at the end with a grin.

"And I'm Carmen Sandiego. Guess where I am!" Alucard replied, though before Luke could retort, Neo used her semblance to turn into Carmen Sandiego.

"Just in case you didn't get the reference, Daddy issues" Neo/Carmen commented, tipping her red hat.

"I'm trying to have a conversation with you here" Luke replied, visibly frustrated.

"Oh so am I. And I'm failing. And I'm sorry for that. It's just that I'm so agitated, because this blond little shit: Strolled into my room, Destroyed my SEVENTY INCH PLASMA TV.. and is trying to impress me like I'm his alchoholic Father" Alucard replied, Luke soon taking out his gun and trying to shoot Alucard but is interrupted when Neo hit him across the face with her belt buckle.

Alucard whistled as Luke slowly turned over to Neo with a furious expression.

"Oooh.. bringing back some memories?" Neo said with a smile before Luke opened fire on them both.

Meanwhile, Jan Valentine was having a terrible, no good, bad day. Roman kept shooting his cane into the vampiric cock he proudly declared would skullfuck Integra. And his minor regeneration was working against him. Walter and Seras were quickly dispatching the ghoulified Hellsing soldiers while Roman purposefully smacked Jan into every single painting on the wall.

"Fuck! Who the fuck are you, asshole!?" Jan spat out a tooth and asked.

"Well that's an interesting question. But I'm not one to answer edgy little faggots like yourself. So I'll ask one of my own. What's that on your face?" Roman asked, twirling Melodic Cudgel.

"Wh-" "IT WAS PAIN, BITCH!" Roman interrupted, blasting his face full of fire dust as he blindly ran into the board room, face on fire.

Only to be shot to pieces as soon as the doors opened.

"AGH- FUCK-FUCK-SHIT-FUCK!!" Jan cursed before sliding down the wall.

"Fuck... that ginger assh-OHLLE!" Jan screamed as Roman fired again at his balls, roasting them like marshmallows.

"Good.. At least someone's being helpful around here" Integra said with a sigh.

"Oh I don't know about that.. Neo is beating up the other brother now" Roman said, stealing Integra's cigar and taking a puff.

"...Wait, what?"

-Basement of Hellsing manor-

Usually, Alucard would be playing with his food right about now. Cracking a joke while he ate the one who annoyed him. But that was not the case. The fact was, he was laughing.

Somehow, Neo took the image of Luke's father, pulled out a can of beer and had started to beat his ass like he was a misbehaving child. Using the belt to deflect bullets while continually hitting Luke as he tried to crawl up the stairs. His body didn't break, no. But by the fortieth stair, his spirit did. Luke crawling into a fetal position and trembling.

"Ahh.. spirit broken. Bon-Appétit, friend" Neo strolled down the stairs, smiling as Alucard grinned.

"That was beautiful, BFF.." Alucard sniffed and high fived her before binging on well-done blond.

"Ahh.. I should invite Artoria, Muun and Scrungo over!" Neo grinned like she just had an amazing idea.

[Yeah, April Fools Special baby! Figured why not? Also I started co-Authoring on a story called Bleach: A Tiger and Bunny's Tale with Reykale. Over on their profile, check it out! You like yuri? You like tan girls? You like musclemommy's? You'll like it~ Thanks for reading!]