Cat that hurt the wolf

Blake pov

After Mom's words there was a moment of silence between us . Most of the initial emotions had already subsided in us although the atmosphere was still somber . This brief period of calm gave the two of us a moment to think . It also allowed me to think and understand Mom's approach to all this and .... I understood that mom is not making excuses for anyone because for her everyone has a fault in this situation . And perhaps there is a little right .

' However, do I have the right to tell about someone else's guilt ? When I myself bear the mark of betrayal of a person close to me . Neglecting her despite her condition , causing her further suffering in imprisonment and loneliness . I caused pain to my mother and father , anyone who cares about Lappland . I supported an organization that is considered terrorist and honestly looking from the perspective of ordinary people they are right '

I think all way back to that moment when it all hit me . When it hit me that the all imperfection in the actions of the white fang , I blamed on Lappland . However, the person destroying the white fang was always Adama . Yes Lappland was aggressive and unpredictable , however she was also sick . For that Adam did all this deliberately and lied to me , even when I asked him to calm down he was the same , not like Lappland who tried to control herself .

' But Lappland was also stubborn from the beginning . I really thought that when she felt hurt she would let go . How was I supposed to know that she would really jump into the fire for me , even when it was I who created that fire myself ? How was I supposed to know how strongly she loved me , when I myself ignored her for fear of abandoning my own ideals ???? How was I supposed to understand when I was so blind to the world around me ?? Why did Lappland hurt herself like that ??? Lappland is crazy , but is she so crazy to follow me and thus allow herself to be hurt on behalf of someone like me ?? '

Thinking about all this I . I .... I simply could not understand and I still do not understand why Lappland loves me so much ?

' Lappy sacrificed so much to try to protect me from myself . Is it really obsession from the first meeting , did I hit her too hard then ? I just don't understand why it was Lappland who chose me of all people ? There were so many people who were closer to Lappland from the very beginning . '

' Sienna , my mother ... So many people and yet I was the one who became Lappland's obsession and support . From the first meeting for Lappland we were friends , lovers ... family . But is it really enough for Lappland to ignore everything I did to her ? '

Thinking about it I remember Mom's last words .

Blake : "Mom do you really believe that after all that has happened between me and Lappland everything can be the same ? Do you believe that I deserve it . I understand that everyone had their fault in this but you can not ignore my direct fault . I am the one who ultimately stabbed Lappland ."

I ask my mother directly , seeing that she secretly hoped that my relationship with Lappland would continue . For me this hope was faint however the look at my mom face ..... She really seems to believe it .

Kali : " I don't know Blake . It's not up to me it's up to Lappland . But looking at the fact that you live together , I would like to believe that at least you are not hostile to each other . However you tell me Blake what Lappland thinks about what happened ."

Says mom with real hope in her voice at which I can only sigh .

Blake : " Lappland pretends that nothing has happened , she behaves just the same as she did at the time before she joined the white fang . I am sure she is aware of everything but she just doesn't want to bring up the subject ."I tell mom as it is , while combing my fingers through my hair , which fell on my face . Mom looked at me as if judging the situation from my words , then with a sigh she looked deeply into my eyes .

Kali : " Then what is the problem Blake ? Looking at your attitude it seems to me that you yourself are not willing to continue the relationship . What is going on Blake ? "

Asks mom , looking at me confused and uncertain . Sighing I rub my hand through my hair again ruining it . Not caring about the hair on my face , I tell my mother what I think , after all , she would draw out the truth from me anyway .

Blake : " Mom I ... I love Lappland and a relationship with her is probably the only thing I could dream of in the future..... Unfortunately I only realized this when I lost her .... When Lappland was not with me I understood what loneliness I felt without her . Many times at night I had dreams about Lappland . When I was with Adam I thought only of her , not of him . Sometimes the most ordinary things reminded me of her , I was so desperate to smell her in things she never touched . When I realized the betrayal of Adam and others , I felt lonely in the crowd ..... I felt the lack of any friendships . When I realized that I lost Lappland because of them ... I felt as if I had died inside"

Blake : " For the first time in my life , I felt that I had lost something inside me . I love Lappdumb even when she is doing everything that annoys me so much . Her one smile with that one wild look of hers , gives me a feeling that only I can get from her . Only in Lappy's embrace ..... I feel loved , I feel safe , I feel .... so at home . The feeling of her heartbeat , her smell , her warmth . Without her everything is so boring . Even if Lappland is a barrel of explosive dust , this feeling of danger makes me feel alive . Only Lappland can wash away the stress from me with one hug , only her smell and touch allows me to feel so many conflicting emotions . "

Blake : " Only with her in one bed I can fall asleep so quickly . Only in the presence of Lappland can I have such a pleasant sleep . Only Lappland can destroy all my defenses with one kiss . Only she can convey so many feelings to me with one look . Only Lappland can be so gentle , while being so dominant . I love her , I doubt that I will ever feel something like that for someone ... "

In the end I ran out of words . Before I could say anything more I gasped and gathered myself to cry again . Every word I said brought me more memories . The nice memories as well as the bad ones . And even memories that I would be ashamed to admit . However , the important thing is that I do not lie about my feelings . Even if she sometimes irritates me , Lappland is my life , my love , my true passion and I do not know how to deal with the fact that I hurt her , even if she forgives me I can not forgive myself .

Kali : " So what is the problem Blake ? If you love her and she has forgiven you , then what is the problem ? I understand that there will be problems but you can't give up ."

Mom said . And surprisingly her words ..... made me angry . I was angry because mom so simply brushed the subject aside just like Lappy . Feeling tears flow from my dry eyes again , I let my anger carry me away . Anger that was built from my inner disgust and anger at myself .

Blake : " What is the problem !!!! Everything is the problem ... What I did to her does not deserve a second chance . I did something so horrible and it eats me up from the inside , mom !!! I can't even look in the mirror without wanting to punch myself in the face , let alone look Lappland in the face when she looks at me with those eyes that are in love with me . I feel like the worst monster mom . I fucked up , I hurt her .... I feel disgusted with myself seeing her feelings for me . I don't deserve this love , damn it !!!! "

I scream in frustration grabbing the ribbon on my head only to ripp it from my ears , at the same time with my other hand I squeeze the scroll so hard that I feel my fingers sink into the casing . However , after two breaths the pain in my hoarse throat brought me back to order . Tossing the ribbon aside I wipe my tears again .

Then feeling even worse for having yelled at my mother I look at her and just as I thought she doesn't seem happy , but nevertheless I see sadness in her eyes . It's like when I or Lappy did something wrong by which mom was angry with us , and yet she felt sad for being angry with us . In other words, my mom was disappointed in me . However, I am also disappointed in myself

Kali : " Blake Belladonna !!!!! You want to run away again !!! This girl has suffered so much and still loves you . You say that Lappland is aware of everything that happened , which means that she is now doing everything consciously for you , because she feels something for you despite what you did to her . Do you know how she must love you to forgive this and do you realize how broken she will be if you continue to reject her after all this just because of your own selfishness and fear ?? Lappland is too fragile for that !!! Blake if Lappland breaks because of this , I will not forgive you !!! Not this . You can run away from the white fang but I won't let you run away from it . "

Cali : " You love Lappland and she loves you . If it was different it would have to be resolved differently , because I could not force you to love someone . But what you are doing now will destroy not only your life but the life of Lappland , which I will not allow you to do because I love you both . I raised you to be a model of a true member of the white fang , not a terrorist but someone fighting for freedom , someone brave and proud in expressing who they are and what they believe in and stand for . Not a coward who runs away from every problem she is afraid to solve , hiding behind everything she can . "

Says mom, with a furrowed brow . Her voice drips with disappointment and anger and her shout at the very beginning combined with the pounding of her fist on the table scared me . Because I can't remember the last time mom was so angry with me or anyone that she yelled. So many times we had smaller arguments that could be intense when the subject of the argument was white fang , Adam or Lappland . However mom was never that angry .

Kali : " Stop feeling sorry for yourself Balke , you are no longer a child much less the main victim of all this . Yes , Adama fooled you . But believe me not only you . You know when I first time met Adam I was grateful to him for saving your father.But you know what , Lappland because of her past has always been cautious and sensitive to lies . That's why I myself from the beginning , noticing Lappland's behavior around Adam , I knew that there might be something wrong with him . "

Kali : " But still , just like you I thought that most of her hatred of Adam , is due to her pure jealousy because you were already fascinated by him . So don't worry about it Balke , because Adama also deceived me and your father . He has deceived everyone . If it wasn't for what you told me perhaps I would still be unaware of what kind of person he is . "

Saying this , mom already looked calm as if this outburst just now was just an illusion however in her eyes I could see her turbulent emotions when she mentioned this uncertainty about Adam that Lappland had from the beginning . Clearly she is angry that she trivialized it back then .

Kali : " But back to the actual and most important topic . You said yourself that Lappland is trying to skip this topic so even if it torments you , let her cool down it's only been how long , since you released her ? You haven't even given Lappland and yourself time to see how things are going between you . In my eyes you just want to break this relationship without looking at it that you are further hurting Lappland and yourself with this behavior . And in my opinion you want to do this because you yourself know that if it was Lappland who did this to you , you would not forgive her ."

Kali : " If you were , anyone other than my own child Blake ... I would have already skinned you alive for what happened to Lappland . You got chance Balke . A chance from the person you failed and betrayed , if I were in your shoes instead of whining and making excuses . I would be looking for ways to make her not regret this decision . Become the perfect pratner , lover , friend for her . Give her your time , cook her food , do anything to rebuild what these events destroyed between you . Even if it takes another decade . As it will be difficult , very difficult . Love is more than empty words and promises . It is boundless trust , closeness , compassion , willingness to sacrifice everything for the sake of the other , exactly what Is Lappland has been doing for you all this time and what you don't do . "

Kali : " Well unless you want to be punished ? Is that what this is all about ? You want Lappland to beat you , kill you , hate you , abandon you ... You know what Blake ..... Lappland loves you , she has already shown you that many times . Let this guilt of betraying her , be a punishment for you . Feel this disgust for yourself with every affection from her but don't let it continue to hurt her . "

Kali : " In the end , no matter what happens you will always be by Lappland's side because you love her yourself , and accept before it really comes to tragedy . Because by then it will be too late to show this affection to each other . You only have one life so don't waste it Blake , the kind of affection that Lappland gives you is very rare . It is doubtful that any couple would survive something like this. "

Says mom apparently annoyed by my lack of speech , but I ..... I don't know what to think . I know deep down that my mother is right , however I am confused . I gave up a long time ago ..... I ..... I gave up Lappland to some blonde .... I am really running away again . I run away even from the feelings of the person I hurt . The worst thing is that I also love this person . I would like to be with her , my little Lappdumb however .....

'What am I supposed to do ... I was spoiled ..... I was too comfortable in life . I thought this between me and Adam was love , but it was just an illusion in which I saw a perfect future in him , when in fact Lappland was building this future for me . Or rather she was trying her best to do it . In the end it was Lappy who loved me the most , she was always there holding my dreams and expectations on her back . Despite the fact that I stabbed her repeatedly she continued to love me without letting me go . '

' I told myself , even now that it is just her obsession however her eyes do not lie . Lappland never lies . Everything she did , she did consciously at the time . She knew what would happen that day , she even took her blades . But still Lappland counted on death because for her it was the only way to deal with her life and pain at that moment . '

' Lappland has always been the most wonderful thing to cherish . However, with my behavior I forced her to catch the razor and Lappland like a drowning person hurt herself being with an idiot like me . Because I was more important to her , more important than her own life . '

' Both Adam as well as Lappland have done a lot of bad things with the difference that Lappland thought of me from the beginning . I won't say that she is innocent , because even mom admitted that she did what she did . But I saw her crying , which only someone with a heart can do . She cried in front of me im that rainy day , and probably cried many times alone at the bottle . Monsters without a heart don't cry . '

' On the other hand Adam . Unlike Lappland , he never showed remorse , even when he was fully aware of what he was doing and I asked him to calm down . I knew that what happened to him in the past might have changed him , however, I never imagined that he would be a real monster . '

Kali : " Don't think too hard about it Blake . Rest ..... Too many emotions for today. Think about it tomorrow and decide . Now that you are together with Lappy in Vale , ready to join the academy I think you have already secured money ? If something happens , call and your father and I will send you more money , now we may be busy but we will come to visit you as soon as we are done with our business . I will talk to Aqua to help you in case of problems . And Blake , take care of Lappland . I love you ...."

After these words mom without waiting for my answer end the conversation . Leaving me alone in an empty dark room in which the sound of rain hitting the window was clearly set off . Looking into the window I can see the dark night on the other side which makes me know that I spent some time on this conversation . However, the first thing I thought of at that moment was ...

' Where is Lappland ?