not the same

"I can't do it!"

"Tallie you have to. I swear that I don't want you to experience this but please, you have to", Jaxon spoke with pure authority mixed with concern. He looked at me with wide pleading eyes, was desperate for me to take the shot. My hand holding the weapon was shaking so much and my vision started to blur.

'Why couldn't I do it?', I've been training for this for years now. Locked up in cell after cell because of the slightest mistakes. Getting beaten up for what? I had to do this. If I don't, I'm not the only one who would face the consequences. I looked at Jaxon again. We were partners. So the punishment of the mistake from either one of us will be faced as one. I couldn't do that to him. I didn't need someone to suffer because of me.

Jaxon sighed as he pushed back his midnight black hair from his forehead. He looked at me, "Look Tallie, it's fine. I will just tell Daniel that you're not ready yet. It's completely fine sweetheart. I can take a day in the cell for you." No, he can't. As much as he shows to the world how unbreakable he is, I know him. He would go mad going in the cell. Being the brightest and the strongest doesn't mean you're not punished as often. Jaxon's bravery has its own cons. He's too brave that he breaks the rules too much and misbehaves and ends up frequently in the cell.

I teared my gaze away from Jaxon and looked at the barely conscious body on the ground beneath me. His eyes were pleading as they gazed upon me. Begging for mercy. The target's breath came in short pauses indicating he took too much hit from Jaxon himself. He had a huge bleeding gash on the left side of his forehead from when he hit his head on the edge of the dresser. He was so vulnerable at this moment that we could do anything to him and he wouldn't have the slightest of strength to fight back.

I teared my gaze from the victim and to the patient boy by my side, looking at me with concern and care. The only person who looks at me like that.

I took a deep breath."I'm ready. I can do it", with false determination. False or not I had to do this. Jaxon gave me a very hesitant nod in return and his face turned emotionless looking at the body on the ground. I looked at the victim and pushed all of my emotions away. The faint pleading from the target ignored by both Jaxon and I. I steadied my hand and aimed the gun directly at the target's forehead. With a deep breath, I took the shot and the room filled with a loud bang.

That was the first time I killed someone in my life. The first of hundreds of them.

-------------

I woke up gasping for air. My breathing heavy and uneven as if I just ran a marathon without any physical exercise beforehand. I looked at my army-green t-shirt, soaked in sweat. My hair sticking on my sweaty face. I cringed in disgust thinking about how I would look in the mirror. Darkness engulfed my room that made me wonder if I had woken up in an ungodly hour again. I looked at the digital clock on my nightstand on the left side of my bed.

6.05 a.m it read. With a loud groan I threw the covers off the bed because of how hot it was and sat up. I took the gun under my pillow and placed it on the nightstand beside phone. Growing up as a killer made me become extra careful and especially after everything that went down 4 years ago, I even started cuddling with my guns.

With a heavy sigh I started making my way to the bathroom to start my morning routine Switching on the light in the bathroom, I came face-to-face with my appearance in the mirror that made me wonder if I had rolled out of a swamp. I started stripping of from my clothing and head straight for the shower. 'Maybe the hot water can wash away all my demons. Even if it's for a little while'. Closing my eyes I blocked out the gruesome memories of my life before. The screams and gunshots trying to resurface. Trying to break me more than it already did.

After almost half-an-hour in the shower, I finally got out, all wrapped up in a cotton towel, already wearing my undergarments. My skin all red for being in hot water for too long. I took out a white long-sleeved fitted crop top and a a pair of sweatpants, quickly putting them on. I took my bag sitting on the desk chair and started putting in things I need for the day. Finally, I got my gun from the nightstand and stuffed it deep inside my bag, remembering to put the safety on beforehand. My past will come bite me in the ass one day and there's no denying it.

After getting organized and ready, I got out of my room to only be hit with the scent of fried eggs, toast and coffee. I look at the living at the living room and saw empty pizza boxes laying on the sofa. So I took them and carried it into the kitchen, coming with a sight I've become so familiar with over the past years. With a slight cough of my throat, the figure showing their bare back, tilted their head behind to look at me.

Conner Fibrizio. The only person from my past that has been by my side for 4 years now. His dark brown hair falling over his forehead as he looked at me with a slight smile tugging up his lips. His eyes skimming over my appearance in approval.

Conner has been by my side the day. The day when someone so close to my heart had to leave and completely vanish from my life. As soon as the the place we were born in-Pericolo- was brought down by none other than Jaxon Taylors, Conner and I got the opportunity to get away from there. It wasn't only us but there were more of us as well who wanted to escape the place we came from. We fled from Italy to America the moment we had the chance. It was hard at first. Having no one to rely on but each other. Being 19 at that time gave us the chance to get a job and build ourselves a life that is comfortable enough for now.

"You look drained", said Conner, his face turning into a frown taking up my fatigued face. He dropped whatever he was doing and came to stand right in front of me. His eyes analyzed my features and coming to a quick realization." Another bad dream?", he asked. Conner, despite having his room on the other side of the apartment, tend to find me in vulnerable state during my slumber.

Among the three of us, me, Jaxon and him, Conner has senses that cannot be compared to. He could hear me sobbing in the middle of the night no matter how silent I was. Ever since then, he had been more aware of my conditions at night and came to know that I had frequent nightmares, nightmares of my past. Nightmares of my demons. My worst demons.

"Thanks for breakfast Conner. You're the best yada yada.", I said with a tone lacking of emotions. It has become a normal thing for Conner to wake up early and cook us breakfast. I hated cooking but loved eating. Conner on the other hand has a love towards cooking and it only seems fair that he cooks for us. That and the fact that I did not want to learn cooking. I do most of the cleaning in the apartment so I wouldn't feel that much of a guilt.

Guilt. A feeling that I've grown accustomed with throughout the years.

"What time does your class start today?", Conner asked.Instinctively I groaned while burying my face in my hands.

Class. College. Education. The Idea of these three things seemed enticing four years back but now, I'm just dreading it. It's probably because I didn't expect to go on with my dream plans without him.

"It starts at eight but I'm probably going head in fifteen minutes late considering Mr.Jeng's tardiness", I said with a slight frown. How that man is still a professor baffles me.

Conner placed the eggs on my plate in front of me . "Well, I can give you a lift if you want. I'm heading to the workshop a little early today because I have a repair due for later", Conner said while sipping coffee from his mug now.

Conner worked in a workshop just 20 minutes away from our apartment. He was never one to get into college. It wasn't his forte he said. Instead he found a job that pays really good and gives bonuses for well-working employees-Conner, who was a born natural when it comes to mechanics.

"That's cool. I was going to ask you for a lift anyway. Don't feel like walking today. I have a throbbing headache", I said as I watched Conner clear up the kitchen utensils from behind. He wasn't wearing a shirt which gave a clear view of his broad and muscly back. There is no denying that Conner is in good shape. He had muscles that can be seen from afar and a very confident stance and aura around him. The constant attention from women can prove that. His eyes were greenish-brown that got a glimpse of mischief in them. He had a tattoo on his bicep that has been there since he was 17.

Fratello. Jaxon had the very same one but his was right above the left side of his abdomen.

"Alright that the let me go get a shirt and we'll leave seeiming it's already 7.45", Conner said with a clap of his hand. With a faint nod I got up and took my bag from my living room. I took the keys of the counter and headed towards the door, the same time Conner came out of his room fully dressed. "You got it in your bag?".

I knew what he was asking. Conner was asking me if I had my gun with me. we practically grew up using them so being deprived of it makes us anxious. Yeah, we got trained to fight without weapons but they're always easier.

"Yeah I got it with me. You know I always got it." Conner nodded in approval. We started walking to the elevators to get to the basement parking lot.

As soon as we got in the car Conner asked if I was ready to get to class.

"Yeah I'm ready", I replied lightly. I imagined all of this differently in my head before but it's just not the same.