1 Prologue

In the heart of New York, where the streets themselves even hum with a unique tune, rests the Julliard School—a place where talent would collect. It was somewhere I'd spent the past few years. I worked hard at craft that distracted me from reality. Now the end was a step away.

"So why do you want to play this song?" Mr. James asked me with a confused face. It was the day of the concert, and I wanted to switch my piece right before going on stage. The song also didn't match the show's theme, which further confused Mr.James, the symphony orchestra's conductor. I prepared Fauré's Élégie op 24 on my cello, which was more heartwrenching than the other uplifting pieces played throughout the concert.

"It's my favorite piece, and my sister always loved it when I played it," I said. Mr.James looked at me for a few seconds before sighing.

"Only this once will I allow it this once. So don't make me regret my decision," the conductor said. I also assured him that the accompanist knew the part as well.

"Thank you, sir. I appreciate all you have done for me." I said sincerely.

"Get on the stage and play the piece. I already said yes, so I don't need all those flowery words," Mr.James said as he turned his head. He was the most agreeable professor I had at the university. I would even say Mr. James was like a father figure, and I truly appreciated him for everything he did for me.

I slowly walked onto the stage with closed curtains before taking a seat. I put my black binder on the metal stand before picking up the cello and the black horsehair bow beside my chair. The accompanist soon followed and set up thier music before signaling to one of the stage crew that we were ready. The stage crew member spoke into his mic before the announcer began to talk.

"First, I would like to thank you all for coming. Our concert honored those graduating students who will be on to bigger and better things. To end it all, we have a piece prepared by an alumnus of the University of Maryland College Park and a recent graduate from Julliard, Nemo Fenris, who has just received his doctorate. I probably should have said Dr. Nemo Fenris in that case, but please give him a round of applause as we welcome him back to this stage." the announcer said as the red curtains opened, and a bright light blinded my eyes.

I could see the could with all thier anticipating faces. Unfortunately, I didn't recognize any, but I had no family to speak of anyway. Overall, I was happy to be back at The University of Maryland Clarice Smith Performing Arts Center's stage. I had fond memories of playing here, and it was a happier time for me. I took a deep breath before I gave my accompanist a look.

Once they began to play, I waited until it was time to start. From the first note, I got enraptured in my playing. From the dynamics of my bow work to my vibrato, I felt everything was as it should be. Hearing the rhythm, melody, and harmony was all calming. It was as if time had stopped, and all that existed was this song. I had gotten transferred to a whole new world.

A world that had no physical form wrapped me in a silver mist. There was no sound or life, just silence. Yet, it was peaceful, like I had been covered in a cocoon. Every dynamic, note, rhythm, harmony, and melody hit my soul. Rather than being an empty husk, I felt complete in a way.

By the time I had finished, I felt wrapped in a euphoric feeling. It wasn't until I heard claps that I broke out of my comfortable trance. There were people even crying as I got my standing ovation. I stood up and bowed before putting my arm toward my accompanist. The curtains slowly closed, and everything was pretty much a blur afterward.

The music has almost made me optimistic, but I could never reach an epiphany, for there was no hope left in me. I had no expectation or desire for a specific thing to happen. It was likely because I accomplished my sister's only wish for me before she passed on. She was the beacon of hope that I never had. She had been taking care of me to the best of her ability, even though she was only a few years older.

Unfortunately, she died from a rare disease I couldn't even pronounce. She took care of herself and me because nobody would support us. While she suffered from a condition she never told me about, I studied in school. She overworked herself to death just to let me get an education. I could only continue to move forward as a result. Her sacrifice could not be in vain.

Thankfully, I had a gift to remind me of her. I had a silver ring with two doves facing each other with a small tree in the middle. The inside even had my birthday engraved on the inside. No doubt, this was a costly gift that used up her savings. She told me the doves represented love, peace, and hope, while the tree was for longevity and growth. It was the best gift I ever got, and even when I got my full-ride scholarship, it didn't compare.

My sister held such big hopes and dreams for me, and I couldn't let her down. Even when I was diagnosed with depression and PTSD, I pushed through as if it wasn't there. Although I wanted my sister to rest in peace, it became increasingly difficult as I bottled everything up over time. I didn't know how to express myself because I never learned or had someone to teach me. I knew this, but I didn't feel like seeking help either.

In addition to knowing something was wrong, I also had a deep feeling in the pit of my soul that made me feel I didn't fit in. It was as if I was programmed to suffer even when I did my best to blend in. I felt like a sheep in a wolf's skin, in danger of those around me. My life was a complete downer as my emotions were never happy. I held so much sadness within me.

I tried to convince myself that I was always fine continually, but my self-talk wouldn't work. Finally, I became so good at ignoring the problem that I sometimes forgot my inner turmoil. My reality was so grim that I lived in a world of fantasy to keep moving on. The core of my personality also got locked away as a result. I could no longer roll with the punches in life.

I understood that life wasn't fair, but living a life that makes you feel like trash isn't something I wanted to continue living in. If I had children, I'd run the risk of passing it down, and I didn't want to marry anyone, so they would have to deal with everything. I could wish all I wanted for the pain to go away so I could live in peace, but life wasn't a fairy tale. Life was a tightrope struggle that only some would be successful in crossing. I had unfortunately already fallen, leading to me living as if I were in a Grimm fairy tale.

People were too engaged in their own lives even to notice my struggle. Even the individuals I called "friends" never noticed anything off. They were too focused on their own lives even to realize my pain. I could have a more positive outlook on things, but a person could only handle so much before that view shattered. Some of those people even dared to say I had everything, even knowing my past.

To reach the point of success I had, I always tirelessly worked myself to death, and the books layered all over my bedroom proved this. Hours were spent studying every night and taking notes. As a result, my room was a nest of books and papers scattered everywhere. I no longer had any space on my bed to sleep or my desk to work. I had to distract myself by studying so I didn't think about my pitiful life.

My life was like a new house—beautiful and well-built on the outside but empty and cold inside. I took a deep breath as I closed my puffy, red eyes from the tiredness I had felt all these years. So many nights, I cried to sleep, wondering when it would be my turn to experience happiness. Water splashed and hit the bathroom floor as I slowly slipped into the tub. I smiled as I submerged into the depths of the water.

The pain I felt throughout my body as my lungs screamed for air didn't compare to all the pain I felt throughout my life. I was numb to it all at this point. Soon, I blocked out all the pain as I entered some limbo trance. The water's surface seemed to get farther as I sunk into the darkness. I felt as if I had detached from my body. The light from the surface began to disappear, along with all the feelings I had left.

As the darkness surrounded me, I felt at peace with everything. Shadows replaced the white light everyone said to follow. I felt as if I continued to sink deeper and deeper. I could let go of the light inside me for once, forcing me to be great. I didn't have to be the perfect student anymore. I didn't have to cater to anyone's desires anymore. It was as if I could finally zone out of the world, and I had no regrets. If this was how I was going out, so be it. It was as if my body had sunk into the abyss, and I was gone.

I floated in the silent, cold, dark world frozen in stasis. It felt right just as much as I knew it was wrong. The warmth I so desperately wanted, I no longer craved. It was as if a switch had gotten flicked within me, turning off the light. I slowly forgot that there was ever a warmth that kept me pushing forward.