Monster

EP23 Love 

"Jung-min, the girl who sent me your ID earlier?"

"Yes."

"She must be quite famous in this neighborhood. I heard that she was banned from many gambling establishments because of her behavior."

"Really?"

"Yeah, she's a small girl, but she's so big that they don't like her."

"But please don't let her gamble on the internet or anything, really."

"Yeah, she's not allowed in any illegal gambling establishments that can verify her social security number, phone number, etc."

"And if she gambles through this, there's no way to stop her."

"Well, I can't help it. It's her."

"Is that your girlfriend's mother?"

"Yeah. Well, you should see her soon, I have something to tell you."

"Yeah, sure. It's not serious, is it?"

"It's always serious, but have you gotten any good drugs lately?"

"I like the combination pills, and I like the ones that give me hallucinations called LSD. They call it a bad trip, but it has fewer side effects."

"I see, okay, big brother."

Myung-heon is an amazing person. 

He has a lot of good connections, from drugs to gambling. 

His greatest strength is his integrity.

He was a man who valued integrity and trust more than a few bucks. 

He was a beacon of light in an unsafe underworld. 

So if he said something, you did business with him on trust and faith. 

He was never late or unreliable. 

After I finish the call, I immediately call Dahae.

"Where are you?"

"I just finished my shift at the restaurant."

"I need to talk to you. Do you want to have dinner?"

"Sure."

"Why don't we take a walk and eat?"

We walk without talking again, just like yesterday. Hwang Chul-woo texts me back to back.

"What's up with you not calling me today?"

"Dude, I almost lost track of the kids today because I was babysitting alone. It's hard for you, asshole."

"Are you hitting puberty now?" 

"Me, I have something important to do today, please take a look at me, big brother."

"Don't skip tomorrow. You know the importance of exercise, right?"

"Of course."

She was the one who broke the silence. 

"Brother, what you said yesterday is just flowing."

"I think I put too much pressure on her. I think she was just drunk."

"Dahae, what do you think of your mother?"

"Suddenly?"

"You told me a hard story yesterday, but I didn't see any resentment in it." 

"I don't resent her, I'm just tired of this situation."

"Are you sure you want to quit the chemical industry and live out here?"

"I didn't lie about what I said yesterday."

"I really admire you, Dahae."

"What do you mean?"

"You and I are so different. From the way you think to the shape of your heart."

"I live with the emotion of resentment. You don't."

"That's why we're different."

"Who do you blame?"

"People. And circumstances."

"You know, the mother light. I've got that covered."

"I'm not talking about repayment. It's the only thing a worthless bastard like me can do."

"You'll never gamble again, I promise."

"I want you to get on with your life, because I'm tired of living for others. It's been a long time since we've had a cafe, and it's no fun to be the only one in it."

"I want you to smile a lot from now on."

"Why are you paying back all that money? It's over 4,000 dollars."

"Brother, take it back now, I don't like this." 

"Have you ever met a benefactor in your life?"

"Someone who held your hand when you were drowning and choking. Someone who pushed you hard in front of an oncoming dump truck?"

"No."

"It's not that I'm not a savior. There are warm, good people in the world, and I want you to remember that." 

"I've had a lot of painful times with you, you know what I mean?"

"When you live in a dull, dingy place, you're afraid of sunlight, lights, and nostalgia."

"I can't finish because I'm afraid of how broken and shabby I'll be if I go back there again."

"So I'm enjoying being with you, but I hesitate to answer what you said yesterday."

"Wouldn't you be happy if I didn't leave?"

I can hear the desperation and sobbing in her voice. 

The abuse, the broken notions and lack of good adults that came with the sale of her castle. 

The way men viewed her as a sex object and the helplessness she felt as she moved from job to job. 

How much they weighed her down. 

"I'm honestly not confident, and it's true that I don't have good people around me."

"But I really like you, and like I said, I'm just saying that because I feel the same way."

"I felt so guilty after having such a good time, dealing with an older man and entertaining him, but I made up my mind and said it."

"You can leave me and I won't leave you, so let's be together, no, let's not be together, so we can talk about the hard things and take care of each other."

"I'll never change, I'll just be selfish for once"

"..."

I replied unconsciously. 

"Okay. Let's meet."

I don't know what's wrong with my heart. It's shaking. 

"Are you serious?"

"Did you see me lying?"

"I'll be good to you."

"You know, I'm not as normal as you think I am."

"So, when we do see each other, I want you to keep a reasonable distance."

"Okay. Thank you for accepting, brother."

"I do. I hope I can be useful in your life."

"Of course."

"I'll help you unpack. You're staying somewhere else for a while until you find a room."

"Okay."

"Let's go home now and get it together."

"Thanks."

The world is spinning on the way home. 

I wonder if this is okay. 

What good is love and romance when I'm about to die? 

I wonder if I'm too selfish. 

I wonder if my desire to win both love and revenge can handle the shock and betrayal I'll feel when Dahae finds out about my actions. 

What am I taking revenge for? 

Let me be selfish. 

I'm not of this world when I'll be resented anyway. 

Let me live. 

What's so hurtful and painful about a few good memories when everything is gone and dying anyway? 

Life is a play, a tragedy pretending to be a comedy, and there is no need to rejoice or suffer in it. 

There's no need to dwell on the joyful moments, the exciting moments, the tearful separations and the dreaded deaths. 

It's only the message that matters, not the experience of life. 

Okay, let's do what I want. 

I'll do what I want. A preparation is a preparation. Liquor. 

A few hours later. 

"You home?"

I had somewhere to be. I walk in the door and am greeted by neat furniture and diffusers. 

"What, a bomb?"

"Do you know anyone who makes them or how to make them, hyung?"

Kim freaked out. 

"Hey, what kind of terrorist do you think I am?"

"I'm asking what you're going to use it for."

"To put the finishing touches on my life."

"Are you serious?"

"I'll buy it for any price, just let me know. Or at least give me an introduction."

"I have a friend who makes bombs, but I'm not sure about that."

"Why?"

"Dude, you just told me in public that you're going to kill yourself."

"I feel kind of bad for you. I feel like you've changed."

"You're sorry that I've turned into a criminal asshole?"

"No, I'm just sorry that you're so watered down."

"Hyung. If it wasn't for you, I'd be sleeping on the street somewhere."

"If you hadn't told me, I would've wasted my life crawling around on that floor, trying to get revenge."

"You know what I mean, Dean?"

We exchange looks at the table in my workshop. We talk about guilt and crossing the threshold of life.

"Not everyone lives a meaningful life, and neither do I."

"I don't really want to live after I get my revenge, Dean."

"No one has the right to decide another person's life or death."

"I was born and my dad killed my mom."

"Then I was beaten and abandoned in an orphanage, where I was sexually assaulted and abused."

"I suffered for years and years and years, and then I fought my way out and graduated from high school with barely enough money to get by."

"I was used as a punching bag by my classmates there. What the hell am I supposed to do?"

"Why don't you go look up my parents, who were actually rich, like some people do?"

"That's not true. The only reason I'm unhappy is because of luck."

"If my plan goes through, and I land a few counters on my bullies, they're powerless."

"I don't want to fix my already broken body and mind."

"Think about your brother. You know, all those news stories about people who used to suffer from drugs and are now clean and sober."

"You know that's a very small minority of stories."

"You'll never have dopamine for the rest of your life. You know you have to live with pain."

"I don't want to live in this selfish, disgusting world anymore."

"Just like ants don't get stomped to death by people for no reason, neither do I."

"We were born for no reason and we're dying for no reason."

"The last plea I can make is to give death a reason."

"So give me the recipe and the people. Whatever you call it, I'll arrange and prepare it."

"Of course, I'll do my best to keep your identity and safety secret."

"Okay. I'll find out and contact you."

"But Jung-min, there are people in the world who care about you."

"Revenge doesn't have to be killing people. It's also revenge to get over it and live well."

"So I'll give it some more thought and trust your decision because you're a smart guy."

"See you later."

"Thanks, Dean. You don't need to help me with the delivery these days?"

"Nowadays, I bring in the raw materials and make it myself, so the cost is cheap, so there's a lot left over."

"I'm not making deliveries these days. It's a special crackdown. You'll have to find another way." 

"I see. You're smart after all."

I made a plan to begin love and end life. 

There weren't many moments left in the day when I would write in my diary of revenge and relive the terrible days of self-harm. 

But as they say, have the head of a fox and the heart of a lion.

 It's in moments like these that you have to plan fiercely and set traps. That's the key.