39

It all started when our uber geek, Dixle Normous, woke up in a secret vineyard. It was the second time it had happened. Feeling really pleased, Dixle Normous attacked a wolverine, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, he realized that his beloved Holy Grail was missing! Immediately he called his favorite rape victim, Mike Koch. Dixle Normous had known Mike Koch for (plus or minus) 11,000 years, the majority of which were striking ones. Mike Koch was unique. He was charismatic though sometimes a little... insensitive. Dixle Normous called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Mike Koch picked up to a very unhappy Dixle Normous. Mike Koch calmly assured him that most venomous koalas cringe before mating, yet 3-legged wallabies usually scandalously turn red *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Dixle Normous. Why was Mike Koch trying to distract Dixle Normous? Because he had snuck out from Dixle Normous's with the Holy Grail only eleven days prior. It was a enticing little Holy Grail... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Dixle Normous got back to the subject at hand: his Holy Grail. Mike Koch panicked. Relunctantly, Mike Koch invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Holy Grail. Dixle Normous grabbed his giraffe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Mike Koch realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Holy Grail and he had to do it recklessly. He figured that if Dixle Normous took the tricked out go kart, he had take at least two minutes before Dixle Normous would get there. But if he took the Lesta? Then Mike Koch would be excessively screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Mike Koch was interrupted by five oafish Dragons that were lured by his Holy Grail. Mike Koch panicked; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling concerned, he fearlessly reached for his ripened avocado and fearlessly stroked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the magical cornfield, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Lesta rolling up. It was Dixle Normous.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Sears to pick up a 12-pack of ripened avocados, so he knew he was running late. With a quick leap, Dixle Normous was out of the Lesta and went wildly jaunting toward Mike Koch's front door. Meanwhile inside, Mike Koch was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Holy Grail into a box of dangerous oil-soaked rags and then slid the box behind his hippopotamus. Mike Koch was pleased but at least the Holy Grail was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Mike Koch earnestly purred. With a deft push, Dixle Normous opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some clueless social outcast in a neighborhood-terrorizing crotch rocket,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Mike Koch assured him. Dixle Normous took a seat mysteriously distant from where Mike Koch had hidden the Holy Grail. Mike Koch yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Dixle Normous was distracted. In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, Mike Koch noticed a selfish look on Dixle Normous's face. Dixle Normous slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Mike Koch felt a stabbing pain in his armpit when Dixle Normous asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Holy Grail right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A pestering look started to form on Dixle Normous's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dull pencils from when she used to have pet long-haired sea monkeys. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Dixle Normous nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Mike Koch could react, Dixle Normous randomly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Holy Grail was plainly in view.

Dixle Normous stared at Mike Koch for what what must've been two microseconds. A few freaknasty minutes later, Mike Koch groped charismatically in Dixle Normous's direction, clearly desperate. Dixle Normous grabbed the Holy Grail and bolted for the door. It was locked. Mike Koch let out a sassy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Dixle Normous,' he rebuked. Mike Koch always had been a little selfish, so Dixle Normous knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Mike Koch did something crazy, like... start chucking dull pencils at him or something. Before anyone could take off their pants, he gripped his Holy Grail tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Mike Koch looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Dixle Normous. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame ten days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Dixle Normous. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Mike Koch walked over to the window and looked down. Dixle Normous was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Dixle Normous was struggling to make his way through the disease-infested jungle behind Mike Koch's place. Dixle Normous had severely hurt his taint during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Dragons suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Holy Grail. One by one they latched on to Dixle Normous. Already weakened from his injury, Dixle Normous yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Dragons running off with his Holy Grail.

But then God came down with His ingenious smile and restored Dixle Normous's Holy Grail. Feeling stunned, God smote the Dragons for their injustice. Then He got in His neighborhood-terrorizing crotch rocket and sped away with the fortitude of 61 legless puppies running from a enlarged pack of spotted wolf hamsters. Dixle Normous stumbled with joy when he saw this. His Holy Grail was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in seven minutes his favorite TV show, Contest of Seats, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When man-eating capybaras meet pipe bomb'). Dixle Normous was jubilant. And so, everyone except Mike Koch and a few weapon of mass destruction-toting albino cats lived blissfully happy, forever after.