Where We Stood

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I caressed the pendant around my neck. It was present from Martha on my last birthday: a silver rose. I was in coma on this year's and she wasn't here to keep another a present for me. I couldn't believe what had happened did. I didn't want to. The sound of crashing and broken glass spilling into the car seemed like yesterday. I could feel the piercing of glass into my skin each time I moved, the sound of cries each time my ears stayed without a song to pull me out of my over imaginative mind.

I adjusted the strap of my bag, pushed the door to my room open and stepped in. The room felt too big for me but the familiarity had grasped me the moment I walked through. I inhaled the jasmine perfume that pulsed around the room. Mum must have been so excited welcoming me home she sprayed my favourite perfume in the room. My heart ached the moment I saw colour pencil drawing on the wall of my room: two girls curling over one another like the yin-yang. I swallowed hard, dropping my bag on my bed and moving towards it. My name was signed on the bottom and so was Martha's.

"Felicia," my mum called and I turned in response. She waved my phone at me with a smile. I tried my best to return, collecting it from her with a "thank you."

"It should be fully charged," she told me, pulled me close, placed a kiss on my head. "I'll call you down for lunch."

"Alright mum," I replied, watching her exit the room. I shut the door behind her, took off my cardigan, folded it, set it beside my bag and went straight to my laptop, powered it on and waited for it to come up. When it did, I located my most used URL on my browser, FACEBOOK.

The first things that hit me were the number of messages and notifications I had missed in the last five months. I looked through and many were coming in from shared posts and tags but I would go through them later. Martha's death hadn't sunk in yet and even when it tried to, it found a way of disappearing before I could process it.

MARTHA DUNLAP, I hurriedly typed into the search panel, clicked on the familiar face of my best friend, ever smiling with a glow in those blue eyes. I always loved staring at her bio because I was mentioned. I read it out loud, "Bestest friend in the world, Felicia." I couldn't likewise stop myself from clicking on the cover picture. The picture revealed myself, Emily, Jacob, Martha's older brother and Martha herself in the IVY'S ICE CREAM PALOUR downtown. We had wandered there after school, courtesy of Jacob. It was the 4th of May and I shut my eyes to let the date sink into me.

Eight days before the accident, I reminded myself, welcoming the first real blow since I had heard Martha had died. The Dunlaps had come visiting on hearing I had woken up, and even then, I couldn't process Martha not being with them, running to embrace me. Her absence felt like one of those times when she'd journeyed to her aunt's place in Florida and was due to be home in two weeks.

I tapped outside the picture, letting it fade, and continued scrolling down, finding condolence messages from friends, family and relatives. Many were from our classmates. But not anymore, my mind reminded me and I took in another blow that no matter how frequent this one came, I couldn't handle the ache that drove in with it. I didn't get into the university this year. I didn't because of this goddamn accident. I sighed, viewing each condolence, most dated 12 May.

From James Hudson, it read: "As much as I wish to believe this news isn't real, I can't because it is true. Martha, I miss you a lot. To be honest, I wish I could envision life without you but I can't. You were the most loving, cheerful and a beautiful soul to have been around. I miss you..."

From Sarah Alfonso: "This news has come as a shock to us, me especially. I wish it weren't you Martha. I miss you so darn much but the Heavens love you more that they had to steal you away from us."

From Robert Grayson, sports coordinator and coach: "The cross country team has lot the best that ever existed. Martha Dunlap was the prettiest and liveliest person ever to be met. Always there to keep the team in good spirits. It hurts I had spoken to you the day of your accident. Gosh, I don't know what words would do justice to your memories. The team is winning the states in your memory."

The news of the school's running team was among the first news to hit me once I had woken up. Seems Robert Grayson stayed true to that part of his promise to Martha. I scanned through the messages. Even Ava who had never spoken to Martha except when circumstances forced had something to say as well. I frowned at the messages. Everyone had something to say apart from me. I did catch some messages that asked Martha to return me to the world.

The messages started to get to me and I found myself checking my inbox. I got messages telling me to "Get Well Soon," and some informing me of what had happened day-to-day. Those, I had gotten from Travis Burton, a study pal of mine and my cousins, Manuel and Edna, who had started that so I don't miss a thing when I finally awaken. I went through most but tired quickly because I had pushed myself through I road I shouldn't have.

Travis had sent a picture of a novel on the 3rd of March. "A new release," he had captioned the message to me. "I'll tell you all about it. Please wake up😔"

I smiled because he had given me the novel when he came visiting while I was in the hospital. I hadn't been able to contain my joy when he peeked into my room, on one hand five yellow roses and on the other a novel. The same one that sat on my computer screen.

"Hello to my Angel," he had said, pushing his way into my room. I stretched my hands out, inviting him for a hug. He took it but when it got tighter, I had winced and he let go with a "Sorry."

He immediately put the flowers in the empty vase that lain on the table next to my head and sat, telling me all about the new release from Marsh Sarah Glenn, Song of the Dead. We had read Reign of the Fallen together but hearing him go on about the story felt so normal. When he was done with tale-telling, he told me about school and his admission into Brown University.

The swiftness used looking up at him was abnormal and so was the jealousy that coursed through my veins. It hurt I wasn't going this year and would need to reapply. I studied hard in order to find my place in Brown University. That stupid car accident had to take that away from me. It took me, my best friend and my scholarship with it this year.

I sank down to my knees, the darkness taking over me as it did when I was unconscious. When in coma, time had stopped in my new home. I preferred it there than here because here hurt. It burned me and couldn't help the tears that streamed down.

I knew it was never going to be the same because it never was, especially with Martha gone and the lost months.