Mead and Mind

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"Felicia, dinner," was the call for dinner. Besides spending time with my mother for lunch and chatting, I had holed myself up in my room.

"On my way," I responded with a yell of my own. I paused to stare at the face of one I shan't see ever except on the screen, unable to answer my current questions and hold me whenever I was out of my zone. I hesitated shutting the laptop but I eventually did.

I pulled the door open, strolled through the darkend hallway. What I saw made me jolt back in surprise.

"Am I dreaming?" I inquired, slowly walking to embrace the happy faces that have apparently taken over our dining room area. Edna was the first to rush to receive my hugs but was noticeably careful, probably prior warnings from my mum. I felt relieved in hours to be with them but my mind shouted at me. I was beginning to wish I hadn't. Manuel shoved his sister away, receiving his portion of the hug.

"You've grown taller...and a moustache."

He laughed but didn't respond to the comment. I found my aunts Carolyn, Jessie, Alicia and my uncles Zander and Norman.

"Who's ready?" my mother announced, holding the casserole dish. Excitement seemed to buzz around the room but in all, I wasn't comfortable enough to participate in it. My head spun but I got a hold of myself, sitting opposite my mum's supposed seat. I waited and was assisted in dishing my food. I requested for little lasagna.

In response for my lack of appetite, my mum said, "She might be trying to take her time. Lunch was same."

"We're so glad you're up," Uncle Norman said, a genuine smile to back up his comment.

"Let's make a toast," my mum requested, raising her cup of orange juice in the air. Everyone hurriedly poured in orange juice into their cups and did same. I raised mine and wince at the pains that surges beneath my ribcage. Stares came my way and I lowered my cup.

"To Felicia!" Manuel said and the whole table responded in the same chant.

"We're so glad to have you here with us," Edna commented, trying hard to hold the smile she had planted on her face.

"Me too."

"It was months of hoping," she said.

"It was months of being trapped in a timeless darkness," I responded in a whisper. Manuel's head spun my way. When I looked up at him, his eyes held nothing but pity amidst the joy. He proceeded to give my hand a reassuring squeeze.

My heart seemed to sink at the action and my consciousness had started moving haywire singing songs of "I told you. Would you listen? No!"

I exhaled, struggling to keep myself alert and escape the inescapable pains that shot through my arms. My legs seemed to cramp harder and my throat constricted and hot. I gulped down my orange juice but it didn't seem to help.

"Could I have a glass of water?" I hurriedly requested but no one in the room seemed to notice the awkwardness floating around me. Maybe it was only me. I thanked Edna the moment the cup had reached me and wasted no time in drinking that away.

"...gave me hope was when her eyelids seemed to twitch. I laughed and called the nurse. She gave me a— Felly, are you alright?"

I tried nodding but instead, a gasp and moan seemed to leave my mouth. Acid came up my windpipe, burning as hot lava. I rushed out of my seat not caring about the calls. I thought I heard Manuel say he would "check up on her."

I pushed the door to the bathroom open, knelt in front of the toilet and threw up. Someone seemed to hold my hair up and twist it into a bun.

"Call the hospital," Manuel who stood above me cried. "Quickly!"

My body weakened and I fell back but Manuel caught me, shaking me awake but in my view, his image doubled.

"What's going on?" Uncle Zander, Aunt Carolyn and my mum seemed to say at the same time, and in response my head hurt. My limbs ached hard and I couldn't help give a groan in response.

"Felly... she's vomiting blood."

"Blood?" My mum inquired, kneeling next to me. "No," she said. "Has Norman called?"

"He has," Aunt Jessie said.

"Hang in there Felly."

"She overdosed these," I heard Edna say, her voice dropped low. Though my head felt heavy, I managed to turn my head in her direction and squint at the empty pill bottle.

"Why?" my mum's voice came grave.

"I did it because it is more than over for me. I did because it hurt too much. Reality is been hurting."

I'm not sure she heard any of it but plead for Manuel to splash water on my face. It seemed to improve my sight momentarily.

"It'll be alright," she said, pulling me closer, before tearing up. I shut my eyes, thinking of why I had done it.

"I did it because it is more than over for me. I did because it hurt too much. Reality is been hurting."

That was what came to mind and I hated myself.

"Medics are here," someone announced after a long silence and I made a cry of my own. The pains had grown, spreading like wildfire around my body.

"She's in here," I heard Edna's small voice say.

Manuel leaned it and gave me a kiss on my forehead, asking my mum to surrender me to the hands of the medical personnel. Effortlessly, I was lifted but I wasn't sure I could hold on to the shaky world. It was black, then came back into focus, wavered a while before falling back black. It went that way, amidst the reds and cries until I couldn't do it anymore.

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The white ceiling and lights blinded me, sending waves of aches into my head. I groaned, shielding my eyes from it.

"How are you feeling?" a not-so familiar voice asked me.

"Okay, I guess."

"Any pains or aches?"

"Except my head right now. That's because of the light anyway."

"Where's my mum?" I turned towards the figure: a slim man, wavy brown hair and brown eyes that felt like he could see into my soul.

"She's in the hallway but I need to speak with you. I am Doctor Marlin."

"Okay. Nice meeting you Doctor Marlin."

"The pleasure is same Felicia. I know I've spoken to your mother about this. I've looked through your file and asked your family of likely triggers to your overdose. Heard you lost your friend, Martha and didn't get into school this year."

"You've rightly heard so."

"I apologise and I'm sorry for the loss."

"Does it matter? Martha is never coming back."

"No, she isn't. It is not the best timing for all these things to get into your head and reality had breezed in harsh. I've made the suggestion of including you in a group therapy."

"Why?"

"You need the extra support and people who are going through the same thing to remind you nothing is lost. It isn't."

"It is. I feel like I wasted my time. My life is wasted. Why does it feel so empty?"

"It is bound to feel so," he whispered. "I've been there before but I took that step. I had to think of everything I wanted. Everyone I loved. I did it because I wanted to be okay again. You can too. You ready?"

I nodded and gave him a smile. "Thank you," I told him as he got up to leave.

"I think you have a chance at it. Don't give up."

That was how he left me, sitting till my mum came in. Edna and Manuel did after a while. I cried, apologising for wrecking dinner but they waved it off, acknowledging they knew I must be taking it hard and how they believe the group therapy was the best way to go.

"I think you have a chance at it. Don't give up," it rang in my head and I knew I wanted to walk this road of recovery.