28 did you feel it too?

Hyun

The night had been rough, but that was to be expected. It felt as if the thought of Chan was a demon haunting every corner of my mind. Sleep would tease me until my eyes started to lull shut under its weight, but then his face would pop into my mind again.

Just like that, I was wide awake.

I considered many options as I lay awake listening to the hands on the little clock to my left tick melodically. Perhaps I was overreacting. Friendships are often turbulent at times, but I wasn't used to that when it came to Chanwoo. We'd always gotten along in a way that felt as natural as breathing. We were peanut butter and jelly as soon as we'd met. His energy and outgoing aura complimented my poise and overbearing habit of overthinking. We offered each other qualities that the other didn't quite have.

Yet, the memory of his lips on mine was so fresh that it stung. It was like adding salt to a would; raw and blistering in waves of pain that sent a cold sweat down my spine. The worst part was that I knew I should feel a type of way whether it be angry, upset, or something in between.

It felt selfish and a bit sick. Even though I hadn't been the one to make the move, I can't shake the way I felt while he was so close. The more my mind relives it, the more my thoughts start to wander.

As fucked up as it might be, I'm craving more.

Even though I saw how scared he was after I pushed him away, like a puppy being punished by its owner, the little voice in the back of my mind urged me to pull him back.

For the first time, I was connected to him in a way that felt as if we were truly a single being. After years of secretly pining after him and coming to the conclusion that it was time to move on, I had been handed everything I could ever want.

On a silver platter, he threw himself at me without warning. 

Now that I think about it, it wouldn't have mattered what he could have said to me before or after the event. There truly isn't a way someone could prepare me for my straight best friend kissing me.

At this moment, I don't really care why he did it. Being forced to face the madness of my mind day and night made me feel like an alcoholic obligated to stay sober. I was drowning in the what if's so deeply that I'd started to choke. However, the hours trapped in this fit of agony made me realize that all I really wanted- all I really needed, is for him to not blame himself.

I wanted to hold his head in my hands and feel his soft raven hair tickle my palms as I assured him that I don't resent him for his actions. Whatever it is that drove him to do what he did was something he needed to work out inside of himself, but he couldn't possibly begin to understand the situation unless he dropped the guilt.

However, the thought of calling him and knowing there wouldn't be an answer made my throat impossibly tight. My biggest fear was that I had lost him for good. It was too often that I'd thought about him walking away from me. Now that it had happened, I could only count my stars and pray that I'd be lucky enough to see him again.

Peeling myself out of bed and practically forcing myself in the shower felt like hell, but the scorching water on my skin made me feel a little less like a zombie. I thanked the warm caress as each splash hit and spilled down my body in dozens of tiny streams.

Freshly washed, breakfast could wait. I hadn't had an appetite in the past couple of days, but I promised myself that I'd eat something later.

The thought of telling myself that I'd keep another promise I made to myself made me scoff as I lowered down onto the couch. As I roughly towel-dried my hair, I let my eyes fall shut for a moment. Trying to focus on anything and everything other than what my mind wanted to think about was exhausting.

If I didn't at least try to get some rest at some point, surely I'd faint from insanity or mental overexertion at some point right?

A knock at the door tore me from my head as if someone has slapped me across the face. I scrambled to stand up, looking around my living room haphazardly and in a state of panic like I had something to hide.

Mentally telling myself to chill the hell out, I made my way to the front door. It's probably a package being delivered or something of the sort, no need to get all worked up.

However, as I peered through the peep-hole, an all-too-familiar pair of umber eyes partially covered by a wavy mess of ebony bangs sent my heart free-falling through my body and on the floor at my feet.

What the hell is he doing here so suddenly?

Knowing that I didn't have time to stand there any longer like a complete idiot while Chanwoo had most likely already heard me stumble to the door seconds ago forced me to grab the cool knob and turn the lock.

Pulling the heavy door open, I wasn't sure where to look. If I stare at the floor, he'll think I'm angry at him. Yet, if I look at him in the eyes, I think I might lose consciousness.

However, the husky voice I adored so deeply saved me from having to decide where to look any longer,

"Hey, sorry I came by without hearing back from you first." I forced my eyes to meet his but immediately wished I hadn't when I noticed the dark circles seeping through just underneath them.

"H-hearing back from me?" I cursed myself internally as my voice came out so pathetically that it sounded more like a stuttered whisper.

Chan blinked at me slowly, hands fidgeting in the pockets of his black jeans as he took a deep breath before answering, "I called and texted you about half an hour ago but you didn't answer. You're always up by now and I got worried so I decided to swing by.." He seemed to lose the small amount of confidence he seemed to have seconds ago with each word he spoke.

He seemed to be both holding himself back and forcing the words from his throat all at the same time. He was hiding behind a wall of sorts, but was still making an effort that I appreciated greatly.

It seemed as if he was suffering just as much as I was. In a sick and twisted way, it comforted me a bit.

"Shit," I started, turning and quickly scuttling to my bedroom where my phone was buried under the covers. Sure enough, the black screen was unresponsive as I pushed the power button. Lost in whatever mess my emotions made, I'd forgotten to charge it.

I quickly headed back to the living room, surprised to see it empty. Chanwoo stood outside the threshold of my home, just remaining there like a statue. I'd been so used to him simply being around me that I'd expected him to come in after I walked away like he normally would.

Yet, that was before, and this was now- something I hoped I wouldn't have to keep reminding myself.

"My phone died, sorry." His eyes left the ground and met mine causing my breath to hitch in my throat, "Would you like to come in?"

His right hand left the safe confines of his Jean pocket and swept his bangs back from his forehead, large palm giving way to his features and altering the sharp edges of his face for just a moment before the hair fell back down again.

"Yeah, that would be great." He muttered, shoving his sizable hand in his pocket once more. It was a nervous habit that I'd picked up on many years ago, and knowing that he was uncomfortable at the moment tugged at my heart.

I moved aside and beckoned him to enter, forcing myself not to focus on the soft scent of his clothes as his towering frame moved past me and to the couch in the living room just across the hall.

After closing the door behind him, I followed his path but settled on sitting on the loveseat across from the couch. I didn't want to make this anymore painful, so I figured that the more distance I could put between us, the better and easier it would be for both of us.

Chanwoo eyed the seat across from him, looking slightly disappointed and a bit angry. At me, himself, or the situation at hand I couldn't be sure.

We sat in silence for a few more minutes, both afraid to say the first word but knowing that this conversation had to start somewhere. I mustered the strength to lift my gaze from where it had been studying the hem of my sweatpants to find Chanwoo's glazed eyes already looking at me.

"Listen, Hyun" his sultry voice resonated through the quiet room, "I don't really know where to start. I don't know what you want me to say or what you want to hear, but you deserve answers." He swallowed hard before continuing, eyes unwavering in the way that I wasn't sure I'd ever get to see again, "My behavior on Friday night is inexcusable. I let jealousy get the best of me and I acted like a child. I shouldn't have gotten in the way of your date and I'm truly sorry if I ruined things between you and Minjun."

I didn't quite know how to answer him without stirring the pot. I was extremely thankful that he apologized for his actions, but I already knew he meant no harm. I didn't want to hear him beg me for atonement for his sins. This wasn't a matter of erong or right, it was much more than that. What I needed to know was why.

"I'm not upset with you, Chanwoo," I started, my voice quivering slightly but thankfully leveling out as I took a deep breath before continuing, "Why would you possibly be jealous?" I needed to know why he would feel that Minjun was a threat. He wasn't going to come and take his place as my best friend, so what was there to fear?

"I.." Chanwoo's gaze left mine once again as his head fell into his hands, "I've been feeling this..this urge." His fist tightened in his hair as he continued in anguish, "Ever since I woke up. It's like..something has changed. It's completely different than before." He lifted his head again but this time, he stood up from the couch and began to make his way over to me slowly.

I could hear his unsteady breath over the pounding of my heart as he got closer. I couldn't get myself to maintain his eye contact. With every step he took toward me, his aura got stronger. He was on fire, simply festering in front of me and I didn't know if it was a good or bad thing.

Reaching me, he knelt down, placing his elbows on his muscular thighs as his eyes searched my face for any kind of response, unspoken or physical.

"The way I see you is completely different." My eyes snapped up to his at his words. My cheeks grew hot as I tried to comprehend what he was telling me. Is this some kind of prank?

The sound of birds and morning traffic outside seemed to dissipate as my whole world sat right in front of me.

"Wh-What do you mean? What's wrong, d-did I do something?" I began to panic, my mind racing as he shook his head, brows furrowed in confusion.

"No, no of course it's nothing you did, Hyun." Chanwoo sighed, his warm breath hot on my hands as he suddenly reached out to grab them. He seemed just as shocked as I by the action, but we were in too deep to stop now. "I don't know why I feel this way, or if I have all along but didn't notice it 'till now. My br- some people say that you don't realize how you truly feel about someone or something until it's no longer yours." The slight shaking of my hands forced me to ignore how he seemed to change his mind mid sentence.

His warm palms encompassing mine squeezed before he finished his thoughts, "I remember hearing you at random times- like it was a dream, but I don't think it was. You stayed with me and made me feel safe when nobody else was there to do so. You pushed me to live again when I wasn't strong enough on my own. Being certain that I wouldn't return made me realize how much I want to be here- how much I want to be here with you."

My tongue felt like it had swelled up in my mouth, preventing the flabbergasted mess of words from regurgitating from my tightening throat.

"Chan.." our eyes searched each others, perhaps in an attempt to find words unspoken but mutually understood, "W-why did you kiss me.." my face was excruciatingly hot due to the words that left my mouth. I didn't want to have to bring it up directly, but I knew I wouldn't be able to get past this unless we both acknowledged exactly why it happened.

"Seeing him on you like that made me feel sick. As selfish and fucked up as it is, I wanted to see how it would feel. I wanted to see if what I was experiencing was a newfound affection for you or just some odd type of curiosity." Chanwoo's hands left mine as he scooted a bit closer so that his forearms could rest on my thighs instead of his own, his head now less than a foot away.

My heartbeat sped up impossibly quicker, and at this rate I was sure I'd either faint, suffer from cardiac arrest, or both.

"S-so...did you feel anything?" I blinked a few times in quick succession, my hand absentmindedly fidgeting with my ear as it positively flamed with embarrassment. I couldn't believe I was asking him that, but if the whole point of him kissing me was to see if he liked it or not, I think I deserved to know the answer.

"Yeah," Chan's voice rumbled out quietly and impossibly deep as his eyes lowered to my lips, "it felt really fucking great."

"Oh," I gulped, my Addams's apple bobbing in my throat. I hadn't expected such a straightforward answer, but it shouldn't have surprised me as Chan was never one for beating around the bush. Part of me was relieved that his natural mannerisms were starting to show again, overthrowing the foreign fear and distress that had been there far too much the past couple of days. Chanwoo's orbs failed to leave my lips as he seemed to be thinking about something. My jittering body couldn't bear to accept the fact that he was most likely reminiscing about the feel of our intertwined lips.

I forced myself to try and speak my mind again, afraid that if I didn't I wouldn't be able to say anything else for the remainder of the conversation, "Is..is that a good thing?"

His honey eyes left my mouth at last, sharp and burning with unspoken words. The thick black lashes surrounding them contrasted with the sweet color, tugging at me and causing me to unintentionally lean forward just the slightest.

Chan took a deep breath, seeming to consider his response carefully before proposing, "Only if you felt it too."

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