56 [Weapon Selection] [4] Inder's thoughts.

"It's cold in here."

I mumbled to myself as I sat on the ground with my back against the wall, my eyes closed as I rested my head against the wall.

'El?'

I thought as I called him in my mind.

[...]

'Sorry for ignoring your words.'

During my fight with Tristan, he kept trying to stop me before I did something that I would regret, bu—

[....You call that a fight? It didn't take you a minute to bring him to his knees.]

'Yeah, whatever you call that.'

[.....Are you... Azariah?]

Instead of replying, I opened my eyes as I willed my status screen to come forth.

===========================

Name: Azariah Noah Aljanah [25], Inder Sephtis [75]

===========================

'I...I don't know.'

I replied as I closed my eyes again.

'I don't know who I am.'

Maybe I am Inder, or maybe I am Azariah, or because of this status screen, my brain is confusing me with different personalities.

I could be the same person or I could be entirely different.

'For now, think of me as Inder with Azariah's memories.'

[.....What happened back then? Why did you get triggered?]

'I felt anger, Azariah's anger when that guy started to insult and trash talk about them.'

[Azariah's anger?]

'Yeah.'

[....What do you mean?]

'I don't have many of... My own memories...

My own emotions are gone... I am blank.'

Right now, I don't feel any anger, hatred, love, sadness, joy, ... I don't feel anything.

It's as if my emotions have numbed down.

Inside me, all that's left is emptiness....

'You know, El, what's the worst part? I can't feel my own emotions, but I can feel Azariah's emotions clearly.'

[....Is that why you tried to kill that kid?]

'Yeah, and I'm glad they stopped me, things would have messed up for me if he died.'

If Tristan had died because of me, I would have been kicked out of the academy, leaving me with only one place to stay... Beside Esmeray.

'I'm glad he didn't die.'

Massaging my temples, I thought again...

Living beside her is worse than living in hell, and the moment she finds something amiss in me, she won't hesitate to kill me.

[You are afraid of her as well?]

'You don't understand how dangerous she is, El...

...She is like a puppeteer, controlling everything and everyone from behind.'

And like everyone else, I am also one of her puppets.

A special puppet, which Esmeray took extra care of just to make sure he remained the same for the rest of his life, living like...

Her puppet.

[You don't plan to run away?]

'Again, you are underestimating her...

...There is no place in this world where Esmeray can't find me.'

Her organization [ECTO] members have spread around the world, working like her eyes and ears.

And they all are extremely loyal to her, to the point of dying without any hesitation if needed.

And if she wants, she can find anyone in this world without much problem.

'Sigh... Of all the beings in this world, I had to be her son.'

With a tired sigh, I raised my hand as I gently pressed on the small cut on my throat because of Shyamal's scythe.

[....Do you hate Azariah?....Do you hate yourself?]

'...How can I possibly hate a mentally broken and physically tortured kid who just wants to keep his loved ones safe.'

I replied, opening my eyes as I touched my engagement ring with my finger, while my gaze rested on Shyamal and Arianell.

'.....He is just a broken kid, manipulated to sacrifice his life so they can keep smiling.'

[.....Do you hate them? Those who are living happily while you is carrying all the burden.]

===========================

Name: Azariah Noah Aljanah [50], Inder Sephtis [50]

===========================

'..... Azari—I did too many things to make them hate me; you can't blame them for everything.'

Do I feel anger towards them for leaving me?

Yes, I do.

I mean, I stood by their side during their bad times when they were at their lowest, ignoring my own problems.

But... in the end, they did leave me alone when I needed them the most.

'At least she tried to help me as much as she could.'

As my gaze rested on Arianell, I thought to myself.

Had it not been me who wanted her to leave me alone,

Had her situation been a little better...

She might still not have given up on me...

Just like Christina.

[....What about the Vessel?]

'Shyamal? .....I just hate her.'

[Why?]

'...'

[...So do you hate the situation that you are in? The life you are living right now... Just a suppressed being inside Azariah.]

'No, if anything, I am fine with it.'

[Why?]

'Unlike Azariah, I don't have any reason to live. I might kill myself, making his efforts worthless.'

[..... Because of your mother?]

'.... Yeah, I even sympathize with Azariah. Having an emotionless monster as your mother is just...'

[....Was your mother like Esme—.]

'No.' Shaking my head softly, I replied, 'In fact, my situation is quite opposite to his.'

From the broken and little memories of Inder's childhood that I have, I know....

I had a loving family....

And a loving and responsible father who helped and taught me a lot of things.....

Even though he wasn't the best, he did try his best to give me everything....

A doting mother who tried to fulfill my every wish...

I even have a memory of me asking her to make my favorite food, and she complied with a smile.

'You know, El, even though I forgot their faces, I still remember how much they loved and cared for me.'

[...]

'And... I killed them with my own hands.'

Even though I don't have much memory of that day....

I still remember the cold body of my father lying in a pool of blood....

I still remember my mother cursing me on her last breath...

I still remember her dying in my arms....

'I sympathize with Azariah because once I was also afraid of losing someone I loved....

....There was a time when even I was ready to die for my loved ones.'

[You are as mentally unstable as Azariah.]

'Yeah... I know. I have lost too many loved ones to remain a sane person.'

Even though I don't remember....

I still have that feeling....

The feeling that my life wasn't much different from Azariah's....

'You know, El, I don't want anything....

I just don't want my heart to be broken again...

....I don't want to suffer from that feeling again.'

And the way Azariah is behaving right now I am sure he will get his heart broken.....

.....By making others hate him...he is only increasing his own burden...

...And in the end he will fall because of his own beliefs.

He will break down again....

'...I just hope she can knock some sense in Azariah.' I thought as I touched my engagement ring.

[.... Is there something else that you want?]

'..... I also want to see her one last time, my fiancée from my last life.'

I thought, looking at the engagement ring that I wore.

I don't remember anything about her; all I remember was the mesmerizing crimson eyes of hers.

'.... I just want to ask why she betrayed me.'

[... Betrayed?]

'.... I don't remember what happened, but I think she did betray me.'

[... And you want to see her even after that?]

'...I want to understand her side.'

[.... Would you still love her?]

'.... Until the end of my life.'

[.....]

'Do you think I will see her?'

[Maybe...]

'I don't have much to live... six months at worst or nine years at best.'

[...]

'Do you think this much time is enough?'

[.... Maybe.]

Sigh....

With a heavy sigh, I closed my eyes as I leaned on the wall.

'I wish I can see her one day.'

I thought to myself as my consciousness started to drift away....

[You will.]

'You sound quite confident, El.'

I replied with a smile before my consciousness started to drifted away.

[Are you going?]

'I am a mess right now, El...

I also don't want to live with numb emotions...

I might kill someone close to Azariah....

....And for now, let's let him face his own issues.'

[.... Fine.]

'El.'

[Yeah?]

'Take care of 'me'.'

[I will.]