1 Drained

How long i can keep this up?

Anna thought as she entered her apartment. That throbbing pain on her back is getting worse. She would probably be sleeping on her side again if she wanted to get some sleep tonight. An appointment to the doctor should be on her to do list. Clearly, she needed to get herself checked. However there was just too much work that she has been putting it off.

She opened the lights, instantly lighting the dark room. It is already 11 pm. Her Office work should have already ended at 5 pm. But then again, she had to stay behind to prove her worth in her company.

Touching her head, she felt as if her would split apart. This headache is killing her. She better get some pain pills and eat something, otherwise her stomach could get upset.

15 years.

She had worked 15 years in her company. and yet she remained on the same entry level position. She does not usually mind it, but today has been different.

 Trying to open her fridge, she grimace as the rubber magnet of the door resisted getting opened. She felt the agonizing pain on her shoulder as well, which is why she needed to use both of her hands to get it to finally get it open.

Inside it, she wasn't surprise to see nothing in there. At least nothing she could readily eat. The potatoes on the vegetable drawer were already sprouting, and the tomatoes were starting to rot.

She bent over and look at her fruits, she knew she bought some about a few weeks ago. Her searching eyes landed on some shriveled apples, the green seedless grapes beside it were already turning black. She signed, and grab some yogurt from the door pocket before closing it. Only when she straighten up and tried to peel off the cover of the small cup did she read the expiration date. It is already way past it.

Not again. These days she felt like she is only buying grocery just to eventually throw it in the garbage bin.

Looking at the printed date, she was surprise when she notice a drop of tear landed on the tin foil top. She quickly touch her face, only realizing that she was crying silently. She quickly wiped her face.

What was it? is it because she is hungry? Its true she hasn't ate anything since breakfast, but its not that.

No. It's not that.

She peeled off the cover and got some spoon on the drawer, rest her back on the kitchen counter and ate her yogurt in silence. Soon the tears just keep falling. The stress of the day caught up with her and she felt how tired she is as the sourness left a bittersweet taste in her mouth.

They made her stay late again, working on some projects way above her pay grade. She couldn't refuse because.. Well, where will she go? for an undergraduate like her, securing a permanent job in such a big company is already considered next to impossible.

She should not be feeling this way, but she just can't help feeling the worst. Throughout the years, everyone have gotten promoted except her. She has been on the same position as she was when she started working for the company. In fact, she is now working under the very same trainee that was just hired 2 years ago.

The funny thing about all of this is that no matter how bad she feels right now, she probably would get up in the morning and do it again anyway.

Her love-hate relationship with her job is nothing new, over the years she has accepted that she is stuck in a never ending loop she just couldn't escape.

She finish her cup of yogurt then grab another one, ripped out the opening then started swallowing in big bites.

At the back of her mind she knew the reason she is feeling more sensitive tonight.

She tried not to be affected by it, but today is the 1st birthday of Evan's baby. Everyone was invited, including her. She however, did not dared to come. Despite the fact that they have parted as friends, she couldn't help but remember the dreams they use to share. They use to plan to buy a modest house, To get married and have a child or two.

She remembered daydreaming about what their kids would look like, she was so excited to build that life with him that she started building her life around him.

All of that was thrown in the window when he got transferred to a higher position in a different department and married the daughter of his boss in there.

Whether that's because of his latent ambition to climb the corporate ladder or a genuine feeling for his bride, she did not know. All she remembers is that feeling of helplessness when he broke up with her and she wanted to run. To forget everything and start over. But she couldn't. She swallowed her pride, pretend she is doing fine, and congratulated him on his wedding.

She never knew seeing the man she use to love fulfill his promises to her to someone else would hurt so bad. It is eating her piece by piece, as if a part her soul dies each time she would see their happiness.

How long can i keep this up?

Fresh tears blurred her eyes, and she tried to hold it back this time. If she let go and cry, and just let it all out, she will be left with another pounding headache tomorrow. With the deadline coming up and the added work, she couldn't afford that luxury.

She tried to even out her breathing and calm herself down, fighting with her life not to lose control.

She took another deep breath, and felt her body slowly calming down. Clearing her mind, she continue to take deep breaths until out of nowhere, she remember how his kid's giggled happily in his arms. She lost it.

She started crying, sobbing. Torrents of tears keep falling on her face nonstop. Even in her misery, she tried to keep it quiet, but she couldn't. A lump on her throat started to form. She tried not to make a sound by stuffing more and more food in her mouth.

Why?

Why, didn't you choose me?

This year she is turning 34. Unmarried, Unpromoted and stuck. The silence of the night, and that sinking feeling that her life is going nowhere makes her feel so sorry for herself.

Before she knew it, she finished 5 cups of yogurt. That was when she decided to go to bed. As she laid scrolling on her phone the first thing she saw on the social media was the picture of Evan and his son.

Instantly, she close her social media account and then decided to catch up on her Webtoons. Still, the beautiful baby boy's face remain etched in her mind.

She remember that unmistakable feeling of jealousy before getting replace by feeling heavy.

Her chest started hurting, tightening, that unmistakable feeling of everything blacking out before her air got cut off.

Finally she loses her ability to hear or feel anything, and all that remain is the dark stillness of the night.