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I took some pills.

Not that I was forced to, Neither I wanted to. And No , it was not fun to do so, The pills tasted vulgar in my throat. Bitter and awkward.

I don't know how to describe this situation with myself.

My body doesn't move on my accord, the things doesn't excites me anymore, the noise inside was louder everyday.

If only I can start from the beginning I would do everything to become a worthy person.

If only I knew better when I was younger.

If only I was smarter.

If only I was not born in this family.

I can go on with the wishful thoughts.

But what's the point? They were just fake consolations, the words that hid my truth perfectly in its spaces.

My worthless was evident in the way my room looked. It was messy, compared to my cousin next door, my room was  covered in dirt and scattered stuffs that I failed to arrange.

I just couldn't.

I am unable to make one plus one two now.

My hand shakes and my body gives up before my mind can even command. The coordination is all messed up. The wire is all loose inside.

I wonder if that's why I feel empty sometimes and anxious most of the time.

Because my mind is messed up?

I blame it on no one but me.

It's all my fault. I can't even cry because there is no self-empathy, self-respect or selfness left in my soul.

I can pass as a saint if I get to roam around freely but this they would never let me. This body is unpleasant because it is chained to this place.

So after giving some thought I took those pills.

It's not like somebody's gonna look for me.

So I took some more pills and decided to at least arrange my room one last time.

I tried but it's such a hard level for me. so instead I dressed my beloved Deity Idol whom I used to talk about my existential crisis who for a second, seemed unhappy.

I rubbed my eyes and double checked but the smile on his shiney face appeared twisted in frown. My visions were blurry a little.

I placed it back on the Altar.

I was half-way to write my will, and I collapsed on the cold hard floor. I can see all the stuff I lost and thought was stolen underneath my bed.

I shouldn't have accused my idiot cousin.

My breath came out ragged and heart beats in my ears.

I was about to remember those good old memories before falling asleep but regretted as I inhaled a puff of dirt and instantly regretted not wiping my floor in days.

I wonder why I never threw away that cage that I loathed so much. It was still sitting under my bed.

So annoying

I knew I was shutting down. I can feel it. I brainwashed myself that I was ready to go. Never in years I wanted to wake up. So why?

I choked on my tears.

I felt my heart sank of heavy regret in my chest. I kept seeing the image of my perfect life where I was happy and smiling with my loved ones .

Why only now I remember my forgotten dreams?

I remembered my dreams to travel and gain knowledge as much as I want. Eat diverse food and meet different people.

This was my dream all along, I remember them. It was pure and harmless dream to live freely.

And here I was lying on the floor, dying.

Familiar faces started flooding in my head, the memories of us laughing and looking after each other. My brother is still an idiot to make decisions, He needed to be told that to refrain from speaking too much of his mind. I need to warn him about bad people too, he is too naive. And Sister, she is an idiot too, I need to help her with money, I need to give my everything to her before I go. I have to tell her to look after my nephew. And I haven't even told him that I love him.

This is too cruel. But I deserved it all, my heart knows it.

I really desperately wanted to see everyone, my far away siblings and uncles and aunts and my ex boyfriend and my nephew the most. I haven't even held him once in two years. No I can die right now, I need to see their faces. Tell them I am going. And tell them it's not their fault. I can't die right now. I felt something inside my body was jerking to get up and keep myself awake. It was me. It was a strange sensation that I can feel each cell of my body repelling the medication.

My vision started to darkendarken but the struggle was still going on.

It was painfull. Because I was already falling down into something as if the floor was swallowing me.

If somebody reached out for me I would desperately linger to their hand and never let go until I feel the earth beneath my feet. I wanted to at this point, I was willing to rewrite my story. I felt desperate to not to disappear.

I am still so greedy.

I stretched my eyes out as if repelling the vacuume of slumber. God, it's really annoying.

I reached out to something, it was a broom.

My face went blank like 😑.

It's like universe is nagging me to clean up. I would rather die.

So annoying.

I pushed it away and moved my flail my hand until it bumped into something, I was looking for something that can connect me to my sister, that rectangular thing that shines and rings annoyingly . The drug is making me forgetful. Thoughts popped in and out repeatedly not giving me chance to make a meaning out of it.

I hoped for something I forgot I was looking for.

I found  it a rectangluar thing . I let out a sigh of relief.

It's called "Midnight Romance", I pressed it against my burning chest. Now I am saved.

What was I actually looking for again?