Hard Pills

"I wore your favourite."

I could see that and I couldn't deny it made me feel attracted to her even more with the colour staining her appearance.

Aina had stolen my attention and time away from Niaina and Vaovason the moment Bernador left the premises. I had much to talk to the two about but she'd confidently dismissed the two ministers. How troublesome.

She stresses, reaching to the back of her packed up brown hair and takes off the purple hairclip letting her hair fall at its length. It'd grown longer from the short bob it was a month ago when I first met her at the funeral. I find my young body reacting enthusiastically to the new look. Over a century and my tastes hadn't changed.

"You look good," I understated.

"You look like you don't want to see me."

I barely keep myself from wincing at her accusations. "I don't have any reason to feel that way, Aina. Don't you think you're reading too much into things?"

She shook her head, letting the hair fall equally onto both sides of her shoulders, "No, I don't think so. I'm old enough to know when I'm being avoided not to mention I'm a reporter."

"And I'm the Head of State of a nation in a deep economic crisis. I've got priorities."

"You seemed very enthusiastic about me the last time we saw, danced." She bit her lip, staring me in the eye as she spoke, "All live on National Television to boot."

I let my head fall to the side as I give her a questioning look, "Is there a problem with that, Aina. That night was great, I thought you liked the time we spent."

She whips her head to me, her glare fierce, "I had expectations, Hasina."

At the single sentence, my eyes widen and my mouth hangs open to ask more questions of what exactly she meant by that but she continued.

"You put me up on such a stage and in doing so you basically interrupting my entire personal life. Immediately after the event ended, there was much fiasco about 'The youthful leader and his queen' or 'the gold-digger and her riches prey yet' and even worse! 'The President's actual mother'"

My eyes widened at this, "I had no knowledge of articles like this and I read the newspapers."

She merely rolls her eyes at me, "Of course not, these sort of articles are damaging to your image, either Matthias of Luciano saw this coming and had it all subtly taken care of. On the other hand, I'm in the business, I know when rumours are born, who birthed them and how it'd come to an end. I also knew a warning when I saw one, I got the only copies of those newspapers placed on my kitchen counter."

"No one in the country knows about these articles, and that even worsened my situation once you were inaugurated. I thought you'd have come to apologize or something or if you were truly unaware of the articles, you have continued communicating with me like normal but no. No, you disappeared and it seemed you were done with me, until yesterday at least."

She looked up at my speechless form and asked me one more question, "Tell me, Hasina, do you really only want me around just for business? Was that last night a result of alcohol and hormones? Bad decisions?"

As she vented out all her frustrations I found myself feeling truly relieved even as she stared at me with a pained and frustrated look. I'd thought that she'd stumbled upon something far more damaging to me and was confronting me about it. My innate loneliness.

Quite unconsciously and even consciously after Luciano's scolding I'd been receding more and more, away from people, new people in particular and she fell deep in that category.

The things that hid beneath the surface of my mind, plaguing me and directing my actions had been dragged out the moment I executed the Chiefs. I couldn't hide any longer from my fears. On the very likely chance that I'd be reborn after my next death, I couldn't stand to build a stable, happy, vital relationship with people I most likely wouldn't meet again in the next life or would fail to achieve the same connection with as in the previous.

After Jesse and the kids, and their kids. I couldn't stand to keep trying anymore. I couldn't bother pretending I wasn't truly the only person in my own world. I'd only end up hurting and burdening myself with the memory of what had been and what could have been.

I hated Being X for this torture. But I wouldn't let it get the satisfaction of putting me down on my knees.

"Yes, it's just business."

***

At the tortured look she made, I knew I'd deeply hurt her. But that was the only option I was left with. Perhaps it was selfish on my part but I couldn't have any more lingering memories of a good time lost in the cast of a die.

As much as I wanted it, I just couldn't afford it any longer.

She'd left the house as soon as she'd come to terms with my words long enough to put on a façade. Afterwards, I'd called Niaina and Vaovason to discuss a bit further on the trade deal. I gave them instructions on what facts about Namibia to reinforce as they tried to get a better deal for the nation. They'd be doing it all with full autonomy now as I'd be going back to Schelar to settle some more business. Although whatever deal they saw fit to approve here in Namibia as the negotiations took place, it would still land on my desk for final approvals, I couldn't risk incompetence of any sort.

At the moment I was en route back to Schelar, this time alone. Aina not anywhere in sight. She too had to stay back and finish up the negotiations. Besides the constant hum of the engines and the occasional shuffling from the crew. The plane was deathly quiet. The dark clouds I observed from my window only furthered the feeling of nothing but silence.

As much as my mind, my thoughts and even my dreams screamed out to fill the silence, it was only ever a nuisance and never a solution. I could find comfort in myself in all but this moment for whatever reason it scared and angered me that my usual comedic, sporadic and energetic thoughts could no longer provide me solace as they weren't there at all. It scared me even more as I popped a pill, that I would wake still feeling as empty as white noise.