Return To The Beginning

This isn't happening.

I don't want to do this.

There is a terrible feeling when you bite into human flesh for the first time. It has a terrible taste, absolutely disgusting. You imagine yourself in the other person's shoes, especially if they are still alive. I wish it wasn't her. You wonder what it is like to be them right now. To be suffering. To know pain. My muscles are not my own. The Gray has me tight. My brain no longer listens to my commands. But it still reports back to me every sin I commit. Every scream she releases as the Gray uses my body to hold her down and tear her apart strip by strip.

I am so sorry.

*Crunch*

Disgusting.

Why…why must it be like this?

I don't want to die.

I try to force myself to end it even though I am not in control. But then there is a voice inside my head. One which sounds an awful lot like me.

"Neither do I…"

#

The truth is that in this world, power is an illusion. You think you have power over your life. You think going to school and studying hard will make you successful. You think afterwards you will go to work in an office to make lots of money and that will make you happy. You think one day you will have enough and that will let you die. All of this is untrue. The truth is that things happen, people die. For most that is the end. For those taken by the virus, it is unfortunately not. That is what makes the virus so scary. It takes away the one thing we all thought we would have. It takes away death.

Our world was not always like this. Before the pandemic, I was a world class athlete. People thought I had it all. I disagreed, I was never more lonely. Every day at the gym, working the bag, grappling with trainers, teaching myself to master my body. It made me hard, and it made me physically strong. I was born and bred for a war. But it was the wrong war. I couldn't relate to people. Had so few friends I might as well not have had a phone. It looked like I was winning, but inside, I was slowly dying. I wanted things to change.

Over a black star, I wished for the world to change during the new year. It was a mistake. I should have wished for the world to change for the better. Instead…it became like this after New Years Eve, 2021. Now in this world of endless violence, I am truly alone. I tried so hard to save everyone. I thought I had this power. The truth is I can't save anyone. I can die over and over but one day, just like everyone else, I will die no more. For I will become one with the Gray. And then…perhaps I will no longer be alone.

Maybe I shouldn't be running from death.

#

"Hey, you alive?"

"Hah!" I burst up from my terrible dreams like I can escape the future they hold for me if I just open my eyes. It is impossible though. Whatever twisted nightmares await me are unavoidable. That is the only thing I know for sure. Despite all my power, you cannot escape the inevitable. Eventually, you…will…break. My eyelids shoot open like hummingbird wings, fluttering with supersonic speed. Something is staring into my eyes. Wide eyes, pale skin, black hair, I know what this is. A person?

"Oh my god!" The girl in front of me backs away. She's kind of cute. Fancy that, there are still cute girls in this world? Now that she has moved, I can see three guys and two more girls behind her. This time it's my turn to widen my eyes. "I didn't expect you to actually be alive!" Her voice is breathy. Under her long black hair, I can see her pulse jumping in her neck. Don't think about it, Lin. You're alive right now. The Gray thinks like that. You're human. You don't.

"…" I don't say anything, just push my palms against the dusty ground. It's cold, but then I'm on my feet and I can rise slowly. The other humans stare at me with fear in their eyes. They are afraid because I am not one of them. They should be. If only they knew what I am. What I have done. But no one knows. Just me.

"It's okay! We have food! Don't be scared!" The girl gets off the ground as well. "I'm Yin. We're trying to get out! You want to come with?" She straightens, offering her hand. There aren't many people who would trust their hand to a stranger these days. I'm not one of them. Yin's face tightens ever so slightly, and her companion's distrust turns to tension. Despite my wariness, I'm not afraid of them. Nothing can be as bad as bad as that time. I shudder remembering what I did, what I had to do. If that guy hadn't stopped me, would I still be out there? Walking endlessly alone? Hunting forever?

"He's useless. Leave him." One of the guys, a taller man who looks like a college student shrugs. He comes up behind Yin and tugs on her shoulder. She brushes off his hand, trying to look in my eyes. I turn my head down, staring at the ground. You can't see it. Even if I let you look, you wouldn't see the things I saw. The things I did. The man smirks, tossing his blonde ponytail sideways. "See, he's wasted. Probably insane."

"Maybe…" Yin finally gives up when I refuse to look at her. She stands up and goes back to her friends. They start to walk away, occasionally shooting glances back my way. I watch them go. I'm so lonely. But it's better this way. I can't be in a party again. Not after last time. The girl calls out to me one last time. "If you change your mind, we'll be going North. Just follow the star." She points up at the sky, worriedly. Though I look away, I can still see her sadness as her friends pull her along. They don't look strong. I don't think any of them are Hunters. All they can do is run and run. But the dead never get tired. And there will always be more.

When I move, my back cracks from sleeping on the hard ground. I'm almost out of supplies. Looking around, I sigh. Wastelands all around. Dry, dirty, cold and barren. How did it all go to hell so fast? Checking my canteen, it sloshes quietly. A little too quietly. Running low. I force myself to start walking. They went this way. I don't want to run into them again. But I need water.

The sky changes, growing darker, the warm sun is drifting away and cold night draws near. After the world changed, the moon grew larger, brighter in the sky. It gives frail humans more-light to see them coming. Now I sleep during the day and awake at night. Just like the dead. Well, I probably shouldn't say it like I wasn't nocturnal before.

The ruined buildings have crumbled quickly outside the major city zones. Whatever unnatural force has pulled us into this terrible game has changed the rules. The topography, all the maps we had before, the satellites and GPS which could tell you to turn left and walk there, none of them make sense anymore. A few places are still where they used to be, but if you trust anything from before you'll regret it. If you kill enough zombies, you'll get a HUD, a sort of user interface which tells you your level.

A map can be unlocked which records all the places you've been at level 5. But I am no longer a Hunter. So, I have to rely on memory. If I go the other way, the direction I went in my last life, I think I'll find Sasha, James, and the others. I want to…see her again. But I can't face her after…what I did. Even if she doesn't know, I'll know. If that Hunter hadn't come along, would I still be out there, eating…NO!

Closing my eyes, I just listen to the Wasteland for a while. If I think too hard, I'll remember what happened again. And what the Gray said. It wasn't real. Don't think about it. It was just the virus. Not you…Ahhh! Putting my hands over my ears, I shudder, rocking back and forth on my feet. It's too soon. Just a few days ago I was hunting zombs with them. I was one of the top Hunters. Now…I'm nobody and I can never party again. If I grew too strong…and I died again, would another Hunter be able to stop me? I need to avoid leveling. It's too dangerous.

"Ahhhh!" Suddenly the scream of a girl crashes through my thoughts. Instantly, my thoughts go back to the newbies from earlier. It has to be them. At this point, I doubt anyone has even figured out how to level yet. I don't want to get involved. I don't know them. But I can't just let them get eaten. Breaking into a jog, I follow the path between two rotting houses and come out of the gap to see the undead. Six zombies, a family by the look of it, shamble towards the river. Trapped against the water is the party from earlier. Yin is shrieking, her long black hair dripping water as the blonde dude waves a tree branch at the undead. "Help! Donovan do something!"

"What the hell do you think I'm doing?" The blonde man takes a step forward and attempts to smash the foremost zombie, a pudgy man, in the head.

Swish!

The muddy riverbank and a loose rock cause him to slip. He overswings and hits the zombie's shoulder. His branch snaps in half as the undead growls. The girls behind him lose their nerve and back away into deeper water. Don't do that. You can't fight them effectively like that. I step out further from the houses. The zombies are focused on the party and have their backs turned to me. Yin sees me and an expression of panic takes over.

"Run away!" She screams. "Leave us or they'll come after you too!" It's obvious that she has no idea how to hunt even the most basic undead. Right now, the only zombies around here are Fresh Undead. Since I am not a hunter anymore I can't see their levels, but most non-hunters can take these on with some planning. In my last life, since I didn't come this way, did these people die? Despite her warning, I stay where I am, thinking. Even at Lvl 0, after my last life, I'm not afraid. One of the other girls, a short redhead can't take it anymore. She turns and wades out into the river.

"Stop!" Another guy calls out. "Crassia don't!" However, it is too late. The girl's short legs kick against the current, but it is not long before panic takes over for she has met one of the few things as implacable as the undead.

"Help!" She screams as she's washed away. Unfortunately, as I am now, I can't save her. She can only hope that the gods are kind and do not decide to let her drown. Shaking my head, I see one of the boys from earlier pointing at me. The blonde guy has dropped his broken branch and retreated to the others into waist deep water. Any further and the shorter girls will be washed away. They're going to drown.

"Bro! Do something! Save us!" The dark-skinned boy with dreadlocks is desperate. Cold water has no doubt soaked all of his clothes and if it weren't for that, he would be covered in sweat. "Distract them for us!" He stumbles on something in the river and goes under for a second. When he comes, up, the zombies have entered the water. Their rotting flesh causes a black stain to form in front of them as their essence is away by the current. Fresh Undead are so weak.

"Shut up, Sean!" Yin yells at her friend, tugging him back with her. She looks at me with sad eyes. "Just go! It's too late!" The blonde man has his hands out as if to box with the undead. It could work, in theory. If you can avoid the bite of Fresh Undead, they won't be able to infect you. A few freaks who liked boxing and learned some special skills even leveled bare-handed techniques. This guy, however is not a fighter. He'll probably be bitten after one or two punches and then he'll die. Afterwards, he'll be resurrected as a Fresh Undead.

"Oi! Don't you have any shame!" He calls out to me. "We offered you food and you're just going to watch us die?" I feel nothing at his words. After my last life, I've seen too much to care about his taunt. The girl named Yin stares daggers into Donovan's back.

"Stop dragging him down with us!" She cries out. However, I've already taken a step towards the zombies. Reaching into my coat, I take out my butcher's cleaver. Breathing deep, I remember the feeling of my first blade. It's been a long time. Though I'm far more accustomed to a true sword by now, this will do. The cute girl tries one last time in vain to stop me as she sees me draw my weapon. "No! Go back!"

"Help dude!" Yin's friends are not so shy. The light of hope rekindles in their eyes though they do not really believe I can change their fate. I break into a run, scooping up a rock in my fist as I go. As the first zombie enters knee deep water and Donovan engages it in combat, I throw. My missile catches the back of the Fresh Undead's head right as the blonde boy's punch hits its temple. No one can believe it when the fat corpse crumples, coagulated blood spilling into the water. However, the other five zombies are almost at the party. Donovan's fist is shaking. He's not used to punching.

Splash!

Fresh Undead are stupid. They struggle to understand who is the greater danger. Strategy is not part of their skillset and though I just downed one of them, they only see the people they have been hunting. When my boots enter the water, the slowest one starts to turn towards me. Too slow! I draw my butcher's knife across the back of its neck in a practiced motion. Its spinal cord is severed and it drops instantly. The soft meat of a Fresh Undead is weaker than a normal human. Another body hitting the water attracts the attention of the others.

One zombie, a thin older man, turns back just in time for me to smash my cleaver into its collarbone. He shrieks as his vocal cords are torn out. Kicking the zombie back to die in the river, I dash to the next one. This one has actually managed to face me.

A woman, her face twisted in undeath reaches for me with black fingernails and scarred wrists. Ducking underneath her cold grasp, I slit her throat. All of these Fresh Undead were created from normal people who are not hunters. They can kill with a single bite. But to someone who has fought a hundred battles, they are nothing.

Four down.

The last two haven't realized that I am behind them. But the girls have backed up to chest deep water. Their clothes cling to their bodies as they try to stay upright. Any deeper and they'll be swept away like their friend.

"AHHH!" The blonde, Donovan, has been attacked. He grabs the puffy forearms coming towards him, trying to keep the zombie from reaching him. The rotting man surges forwards, knocking Donovan underwater. Splashes echo as the other two boys watch, unsure of how to help. I've gotten close. My cleaver dispatches the fifth zombie summarily as Yin's wide eyes watch.

"HELP HIM!" She cries at the drowning boy. I'm annoyed. These idiots went too deep. It's hard to fight in such deep water. I'm not that tall, my arms are only halfway out of the river. Striding past the other zombies, I approach the frothing melee. I can see Donovan's face underwater. Air bubbles stream from his ice-cold lips as he tries to keep the zombie from reaching him. Their arms tangle and unwind, a bizarre dance between living and dead.

Raising my blade up high, I jump out of the water to get more leverage. Then swing it straight down on the zombie's neck like I'm chopping vegetables. A black cloud billows and a rotting head falls down as if to kiss Donovan in death. Reaching underwater, I grab the skull by the back of its scalp and throw it aside so the drowning boy doesn't accidentally shove his hand inside its mouth or something.

"Oh my god he's not coming up!" The other girl has pink hair with the dye fading. She points at Donovan as if we don't all know he's drowning. Now that the zombie has died, the rest of them finally come close. I plunge my arm down into the water, closing my eyes to avoid getting zombie blood inside. Donovan is lifted up by the hair, kicking and spluttering. One of his wild punches catches me in the ribs and I grunt, letting go. He falls back into the river. This time, his friends decide not to be useless and go to help him up. Rubbing my rib, I immediately head back to shore. It's probably too early for undead to spawn in the river. Probably.

"You killed all of them." Yin's confused voice is a little awestruck, a little scared. If only she knew what I was really capable of. Dragging my feet to shore, I swish my cleaver in the water a few times to get the blood off. "Who…how did you do that?" Her question goes unanswered. On shore, I'm a little tired. But something familiar has appeared in the corner of my vision. I know what it was.

"Congratulations, you are now a Hunter!"

Damnit. I'm level one again.

"Level one?" Yin asks. I didn't even realize I was thinking out loud until she came up behind me. My clothes are all wet. At Lvl 1, that's a problem. We need a fire.

"Kill zombies and you'll get to become a Hunter." I don't hide my knowledge. Though it's probably invaluable right now, in a few days, more and more people are going to discover that life is a game now. "The more you kill, the stronger you get."

"I…" Yin doesn't know what to make of my statements yet. I shrug. She'll figure it out it out soon anyway. "What's your name? Why did you help us?" She watches as her friends start to take off their wet clothes. One of the girls is hesitant to remove her shirt in front of so many males. The guys see me looking and give me dark looks even though I just saved their lives. Whatever. Not like I care. I turn my gaze downriver.

"Your friend might still be alive." My voice is neutral. "There's a chance she drowned. Or got picked up by something once she landed." Now that the moon has risen, the world is cast in a strange silver glow. After so much time fighting in my other life, it's hard to remember everything about the world before the Calamity. But I do remember how dark it was at night. If only I could go back to that darkness. It was creepier, but at least it was safe. This is the world of monsters.

"You're right." Yin peers into the dark river. At night, it's like a sapphire ribbon winding out of the crumbling buildings and into the woods. In those trees, anything could be lurking, and probably is. "We should go look for her!" She wants to go to her friends. However, I grab her wet sleeve.

"Not a good idea." I say curtly. "You guys are too weak. It's going to get cold soon, you need to build a fire." The cute girl stops with a worried expression. She's loyal. But still a newbie.

"We can't just leave Crassia…" She murmurs, "Besides, if we stated a fire, wouldn't that just attract more of those things?" Most of the bodies in the river have been carried off by the current. But two of them still linger at the water's edge, stark reminders of the future awaiting all of us. I shake my head, watching her friends shiver.

"Go inside one of the buildings so nothing sees it. Also, you guys made too much noise already. If anything was here it would have came earlier. You should never scream unless you're trying to fight more undead." I raise my voice so the others can hear. Under the heavy moonlight, I can see them blush. The girl with pink hair catches my eye.

"Do you…do you think you could look for Crassia for us?" She does her best to put on a winning expression. "Please? You're so strong!" Her compliment sounds good, but it's just a cover for her own weakness. The males stare at me as if they can't do the task themselves. So useless. Even when we were newbies, Sasha and James were never this afraid. I guess that's the difference between regular people and the strong. Ignoring her, I walk away. She becomes afraid as I start to leave. "Wait! Where are you going?"

"You wanted me to find her." I shrug, gazing up at the gleaming moon. Under tonight's sky it seems almost covered in blood. My fist goes up as if to hold it in my hand. I can't believe I'm back here again. At the beginning.

"Rui, stop it!" Yin hushes her friend before calling out to my back, "You don't have to do this!" However, I am already entering the thicket of trees. Following the river, I'm not sure why I'm bothering to help these people. I'm not a hero anymore. These people are strangers. I don't have to do this. But some part of me can't let it go. Even if I do this, it won't make up for what I did. Nothing can make up for that. As I trudge into the woods, I hear footsteps behind me. "I'm coming with you."

"…" I keep walking further. The dark shroud of the treetops shuts out the iridescent moonlight and turns the forest into true night. A gentle burble comes from the winding river which twists left and right trying to find its way to the ocean. I'm reminded of people. We're just like the river. Always following the path of least resistance. The girl behind me however defies the norm. I can hear her teeth chattering as the world grows cold. Now it belongs to the dead, not us.

"Why are you helping us?" She huffs through cold lips. I do not answer. To be honest, I don't know myself so I can't say even if I wanted to. Twigs break underneath her clumsy steps. I shake my head irritably. Newbie. She's just a newbie. As we walk, occasionally glimpses of moonlight break through the dense foliage and illuminate the trail. Though I keep my eyes on the riverbank, looking for footsteps in the mud or any signs of her friend, I see nothing. Something moves in the endless shadows. I pause, raising my nose, trying to smell the familiar stink of undead. There's something out there. Wait…

"Crassia!" Yin dashes forward before I can warn her. A familiar red head with sopping wet hair emerges from the tangled trees. Dragging her feet over the gnarled roots, she's covered in mud and pale as a bleached sheet. Crassia walks out of the bushes, their barbed hooks leaving bloody smears on her white skin. "You're okay!"

But there were no footsteps?

I look back at the river bank. Indeed, the shore is clean and clear despite being extremely muddy. It's like she just…floated out the river. Instantly, the hairs on the back of my neck stand erect. I know what monster stands before us now, and it's no human. Running forwards, I yank Yin back by her hair. It's the only thing I can reach. The still-wet strands are cold in my grasp, but they do not break. She stumbles as her head snaps back. Hurt eyes gaze at me in bewildered anger.

"What the hell!" She yelps. However, I have no time for a girl's useless rage. What lies ahead is far more dangerous. I thought that only Fresh Undead would spawn in the first few days. But I guess depending on where you started, you might not be so lucky. The redhead ghosts over the tree branches, leaving no footprints. Riverwater oozes from her clothes and spills to the ground, but when it lands, it disappears. Crassia opens her mouth, a faint keen coming as she gasps.

"Help-me. I'm-so-cold." She chokes, spluttering words having a hard time leaving her waterlogged lungs. There's no smell, her corpse died in the water only recently and hasn't begun to rot yet. Yin still tries to break free of my grasp and get herself killed. She pushes against my arms which form a cage around her.

"Oh my god, you're alive!" Yin cries out, "Let me go! What are doing?" I do the opposite though, tightening my arms around her soft body and holding her back. The girl is cold, freezing, her body unused to the wild at night. Gradually, as Crassia stumbles closer, and her swaying mop of soaked hair drifts back in the wind, Yin stills. "Crassia? Are you okay?"

"She's already dead." I announce grimly. Yin doesn't believe me. She twists around in my hold, unable to see that her friend is gone. I have my gaze fixed above the enemy's head. A number floats there, and I curse.

A Drowned Soul. Lvl 5.

If I kill her, I'll hit Lvl 2 instantly. I can't keep leveling like this or no one will be able to stop me if I die and the Gray takes over. But we can't run. Something this strong, it will keep following us until it dies or eats us.

"Crassia?" Finally, Yin has realized that I am not holding her back for nothing. "Are you…okay? You're so pale!" In response to her question, the Drowned Soul that wears her friend's form as skin laughs. It is a bone-chilling noise, one which contains all the despair of someone who has lost everything. Air, warmth, life, everything was taken from Crassia when the river pulled her under. Now she hungers to regain the impossible by taking it from others. "What's wrong? Are you hurt?"

"So-cold…" Crassia moans again. I back away, dragging Yin with me as the creature takes a shambling step forwards. Her limbs are jerky, the joints locked up by water. It gives her a stuttering stride which makes it look like she's going to fall at any time. However, her feet do not catch on anything on the ground. I point at them.

"Don't you see it? Drowned Souls leave no footprints. Her true self is at the bottom of the river. But this thing in front of you which wears her skin doesn't know that. It hungers to replace what was lost. It hungers for all that makes you living." My explanation is dispassionate. I realize I'm talking like I'm explaining this all to a new Hunter. Suddenly, the solution is clear.

"What…what do we do? How can we help her?" Yin shudders, perhaps believing my words, perhaps not. She stills in my arms and I stop pulling her back. Instead, I let her go. She turns back to look at me as I reach into my coat and withdraw my cleaver. "What are you doing? Are you going to kill her?!" I shake my head slowly. Turning the blade around, I offer her the handle. There's only one way to help these newbies.

"I can't kill her. If you want to live, you're going to do it."