Congratulations

A late-spring breeze blows past with a tattered plastic shopping bag dancing in its embrace. Their graceful performance comes to an abrupt conclusion when the trash slams into the face of a casually dressed young man observing an old woman in the nearby crosswalk.

Lucas removes the offending garbage, exposing his lightly-tanned, clean-shaven face crinkled with disgust, and his hazel eyes narrowed into slits.

Once he tosses the bag over his shoulder, the wind changes direction, bringing it back to molest his short chestnut hair. He stiffens briefly before defending himself, eventually successfully swatting his assailant away.

After another moment of hesitation, he takes the last few steps toward the elderly woman struggling with some bulky luggage. As he approaches her, his expression softens into a gentle, genuine smile.

"Granny, d'ya need to carry that very far? I can help if ya want?" he offers as he reaches for the largest suitcase.

She glowers at him and slaps his outstretched hand away.

"Back off, brat. Don't think I didn't guess you want to steal it," she scolds as she tugs her luggage in a huff.

He sighs and scratches the back of his head, turning in another direction.

'I don't think I'll ever get used to this place; everyone's so hostile.'

He shoves his hands into his unzipped hoodie's pockets and walks a few uneventful blocks away, weaving his way between intermittent groups of indifferent people.

Graffiti-covered multi-story buildings frame the several-lane streets, which are crowded with a mess of taxis and private cars, occasionally honking the songs of their people to one another in an aggressive dance from one pothole to another.

He climbs a few stairs to enter an apartment complex, eventually working his way to his own door. Fumbling with his keys until he finally gets inside, he re-locks the four locks plus two barrel bolts behind him.

He kicks off his shoes and collapses onto a stained, heavily patched fabric sofa. Sinking into it, he holds his head in his hands with his elbows supported by his knees.

A low grumble reminds him why he initially went out, his stomach protesting his abrupt change of plans.

'It woulda been way too awkward to continue walkin' along the same path as that cranky granny. Whatever, there should at least be some ramen, yeah?'

He grabs the TV's remote control, clicking on the local news for some background noise besides the boisterous traffic and insistent barking of nearby dogs. With a beep from the now-awoken TV in his wake, he heads into his small kitchenette to scavenge a meal.

On-screen, a female news anchor with shoulder-length bleached blonde hair, clear blue eyes, and a low-cut blouse professionally narrates recent events.

"Regarding Mind Flare's recent provocations, Black Ash Snow declared he will run a popularity poll to truly determine which of the local villains have the cutest pet. One of Mind Flare's high-ranking henchmen collated several images of each animal from their respective social media pages; Black Ash Snow requests that everyone visits his website for a link to the ongoing poll. He also encourages everyone to vote honestly."

A collage of photos takes over the TV screen. While the animal, background, person whose lap they're sitting on, and the chair they're seated in are all different, the pictures shown are all taken at an alarmingly similar angle.

Glancing at the screen before his final steps into the kitchenette, Lucas snorts and chuckles on his way to heat a pot of water for some dried noodles.

'How do they even take themselves seriously with those ridiculous names? It's great they're all keepin' each other in check, but this world is seriously somethin' else.'

Upon completing his meal preparations, he returns with a bowl of ramen--bearing an egg on top--and plops onto the sofa, settling in.

Immediately losing interest in the local weather forecast on display, he pulls the remote over with his foot to channel surf for something worth watching while he eats.

Eventually, he settles on a movie with several characters on display, with a palpable tension between them.

Center-screen is a tall woman in a little frilly blue dress.

'Isn't that the strength and speed supe actress Alice Song? I thought she only did martial arts action flicks… Oh, right, this is the dumb new movie they were just doin' a press release for; I'm surprised it's on TV already.'

Next to her is an even taller drag queen in a red, black, and white dress wearing heavy makeup--including thick red eyeliner shaped to form two hearts--and a ridiculously oversized bright red wig.

'Heh, that's Mind Flare, yeah? Werk it queen, yaaas.'

Opposite them are three men seated at a large table covered with multiple tea sets and varied desserts.

The young man in the trio's center has an impeccable suit with a large top hat and an ace of spades stuck in its band instead of a feather. To his left is a sound-asleep tween with absurdly large mouse ears sticking out of his short brown hair. And, to the right is a man with rabbit ears poking out his shoulder-length dirty blond hair, actively ignoring everyone else, focusing solely on his teacup.

Lucas focuses far more attention on the TV set than he'd ever willingly admit while shoveling noodles into his mouth.

In the movie, the suit-clad man rushes to his feet.

"Just because you've allied with the queen of hearts doesn't mean you have the advantage, Alice!" While shouting, he reaches under the table. He pulls out a comically large rotary machine gun, opening fire upon his opponents.

The dress-clad duo launches into a series of exaggerated jumps and flips while dodging the barrage, eventually hopping onto the table.

Before they reach him, however, they both freeze in place with a red dot centered on each of their foreheads.

'WTF?!'

Leaning forward with rapt attention, Lucas inadvertently loses his grasp on his bowl mid-bite, spilling a large portion of his meal onto the floor.

His attention is forcibly pulled back to reality. He springs up and attempts to clean it before it soaks into the wall-to-wall carpeting.

'Damnit, that's nearly the last of what I have left; now I REALLY need to go back out…'

In the movie, the hatter shouts enthusiastically, "You aren't the only one who has made an alliance! Allow me to introduce you to the twins!" After ceasing fire, he cackles, gesturing back with his elbow.

The camera pans over to an identical pair of teenage boys sprawled out on their stomachs on a nearby roof, watching the tea party through the scopes of their sniper rifles.

Kneeling on the ground with a fistful of paper towels, Lucas begrudgingly grabs the TV remote and shuts it off, sighing.

'I'll just download it for later; I should watch that nonsense from the start, anywho. Uh, the bakin' soda from the fridge can still absorb the extra soup, yeah?'

Managing what cleanup he can and sprinkling way too much baking soda on the soiled spot, he smacks the mouse for his laptop to wake it up. After double-checking his bank account with the help of an external ID chip scanner, he grabs his keys and heads out.

Roughly a block and a half away, a nondescript man runs toward him, clutching a purse.

Behind the runner is a fair, heavily freckled, mid-to-late teen girl sighing with a dejected and annoyed expression.

Everyone else nearby steps aside to stay out of his way, attempting not to get involved.

Without putting any conscious thought into the matter, Lucas blocks the purse snatcher's path.

"Dude, come on. Don't be like tha--" He reaches for the purse during his protestation, belatedly noticing a flash of silver in the man's right hand.

'Shit.'

"Piss off!" the thief snarls as he uses the forward momentum from his sprint to thrust a serrated knife into Lucas's abdomen. He drags it to the side a short distance, yanks it out, and continues running.

A spray of Lucas's blood splatters onto the sidewalk's pavement, although no one acknowledges its presence. He falls to his knees, doubled over in pain, pressing his hands against the gushing wound.

The purseless young woman doesn't so much as glance at him as she walks past at a leisurely pace. The other pedestrians also circle around him, ignoring him.

'Seriously?! I've only been here for a month! Dammit, I don't wanna die again…'

[Bzzt… scan complete. Analyzing…]

'Eh?'

[Analysis complete. Positive value found, now loading… loading complete.]

'Okay, WTF is…'

[Binding successful. Congratulations, upstanding citizen. You have been selected by the Superhero Enhancement System. Please select your desired enhancement. The following options are avail--]

'I'm Dying! Is NOT DYING an option?!'

[Error; invalid selection. An enhancement will be randomly selected. Randomizing… strength has been selected. Enhanced strength will be calibrated for your rebirth. Please look forward to it.]

'What in the actual fuck?!'

With this final thought, Lucas dies in a pool of blood on the sidewalk.