Past and Future's tug of war

Connie was my daily dose of transitory refuge, so her health scare broke me more than her own family.

Remembering the doctor's news about her victory against breast cancer made me feel like all the prayers I've spammed towards the Universe's inbox, trading of all of my luck and happiness in this lifetime for her guaranteed recovery, have been well-received and my requested trade has been signed, sealed and delivered.

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Feeling the warm waters wash away scarcity and hopelessness off every strand of my hair, I felt renewed and refreshed, hoping to start this new chapter with a dash of optimism.

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So when Ansel came strutting into my life, my cautious skepticism was at an all-time high.

"What kind of sick joke is this?", "How can I just melt into the warm embrace of a perfect stranger?" and "Why can't I keep my walls up with this perfect male specimen?" were the first three thoughts that were deafeningly rampaging in my head during our first conversation.

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Willing myself to scrub off my intrusive thoughts, turning the shower off, my weary self rested my forehead on the marbled wall.

"Gran-gran sure loves marbles. The aesthetics are classy and tasteful. Yet the upkeep..." Shuddering at the thought, I muttered, "no wonder she has four times the staff."

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I couldn't fathom how could this modern-day otherworldly sensual god would voluntarily choose to easily unravel his human frailty in front of me like that.

My open heart beckons me to invite him into my equally messed-up life yet my vigilant mind would always re-awaken my bittersweet severance from Mithras as a cautionary tale of my once-foolish naivety from summers long gone.

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Finishing my shower routine with my favorite shower cream from Elemis, I head out to the vanity for a basic skincare routine: starting with vitamin c serum, lathering a decent amount of moisturizer, and a generous coverage with my go-to sunblock.

Removing the towel off my hair, my mind wanders back to a few hours ago.

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Yet a gentle caress on my mushy tear-stained cheek, a chaste kiss on my annoyingly wide forehead, and a homey lovingly-protective embrace were it took for years' worth of my perfectly-curated fortified public persona to be reduced to diamond dust in the presence of the Universe's potential cruel joke.

My previous state of being has been deemed damaged beyond repair by yours truly.

Knowing myself all too well, I worry for us both, embodying our versions of being broken and damaged.

The potential for trauma bonding in this particular situation is a few decimals shy of an indisputable 100%.

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Shaking my head mid-diffusing the last section of my wavy hair, ensuring I applied an adequate amount of hair oils to the very tips of my waist-length hair, pulling my shorts over my thighs as my thoughts decided to take over.

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Ansel deserves to be loved as genuinely and sincerely as humanly possible.

He does not deserve the scraps and breadcrumbs of whatever kind of love I still carry for Mithras.

Regardless of what kind of lives we've lived before meeting each other, both carrying unhealed trauma and inner demons we have yet to conquer, there is one thing I know for certain:

No one should ever settle for a half-ass love.

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Swiping the right amount of lip oil over my barely tainted lips, giving myself a once-over to make sure I achieve my version of a natural look.

Putting on one earring, I found myself reverting to my mental prison as my mind took over me yet again.

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Beyond his silvery pools lies a precious soul, no matter how feeble or fleeting, desperate to cling on to any form of happiness.

That's why, instead of agreeing to his offer, I provided a healthier alternative: be each other's support as we work hard to heal.

Given ample amount of time to heal and free ourselves from the clutches of the past, I know in my heart that we have the possibility to be amazing.

I need to free myself from the rejection I got from Mithras.

Muttering under my breath, "I owe Ansel that much."

Staring at my own reflection, throwing caution in the wind, hoping the universe would give me guidance, I asked aloud,

"How does one move on from their first heartbreak?"