62 Omake: Mikael's Relationship Advice for Harem Protagonists
"Welcome, class," Mikael declared to the assembled group. He wore a tweed suit, a fake mustache, and glasses he didn't need. "To the first multi-dimensional Harem Protagonist course. HP class, for short. Every night for the next month, you will come here in your dreams. We have dedicated classes on various subjects that will be recommended based on your genre. I particularly recommend 'Bad End Avoidance 101' for all of you, as it is a great supplement to this general course. Before I begin, are there any questions?"
There were a lot of questions.
"Did you kidnap us?" Minato Sahashi asked with alarm.
"Kidnapping is such a harsh term," Mikael answered with a sly grin as he used a magic trick to make his glasses glint ominously. "I like to think of it as 'enthusiastic recruitment.'"
"Excuse me, sir, who are you," Shiro Emiya asked politely with a raised hand. He did not notice how, nearby, on two desks, two siblings eyed him with recognition.
Nor did he notice how the sister had his red hair and gold eyes, and the brother had Rin's black hair and blue eyes.
Sometimes, 'Harem Protagonist' was a genetic condition.
"My name is Mikael," he said, adjusting his fake mustache as it began to slip. "I am your instructor for your homeroom. You will get to know each other over your time here. I'm sure you all have a lot to learn, not only from me but also from your other teachers."
"Mikael-sensei," Kamijou Touma asked. "Why am I here? I don't have a harem. I have terrible luck with women."
"If I say you have a harem, then you have one," Mikael declared firmly. "Or at least the possibility for one. If you do not believe you do, you will attend 'Self-Denial and its consequences' with Aizen-sensei. This is not optional. Humility is only a virtue if it doesn't hurt you or those close to you."
"SIR!" Hyoudou Issei shot to his feet, a broad grin on his face. "Please teach me how to get a harem!"
"What if we don't want a harem?" Natsuki Subaru asked with his arms crossed.
Issei looked like someone had killed his dog.
"Monogamy is a valid way of life, as is not engaging in romance at all," Mikael nodded to the young man, his mustache falling off completely. "This course is about achieving your goals as a harem protagonist. What those goals are, is up to you. Always remember, just because a woman, or man if you are into that, has expressed a romantic interest in you doesn't mean you have to return that interest. It is perfectly fine to have your own preferences, and rejecting someone you are not interested in is better than stringing them along."
"Uh, Mikael-sensei," Tsukune Aono hesitantly asked. "Isn't that mean?"
"No," Mikael lectured. "If you confess to someone you like, do they have to go out with you?" Many in the room shuffled awkwardly, their own history of confessions not giving them much confidence. "If you don't have a judgment one way or another, go on a date or two. That is what dates are for, to find out if people are compatible. By that same nature, if you do not want to date someone, don't date them. Even if it hurts their feelings, so long as you are not cruel, a clean rejection will allow the other party to move on with their lives."
"Finally," Kazuma Satou muttered, resting his head on his crossed arms on his desk. "Some true gender equality."
"There is an exception to this, but you'll learn about it in 'Yandere Survival 104' with Yukiteru Amano. A true veteran of the subject. If you feel you need it, please also take 'No Nice Boats 203' with Makoto Ito. Now we've digressed a bit. Any other questions about the course itself?"
"Umu, what about those of us who are not human?" Ainz Ooal Goan asked imperiously with his boney arms crossed. Inside, Suzuki Satoru was freaking the fuck out.
How had he been summoned here despite all his protections?
How much did this man know?
A harem? He was a skeleton.
Why did that thought bring an image of Albedo screaming 'Bone Daddy!' at him to mind?
"I'd make a boner joke, but I am afraid most wouldn't appreciate it, so I'll leave it dead and buried."
""BOOOO""
More than a few students in the classroom jeered at the pun, but the teacher just took a deep breath with a smile as if breathing in their pain.
"To answer your question, love does not discriminate based on race, gender or creed," Mikael nodded in the direction of several female students, most of who had been looking around curiously and warily. The men outnumbered them, but there were still over a dozen of them. "If you wish a body that can engage in sex with humans, we can work with you to create one for use but love or romance doesn't need sex, so the knowledge we teach still applies."
"So these lessons will be useful for us as well?" Haruhi Fujioka asked. She wore a boy's uniform, but most of the other women wore the female version.
"It is a Harem Protagonist course. That includes reverse harems," Mikeal nodded. "Some courses are more geared towards certain genders or preferences, such as 'Practical Sex Ed' with Medb or Fergus, or 'Managing Men 202' with Circe, if you choose to take any of them. But you will find most of the lessons will overlap, despite differences in genders. Toxic or abusive relationships can happen to anyone, man or woman. As can healthy polyamorous ones. It depends on the people involved, not their gender.
Take Tsunderes, for example. A staple of many harems. There is a fine line between an outburst of embarrassment and anger and physical abuse. Recognizing that difference is the key to living a long, happy life as a Harem Protag. That will be covered in 'Proper Dere Maintenance 101,' where Helltaker will walk you through identifying various 'Deres' and how to handle them."
"So the course is not about getting a harem but managing the affection of multiple people to ensure proper development?"
"Exactly," Mikael nodded at Sunako Nakahara's question. "As I mentioned, only you can decide what that development is. We are just here to give you the tools to achieve it. Now, we have time for one more question, then we must begin with the first lesson. Yes, Yuuki Cross. You've had your hand up for a while."
"Are we the only class here?"
"No, though you will not be interacting with the other classes. You are divided into needs and methods of teaching. This reflects the cultures you come from. Notice how many of you are Japanese in origin? Wuxia or Xianxia require almost entirely different lessons, for example. To say nothing of the School of Hentai. And don't get me started on harems in Fanfiction. That is a mess I am not looking forward to. So the long and short of it is you are not the only Harem Protags out there, but you will not be interacting with others. We want to avoid NTR wars as much as possible."
Turning from the group, Mikael grabbed a folder filled with paper. Then, with an obvious use of magic, he banished it from his hand so the sheets rained down on the class. One fell on each desk, face up in front of all the students.
"This is the course syllabus," he explained, holding a copy of the paper to the group. "Please peruse it at your leisure so you know what to expect. This week will be dedicated to the basics. Stuff you need to know as soon as possible to start improving your lives and those around you. We will primarily focus on communication. The pillar of any good relationship.
Next week we will dive into social conventions. Age of consent, differences in species and cultures, that sort of thing. The third is on, and I can't believe I need to say this, why slavery is wrong. I am not talking about bondage in the bedroom or even hierarchical relationships but actual slavery. Slave harems are not a harem. It's just slavery. If they cannot say no without fear of repercussions, it is rape. Period. Now master/slave play is wholly different."
Most of the room was red-faced to one degree or another, unused to such a blunt way of speaking about sex or relationships.
"The final week will be group projects. You will be assigned a classmate who is best suited to you. You will explain your situation to each other and compare and contrast. This is not meant to critique but to get an outside perspective on your life without judgment. By the end of that week, you will present a full report to me on what you need to improve to become a better Harem Protagonist.
This is the only course that is required by everyone. After you finish it, it is up to you to take electives to achieve that goal. 'Self-Denial and its consequences' is only a requirement for a few of you. I will then help compile a list of courses that will aid you in that goal. Politics. Combat. Sexual Techniques. We teach anything and everything here for a nascent Harem Protag, but always remember it is up to you to put forth the effort."
Mikael took a moment to look around the room, meeting their eyes as if willing to take this seriously.
"We will not be holding your hand. This course will take serious self-reflection and effort on your part. It all takes work, no matter what your goal is. A childhood sweetheart, the popular kid, a harem, or even a quiet life with no romance. As Harem Protagonists, your lives will be challenging, dangerous, exhausting, and even life-threatening. But, with our help, you will reach your happy ending."
