1 Chapter 1 The questions

Growing up it felt like no big deal ,"they grow up so fast don't they" so people say Who? it will be me lying to you. My name is Hope i grew up in an unstable financial circumstance others like to call 'poverty '. I lived in a very large family with siblings,uncles and grannies everyone just squeezing in a very small house.It was a problem not only environmentally but also there was always something missing but no one responsible for it.The idea of being in a space like that had me to wonder if it was a punishment irregardless of from who and if am worth the task at hand am being given to succeed through that,thou i couldn't see the idea behind the idea because I was still just a toddler when I lost my Mother and had to carry all the responsibilities of taking a of my siblings and myself. All i could hear were voices chattering as if they are in a distance just as it was the day i almost cried but couldn't because I was promised torture if i mourn for her. My mind still lingers sometimes when am alone wondering what if i did mourn,mybe i would have dotched a lifetime torture i encountered after all alone while everyone seems to have forgotten the many promises they made on that day to help where they can and could. The agony of growing while watching others run to their mother's for comfort and tender love you know you will never get ever again, crying inside but acting strong as steel for the sake of your siblings the only questioning could never end why her, whom did she do wrong, for what good reason, how could that happen to the kids "so young "others kept saying but never helping.All the questions couldn't stop no matter what i do and alchohol could only lead to sexual immorality never concerned about stable relationship that seemed not to last and has taken our mother away. The fear of love being the enemy made every guy a stray dog so non of the relationship ever worked no matter how i tried,the feeling started to be mutual more about sex than connecting and it grew on me meeting different people with different definition of love that I never understood it was as if i was part of intersection that was never going to end.