1 Glazing.
Andrew was a simple man. A 19 year old college student from a middle class house hold. Privileged but not extra ordinary. Except for one thing.
Andrew was full of himself.
And he knew it. It was after all intentional deception to cope with his current state of affairs and up bringing.
Andrew had had undiagnosed ADHD from an early age. Never able to sit still. Always bored and easily distracted. He never liked to write or read to cram. His mother's honest reaction was to do study sessions with him. You know how those will go. Corporal punishment was a common result.
Luckily Andrew had an ace up his sleeve. Mathematics. The constant change in numbers and different formulas required for you to shift back and forth from was a God send. So he'd learned to think using Math its the only method that made sense. In English lesson noun + verb + noun= sentence. Adjectives weren't allowed in a place because it wouldn't fit the formula for another sentence. Physics was his favorite subject. It reconciled the world to his number logic. Everything made sense. Religion was also his favorite subject. Because there was always a formulae. God killed the people before the flood cause bad. God doesn't kill us cause mercy. Totally different things that had no connection at all. It helped that he was taught from the day he could talk that God was good.
So he had done the math until now. He was in university. He had to pay for college tuition. He was a foreigner so he could not apply for a loan. He did the math in his head.
Resume+(Job application x many times)= Job
So far this formula had not seemed to work. But it needed to so that this one could work.
Many(Job)= money
Money + college = Big job
Big job =money
Money=happy parents.
Money =future
Money= power.
So in his eyes suddenly the world made no sense. Everything was chaotic and so he turned to God.Because:
God=anything
thus
God can= Many(Job)
Results were not conclusive. He started to degrade. His mind could no longer find reason. He was stuck. So he became lazy not because he didn't care about consequence but because he couldn't do anything else that he saw succeeding. In the mind of an ADHD person if it is likely that it doesn't work you should NEVER do it. Or try it and after a few hours without result give up and never do it again.
His self esteem took a hit. His solution?
Self glazing.
He'd pose in the mirror and call himself God's gift to man kind on earth. Tell himself that God can't solve world hunger cause he hasn't allowed him to. Say that the universe came into existence just so that it could experience him.
He unironically believed.
************
"It didn't work." I spoke my tone for lone and without any fight left in it. I stared with some anxiousness and trebitation at the helium container before me.
"God isn't real. I have nothing to fear." Despite my sure tone years of being told of hell and its unspeakable horrors did do a number on people.
God + suicide =Hell
Suicide -God= Rest.
Its simple. It made sense.
'Your equations haven't been working recently.'
"This one will work it has to."
'Well if there is an after life then this choice has infinite weight to it for you and your loved ones. If there isn't in the face of infinity this choice holds zero weight.'
1/infinity=0
pain/infinite time=nothing or meaninglessness.
"Who cares there are an infinite number of religions and each one is just as possible the pascals wager is a fear mongering tool that's been proven faulty reasoning time and time again. Besides if God is real he knows all it takes is to send an Angel. To give me what I need. If he is real and he loves me then I can't commit suicide."
'He has more important things to do.'
"He has infinite power it would take zero effort to intervene."
The voice quieted. It was his voice after all.
With switch opened. Andrew took a deep blissful breath. For his own sake. He was himself to the end. Question is who was he?selfish? or filled with self love?
*********
"Huh? Where am I?"
"Wait...." Suddenly my blood ran cold. Did I not succeed?
"Oh you succeeded alright." A voice spoke from what appeared to be a miasma of colors splashed across space. They bent and twisted in a manner as if through time. Twisting and folding in ways I could not comprehend.
"Hello there. I'm sure you've not heard of me but I would be your creator. You can call me how you wish. You are in my infinity dimension as you humans would call. Here I have given conscious souls throughout the omniverse that meet their end the choice of their after life separate from the lower dimensions. There is of course a choice to re-enter the lower planes. Where you will be able to choose the universe and whether or not to keep your memories."
As the voice spoke a portion in the paradox looked like it was approaching me and leaving at the same time. Yet I felt closer some how. I looked at my body. A simple blue outline. My perception of my soul. Who I believed I truly was.
'What now eternal bliss? How should I spend eternity. Then I remembered.'
Infinite bliss=No change
No change=boring
Boring=suffering
Infinite bliss=suffering
Suffering=no no please daddy Lebonbon
"A mortal like me isn't able to make an eternity worth living for. I want to be reborn."
"Very well the omniverse is boundless and any world you can comprehend and or worlds you can not I have created. I have molded it to have infinite possibilities."
"Even the bad?"
"Yes in your eyes I am the greatest being deserving of glory and the most despicable monster deserving of suffering."
"What about free will?"
The region I assumed to be the being radiated amusement.
"On some level Andrew your not even real. But there is no point any way whether you agonize over this or not. This is your reality. Now choose a world. Choose anything. Heaven, Invincible, War hammer, your exact world except everyone is yellow. The choice is yours."
I thought over what he said but my ADHD riddled soul seemed to be interested in his proposal already thinking of worlds, not bothering to contemplate his words. Like he said there was no point in thinking.
Pointless= boring = suffering=no no please daddy lebonbon
After a while I spoke."A world where all mainstream gods I am familiar with are real.I'd also like to keep my memories." My logic was that if both God and Allah were to be real and truly good in accordance to the lore the world would be perfect while all the others like the Greeks, Romans and Aztecs would add an element of chaos to it allowing for a good world with occasional rare suffering. I should have known it was impossible for two omnipotent beings to exist simultaneously.
"Very well." Then I was blasted out of the dimension of infinities and into the verses. In an infinitely short amount of time I was in the dark. in a sticky fluid. Feeling my sense of touch for the first time in this new life I had hope.
I didn't know that i would be reborn the son of a god. The doom that destroys. The last hope. I didn't know that I had become death the destroyer of worlds.
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