You Have a Choice Too

Okay... I lit another cigarette. Cliff did not seem to have noticed nor minded that. His eyes and thoughts began to dive back to the past.

"With these kind of damage, I would be lying if I say everything was back to normal, okay, great, or forgiven. I had found inner strength and peace from God, but still, I would never forget nor pretend that the past had never happened.

The woman who was supposedly be my mother... she disgusted me. In fact, after what she did to me, I was terrified being with girls... until I met my-ex."

Cliff drew a deep breath and crossed his arms over his chest. He should know that I was looking at him, but he was not returning any eye contact.

"My ex and I, we were together for many good years. We had a great relationship, empowering and supporting. My ex brought out the best in me..." I was slightly jealous at Cliff's word, knowing that another woman had once been the main pillar of his life.

"I was thinking we could really grow old together, quietly without much fanfare. It was dreamlike, almost perfect. Only nothing in this world is ever perfect, right? We were tied down with something else. Like, hiding, you know what I mean? Perfectly in love, but no freedom to it. A satisfying and fulfilling relationship, but no future to it?"

Cliff paused for a long time, his eyes faraway, reminiscing. I felt like I had to say something. I whispered "Cliffy, if everything was so lovely... what happened?"

"One day... I caught my ex cheating on me. Red-handed. With... another girl."

With his arms still across his chest, he turned to lock his eyes with mine, and said "Yes... I had an ex-boyfriend."

It was me who had to look away now. Cliff was watching for my reaction, waiting for my response.

No wonder he was awkward shy among girls. Is that why he restrained himself when we were alone in the hotel room? A thousand thoughts flashed through my mind. Who is he really? Who will he become in the future? Am I just a stepping stone? Who am I to him? What about us? My mind was clouded.

We were silent for a few minutes.

The cigarette wedged loosely between my fingers, soft amber burning at the tip slowly transforming the white stick into a char of grey ash.

I did not know what to say. Heck, I did not even know what to think.

"Thank you for telling me," I whispered.

"I just wanna be honest with you."

"And I truly appreciate that."

I do not mind if my boyfriend had an abusive childhood, or was a gay. In a way, I felt sorry for him. I love who he is now. But truthfully, I am scared of the emotional baggage he was carrying and will it affect who he will be in the future. Should I touch his hand now?

He reached out and held mine first.

"Faye, you have a choice too..."

"Okay... I love you, Cliff. But give me some time to digest all these." That is the best reply I could come up with. I never intend to belittle his past. And I would not destroy the depth of what he had shared to me by saying a lot of meaningless words at the moment.

I stood up from the floor and gave Cliff a brief hug. He was sitting on the floor, stoic. I grabbed my bag and walked out of his apartment. As I close the door, I heard a faint voice from inside "... and I love you."

It wasn't me who needed some time, I walked away to give him time. As far as I am concerned, I will be back.

When you have nothing to lose, nothing to prove and nothing to hide, that is when you are walking in your destiny.