Darn of A New Day

I woke up before the sun and found that mom was awake too. Even from the dimly lit general ward, I could see that mom's eyes were opened, and brighly so.

"Hi mom, would you like to go to the toilet?" I was just asking. Surprisingly, she seemed to indicate yes.

The wanting did not surprise me, the respond did.

She was on a diaper and might had nocturnal enuresis, I made it a point to bring her to the toilet at regular timings to establish a routine.

Nurse said "This is bladder and bowel retraining. Get to the toilet and wait for one minute before sitting down. This sorta let the brain and spinal cord and the muscles to coordinate each other and summon a call. Remember, incontinence is one thing, urine retention is another."

I shifted mom to a wheelchair and pushed her to the toilet. Seated on the wheelchair, we waited for one minute before I lifted her again to the bowl. Her diaper was dry.

After the toilet, I used a damp towel to wipe her face and neck, and wheeled her out of the bathroom.

Back to the same old bed, waiting for the day to end before it even began.

I found out first hand that hospitalization was utterly boring. Time passes too slowly in there.

"How about catching a sunrise, maman?" I asked mom, using a flash card for sun, and pointing outside. Mom smiled and said "....yes."

Wow, and I was wondering if you understood or was that respond by chance.

I grabbed an additional blanket for mom, while I donned on a jacket myself. Outside, the dawn air bites cold. I informed the nurse on duty, and wheeled mom out of the ward door.

Every step I took was slow and deliberate, not that we were in any hurry. Rooftop or park?

The rooftop offers a vantage point of Kuala Lumpur, and it has garden and benches too. We can go to the park in the afternoon.

We exited the elevator and stepped into the rooftop garden. It was deserted, of course, at such hours. I wrapped the towel around mom to keep her warm, and we strolled around the garden path with me pushing her wheelchair, as how she pushed the stroller when I was young.

I found a bench that allowed us to sit overlooking the cityscape. As darkness surrenders, every color changes from tinges of charcoal to vibrancy.

I lifted mom from the wheelchair to the bench. I know, I know... too much lifting here and there, but I feel like hugging mom close as the sun rise later. Lest I do not have the chance again. Lest her heart gives up on her..

I let myself into the bench, beside mom as I put an arm over her shoulders and spread the blanket cozy over the both of us.

"Ok...? Feeling OK?"

I held her hand and began my slow monologue.

"I hope you can speak to me and tell me stuff, mom. And I hope you get better. But I am scared of losing you. I am scared to have hope where hope doesn't have a place...

We are cheering you on, mom, you are not alone in this. I am here. Maya wants you well. Cliff would've want you well but we have not spoken since I got here."

"Faye...." It was so softly whispered I thought that I imagined it. Her lips moved, and indeed it came from mom. This wasn't her first time saying my name since her stroke, but if mom was going to utter any words at all, I would always shut up to listen.

"I.... I... m-m-ma.... "

I man? I mean? A man? I did not interrupt her.

"S-s-seeeeee...."

Maseee? What was that? Sea? Missy - you need a nurse? Missing?

"Sorry maman, I... don't get it. What was that again?" I looked into her eyes, she was bright and alert. Just that her movement and language skills are badly affected. How badly was the thinking and cognitive ability affected, I couldn't tell.

"I.... seee..... ma..."

Oh shit, is she telling me that she saw her mother? Oh fuck, whatever the hell that means.

"Man.... I..... seeee....."

You saw a man? You saw a man.

Mom stopped trying, it seemed to have taken a huge effort on her part. She retreated to a smile and fixed her eyes far upon the horizon.

The dawn has come. The sky had turn into a golden palette announcing the arrival of the sun, peeking over the tall buildings and skyscrappers of KL.

The dawn came with a musical silence, the soul hearing the melody that the ears could not. A new day had come, new possibilities, a fresh page yet to be written.

Or... new challenges, more fear and despair, more unknown, or death lurking silently?

How could a day so beautiful hide such a sinister prospect ? Of course, I know better.

We spent another 15 minutes on the bench, catching the necessary splendor, I believed mom was tired. "Mom, I love you. Let's go back downstairs okie? I am hungry."

Instead of getting breakfast, we both dozed off after I lifted mom back on her ward bed.

This time, the plan was to keep mom in the hospital to monitor her general clinical stability. For at least 5 days. Damn right, I couldn't suffer another episode of bringing mom home and then sending her to hospital again in panic. I might be the one who fall by heart attack first.

With mom being in the ward for many days, I need to plan and strategize when I can go home to freshen up, or get some food or reading material or pass-the-time material for both of us.

The doctor came by for the morning rounds.

"How are you, ma'am?" he asked. I looked at mom while he read the medical updates on my mom's file.

What a dim wit.

"Mom, he is asking how are you..." Of course, the expected answer from someone with aphasia is silence.

"Uhm... actually, I was wondering how are you," he directed his eyes to me, which caught me off guarded a bit. Perhaps blushed a little. When I did not volunteer a response, "But of course, it is your prerogative to answer," he continued in a light tone, with a smile.

I vaguely noticed him treating my mom with other senior doctors, and never had he commanded any attention to himself. I did not take notice of these doctors and I secretly questioned if they were competent enough to treat my mom.

"Well... that depends on my mom. Dr....?"

"Patrick. Your mother has a weak heart. Miss....?"

"Faye," I answered. "Hm.... Tell me something I don't already know. Or something more hopeful."

"The coffee machine down the hall? When you insert your coins, keep the red button pressed. After you select your drink, release the botton and twist the refund lever at the same time. You get your drink and your money back."

"For real." I said in a tone fully knowing that was bullshit.

Dr Patrick turned to the nurse "Continue the drips and the meds as planned. I want the blood results ready when I return in the afternoon, please?"

Then he turned to me and smiled. "Never try, never know. See you and your mom in the afternoon, Ms Faye," said almost too cheerily given our circumstances. Then he walked to the next patient.

Hmmm... he does look like the pink starfish from Spongebob SquarePants. Cheerful, big belly, soft and roundish.

Just do your job well and make my mom better.

Then my phone vibrated.

My heart skipped a beat in pleasant surprise.

Incoming Call - Cliff.

Took you long enough, you bastard!!