Fool

you know, i loved you since i knew you?

I genuinely love when someone try to reach out to me but i dont really know how to handle it. 

That's what do it for me,thats the thing i seek, but the thing i run away from the most.

Love is an occulte thing. 

You can never be sure how long it can last or how strong it can be or what push it to be more.

It just is until it isnt. So simple,so direct,so hard to accept. 

No hard feelings, just no more. 

I never believed it was possible and the truth was so abrupt i'm still tumbling.

From life love to distant friend to stranger. 

I could not accept it. 

Why do i never do or say a thing?

For love birth desire, i so often desire love that i forget to love what i desire.

I need distance to keep an illusion of control but there is no control, and there lie the danger.

My mind is corrupted. 

All those things become one and nothing at all and i dont recognise them anymore.

And if there is any sweetness, a simple touch of tenderness, a pinch of appreciation is enough to birth chaos.

My proud mind cannot afford to incorrectly guess love's dephts, it would create uncontrolable things.

Misunderstanding,an affair or worst, just love!

Things my mind is trained to dodge.

But my heart is starving and doing whatever it want..

Mind lost in useless plans and calculation,an impatient and sidelined heart,a restless and jealous body...

I hunger for so much and so many i couldn't differentiate those feelings.

So i never dare to love what i desire nor desire what i love openly.

When i let it jump, i either hurt the innocent or myself.

I could feel you would be good to me, but what have i that is good for you, when there's only this mess.

I desire to love and being loved, but i haven't just loved,nor even let me be loved for a long time.

I refused the love the others gave me openly so generously, i wanted that 'special' one.

Maybe it was only special because i decided so, who know.

Or maybe i'm a narcisist and everything i love feel special so it isnt special if i dont love it? this brain is too much.

My body is way more honest, so i have to chakle it.

I cannot let you touch me, a simple hug gain dimentions when it came at certain times.

Just so i dont have to tempt my desire, maybe to not confront yours, or the reflection of mine that i fear.

I wouldnt have the will to resist.

So i dont understand the love i feel for others and my heart is losing it. 

Don't want to loose a friendship, even if i wanted more and i fear an other loss of love so much i'm petrified.

Does friendship birth love or love birth friendship? Should be safer to leave it alone anyway.

Too much desire to be desired and to be loved, too fearfull to be honest about it, about me.

Afraid to be rejected, or even accepted for what i appear to be, wich for so long wasnt me.

Afraid of the responsibilities after stealing or breaking something that isnt mine. 

Stuck in my own damn mind.

Thinking about bonds today,more like everyday these days, really, i wonder.

Once, i felt the love i search for today relentlessly.

But as an empath, was that love i once felt, my own, being reflected?

When i feel love from someone, do i only feel mine?

I'm just entertaining the though,i dont believe it.

But if it was, i could say proudly i loved her so strongly it made me fall i guess.

I dont think i can forget about this feeling.

Don't think i want to when i'm not sure to find an other one as memorable as this one.

How comical it is, failing to get the original, searching everywhere for a copy of a failled love. Well, maybe it wasnt failed and just...ended.

Do i really want to whip myself to death? haha.

I may just feel, as the co-author, i never had a chance to be there for the finishing touch so i obsess over it.

Am i obsessing over the characters, the end of the story, am i just a sore looser? My Ocd ? Possibly.

I really don't know. Maybe its a package.

Seem i'm just a kid being refused his toyz in the end, but the world changed for me that day.

Without that bond, there was nothing but cold emptiness.

Nothing valuable anymore. 

What's the point after loosing more than your half?

Every single bit of joy and strengh i though i focused on that futur suddenly loosing the goal.

I closed myself, a raging drying jealous old man was i becoming.

What i think i swore i wouldnt become in my early days like any hot blooded youth would

I loved to listen, to be the shoulder you count on before but...

Often being the receiver of peoples problem, never daring to talk when its you who hurt? i satured.

Blaming others because i'm stuck in myself, i can be so pathetic sometimes.

But bringing everything out is like cleaning your house.

At least i know i knew how to love once and i get to remember some important shit about how to go about it. 

If i did it once, i can do it again.

Better, i know, now that i'm looking at your eyes and not at my feet.

I woke up last year, and it felt awesome. 

The change were so large, and i found them so interesting...

But none other did, it seemed, and it felt so...lonely, even in the middle of those friendship.

Add an other hit straight to the chest to the alienation i felt and i had to fight back negativity once again.

I tried again with a smile and when it was flickering?

Someone i looked up to looked at me, and as simply as that, i'm back to the living.

A simple look at what i have hidden for someone i care to find.

I'm a kind of goonies,i love mysteries and piles of stuff to search.

Maybe i do everything in clues as a giant treasure find game.

Maybe i'm not a seeker but a hidder a bit too strong. Haha. So my shit was found uh.

This is hard to describe, all it made me feel. 

But..for the first time in my life, i think i had a glimpse what 'accomplishment' felt.

I'm so fucking gratefull. Do you know, it is life meaning?

And it's no exageration, it meant it meant something,as little as it was.

It meant i meant something at least for a moment, what i did my whole life wasnt for nothing.

In this fucking world where it feel nothing i did ever meant anything.

In this crazy world where everything important happen like a miracle but always seem to be for others. 

I dont know what you see when you read me, i guess i fear the answer but I really hope there was at least something that can serve you during low times.

Today i must change. I will raise my eyes to yours and those i couldnt see before.

I will pay attention to your expression,to see when you need a listening ear and be here.

I'll play the batknight in the dark, hoping to be there before the signal is needed in the night.

As a comedic relief, know that appart from the mysterious shadow, i can also play the power type:

I wear cape, tights and red panties with my hidden identitie sexy Super sissy...

Dont google that shit-no,Seriously don't! I only love feminity, what can i do?tsk.

Moving on. Still hope i never have to help you, as it would mean nothing going wrong.

Do you know now, how and why i love you but keep away?

You are just a tad too nice to the person i became. Always, even with my blackened heart.

A tad too gentle. A tad too soft. A tad too accepting,A tad too cute.

The kind of tad that melt everything. The kind of tad that is a bit too much.

The normal kindness i though didnt matter, the one i didnt care about, a simple one i didnt know i needed when i received it before.

I have a lot more of person to thanks it seem.But this one is about you and you.

You sent it to me, maybe unknowingly. Maybe deliberately. Dreaming is allowed, rumors says.

As i still can't let myself free reign,a sweet dream it will stay,never to be true.

But you sent me love this one day, i know i will love you till my last one. 

Well, you may never know about it, even if i and now maybe others do.

Because for somebody to win, somebody have to loose.

And i never imagined myself loosing at this particular game, simply because i never lost to anybody.

You never knew that but I went and played for some, and i could be married since 10years already.

I'm fucking strong like that when i get my head out of my ass. A stubborn old mule with weird standart and long lasting self confidence issue

But love isnt something to win over competition. 

I'm sorry i'm selfish,i wouldnt want to share you with anyone.

So i will just keep watching and smiling at you, praying for you and your tribe to be happy and to receive all the love you ever need.

From not out of reach if you ever need it, like a caring friend should, i will be, happy to watch a solid story.

The table will keep turning, The beat will still goes on, just like my love, as everlasting as it ever was.

Now now...i love you but i have to find someone available for mutual care now, i'm a little lonely man xD so !

With all that said, if you're a very kinky girl, the kind you don't take home to mother, the kind i read about in new age magasine,

a lovely loving superfreak, i'm sure we have a lot to talk about. If not but know one, help a brother out.