Our Four Years

I don't know how I feel, honestly this overwhelming feeling in ny chest consumes me everyday and night. Sometimes I feel our past must be the reason behind this pain I can't define, sometimes I wonder whether it's the uncertainty of what could have been. I wonder what my life would have been like if I never met you and loved you.

My soul screams every day and night to hold you and ask you, "Why, why did things out turn like this? Why did you leave me such scars which I myself can't seem to accept? Why does it feel like I don't care but simultaneously it's the only thing I care about? Why does these invisible scars hurt so much that I have forgotten to shed tears?". I don't recognise myself anymore, before you, I was what could've been a trophy to world, but now, after you, I'm just scratched off metal from a trophy. My life has become meaningless, purposeless. The love I had for you has damaged me beyond repair throughout those 4 years.I wonder what would have been if I had never returned on the day I left.

My subconscious asks me everyday "Why did you stay? Why did you not see what you were doing to yourself? Why didn't you see what you were doing to your future self? Why didn't you muster up courage to accept things and move on with your life? Why? Why did you try so hard everyday for somebody who would turn out to be your life's only nightmare? Why?". I have been trying to move on, trying to accept happiness everyday, but each day, all my past decision come back to eat me alive. I willingly lost my youth's prime 4 years to you, just to have myself being caged to the memories and traumas of our 4 years together. It's been 10 months since we've broken up, but those 4 years are still engraved in my heart as bittersweet scars from a tragedy.