110: I can't do it

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"Well... Then keep the ring. Just tell me where master is right now, please," I say in a pleading tone that makes me sick. But the fear of Lilian's refusal grips me, and I'm ready to do whatever it takes to find Xelean.

"Tsk, there we go again.... No, I can't tell you where he is," she says, and I can see from her expression that she's becoming more and more hesitant about whether helping me is really a good idea.

"What? but you said a while ago..." I ask in a barely audible whisper, suddenly losing all hope.

'She was kidding me... It was too good to be true'

I feel tears welling up in my eyes and cover my face with my hands.

If my body continues to experience so many abrupt changes in emotion, I fear that I will pass away.

"Calm down, woman!" exclaims Lilian in exasperation "It seems to me that your body isn't the only thing you're going to have to strengthen before I let you leave in search of Xelean. And that's precisely why I can't tell you where he is right now. Not until you prove to me that you can take care of yourself. Besides, it won't do you any good to know where Xelean is right now because, for any reason, he's been moving around a lot lately. He travels many miles a day, so what's the point of me giving you a direction if I know it'll only be valid for a few hours? That's why you need to learn how to recharge the ring yourself."

...

"I still don't get it. Why are you helping me so much?" I ask, puzzled at the patience and dedication Lilian shows towards the process of teaching me how to control my mana in order to recharge the small ring in the palm of my hand, despite how fruitless this is proving to be.

We are sitting in the basement after our physical training for the day, facing each other, our foreheads touching, and Lilian's hands on my shoulders.

Apparently, sitting like this helps her feel my mana better and guide me with her words.

But we have been doing this for five days now, and so far I have only been able to feel very slightly and for a very short time the flow of energy that Lilian says I should feel.

To make matters worse, I can only train for a few hours during the day, as Lilian only allows me to do so after our routine of physical training, as she wants to keep what we are doing a secret.

Still, every day, when I go back to my room, I keep trying to control my mana on my own until I fall asleep from accumulated fatigue.

But, without Lilian's guidance, it's just a boring, monotonous workout that makes my head hurt and my mind exhausted.

"I am helping you because Xelean is my friend and an important ally, and right now he needs help. Besides... I don't know if you know this, but he's had a life touched by tragedy since he was a little boy.... And that's partly my fault." she says, and her gaze clouds for a moment.

"What do you mean?" I ask, pulling my forehead away from Lilian's so I can look at her face better.

"Nothing.... Focus! You're letting your mind wander when it should be focused on the ring!" she says, looking irritated for the first time since we started this kind of training. "Truth be told, I expected a lot more from Xelean's partner... but I guess no one can be like him."

"No! I can do it," I say, frowning and straining with all my might in order to feel whatever it is I should be feeling so I can recharge the ring, but I only get a sickening feeling of dizziness that begins to overtake me.

Lilian stares at me for a few seconds and says, frowning and returning to her usual calm tone. "No, you can't. At least, not now. We should stop for today"

"What? no! No! I can do it, please," I say, as suddenly the pent-up frustration and helplessness begin to shake my body.

"No." says Lilian, snatching the ring from the palm of my hand and looking at me with concern. "Haa.... Sorry, I shouldn't have said that. I wanted to see if pushing you a little would have an effect, but my idea backfired.... You've tried to achieve by force a process that should be guided by another kind of power, and you've hurt yourself. Look, your nose is bleeding."

After hearing those words, I put my hand to my nose and see that they were true.

I was so focused on trying to feel my mana that I hadn't noticed the sensation of the warm liquid on my skin, already making its way towards my upper lip.

Sighing again, Lilian pulls a white handkerchief out of her pocket and hands it to me, so I can stop the bleeding.

"Raise your head and look up at the ceiling; that will help it stop." She says, rubbing her forehead with her index finger and thumb as she looks at me.

"Haa... Going back to what I was saying earlier. This is just my assumption, but I believe that Xelean couldn't bear the thought of seeing you dead, and that's why he fled the place. I don't think it had anything to do with fear of being seen as a criminal, as Charity believes. Xelean is not like that. In his mind, politics, laws, and money are very secondary and of little value...."

Then she sighs and, after a few seconds, continues speaking.

"But at the moment he saw you, he had already received an emotional blow with the death of his friend Joaquin a few days ago. I think you knew him, didn't you? Ha… The point is… Xelean is very strong, very intelligent, and very tough physically. But in matters of emotional stability... Anyway, he's done this before when a member of his old group died, and that's why I'm not surprised he acted the same way again upon seeing you apparently dead."

"But I didn't die," I say, puzzled by this new way of analyzing master's behavior.

'I never would have thought that Xelean could be so affected by something happening to me.... He always seems to be so strong and self-confident.... But it's also true that, at that moment during the tournament when Joaquín mentioned master's former companions, Xelean was in a melancholy and gloomy mood for the rest of the day...'

"Yes, but you probably seemed dead..." she says, stretching her legs on the floor.

"From what I was told, you were hardly breathing, and your body was full of wounds. Some of them were already quite healed thanks to the potions I guess he must have given you…"

She says and remains thoughtful for a few seconds.

"but to the naked eye, it probably looked like they weren't working due to the large amount of blood your body was losing. I think I'm not wrong in saying that if Xelean had arrived a few minutes later, you would have died due to blood loss. He must have made you drink a potion when you were unconscious, and that helped you recover, albeit very slowly."

"Ahh..." I say, and suddenly a doubt takes form in my mind "The previous time he decided to leave? How long did it take him to come back?"

"According to the information I got, he was away from everyone he knew for a little over 8 months." says Lilian calmly.

At those words, my heart cringes at the thought of the possibility of not seeing Xelean for so long.

"And most of the time, I have no idea where he was.... That was the main reason I decided to give him the pair of this ring, even though I couldn't tell him directly. Since I met him, I found him to be an extraordinary person, and that's why I always tried to keep myself informed about everything about him...."

She says and again falls silent for a few seconds.

"And I did well. Xelean is a person too powerful to be left without vigilance. At the rate at which he is getting stronger, in a few years his presence alone would put an entire territory at risk."

"Ahh" I say, and suddenly feel pain tightening in my chest as I think that probably I will never be on par with master "Lilian, about what you said earlier… about expecting more from me for being..."

"Don't worry about that!" she exclaims, losing her composure again for a moment. "I told you it was my fault."

"No, I just wonder... Erm... Do you know how long it took master to learn how to control his mana?" I ask, trying not to let the anxiety I feel show in my voice.

"Ahh," she says distractedly, getting up from the floor and offering me her hand to help me up. "Yes, I know. It was one of the things that surprised me the most when I first heard about him."

"H-how long?" I ask, accepting the help and picking myself up off the ground, as I feel hesitant about whether I really want to know the answer.

"Hmm... I don't know if I should tell you, considering... but who cares, we can't be any worse off than we are already. He needed a few minutes to do it," she says.

Suddenly, I have the feeling that the ground beneath my feet disappears and that I'm falling into an endless void of darkness, while Xelean looks down at me from above and seems to be farther and farther away.