12

The next day, I went to Bataan again. But this time hindi para habulin si Miru, hindi para pilitin siyang umuwi, hindi para sa ibang tao. Kundi para sa sarili ko. I was hesitant to leave Miru, but mommy assured me na if something happens she'll call me agad.

Nandito ako ngayon sa cottage ko. Wala akong balak lumabas para sa mga activities. I can't do zip line, I can't do inflatable slides, I can't do rock climbing, i can't do jungle bars, i can't do swimming. I can't do all those things without Miru. Kahit na may harness, kahit na may mga lifeguards, kahit pa may life jacket I just can't do it. Not without Miru. I only feel safe when I'm with him.

But when night came, lumabas na ako. Medyo gutom na rin ako. Kaya I went to the mini restaurant. This was actually the same resort na pinuntahan namin ni Miru before. Same cottage pa nga ako eh but this time I didn't payed double just so I could stay near Miru's cottage. Kasi ngayon, mag-isa nalang ako.

After eating naglakad lakad ako sa dalampasigan. Wala masyadong tao dito, probably because it's a bit cold here at wala din masyadong turista.

"Hi. Uhm uupo ka?" I asked the lady.

She only nodded.

"Pwede maki upo na rin?" I asked again

"Sure. Apat naman yung silya eh kaya okay lang" she said.

I smiled and sat down. I looked at the waves as I reminisce the talk Miru and I had. He's really persistent on not continuing his treatment. Gusto na niyang sumuko, gusto na niyang magpahinga. Pero kaya ko ba? Kaya ko ba na wala siya?

Tears are slowly falling down from my eyes. Tears that I tried so hard to stop for the past few days. Pinilit kong huwag umiyak sa harap ni Miru pagkatapos naming mag away dahil alam ko nahihirapan na din siya. I tried so hard to be strong in front of him just so he would know na I'm really serious when I said na ako ang lalaban para sa aming dalawa kung pagod na siya. Kailangan kong lumaban para sa–

"Uhm do you want me to leave you alone here? Maybe you want to be alone?" The lady asked me.

I stared at her. I can see tiredness in her eyes. Maybe she also came here for, I don't know? Validation?

"I'm sorry. Can you not leave me? Pagod na akong maiwan eh" I said chuckling lightly.

I tried to laugh it all out pero in the end umiyak na lang ako. I absentmindedly told her my situation. I don't know but I feel comfortable around her. I don't know her story though pero alam ko may mabigat din siyang dinadala. I can feel it.

"Alam mo yung kahit pagod na pagod na ako, lumaban pa rin ako kasi yun yung ipinangako ko sa kanya? Na kahit ang sakit sakit na makita siyang nahihirapan, hindi pa rin ako sumusuko kasi mahal na mahal ko siya.

Pero bakit siya ganun? Bakit parang ang dali sa kanya na isuko nalang ang lahat. Imagine almost 6 months of chemo saka siya susuko? Kung kailan handa akong lumaban kasama siya, kung kailan kaya kong isakripisyo lahat para sa kanya saka siya susuko?"

I wiped my tears and breathed slowly.

"Tangina naman eh hindi ko tuloy alam kung ano bang naging kasalanan ko para parusahan ako ng ganito. Ano bang masamang nagawa ko para gawin sa akin ito?

Nagmamahal lang naman ako ah

Mahirap ba yung hinihingi ko? Mahirap bang ibigay ang kaligayahan na hangad ko? Am I not worthy to be happy?"

Iyak lang ako ng iyak. The lady didn't said anything, she was just there listening to all my rants in life. I didn't feel alone though, her presence is enough for me to not feel alone.

"Hey sorry ha, ngayon lang tayo nagkakilala pero eto kadramahan na ng buhay ko ang kinu-kwento ko" I said chuckling a little just so I could revive the light atmosphere.

She smiled. "It's okay. Hindi lang naman ikaw yung mayroong madrama na buhay eh"

I nodded. I wanted to ask her to elaborate pero I'm not that eager too. I mean, ako choice kong sabihin sa kanya ang problema ko but she is not entitled to tell me her story. That's still her choice.

"Alam mo, ako, I already lost that special person in my life. I already lost the one I loved so much." She said.

Hindi ako sumagot. Tinignan ko lang siya.

"Aren't you going to ask me who or what or whatever?" She said laughing a bit.

"No. I mean that's your personal life, you're the one whose gonna decide if you'll tell me or not."

"Ang cute mo haha pag ibang tao tinatanong agad ako eh but I appreciate you respecting my privacy. But to be fair, since you told me your story then let me share mine as well." She said.

I smiled and nodded urging him to continue.

"His name was Iñigo. We've been in a relationship for four years. Uhm he's a licensed engineer and he's gonna be a father soon." She said.

My forehead creases.

"Wait, you're pregnant?" I asked.

She laughed a little. "No."

"I don't–" I wasn't able to finish what I want to say when she stopped me.

"It's not me whose pregnant... uhm he got other girl pregnant... his uhm friend." She said.

I was rooted at where I am. Unable to say anything. Like what the hell? Four years in a relationship tapos ganun lang? Naka buntis ng ibang babae? Tangina pag si Miru yan bubugbugin ko siya.

"He tried to make things right, to you know fix everything... but the only way to fix it is when he accept what has happened.

He wanted us to get back together but I refused. Kung yung pagtataksil lang siguro niya kaya ko pang patawarin siguro pero yung... yung... may bata na kasi eh"

She said chuckling with pain. Kumawala na rin ang mga luha sa mga mata niya. She wiped her tears right away and smiled ate me.

"So ayun, uhm bago ako pumunta dito, nagka-usap pa kami. Pero I already ended everything. I ended our relationship inside the church kung saan una niyang pinangako na ako lang ang mamahalin niya at kung saan siya sumumpa na hinding hindi niya ako sasaktan.

Funny thing is, nasasaktan pa rin ako... hanggang ngayon haha but I'll be fine. Soon!"

She said as if she's encouraging herself.

"I think that's the right thing to do. Setting him free. I admire you for being brave to face your end" I said.

"Ikaw? When will you face it?" My forehead creases. "When will you face his end?"

I looked away. Sandali naman. Diba siya yung topic bakit napunta sa akin bigla.

"You know he's hurting right? Sabi mo nga kanina ayaw talaga niyang magpa-gamot pero pinilit mo siya kaya pumayag siya. From my perspective, he really did tried his best to survive leukemia. I guess he got fed up with medications?

Paano kung talagang nahihirapan na siya? Paano kung gusto na niya talagang magpahinga? Papayagan mo ba siya? Or you'll still force him to do what you want? What about what he wanted? Are you willing to compromise?"

Those questions got me awake for hours. It's past 4 in the morning pero eto ako nandito pa din sa dalampasigan nakatingin sa kalakawan. Isla already went back inside her cottage, I didn't stopped her though. Kailangan ko ring mapag-isa.

Paano nga ba kung talagang nahihirapan na siya? What if simula pa lang nahihirapan na siya? What if–

Binalikan ko lahat ng nangyari. From us being best friends to lovers, then he broke up with me, I followed him here at Bataan, then he told me he has leukemia, then we got married, and then... and then he suddenly wanted to give up.

Suddenly? Is it really sudden? What if matagal na niyang gustong itigil ang medications niya pero dahil sa akin nagpatuloy pa rin siya?

"We both knew that she was already in a critical condition pero magmatigas pa rin ako."

I heard dad's voice inside my head.

We both knew that she was already in a critical condition pero magmatigas pa rin ako.

"I already knew that he was in a critical condition pero nagmatigas pa rin ako."

I covered my mouth after I said that. Did I just put myself on dad's shoes? That's right, Miru is already in a critical condition bago ko pa malaman ang lahat. And he came here in Bataan before para saan? To enjoy? To experience life?

To enjoy! To experience life! Tama! He knew he doesn't have a lot of time left so he did everything just so he could do things he wanted to do bago siya...

Oh my God Bella! Bakit ngayon mo lang na'isip yun?! Bakit hindi ko kaagad naisip that Miru wanted to enjoy the remaining days of his life by exploring and by doing what makes him happy?! And there I was forbidding him to do those things and worse forcing him to take his medication. Forcing him to go to the hospital to have his check-up. Forcing him to do chemotherapy. How cruel can I get?

My Miru suffered a lot. He tried his best to cope up and survive leukemia. He tried his best to be alive just so he could fulfill his promises to me. My Miru loved me so much that he's willing to sacrifice everything for me.

I fully understand now. I understand where he's coming from, I understand his arguments.

I wiped my tears and got up. I needed to go see Miru. I needed to go home to him.

***

:)