11

After my talk with Miru, hindi na ulit kami nagka usap tungkol sa chemo niya. Nagmamatigas pa rin siya. Ayaw niya nang magpa chemo. Pero ako at si mommy gusto pa namin. Hindi pa rin kami sumusuko.

But Miru's hard headed. Kaya naman I give him cold shoulders. I only talk to him whenever he needs to eat and take his medicines. Other than that, wala na kaming interaction sa isa't isa.

I got busy with work. Konti nalang talaga aalis na ako sa firm na ito. Pinag-iinitan ako ng mga arkitekto dito. Hindi ko naman alam kung bakit. If it weren't for Miru's request na manatili muna ako dito then matagal na sana akong umalis sa firm na 'to.

December na, nagkalat na ang mga kantang pang pasko. But I didn't felt the spirit of christmas. Naglagay na rin ng mga chistmas decors sa bahay, tinulungan ko rin si daddy na mag decorate sa bahay namin.

"What did Lucy said?"

Daddy asked when I told him about what's happening between me and Miru.

I sighed. "Wala naman. Naiintindihan niya naman ako eh both of us wanted the same thing. Si Miru lang talaga ang nagmamatigas."

"Don't you think it's time to surrender? Diba in the first place ayaw naman talaga ni Miru na magpagamot? Pinilit mo siya kaya pumayag siya."

I looked at dad. My forehead creases as my brows arked a bit.

"What are you saying dad? Na pumayag lang si Miru na magpagamot dahil pinilit ko siya? Hindi dahil gusto niyang gumaling?" I asked aggressively.

"Hindi ba?"

"Don't start daddy. I'm not in the mood to argue."

I said. Pagkatapos ay tumayo ako at tumalikod na sa kanya.

"You're just delaying the inevitable Bella." He said.

I looked back at him and waited for whatever he wanted to say.

"He did what you want. To get treated. Sinubukan naman niya diba? Even if it's against his will, sinubukan pa din niya para sa'yo. Pero ngayon gusto na niyang sumuko kasi pagod na siya. Bakit hindi mo siya pagbigyan?"

"Can you hear yourself dad? I'm not the enemy here. But why are you making me feel like I'm the bad guy?

Kasalanan ko ba kung gusto kong lumaban siya? Kasalanan ko ba na gusto kong gumaling siya?"

I asked him. Unti unti nanamang namumuo ang mga luha sa mga mata ko. These past few days parati nalang akong umiiyak. Pagod na pagod na rin naman ako pero wala akong balak sumuko. Hindi ako pwedeng sumuko. Hindi pwede kasi...

"Sa lahat dad dapat ikaw yung nakakaintindi sa akin. Diba, ganito din si mommy noon? She wanted to rest but you insisted that she should get treated. Pero diba nagmatigas parin si mommy. Kaya nga noong namatay siya sising sisi ka kasi you know you could have done more. You know you could have saved her if only pinilit mo siya edi sana buhay pa siya hanggang ngayon!"

He shooked his head.

"No anak, mali ka. Totoong nagsisisi ako pero yun ay dahil pinilit ko siyang gawin ang isang bagay na ayaw niya. She doesn't want to be treated because she wanted to die naturally. Pero dahil pinilit ko siya, pumayag nalang siya. I am shamefully admitting that I guilt trap your mother. She died in a hospital na puno ng nakakabit na machines sa katawan niya.

And before she finally closed her eyes for good, I saw her sufferings. I saw pain and regret."

Daddy wiped his tears. Everything that happened to mommy was so fresh for him. I didn't know what really happened before. Ang alam ko lang ayaw ni mommy na magpagamot pero pinilit siya ni daddy kaya pumayag siya. She died in the hospital, she died without given the chance to glanced at me.

"I was so guilty kasi imbis na i'enjoy niya ang mga nalalabing araw niya sa mundo, ayun siya pabalik balik sa hospital upang magpagamot. We both knew that she was already in a critical condition pero magmatigas pa rin ako.

Anak if I could only bring back the time, I would not force her like what I did before. I would gladly accept her decision and help her do the things she wanted to do before she die.

Please anak don't make the same mistake that I did. Don't guilt trap your husband just so you could make him follow what you wanted. Isipin mo rin kung ano ang gusto niya at kung bakit gusto niyang gawin ang mga bagay na yun."

After saying that, daddy walked towards me and hugged me tightly before letting me go.

____

"Are you sure it's okay myy?"

I asked mommy Lucy. She's quite aware that Miru and I aren't talking. I'm still angry, not at him pero sa mga desisyon niya. He doesn't want to be treated anymore and I can't accept that.

"Yes Bella, that's what you need. At saka two days lang naman diba?" She asked.

"I can't leave Miru for two days myy"

She smiled and hold my hands. "Both of you needed to take a break, for a while. Miru asked me to force you to take a vacation. He's worried you know."

I sighed. "Ako rin naman eh. Nakatira nga kami sa iisang bahay pero hindi naman kami nag-uusap. We're both so close to each other yet so far."

"That's why, tanggapin mo na yung two-day vacation. I'll try my hardest to talk to Miru about the chemo." Mommy Lucy said. "But if ayaw na niya talaga... siguro... let's not force him?"

I didn't reacted. Miru wanted to stop the treatment, daddy already accepted Miru's decisions, and now mommy Lucy is slowly loosing hope. Ako nalang ba talaga ang may gustong lumaban?

"Anyway, uhm pag-usapan nalang natin pagbalik mo. You really need to take a break from all of this Bella."

I nodded. Ayoko nang makipag talo. Pagod na pagod na ako.

"Oh Miru, anak, we thought you're already sleeping?"

I gazed at mommy Lucy before looking at Miru. He's standing at the last step on the stairs. I looked down at the table when he looked at me.

"Uhm I'll go upstairs na. Good night Bella." Mommy Lucy said and then gave me a kiss on the forehead. Then he went towards Miru ang give him a kiss on forehead as well. "Good night anak."

After that Miru went towards me and seated at the chair next to mine.

"Why are you still awake?" I asked without looking at him.

"I was waiting for you." He said. "I can't sleep without you by my side."

I nodded. "Okay. Then let's go back to our room so you could rest na"

Bumalik na kami sa kwarto. Inaalalayan ko siya kasi medyo nanghihina na siya. Pagdating namin sa kwarto pinahiga ko kaagad siya. But he refused, umupo lang siya sa kama. He tapped the space next to him signalling me to sit beside him. And so I did. He immediately hugged me pagkalapit ko sa kanya. He bore his head on my shoulder, I can feel him breathing heavily.

"I'll be leaving tomorrow." I said.

He didn't responded. So I continued talking.

"Two days lang naman. After that babalik agad ako. Truth is ayokong iwan ka dito... but mommy Lucy forced me saying na we both needed a break... Kaya pumayag nalang ako."

Hindi pa rin siya nagsasalita. But his breathing relaxed a bit.

"Is it okay with you?" I asked. "Kasi kung hindi, hindi ako tutuloy."

He shooked his head. "I'll be fine. You take your vacation, nandito naman si mommy para alalayan ako. You take a rest, I'll stay here. Waiting."

***

:)