10

"Excuse me, where can I find coloring materials for render and also A3 size papers?"

I asked the saleslady. Kanina pa kasi ako paikot-ikot dito sa national bookstore pero hindi ko makita ang hinahanap ko.

"Ay wala na po kaming stock ng A3 size papers ma'am tapos yung para sa render naman po nadoon po sa pinakadulo" she said as she pointed at my left side.

I thanked her before going towards the direction that she pointed. Nagmamadali na ako kasi malapit nang mag close ang nb. Past seven na din kasi kaya baka nag-aalala na ngayon si Miru. Speaking of Miru, everything went well after our wedding. His chemotherapy is doing good. We also stayed at their house kasi ayaw naman namin na iwan si tita ng mag-isa doon.

Two weeks after our wedding, nakahanap agad ako ng firm para sa apprenticeship ko. Sir Ino, our professor in college helped me. Nalaman kasi niya ang condition ni Miru, it turned out na pamangkin pala niya si Miru. Sir Ino is the half brother of his mother. Small world nga naman.

"Eto na po ba lahat ma'am?" The cashier asked.

I smiled and nodded. After that nagmadali na akong maka-uwi.

I always see to it na maka-uwi na ako before seven. Pero pahirapan talaga lalo na't nagsisimula palang ako sa apprenticeship ko at ang dami na agad trabaho na binibigay sa akin. Two months pa lang ako sa firm pero tambak na tambak na ako ng trabaho.

I arrived home almost nine pm. Si mommy Lucy ang sumalubong sa akin. She asked me kung bakit ako natagalan kaya naman sinabi ko sa kanya ang dahilan. After that umakyat na ako sa kwarto namin ni Miru. I was expecting to see a sleeping Miru pero nakita ko siya sa study table, sketching something.

"Love, why are you still awake?" I asked.

Sinarado niya agad ang sketching notebook niya nung narinig niya ang boses ko. That made my forehead creased a bit. He then walked towards me, kissed me softly and hugged me tightly.

"Hi love, bakit ngayon ka lang?" He asked.

"Late na natapos sa opisina eh, tapos pumunta pa akong nb para bumili ng coloring materials." I said. I raised my brows and asked him. "Ikaw, bakit gising ka pa? Aren't you supposed to sleep early?"

"I was waiting for you." He said.

"Uhuh then what were you doing?" I asked as I glanced at the study table.

He shooked his head. "Nothing love."

I eyed him suspiciously. He chuckled and asked me about work to divert my attention.

___

The next morning, saturday, pumunta kami sa hospital for his check up. I'm expecting some improvement sa health ni Miru. But the doctor said otherwise.

"What do you mean walang improvement? Paanong wala?" I asked the doctor.

"Love" Miru said slowly, stopping me as I was about to react violently. He hold my hand and interwined our fingers.

"Doc I don't understand." I said calmly. "Ginawa naman natin lahat ng procedures diba? Sinunod naman namin lahat ng dapat gawin, iniwasan din namin lahat ng bawal. Bakit ganun pa rin? Hindi ko maintindihan."

"Bella, stage 3 leukemia is the most lethal form of acute myeloid leukemia. Even with aggressive chemotherapy pwede pa ring hindi magbago ang resulta ng naunang diagnosis. Actually, even if the patient undergo series of chemotherapy, pwede pa rin lumala ang condition nito." The doctor said.

"Then what can you suggest doc?" I asked.

"I suggest for Miru to take intensive chemotherapy, it'll try to kill his leukemia cells and put the cancer into remission. If it'll be successful, then we'll follow-up a bone-marrow transplant that can offer a possible cure."

"Then do it. Do it right away before–"

"It's risky Bella. This treatment is recommended only for patients with high risk of relapse because the procedure can cause severe complications, it can also cause death. Plus there are only 20% to 30% of patients who achieved remission. The rest... they didn't survived."

I gasped at that. Almost six months of chemo, almost six months of coming back and forth from the hospital tapos wala pa ring pagbabago?

"Thank you doctor. Pag-uusapan muna namin to. We'll just call you when we decided." Miru said.

I looked at him before nodding at the doctor. On our way home walang nagsasalita. I was the one driving, he's seated at the shutgon staring at nowhere.

When we arrived home nauna na siyang pumasok sa bahay. Normally, hihintayin pa niya ako pero ngayon pumasok agad siya. I followed him only to find out that he's at the comfort room. I was about to knock when I heard him vomiting. I tried to open the door pero naka lock.

"Love? Are you okay?" I asked.

"Love? Open the door please."

I was knocking non-stop. I can still hear him vomiting. Naiiyak na ako. I went to the drawer to find the keys. When I was about to open the door, bumukas naman ito at lumabas si Miru. He's so pale. Pinuntahan ko agad siya.

"Love what's wrong? Please tell me?"

He smiled weakly and said "Nothing love"

Then he went towards the bed, humiga siya at tinabunan ng kumot ang buong katawan. I went towards him and sat down at the bed.

"Love, please tell me. Saan ang masakit?"

"Nothing love" he said. "Can you... can you please leave me alone first?"

As much as I don't want to, I agreed. Maybe he's dwelling on what the doctor said. I planned to push through the intensive chemotherapy. 30% achieved remission, that's enough for me to believe na gagaling si Miru.

During dinner sobrang tahimik ni Miru, konti lang din ang kina-kain niya. Mommy Lucy felt that kaya naman she keeps on looking at me, asking for explanation. Pero I remained silent. Mamaya ko na sasabihin sa kanya.

"Miru, what did the doctor said?" Mommy Lucy asked.

"Same" he answered.

Kumunot ang noo ni mommy. She looked at me again. I just smiled at her and didn't said anything. After that nagpaalam na si Miru na matutulog na siya. We didn't stop him. I didn't stop him. He needed to rest. Bukas ko nalang sasabihin sa kanya ang mga plano ko.

While I was helping yaya in washing the dishes, mommy Lucy and I talked about the condition of Miru. I told her about the results of his check-up and the reluctant suggestion of the doctor.

"What did you tell him?" She asked.

"Miru told him na pag-uusapan pa natin. But after that hindi na niya ako kina-usap. I don't know myy but I have this feeling na aayawan ni Miru ang panibagong chemo." I told her honestly.

"If so, papayag ka ba?" She asked.

I stopped for a moment and then shooked my head afterwards.

"No myy, hindi. Intensive chemo is what he needs right now." I said.

The next few days were a bit complicated. Miru avoided talking to me. Though he wasn't literally avoiding me, but he's avoiding the topic about chemo. I felt that. Ayaw niyang pag-usapan. Whenever I open the topic magdadahilan siya na sumasakit ang ulo niya, na gusto niya nang matulog, na may gagawin pa daw siya. He gave me nonsense reasons just so he could avoid talking about his health.

Two weeks had past at ganun pa rin. Napupuno na ako kaya naman i forced him to talk to me seriously.

"Miru please let's talk. We need to schedule your–"

"Inaantok na ako"

And he's back again at his idiotic reasons.

"Miru–"

"Love matutulog na ako–"

"Miru!" I shouted. " Pwede bang mag-usap tayo?! Punong puno na ako sa kaka reason out mo. Punong puno na ako sa mga dahilan mo!"

He stopped walking ang faced me.

"Can you please take a seat and hear me out?" I asked, calmly this time.

He nodded and followed. He is now seated in front of me. Nandito kami ngayon sa living room. Wala si mommy, nasa cafe kaya kaming dalawa lang pati ang yaya nila.

"We need to schedule your next chemo. Hindi natin pwedeng patagalin yun."

"Love, what if ayoko? What if ayoko nang magpa chemo?" He asked.

My forehead creases. I stared at him for a couple of seconds and then looked away.

"What do you mean ayaw mo na? Bakit?"

"What if pagod na ako?"

I looked at him again and chuckled a bit. Pagod? Siya lang ba?

"What if ayoko nang bumalik ng hospital? Kasi pagod na ako?"

"Pagod ka na? Saan... saan ka pagod?"

"What if pag–"

"Drop the what if Miru"

He sighed. "Love, pagod na ako. Ayoko nang magpabalik balik sa hospital. Ayoko nang magpa chemo. Gusto ko nang... magpahinga."

Tumulo ang luha ko. Six months of battling with Leukemia tapos susuko na siya? I chuckled painfully.

"Pagod ka na? Sa tingin mo ba ikaw lang? Kasi ako matagal na akong pagod pero lumalaban pa rin ako diba. Lumalaban pa rin ako dahil sa'yo. Pagod na pagod na ako sa trabaho ko kasi iniipit ako ng mga arkitekto sa firm. Gusto ko nang umalis doon pero dahil sinabi mo na tiisin ko muna kasi diba... baka tine-test lang nila ako. So I stayed there. Kahit ayoko na, I stayed there becuse that's what you wanted.

And I needed money para makapag-bigay man lang ako kay mommy sa pang araw-araw natin, para sa mga gamot mo, para sa pinapagawa nating bahay, para sa–"

He cut me off.

"Love exactly. Ang dami mong binabayaran. Kahit sinabihan kana ni mommy na okay lang wag ka nang magbigay para sa grocery pero nagbibigay ka pa rin, sinabihan na kita na wag mo nang intindihin ang mga gamot ko kasi may pera naman ako pero nagmamatigas ka pa rin, sinabihan na kita na kung maari wag na muna tayong magpa tayo ng bahay kasi pwede namang dito na muna tayo tumira pero still, you insisted.

Yun yung problema sa'yo. You keep on insisting things that didn't really matter. That aren't really relevant.

Ayoko na magpa chemo kasi nakikita kong nahihirapan ka na"

"No! Ginagawa mo lang na dahilan yan! Money is never an issue Miru alam mo yan! Even if chemotherapy would cause millions wala akong pakealam! Kasi hindi naman yun ang concern ko eh your health is my top priority! Kaya hindi ako titigil, hindi tayo titigil hanggang sa gumaling ka!"

I wiped my tears.

"Love I know that. Pero pwede bang tama na? Kasi pagod na pagod na ako, gusto ko na talagang magpahinga..."

"Naririnig mo ba ang sarili mo? Gusto mo nang magpahinga? Sumusuko ka na ba? Iiwan mo ako?"

"We're just delaying the inevitable"

I shooked my head. Covered my face with my hands as I cry. Ang sakit sakit malaman na ayaw na niyang lumaban. Hindi pwede. Hindi niya ako pwedeng iwan na lang basta basta.

"Love–"

I stopped him. Wiped my tears first and then faced him.

"No. You're gonna push through intensive chemotherapy, you're not gonna stop not until you fully recover.

You promised remember, in our wedding? You promised that you're gonna do everything just so you could survive leukemia. You promised me. You promised."

***

:)