07

Umalis ako. I booked a flight pabalik ng Cebu. But when I arrived at Cebu dumeretso ako sa Moalboal. This is far from the city and it would take about, I don't know 4-5 hours away?

Sa totoo lang ayokong iwan si Miru doon ng mag-isa so I called tita and tell her na babalik na akong Cebu at kung pwede sana ay sunduin niya si Miru sa Bataan. It's not safe for him to travel alone lalo na at may sakit pala siya.

As much as I don't want to leave him, I have to. I needed to recollect myself. I needed to reflect on everything that has happened. All those information I gathered kept me awake for hours. Na kahit pagod na pagod na ako ay hindi pa rin ako nakakatulog.

I did my breathing exercise as I watched the waves of Moalboal. The thing about beaches is that it gives you a therapeutic effect. Na kahit hindi ako marunong lumangoy ay gustong gusto ko ang dagat. As I watched the waves come and go na-iisip ko si Miru.

He broke up with me not because he didn't love me anymore, not because he's tired of me, not because he really wanted to end everything between us. But because he's sick. Dahil ayaw niyang may maiwan. How selfless is that? Letting go of someone you love just so you wouldn't bother them with your illness.

But I don't want that. I don't want us to be apart. I love him so much that I'm willing to stay beside him as he battles with Leukemia. I know he already said na he won't do chemo pero I know mapipilit ko siya. I just needed to give him a good reason ro fight.

I searched a lot about Acute Myeloid Leukemia. It is the most aggressive type of leukemia pala and you needed to undergo standard to aggressive chemotherapy just so you could complete the first step to have a chance to cure it. It won't be easy kaya siguro ayaw ni Miru. Pero I won't leave him. I'm gonna fight with him. Alam ko kaya kong kumbinsihin si Miru. I just needed to be strong for him, for us.

On my third day here in Moalboal tita Lucy called saying na isinugod nila sa ospial si Miru. Dali dali akong bumalik sa Cebu City. Dumiretso na rin ako sa hospital. Wala na akong pake'alam sa itsura ko ngayon. Ang importante sa akin ay ang makita si Miru! I needed to make sure he's safe! Hindi ka pwedeng mawala Miru! Not now! Hindi ngayon na naibalik ko na ang lakas ko.

"Bella" tita said as she watched me walking towards her. She's standing outside a room. Probably Miru's room.

I hugged her tightly. "Nasaan po si Miru?"

"Nasa loob, tinitingnan pa ng doctor."

I nodded. I hold tita's hand as we waited for the doctor to come out of Miru's room. Minutes after bumukas ang pinto at sinalubong kami ng isang doctor at nurse. She slowly closed the door and faced us.

"How's my son?" Tita asked.

"I'm gonna be honest with you Mrs. Guerrero. Miru's condition is not doing really well. Nanghihina na siya. Probably because he's not receiving any treatment kahit na diagnosed na siya ng leukemia." The doctor said. "I highly recommend for him to start doing chemo. Kasi kung patatagalin pa natin 'to baka mas lalong... umiksi ang oras niya."

I gasped at that. "So he is still not receiving any treatments as of the moment?"

The doctor looked at me. "We already give him decitabine. It is less toxic than standard chemo but it's not a cure... We can't do chemotherapy on patients who refuse to receive one. So do your best to convince him before it's too late."

We thanked the doctor before going inside Miru's room. Lumapit agad ako sa kanya. That is why he looked different. Na kahit anong isip ko hindi ko ma pinpoint kung ano ang nag-iba sa kanya. Ito na pala. He looked slimmer than before. And when we were at the Inflatable Island, I saw some bruises on his arms. Nung hinawakan din niya ako para kumain ng agahan medyo mainit din siya.

Weight lose, bruises, fever. Those are symptoms of leukemia. Bakit hindi ko agad na-isip yun?! Why weren't I able to notice the changes in Miru's physical appearance?! I touched the bruise on his right arm. There it is. Ito yung nakita ko sa Bataan. Bakit hindi ko binigyan agad 'to ng atensyon? Am I that blind not to notice all the evidences?

After an hour of just staring at the sleeping Miru, I excused myself. I went to the chapel of the hospital. I needed to talked to Him. He's my last resort.

When I arrived at the chapel, I kneeled down and prayed silently. Pagkatapos ay umupo ako at nakatingin lang sa crucifix.

"Bakit naman ganon?" I asked the crucifix. "Mabait naman si Miru ah, medyo makulit lang yun pero wala naman tinapakang tao yun eh."

I wiped my tears away and continued.

"Bakit kailangang siya pa? Marami namang masasamang tao diyan na...na mas may karapatang magdusa. Maraming taong gusto nang mawala sa mundo, bakit hindi nalang sila? Bakit kailangang si Miru pa?"

"You know that I never questioned anything that you wanted to happen. Kasi alam ko may maganda kang plano para sa lahat. Pero ang hindi ko maintindihan anong maganda sa mga nangyayari sa amin ngayon? Bakit mo hinyaang magkaroon ng sakit si Miru?"

"Ayokong magalit sa'yo pero bakit? Bakit si Miru pa? Bakit yung taong mahal na mahal ko pa? Pwede bang iba nalang?

Wag naman si Miru oh. Kinuha mo na nga ang mommy ko pati ba naman ang best friend ko? Pati ba naman ang taong naging sandalan ko? Ang unfair mo naman eh"

"Wag mo naman iparanas ulit sa akin ang mga naranasan ko noong mga panahong kinuha mo si mommy. Ayoko nang maging mag-isa ulit. Ayoko nang ikulong ang sarili ko sa kwarto upang itago ang pag-iyak ko. Hindi ko alam kung kakayanin ko pa eh.

Alam mo ang labo mo. Hinayaan mong mahalin ko si Miru ng higit pa sa buhay ko pero eto ka nagbabalak na kunin siya mula sa akin. Wag naman oh please maawa ka wag naman. Nagpapakabait naman ako eh wag mo naman akong saktan ng ganito"

I cried my heart out. Nilabas ko lahat ng sakit at hinanakit ko sa pamamagitan ng pag-iyak. I covered my face with my palms when I felt someone entered the chapel.

I was so shocked when a pair of arms hugged me from my side. I looked at him, judging from the arms, and saw my daddy with compassionate eyes.

I wiped my tears right away and composed myself quickly. But I cried even more when daddy hugged me tighty ang caressed my back gently.

"I'm sorry anak. I'm so sorry that I was never there for you. Alam ko nahirapan ka noong nawala ang mommy mo. Pero I was so focused on my own grieving na nakalimutan ko na kailangan mo rin pala ng daddy na tatahan sa'yo sa tuwing iiyak ka.

I'm sorry if I was always away. I'm sorry if I choose to ignore your suffering, I'm sorry if duwag ang daddy mo. I'm sorry because I lost my strength when I lost your mom. Forgive me anak, forgive me."

"Anak I'm so sorry for not knowing what to say–"

"No daddy, I never wanted you to say anything. I just needed you to be there for me. To stay by my side while I'm grieving. To make me feel that I'm not alone.

But instead, you did what I never expected you to do. You distanced yourself to me. Hindi lang si mommy ang nawala, pati ikaw nawala na rin sa akin. And it hurts knowing that you choose to be with other people, you choose to work than to stay with me. You choose to not comfort me. You choose to leave me alone on time I needed you the most."

"I am so sorry anak. I never knew I made you feel like that. Ang akala ko ayaw mo akong maka-usap so I give you space. I never knew that you wanted me to stay with you. I'm so sorry anak, forgive me. Forgive me my princess.

You're all that I have. And I don't know what to do if pati ikaw mawala pa sa akin. I promise to never leave you alone anak. I'm with you in this journey.

Nandito lang si daddy. I'll be your shoulder to cry on, I'll be your knight in shining armour habang nagpapagaling si Miru. And I promise anak I'll use all my connections just so we could give Miru the best treatment there is."

Umiyak lang ako ng umiyak. Ang sarap pala sa pakiramdam na may taong umaalalay sa'yo sa mga panahong akala mo wala ka nang makakapitan. This was what I needed when mommy died. I needed someone that time to comfort me. I don't need someone who'll say a lot of things, but someone who will stay with me and hugged me and not say anything at all. I needed comfort on days I'm so down with myself.

Ngayon ko lang naranasan ang i confort ni daddy. And I'm thankful that he's here with me cause frankly speaking, konti nalang sasabog na ako. Konti nalang uunahan ko na si Miru. Konti na lang susundan ko na si mommy.

***

:)