06

"Good morning po ma'am."

Bungad sa aking ng isang crew paglabas ko ng cottage ko.

"Good morning din." I said.

Naglakad ako papunta sa cottage ni Miru and was about to knock on his door when the crew stopped me.

"Ay ma'am, wala na po si sir diyan. Umalis na po siya kanina." He said.

"What? What do you mean? Saan siya nagpunta?" Sunod sunod na tanong ko.

"Hindi ko po alam ma'am eh. Basta po maaga siyang umalis kanina."

Where is he again? Tinataguan nanaman ba niya ako? Bumalik ako sa cottage ko at kinuha ang bag at cellphone ko. I tried calling him pero hindi siya sumasagot. I went outside again, nandoon pa din ang isang crew.

"Wala bang naka pansin sa inyo kung saan siya nagpunta?" I asked.

"Wala po ma'am eh. Basta nakita ko po siyang umalis kanina, may dalang backpack po tapos medyo nagmamadali."

"Mga anong oras kaya?" I asked.

"Alas kwatro po yun ng madaling araw eh."

Four am? I looked at my wrist watch, it's almost 9 am! Saan siya nagpunta? Bamalik na ba siya ng Cebu? Baka naman–

My thoughts were interrupted by the sight of Miru. Naglalakad siya papunta sa sa direksiyon ko. I saw a glimpse of smile on his face when he found my gaze.

"Good morning" bungad niya sa akin.

"Akala ko umalis ka na."

"Yeah umalis ako kanina. Ngayon lang ako nakabalik. Why?"

"Saan ka magpunta at 4 in the morning?"

"How did you know?" He asked.

I glanced at the crew standing in between us. Nakuha naman agad ni Miru ang ibig kong sabihin.

"Ahh I went hiking" he said.

I nodded. Nag hiking lang pala! Sinamaan ko ng tingin si manong crew. He smiled apologetically at me and excused himself saying na may gagawin pa daw siya. Tong taong to! Kinabahan ako dun ah! Sinundan ko ng tingin si manong na naglalakad na papalayo sa amin. Humanda ka sa akin mamaya.

"So... Uhm... You wanna join me for breakfast?" He asked.

I looked at Miru. Are we good now?

He sighed and then grabbed my arms para maglakad kasama siya papunta sa breakfast lounge dito. Same drill, pina-upo na niya ako at siya na ang nag order ng pagkain para sa aming dalawa. I was just staring at him the whole time. Ano ba talaga ang problema ni Miru? I really wanted to know now. Pero pinigilan ko ang sarili ko na mag tanong. I just wanted to savour this peace between the two of us.

After eating, ginawa ko kaagad ang after meal routine ko. Miru then asked me if I could join him sa dalampasigan. Naglakad lakad lang kami. Good thing medyo makulimlim kaya hindi gaanong mainit sa balat ang kaunting araw na sumisilaw sa amin.

After a couple of minutes we decided to go back to our cottage. I was about to go inside my cottage when he grabbed my hand and made me sit beside him on the bench in front of my cottage.

"When are you going back to Cebu?" He asked.

"Kung kailan ka babalik." I said.

He sighed and shooked his head. "No Bella, hindi ko pa alam kung kailan ako babalik."

"Okay. Then hindi rin muna ako babalik. I won't go home without you Miru."

"Why are you making this hard for me?" He murmured.

"Why am I making this hard for you? Naririnig mo ba ang sarili mo Miru? Ako pa talaga?"

He looked at me with his forehead creased a bit. He wanted to say something but seems like he's restricting himself. Then he looked away and breathed deeply. Umayos ako ng upo. I faced him so I could see all emotions that he wanted to burry deep down himself.

"Miru ano ba talaga ang nangyayari? Kasi alam mo litong lito na ako eh. Simula nung bumalik ka galing Manila, noong sa graduation, hanggang ngayon sobrang nalilito pa rin ako.

You wanted us to break-up pero hindi ka man lang nagbigay ng dahilan kung bakit. Kahit simpleng paliwanag man lang wala akong natanggap galing sa'yo."

My voice is already shaking. Unti unti na ring tumutulo ang mga luha ko. Mga luhang matagal nang gustong kumawala sa mga mata ko. I wiped them away and continued talking.

"Pagkatapos ng lahat, umalis ka nalang na para bang walang Bella na nag-aalala sa'yo. Umalis ka na parang walang Bella na nasasaktan sa mga ginawa mo.

Mahal mo pa ba ako? Ha Miru? Sumagot ka naman oh"

"Sobrang mahal na mahal kita" he said without looking back at me.

"If you love me then why are you doing this to me? Bakit mo ako sinsaktan ng ganito?"

He looked at me with teary eyes. Contemplating again.

"I love you so much Bella. God knows that. God knows how much I mean that... Ikaw? Mahal mo pa ba talaga ako?"

I was shocked at his question. Didn't I made him feel my love for him? Anger rushed through me.

"Mahal ba talaga kita... Tangina naman Miru! Kung hindi kita mahal sa tingin mo hindi ako papayag na makipag-hiwalay ka sa akin?! Kung hindi kita mahal sa tingin mo susundan kita dito sa Bataan ng mag-isa?! Kung hindi kita mahal sa tingin mo gagawin ko yung mga putanginang activities na konti nalang tatakasan na ako ng kaluluwa ko?! Kung hindi kita mahal sa tingin mo maghahabol ako ng ganito sa'yo?!

Miru mahal na mahal kita! Na kaya kong maging desperada para lang kausapin mo ulit ako! Mahal na mahal kita na kaya kong maging ganito ka tanga para sa'yo!"

"Please don't question my love for you, cause I never loved anyone like how I loved you!" I said.

I wiped my tears pero wala din, ayaw nilang tumigil. Sobrang sakit na. Ayoko na ng ganito. Pwede bang tama na?

He was just staring at me. I looked at his eyes. Their full of pain and sorrow. Pero hindi ko alam kung para saan ang sakit na yun. Dahil ba nasasaktan niya ako?

"Kaya mo pa ba akong mahalin kung..." He stopped midway. He wiped his tears and inhaled deeply.

"Kaya mo pa bang mahalin ang isang taong alam mong mawawala din sa'yo?" He continued, slowly this time.

My head creases. I don't understand where he's coming.

"I'm dying... Bella. Leukemia, Stage 3" he said with his voice already shaking.

Para akong nabingi. Ano? Sandali may sakit siya? Bakit hindi ko alam? I wasn't able to say a single word kaya nagpatuloy siya sa pagsasalita.

"That's the reason why we went to Manila. Para magpa second opinion. The results were just the same. Acute Myeloid Leukemia."

I can't believe this. Paano to nangyari?

"Kung ganon bakit ka nandito? Diba dapat nagpapagaling ka sa ospital? Diba dapat–"

"That is the exact reason why I came here. I don't want to be treated Bella. Ayokong maglabas-masok sa ospital.

After diagnosis, the doctors told me that– they told me that I only have six months to live. And that'll shorten kapag hindi ako magpapa chemo."

I covered my mouth hopping that I could stop myself from crying even more.

"Is that the reason... why you broke up with me?" I asked.

He nodded. "I don't really have plans on telling you. And I never wanted to break up with you but I was left with no other choice. Hindi kita pwedeng hindi bitawan lalo na't bilang nalang ang mga araw ko."

"I wanted you to forget me and moved on. Kasi kung patatagalin ko pa baka hindi na talaga kita mabitawan. Kasi gustong gusto kong maging selfish at magmakaawa sa'yo na wag mo akong iwan kahit na may sakit ako pero ayokong maging unfair sa'yo.

Mahal na mahal kita, sobra. Mahal na mahal kita. Bella sobra sobra kitang mahal"

Pa-ulit-ulit niyang binibigkas na mahal niya ako. I can't take this anymore. Sobrang nasasaktan na pala siya at wala man lang akong ka-alam alam. I wanted to hug him but he put distance against us.

"No please. Stay there. Don't come near me... dahil sa oras na hawakan kita, hinding hindi na kita bibitawan. And I don't want to be selfish."

"This is not you being selfish Miru, it's me loving you"

He shooked his head. Wiped his tears amd inhaled heavily.

"Hindi ako magpapa gamot. Hindi ako papayag sa chemotherapy. Ayaw ko.

Ngayon tatanungin kita. Mahal mo pa ba ako? Kaya mo pa ba akong mahalin despite my disagreement on having the treatment that I need?"

"Kaya mo pa bang mahalin ang isang taong naghihintay nalang na mamatay siya?"

Mas lalong tumulo ang luha ko. My vision is becoming blurry kasi natatabunan na ng mga luha ang mga mata ko. I look down. I did not nodded nor shooked my head. Kasi hindi ko alam. Hindi ko alam kung kaya ko ba.

I looked at him again. He saw the doubtfulness and the uncertainty in my eyes.

He smiled weakly and nodded.

"I thought so"

After saying that he went ro his cottage and locked himself there. I wanted to run back at him pero hindi ko kaya. Hindi ko alam kung kakayanin ko pa ba itong mga nagyayari sa amin. So I went inside my cottage as well and packed my things.

Before leaving, I looked back at Miru's cottage. His on his weakest state right now. And so am I. He needed strength, but I can't be his strength because I myself lost my strength.

***

:)