16 A Warm Light in the Midst of Pain

There was silence on the bench.

Both young men were lost in their own thoughts. One of them stared sightlessly at a sky he couldn't see through thick bandages.

The other stared at his left hand, held up in front of his face with a complicated expression.

Not a word had been exchanged in over five minutes.

Issei, usually the one to talk when he visited the sickly boy, hadn't even felt the time pass.

To be fair to the pervert, he had a voice in his head he could talk to—a real one.

[Partner. The boy is trying to talk to you.]

"Sorry," Issei said, snapping out of his funk to look at Eren, who, in an uncharacteristic move, had been the one to break the silence. "I didn't hear that Yaeger-senpai."

"Don't call me that," the blind boy said for the dozenth time, but there was no heat to it anymore.

That was something Issei still didn't understand.

Eren allowed Kiba to call him senpai without comment but tried to stop everyone from doing the same. The Red Dragon Emperor didn't know why. Even after reading his file and talking to the others, much about the dying boy was still a mystery to the high school student.

They had talked a few times in the last couple of weeks, primarily Issei trying to get to know his Peerage's friend.

It mostly devolved into the pervert talking about women and harems and providing in-depth descriptions of various girls' breasts since Eren couldn't see them.

(It should be noted that once she found out, Sona bribed Issei to lie about her cup size to the older boy.

Issei steadfastly refused.

To lie about Oppai was blasphemous of the highest order. He might be a devil now, but he wasn't evil.

Turning down the student council president's offer of all previously confiscated contraband was one of the hardest things the Rook had ever done in his life. Issei really missed his limited edition copy of Milky Paradise 3: Olympus Mons. He never collected all the scenes.

But doing God- ow- Satan's work was often unrewarding, even if it was the right thing to do.)

Today, the younger boy had picked up where he left off last time, comparing the merits of size, firmness, perkiness, and bounce versus body types. As Issei rambled, Eren had listened, even though he was not very engaged.

Sometimes, Issei thought Eren just liked the company. But once Issei had finished proselytizing about the merits of the 'Oppai Loli,' the Rook didn't continue.

Instead, he started to talk to Ddraig in his mind.

"I asked if you were all right."

"Ah," Issei awkwardly rubbed the back of his hair, trying to devise an excuse. "Sorry. I, uh, got lost in thought. I'm fine."

Eren didn't say anything, but his lips did press slightly in a frown.

"Really!" Issei said with cheer. "I'm great!"

[Partner.]

Issei ignored Ddraig's sigh in favour of keeping a focus on the older boy, who looked even more displeased than before. But rather than calling Issei out on whatever he wasn't happy about or continuing to press him about his silence, Eren shifted the conversation.

"You talk about girls a lot."

Even Issei knew that was an understatement of the century, but he stared at the other boy in confusion, wondering where he was going with this.

Eren was speaking slower than usual, even if it was in his regular, plain voice. Was he... embarrassed?

"Have you, um, been with a girl? Do you have a lover, I mean?"

The questions were so out of character that Issei stared, mouth slightly agape in surprise. Only when Eren smacked his leg with his cane did the student stutter out an answer.

"Uh, no. No, I don't."

"Why not?" Eren frowned. "You want one, don't you? Or do you not have a girl you like?"

"I like all girls! Big girls and small girls. Milfs and Lolis. There are no girls I don't like! No Oppai is wrong!" Issei declared passionately before deflating. "But... it's complicated."

Would you die for me?

Akeno. Do it.

Phantom pain pulsed through Issei's chest. Only part of it was physical.

Nobody achieved Balance Breaker without strong emotions.

"Why is it complicated?"

"Well, um, I, ah," Issei stuttered, trying to think of what to say. Direct questions like this were not really common among Japanese social norms, where feelings and circumstances were usually kept quiet. Throw in the secrecy of magic, and Issei was seriously panicking. "I'm not very well-liked, you see."

"And?"

"And girls don't want to date a pervert."

It somewhat hurt to admit it out loud, but Issei knew what people thought of him and his friends. But he didn't regret it. He might be a pervert and an idiot, but he was true to himself. He refused to hide who he was.

It just made finding a date difficult.

"But you want to make a harem?" Eren asked doubtfully.

"Of course! I am going to be a Harem King!"

[Partner.]

This time, Ddraig's sigh was less of sympathy and more of exasperated exhaustion.

Eren surprised Issei then. Unlike everyone else who had heard his dream, he didn't mock Issei or laugh at him. Instead, the older boy asked a simple question.

"What are you doing to become a 'Harem King?'"

"Uh," Issei stuttered once again, unsure how to handle the frank question. Too used to derision, the student was caught flat-footed. Even his fellow Peerage members, who didn't deride his dream, still didn't seem to get it and often joked about it to him. Koneko was especially brutal. "What do you mean?"

"How are you advancing toward your goal," Eren asked. "Having a dream is good, but you must work at it. Souna wants to be a teacher and is practicing with me. Yuuto is walking his path. Even Rias and Akeno have their own goals and ambitions they work towards, though I don't know what they are. So, I will ask you again. What are you doing to become a 'Harem King?'"

Issei floundered once more.

He did, in fact, have an answer. It just wasn't one he could tell Eren.

High-class devils received their own Evil Pieces, and it was common for those not interested in climbing the ranks of the Rating Games to fill them with lovers and make their Peerage into their own personal harem.

More than that, both Ddraig and Buchou had told him multiple times that dragons and their Sacred Gear holders tended to attract members of the opposite sex because of their power and presence.

The short answer to Eren's question was Issei was training to get stronger.

Every day, Issei worked with Kiba, Koneko, Akeno, and Rias to take advantage of his Rook traits. With Asia on hand, they didn't need to worry about permanent damage, so they could go all out.

Every day, Issei grew stronger and tougher and could last just a little longer in his Balance Breaker Armour.

So he'd never be that weak, that helpless, again.

And Issei wasn't the only one to feel the hunger after the fight with the Phenex peerage. Everyone was training harder than ever.

They bled, they fought, and they grew.

But with the older boy's ignorance of the supernatural, Issei couldn't say 'training' and have it make sense.

Instead, to buy time, Issei asked a question of his own.

"Why are you asking?" Issei's eyes lit up as an idea came to him. "Have you decided you want a harem as well?"

"No," Eren said plainly, and the Red Dragon Emperor deflated. "I'll be dead soon. It's no secret. I won't start a relationship with a girl for it to end in tragedy. Even if I had the chance."

"Oh," Issei wilted further. "Right. Sorry."

There had been something in Eren's voice, a regret maybe, but Issei didn't know the older boy well enough to say for sure.

"I am asking because you have been off all night," Eren said, not bothered by Issei's lack of tact. "And don't give me that 'I'm fine' bullshit. I've used that one enough to know when someone is faking it." Issei closed his mouth. Sometimes, he wondered if Eren really was blind. "You are not a complicated boy, Issei. That is not a bad thing. If you have a problem, it's most likely about girls."

Issei wanted to say that wasn't true but paused as he gave it some serious thought.

Yuum- Would you die for me? - Raynare had been the one to kill him, leading to his reincarnation.

Asia had been the one he had been defending when they tried to take her back.

And the Yakitori fight was because of Buchou's -Akeno. Do it.- forced engagement.

Come to think of it, baring Kiba, all the supernatural beings he knew of were female.

[Attracting attention, especially from the opposite sex, is typical for dragons.] Ddraig rumbled within his soul. [That isn't always a good thing.]

"Will you tell me what is wrong?" Eren asked.

Issei knew then that, whether he answered or not, Eren would accept his decision. So long as he acknowledged something was wrong, Eren wouldn't ask any further questions if Issei didn't want him to.

There was just one issue.

"I don't know," Issei said helplessly, looking at the older boy. Eren couldn't see the confusion, hesitancy, or fear in the brown eyes. "I don't know what the problem is. I don't know if there is a problem. I've been having... nightmares."

The young devil said the words slowly as if admitting it was a weakness, a sin he shouldn't speak of.

"I don't remember most of them, but they're bad. Really bad. I woke the whole house a few times. Asia has started sleeping with me so she can wake me up when I start... screaming."

Eren looked ready to say something, but he closed his mouth, gave his words more thought and eventually asked a simple question in his usual monotone.

"What do you remember?"

A spear of light pierced his chest. Red blood. Red hair.

Lightning. Fire. Pain. Red hair and green eyes filled with tears.

"Girls," Issei eventually said. "Familiar ones."

"Rias? She said she hurt you again."

"And others," Issei said lowly.

"Do you hate them?"

"NO!" Issei shouted in surprise at the question, looking at Eren in horror. "Buchou saved me. And she didn't want to hurt me. She didn't have a choice! I can't hate her for... what she did." He had almost let the circumstances slip but caught himself at the last second.

"And the other women?"

Issei couldn't answer.

He honestly didn't know.

It should have been easy.

Raynare had lied to him. Betrayed him. Killed him. Tried to kill him again. She hurt his friends and hurt Asia. Issei knew she had been a monster, and the world was probably better with her death.

It should have been easy to hate her.

Yet, Issei couldn't find it in himself to hate Yuuma Amano.

No matter what the circumstances, she had been the first positive experience with the opposite sex he had ever had outside his mother. For a few hours, while the fallen's mask had been on, Issei had thought about giving up his dream of a harem if it meant making this girl happy.

It was naive. It was stupid. But, for those few hours, Issei could understand why his father had given up on the same dream in order to be with his mother. Issei wouldn't do it after one date, but he could understand his father's choice for the first time.

To the fallen angel, it had been a fun game. Make pretend. A higher being toying with a hapless mortal.

To Issei?

It had been real.

"There's your problem," Eren sighed. "It is easy to hate. So easy. To rage and fight and kill. People say killing is hard. It isn't. Not when you hate your enemy. But when you don't? When you understand them, know about them, care about them, or love them? When you know why they are that way and why they do the things they do? Hatred is easy. To care is so much harder."

They were both quiet for a long moment.

Then Issei broke the silence in the most 'Issei Hyoudou' way possible.

"I want a harem."

"You've mentioned," Eren said dryly.

"It's been my dream for most of my life. I used to think it was going to be easy," Issei said softly, staring at his left arm again. "A previously all-girl school? It was like an anime or eroge. Even if most girls hated me, one or two would like me, right? I'd give it my best, and everything else would fall into place. In some way, I thought it was inevitable."

Becoming a devil had only made that feeling grow. A society with a system tailor-made for harems, accepted his perversion, saw him as valuable, and provided him a path to walk to his dream?

Issei had almost considered his inevitable harem as set in stone. He had entertained fantasies about who would be in it. Rias. Akeno. Koneko. Maybe even Asia, once she was more worldly. Maybe some classmates or other supernatural races.

Issei had imagined it. Fantasised about it.

Dreamed about it.

For a while, Issei Hyoudou had lived in a world where he was the protagonist.

Then it collapsed in a flash of light, a clap of thunder, and the searing of flesh.

Issei had spoken the truth when he said he didn't blame Rias. In some way, he didn't even blame Raynare.

Issei Hyoudou blamed himself.

He blamed himself for being a naive, perverted, too-honest, and too-trusting boy. Someone more intelligent, wiser, or better than him would not have fallen for Raynare's facade.

They wouldn't have gotten captured by a defeated enemy and used as a hostage against his friends. Someone else would not be this week and pathetic.

Buchou claimed that the Rating Game had shown the world Issei was one of the most promising Red Dragon Emperors to ever live.

Issei disagreed.

All it showed was a young, dumb, weak pervert in over his head.

"Now, I am not sure I will ever have a girlfriend again, let alone a harem."

"You might not," Eren nodded.

Issei stared at the boy.

That... was not encouraging. Far from comfort or advice, as the Rook had expected, the sickly boy had responded instantly and brutally.

And Issei couldn't deny the truth of the statement.

"But that will be for you to decide," Eren continued. "You have to decide what you want and what you fight for."

"I'm not that bright," Issei said hesitantly, rubbing the back of his head. "But I don't think that's how love works. I think I don't get to decide whether girls like me."

Eren frowned, opened his mouth, leaned back, and looked at the sky. Issei wondered if he had put his foot in his mouth again and accidentally said something wrong when the sickly boy spoke.

His voice was heavy, slow, and deliberate, as if every word was worth its weight in gold.

"I knew a couple, once. Younger than you are now," Eren started. "Trained with them for years. They danced around each other's feelings forever. When they got together, they were inseparable. We always joked about their inevitable marriage. Teased them. If two people were made for each other, it was them." Eren grit his teeth as he spat the following words. "He died the first day on the job. We found Hannah cradling what was left of Franz, refusing to face reality. Refusing to acknowledge that he was dead."

Issei froze. It was one thing to read about Eren's history as a mercenary; it was another to hear stories directly from him.

There was a weight to them. Like Issei was being entrusted with something precious. But they were also far from what a boy who, only a few months ago, was a regular teen had any frame of reference for.

For all the conflict and trauma Issei had dealt with since becoming a devil, he had never lost anyone he cared about. He didn't know what to say.

Thankfully, Eren didn't expect him to say anything just yet.

"My experience with romance isn't great either," Eren's voice deadened as if all emotions had drained from his body, yet his words were as impactful as ever. "I never really thought about love. Too busy chasing my goals. Too busy running ahead. I never noticed her feelings. In my defence, I had always considered her an overprotective sister and never considered her a romantic partner. Still," Eren paused as if lost in thought.

Even if Issei didn't know Eren as well as the others, he still could hear the regret thick in his voice.

"I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had understood her better. If I had known what she always felt for me. If I had known what I could feel for her. If we had more time together, would we have been happy? Or would it have been a greater tragedy?"

This time, when Eren paused, he did not continue to talk. He was lost in his memories, staring at a sky he couldn't see.

Issei had a lot of questions, but one floated up, interrupting the older boy's reverie.

"Who was she?"

"She was," Eren paused again, voice thick with emotion. Longing. Regret. Love. "She was quiet. Private. Protective. She would do anything for those she cared about. She was the strongest person I ever met. In body and in heart. But she never wanted to use that strength. She would have much preferred a quiet life than one of battle. But she chose to follow me. To protect me. She saved my life. So many times. Too many times."

Eren choked back something. Maybe a grunt. Maybe a sob.

"She was my sister. My family took her in after hers were killed by slavers. She was one of my best friends—someone I could always trust to have my back. I had always loved her. Not in that way. Not initially. She had been in love with me for years, but I was too dense to notice. To caught up in my own pain and rage. I didn't fall in love with her till later. Till it was too late."

"What happened?" Issei asked, fear making his voice tremble.

"She didn't die, if that's what you are asking," Eren said as he shook his head. "It was a close thing, though. That was how I fell in love with her, believe it or not. I had done something stupid and got myself captured. Again. People died to get me back. Too many people. And one of them was really dear to us, almost an uncle. We watched as he was torn apart. We almost died, too. We were about to. We were sure it was going to happen."

Eren raised his own left hand over his head as if to stare at it, unknowingly echoing Issei's previous position.

"All I could do was scream. Scream at myself for being helpless. For failing. For everything. It was all my fault. More than I realized at the time, it was all my fault. And yet..."

For the first time, Issei saw something else on Eren Yeager's face.

It was only a shadow, a hint of expression lost in his words, but Issei would swear up and down that Eren almost smiled.

"She smiled. She didn't care about my guilt, uselessness, or anything else. We were about to die, and she smiled as she thanked me. For being with her. For rescuing her from those slavers. For teaching her how to live. For wrapping that scarf around her neck. We were about to die, and all I could think about was how beautiful she was when she smiled."

Enraptured by the story and the emotions that so mirrored his circumstances, Issei couldn't help repeating his question.

"What happened next?"

"We survived," Eren nodded. "But things changed. My feelings had changed. Maybe she sensed it, but she no longer was as overprotective. And I no longer resented her concern, seeing it in a new light. It took me a while to sort out my feelings. I am not good with that sort of thing. But I realized what they were pretty quickly. But we had a final mission to do. After that, I would talk to her if we survived."

"Did she? Survive, I mean?" Issei asked eagerly before realizing how insensitive that question would be if she hadn't.

"We did," Eren thankfully nodded, but his face was set in a heavy frown. "Two hundred scouts died that day. Nine survived. The mission was a success, but my thoughts were... occupied. I put off confessing till we had a plan on what to do from there. But then I had one. A plan that would get me almost everything I ever wanted."

Despite his words, Eren did not sound happy. If anything, he sounded furious.

"I wanted it. I wanted that future so bad." Eren bit out, teeth clenching. "But it would cost me so much. The lives of my friends. And I would never be with her. Even if we loved each other, we'd never be together. I searched desperately for an alternative. A way to avoid that plan. To save lives. The lives of strangers and of my friends. To save the life I wanted to live with her. Even when I resigned myself, I was prepared to throw it all away if it meant spending those few years with her."

The fury that filled the blind boy fizzled out as he slumped against the bench in defeat.

"But that never happened," Eren sighed sadly. "Instead, I went ahead with the plan. We never so much as kissed. She probably moved on. I hope she moved on. I hope she is happy, even if it is not with me. I don't know what happened after I... left."

A creaking sound tore Issei's gaze from the older boy's bandaged face, and for the first time, the Rook noticed Eren's hands.

He had gripped his cane tightly, so tightly it had creaked under his white-knuckled grasp.

Unused to the overt display of emotion from the boy, Issei scrambled for a way to change the subject to something more positive, something that might bring back the hint of a smile he saw.

"What was the scarf you mentioned?" Issei asked hurriedly. "The one she thanked you for?"

It thankfully worked, and Eren's frown fell from his face for a softer expression as his fists unclenched. He took a deep breath as if to compose himself before he answered.

"I rescued her from slavers, and she saved me right after. But it was the middle of the night in the mountains. It was cold out." Eren idly raised a hand to his neck as if to adjust a scarf that wasn't there.

"I wrapped my scarf around her. It was a simple thing to me. She seemed cold, almost in rags, and I still had my clothes. She kept the scarf. For years, she never went anywhere without it. I didn't realize what it meant to her till that day. It meant much more to her than it did to me. I promised I would always wrap it around her."

Eren softly lowered his hand back to his cane as he whispered the last words, almost to himself.

"I hope she got rid of it."

"Do you regret it?" Issei couldn't help but ask, morbidly curious, as he remembered a small scrunchie.

A small gift purchased to commemorate his first-ever date.

"Since you can't be together, do you regret giving her the scarf?"

It was the wrong thing to ask.

"Listen to me, Issei Hyoudou," Eren said, voice quiet but intense as he suddenly leaned forward, turning to face Issei as if to look him in the eye.

All the Rook saw were bandages and a mouth set into a determined line.

"I am a monster. The Devil in every sense of the word. I have killed. I have murdered. I have more blood on my hands than anyone ever before or since. Throughout all my life, everything I have done has ended in tragedy. I have many regrets, far too many."

Eren stabbed at Issei with a finger, right in the heart, and the Rook flinched in surprise.

"There is one thing I have never regretted. It is the only purely good thing I have ever done. The only time I was ever a hero. No matter what happens, I will never, ever regret wrapping that scarf around her. Do you understand?"

Startled by the intensity of the blank gaze and the fervour in his voice, Issei hurried to answer as he nodded frantically.

"I do. I do. I understand."

Eren maintained his position for a few heartbeats after Issei's frantic answer as if daring him to take back his words. When Issei said nothing else, he relaxed back into his chair with a grunt.

"I got off topic," Eren said as he resettled. "I wasn't telling that story for memory's sake. There was a point. Did you get it?"

"Uh," Issei stuttered. He had honestly been too absorbed to think about the more profound implications or possible morals. "No. Sorry."

"The point was that there is no such thing as a fated love," Erin grunted. "If life were like Rias' manga, I would have ended up with her. I am not unaware that my past can be considered fantastic enough to qualify for entertainment. But this is real life, not fiction."

Issei remembered a few weeks ago when he thought that his life had become a light novel.

Had he always assumed he was the protagonist? Or had it just been the exceptional circumstances getting to him?

"There is no such thing as destined love or soulmates," Eren bit out. "If there was, I would have settled down and married my childhood friend whom I loved and who loved me. My friends would not have died as soon as they got together. Another of my friends would not have had to find love in a marriage she never wanted. We would have lived happily ever after." Eren grunted in derision. "But that didn't happen. Because nobody is certain to end up with anyone else."

"I get it," Issei said morosely. Eren had a point, but it still hurt to have his naive dreams thrown in his face like that.

"I don't think you do," Eren said. "Because if you did, you would not sound so sad."

Issei blinked, unsure why he shouldn't be sad.

"Didn't you just say I am not fated to be with anyone?"

Eren smacked the boy on the back of his head.

"You aren't destined to be with anyone," Eren said roughly. "But that applies to others as well. They are not fated for anyone else, either. That is the freedom of it. I know nothing about your love life, about harems, or romance. All I know is that no romantic or otherwise relationship happens if you don't work for it."

Issei almost bit out something sarcastic about Sona but held it in.

Maybe Eren did know about the devil's crush and chose not to say anything because he did not want to start something doomed to a tragic end.

"Do you have a problem with someone? Fight! Do you like someone? Ask them out! Do you want a harem? Work for it! You will stumble, fall, and get hurt as you move forward. I can't promise you will achieve your dream or even have one girl, let alone many. All I will promise is that you will have none if you stay still."

Issei took a deep breath and looked at the older boy. Sickly, dying, and regretful.

Yet still living, still fighting in his own way.

"You're right," Issei said, smacking himself in the cheeks with both hands as he stood from the uncomfortable bench. "Your right! I've been too lazy. If I want to be a Harem King, I need to be better. I have to pursue more girls. I've been rejected a thousand times. I can handle a million rejections if I achieve my dreams. Even if it hurts, I can't just sit still!"

"Before you run off to get yourself hurt again," Eren said dryly. "I have some advice I wish I had received myself. It might help you get started with your... harem."

"What is it?" Issei asked eagerly, still fired up.

"Look to the ones beside you," Eren said gravely. "Instead of running ahead, slow down. You will reach the same destination, but you will have fewer regrets. Those who want to travel your path with you will thank you."

Issei left the clearing with the bench, pondering the older boy's parting words.

He left Eren Yeager alone on the bench with his memories of a love that never was.

Issei would continue to have nightmares, but they lessened over the coming months.

It might have been thanks to Eren's words, or it might be because, a week after that talk on the bench and turning the words over, Issei puzzled out what the dying boy meant.

A few days after that, when he gathered his courage and after a hefty amount of pep talk from Ddraig, Issei Hyoudou asked Asia Argento out on a date.

Asia's smile, as she agreed, was angelic.

Maybe Issei would get his harem, or perhaps he wouldn't. He'd been hurt. He would be hurt again, Issei was sure.

He had a long road to become the Harem King of his dreams. He didn't know the future.

All Issei knew was that for that smile, for that light in his life, he'd name his first child after the boy on the bench.