Indecision

Caleb's POV

(6:03am)

A prickle of unease ran down my spine, rousing me from a deep, dreamless sleep. I frowned as the consciousness took roots slowly, urging me to wake up but I felt unwilling to open my eyes just yet.

This was one of the best sleeps I have had in a while and I wanted to hold onto it, even for a little while longer.

But the feeling of wrongness invaded. Something felt missing and even in my semi-conscious state, I knew what it was. Ruth.

She was supposed to be here, the warmth of her body settled against me, but it wasn't there. She wasn't there. Again.

Did she run away from me again? Have I lost her even after chasing her? The darkness lurked at the edge of my subconscious, just waiting to pounce, but I focused on a tiny light, that almost looked like it was at the end of the tunnel.

No, she was around. Not here, but close-by. Her scent, a combination of something spicy and a hint of sweetness surrounded me, and the light grew brighter with each passing second. It wasn't that uncomfortable, blinding that caused you to go blind for a moment.

No, it was the light that had helped me through some of my most recent difficult times. Almost like a glow. And just the thought of her being around made that glow shine brighter. I could feel that it was right there somewhere close-by.

I reached out, trying to get a hold on it, and the darkness slithered further away. But all I felt was emptiness. Ruth was gone. No! The darkness edged ahead, ready to pounce, but before they could, my eyes snapped open.

I found myself staring at an unfamiliar wardrobe door, feeling disoriented. Was that a dream? Or, was I dreaming now? The confusion wasn't new to me, but it still rattled me a little as I tried to collect myself.

I took a stock of myself, as bits and pieces of yesterday floated into my mind like wisps. My breath was ragged, but not like it usually was after having a nightmare.

No, it felt more like I'd run a marathon. An exhilarating, blood-pumping, adrenaline infused marathon. And maybe I had, just not physically.

Physically, I was lying on my stomach with one hand hanging off the edge of the bed while the other was stretched out across the empty mattress as if searching for something. Or someone.

I looked around, taking in the gray trims and comforting yellow walls as I came to terms with the fact that I was lying nearly naked in someone else's bed. To be specific, in Ruth's bed.

Suddenly, the memories of last night flowed in wave after wave, and for a moment I went still as I absorbed it all. It felt unreal, dream-like. But the woman sleeping next to me was real. Very real.

I moved onto my side, just to make sure if my memories were deceiving me. But there she was. Glowing like a cherished hope, beckoning me to the point where I had been subconsciously reaching out for her.

She slept with her back to me, scooted almost on the edge of the bed, just out of my reach, leaving a majority of the mattress between us empty. I felt myself smile a little at our matching habit to scoot at the far ends of the bed as I absorbed the warmth that radiated off her even with the distance between us.

It brought forth the memory of her skin against mine. God, she was so beautiful. Even better than what I had imagined her to be. And last night she was right there, ready and willing to be mine.

I felt my body react at the memory of her silky skin gliding against mine, her hot kisses and desperate moans. If the memory of her was enough to send me on the edge of arousal, I wondered what would happen when I actually touched her again.

Just to test that, I reached out and moved her hairs away from the nape of her neck, noting a well-worn t-shirt shielding her skin from my touch.

That wasn't there last night, was it? The memory of cuddling her and running my nose over her skin popped into my mind. No, it definitely wasn't there last night when I had just barely stopped us from going all the way.

Vaguely, I tried to remember why I had stopped her. I had been wanting to say something, but I couldn't recall what it was right now.

I did remember her proclamation of hatred that she obviously didn't mean and my response just before passing out on— Oh God.

I bolted upright as any trace of smile vanished from my face.

"And I so love you, Ruth Brooke."

Fuck. This time when my breathe caught, I recognised it for what it was. Panic. What have I done? How could I proclaim my love to her without knowing if she felt the same way?

I looked down at her, trying to figure out if she felt anything other than lust and sympathy for me, but it was impossible to figure tha out just by staring at her sleeping form. Damnit.

All my life, I have fought tooth and nail to not let myself get attached to someone. Pushed away the ones who tried to get too close, shoved those who managed to get too close.

But what was it about this woman that I let her into my heart again and again, even after getting hurt? I had always prided myself to learn from my mistakes afterall.

For a brief second, an image of Ana popped into my mind. Not the person she had grown up to become today, but another image from long back when I had first seen her.

Those beautiful sky blue eyes that had barely reached my chest, looking up at me with so much hope and love that she had woken up every brotherly instinct in my heart.

Suddenly, I had been ready to fight the world to protect her, to take care of her. And I had, until I had found that she was the reason my— well, why was I thinking about Ana?

Maybe because my survival instinct was belatedly kicking in, trying to remind me what I had always got for loving someone.

And now I had gone and proclaimed my love for Ruth. Because when it came to her, I was an idiot who never learnt from his mistakes.

Then again, Ruth had been an exception from the very beginning. She had always excited my mind just as much as she had excited my body.

That should've been my first clue to stay away from her, but like moth to flames, I had only been drawn closer and closer. And now I— I swallowed, not even being able to say it to myself.

It wasn't that I hadn't known that I had fallen hard for her ever since the night of bonfire. It was just that this knowledge accompanied that same gut-wrenching pain I had felt when I had found her gone.

She had left me alone when I was at my most vulnerable. Flown out of the frigging state at the first sign of trouble. Maybe I was cursed to love the ones who ran away in my desperate times of need.

And now I had confessed my deepest feelings to someone who had not just left me behind 3 weeks ago, but also left me again just yesterday.

My fists clenched the comforter as I remembered every detail of yesterday. Some were muddled, like looking at them through a smoked glass, while the others stood out clearer than the rest.

One memory that stood out the most was when Leo had informed me that Ruth had officially resigned from the company. The blow I had felt at that moment was unlike anything I had ever experienced before.

And maybe that was why the rest of the evening seemed like a series of events passing by in a blur, until Ruth and I were alone in this room.

The only thing I remembered was deciding I can't let her slip through my fingers again. That was - and still is - unbearable.

But how far was I willing to go to keep her? I didn't know. Was I willing to let myself lay bare at her feet and risk getting hurt again? I didn't know. What will happen if she rejects me or runs away again?

And most of all, what do I do now that I have confessed something to her that I wasn't even ready to confess to myself?

That's what I got for getting drunk impulsively. Not only did I have a physical fight with Leo twice in one day, but I had also gone and fucked up any chance at retaining my dignity.

I dropped my head in my hands and let out a loud groan, but then stopped when the sound echoed off the walls.

I realised that the rain had stopped outside, and with the house so quiet, my groan had sounded like a trumpet horn. Ruth stirred, stretching her back like a cat as she turned to face me.

I tensed. What if she woke up? Was I ready to face her in the light of the day and of my confession? Was I ready to possibly get rejected again? Was I—before I could drive myself crazy though, she settled onto her back and went back to sleep.

When a soft snore rose from her, I decided it was safe to creep out of the bed and crawled out slowly so as not to jolt the mattress. Then stood next to the bed for a few minutes, deciding on what to do next. Surely she would be relieved if I was gone before she woke up, right?

Maybe she was even expecting it. That was why she had left the bed, probably in the middle of the night, to get dressed. The thought didn't sit well with me so I tried focusing on something else.

There was something pushing at the back of my brain. Some knowledge or insight waiting to be acknowledged, but I pushed it back. My mind was already overflowing with thoughts and feelings. I didn't need any more to add into the pile.

Having made the decision, I located my clothes piled up in one corner of the room. They were still wet so I collected them and looked around. There was a door exactly opposite to the bed and I opened it to find an average sized en suite with a washer inside. It looked ancient, the colour transformed from white to yellow and rust. I could only hope that it would work.

I threw my clothes into the dryer and set a timer, then stepped back into the bedroom to wait. The sky outside was slowly lightening up, but one peek out of the window told me that it was hopeless to expect sun anytime soon.

The rain had reduced to a deceptively light drizzle, and I knew that this was the best I could hope for if I wanted to leave before Ruth woke up.

As the timer went off, I turned away from the view of the back roads surrounding the apartment building, but paused when my gaze landed on the sleeping beauty who was currently snuggling into her comforter.

The gray light from outside cast a silvery glow on her face making her look so beautiful that she took my breathe away. Unable to help myself, I reached out and stroked some of her mahogany hairs away from her cheeks, marvelling at the velvety softness of her skin.

She sighed as I pulled the comforter over her shoulders and turned to her side, facing opposite from me.

From my experience in Boston, I knew that if I bent a little, I'll catch a whiff of her delicious scent that somehow seemed to get enriched and magnified with sleep.

But I resisted the urge as another experience from Boston, one where I had reached the cottage found her gone, resurfaced. The memory was still so fresh that I rubbed a hand onto my chest, as if to soothe a pain radiating from there.

Stepping back, I took one last look at the girl I had fallen hard for despite my best efforts not to, and walked into the ensuite to get dressed, and get the hell out of here.