Healing

There is nothing wrong with choosing to hide in the dark for a bit.

After all, its so much easier than to face yourself, or others.

Its easier to let the pain throb and course through you, letting you believe that you are innocent simply because you're suffering too.

And everyone is allowed to choose what is easy every once in a while, right?

Choosing to face light though... That is scary. Letting others see you and letting you see yourself... That is hard. But that's what made us brave. And that is why, it is the only way you truly heal.

*

Caleb's POV

I had no idea of what I would see, or would have to face when the darkness clouding my mind would reside.

Afterall, I had gladly let it hide me for all these years, letting it fester and gnaw my insides silently while I went about my life, subconsciously pretending to be a victim. Pretending to be the innocent one.

But when it did reside, it left me bare and raw, with nowhere to hide.

The lights filtering through the windows felt like a symbolism to that as I opened my eyes to a bleached white room.

The unfamiliarity of the room and a constant beep from somewhere close-by filled me with a strong sense of dread and deja vù.

Briefly, my mind hung in a space where I had no sense of time, or event.

'Please let them be fine... Let her be fine... Someone tell me they are fine... Ruth... Mom-' My mind chanted nonstop as I looked around frantically for someone, something. But what, I had no idea.

Luckily, I didn't have to look too hard. In the far corner of the room, a figure sat silhouetted against the light. As I strained my eyes to make out who it was, it stood up and glided towards me.

Impatience filled me as broken bits and pieces of the accident flashed through my mind with such speed that it became difficult to distinguish old memories from the new ones.

I tried to pick one thing out of my jumbled thoughts to ask but it came out as broken as my thoughts were.

"Mom I- Ruth.. Leo was? Uncle Mar- I didn't-" But my hoarse voice came to a halt when the person in front of me finally stepped close enough to block the light coming from behind.

I blinked, not recognising her for a moment. After all, it had been years since I had last seen her.

Besides, of all the people I could have expected to be here, she wasn't even close to being one of them.

"A-aunt L-Lydia?"

"Hello, Caleb. I'm glad to see that you're finally awake." Aunt Lydia spoke sombrely and it was so unlike her usual self that I immediately panicked and bolted upright in my bed.

"Wh-what's wrong? Ruth, she's not- Leo..." I cut off again as speaking became impossible and I coughed to clear off what felt like the shards of glass cutting through my throat.

"Calm down, boy. Here, you must be thirsty." I had no idea from where she produced a cool glass water and placed against my lips but I didn't stop to question it as I greedily slurped it all up in few gulps, all the while looking up at her serene face.

She can't be that calm if something horrible had happened, right? But why was she even here from New York then?

"More?" She asked as I looked down at myself. I only had a single IV drip attached to my wrist, unlike the last time, but my body felt like it's been passed over by a steam roller.

I ignored her question, and instead asked her the most important thing I could think of.

"Ruth. She's okay, right? She's not-" I cut off, unable to finish the sentence as images of her looking lifeless and cold flashed into my mind and mingled with those of my mother's.

Luckily, she didn't wait for me to finish.

"She is fine. Sleeping, I think. Sairey is with her right now." At my confused look, she clarified, "her roommate? I was with her when she got the call from hospital. She's listed as Ruth's emergency contact, you see."

But why the hell was Aunt Lydia with Ruth's roommate? Why was she here to begin with? All these questions popped into my mind, distracting me for a moment.

But before I could decide to voice any one of them, Aunt Lydia spoke up.

"You must be wondering what I'm here for. Well, I'm here to give you this."

She picked up a thick manila envelope from my bedside table and laid it on my lap.

"What is it?"

"Exactly what you deserve. Or rather, exactly what your father deserves. Not that there's much difference left between you two now."

I frowned, first at her ominous response and then at the envelope before turning it upside down.

Thick stacks of legal documents fell onto my lap and it took me more time than it should have to make sense of what they were. And what it meant.

"Happy Christmas, Caleb. I hope your father will finally be happy now." With that, she straightened, and walked out of the room.

The door had barely swung shut behind her when it opened up again and my father walked in leaning heavily against his walking stick.

"Was that Lydia Jones I just saw walking out of here?" He asked, glancing behind his back before turning to face me.

Instead of replying, I went back to staring at the papers that were scattered on my lap. A void was filling up within my chest and those shards of glass were back in my throat, but for a very different reason this time.

"Is that...? He didn't." Dad cut off as he picked the papers off me and I was grateful for that. Staring at them was making me sick. Sick with my father. And sick with myself.

He continued talking, but I couldn't hear him over the buzzing in my ears. I suddenly felt adrift, denounced. Like someone had yanked the roof off my head and ground from below my feet all at once.

And the worst part was that I had no one but myself to blame for it.

"Ruth." I spoke without a thought or reason, cutting off whatever my father was saying.

"Need to see Ruth." I mumbled again, mostly to myself as I threw the blanket off me and scrambled to get off the bed. The IV drip was a hindrance so I went to pull it off my wrist but my father's veiny hand stopped mine.

"No need for that. I can arrange to take you to see her with that drip."

I looked up at him then for the first time. And really looked. He didn't seem angry, or even sarcastic like I would've expected him to.

He didn't even seem happy or triumphant to see his lifelong dream finally coming true as he held those papers in his hands.

He looked tired. And resigned. Like he actually felt sorry for me. Like he understood why the tears were gathering at the corners of my eyes. And he looked like he understood my desperation to see Ruth.

For the first time in my life, he looked like a father. My father. Sad that this was what took for us to reach here.

The thought made me choke out loud and I felt myself collapse against my father as waves of sobs ripped out of my throat.

His arm wrapped around me as he cradled my body to him and let me cry out every emotion that was running through me all the while mumbling apologies and words of comfort.

I didn't even know what he was apologising for or what exactly I was crying for, but I didn't stop or control it as it kept pouring out of me.

"I'm so sorry for what you went through, son.... So sorry for my part in it... So sorry.. "

Over and over he repeated as I cried for the mother I lost so many years ago but never properly grieved for, the guilt I carried within me all these years, for Uncle Martin, for everything. For the family that we once were.

I cried for what was and what could have been. What I used to be and what I had become. I cried for losing the rock I never realised I had until it was gone, first in uncle Martin and now in Leo.

So long had everything been bottled up within me that when it poured out, it felt like a tidal wave sweeping over me and dragging me down to the depths of despair.

And it would have, if not for my father's arm around me keeping me afloat. Keeping me warm and breathing when I was stuck in the eye of the storm.

I had no idea how long I held him to me as I emptied every one of my emotions, finally calming down and pulling away from his embrace when I felt absolutely drained.

Even though it was pointless, I tried to discretely wipe my eyes and saw my father mirror the action and heard him clear his throat.

"Still up to see Ruth? Or wanna rest a bit first? I'll call for a nurse to take you to her."

"I thought you didn't like her." I cleared my throat as I tried to bring our conversation to a neutral ground.

"I don't like anyone who's more important to you than me. I guess I never did manage to lose that possessive streak when it came to you."

I looked up at him in surprise. "You felt possessive of me?"

"Of course I did. I still do." He confessed exhaustedly, as he took a seat next to me on the bed.

"Why do you think I tried to turn you against Martin and your own mother?"

The admission made all the warm feelings leave me.

"Turn me against them. You mean what you said.... You lied to me? They never had an affair to begin with?"

He sighed again, before shrugging. "Who knows? They never gave any reason for me to assume that but it was just the jealousy in me that made me believe it."

"Why did my brother get to have everything when I didn't? He got the brains and aptitude for business turning that cash sucking family business into an empire, a son who worshipped the very grounds he walked on and to top it off, my son who loved more than his own father. Even your mother trusted him more than she ever trusted me."

"You did cheat on her and had a child with another woman. And then adopted her to pass her off as an orphan." I reminded him, without much heat. Honestly, I was too exhausted to even feel angry right now.

He inclined his head, before continuing, "That's not the kind of trust I meant. She just... Always relied on him more than me. Her, and then your regard for him just fuelled my resentment. But I never stopped to realise what I had become, and what I was slowly turning you into when I poisoned your mind. Not even when I lost him, or your mother."

"I'm sorry." I whispered hoarsely, but it wasn't for my father's confessions. It was for mine. And he somehow knew it.

"It wasn't your fault, Caleb. Your mother didn't die because of you. Martin didn't die because of you. When you faked that panic attack, you couldn't have possibly known that it'll lead to that fatal accident."

I looked up at him in shock. He knew?

"Of course I knew, Caleb. As did Leo. He was the first person to see you after the accident. He was also the one who'd heard every one of your nightmares in the months that followed. Of course he's known it all along." He replied as if reading my mind.

The mention of Leo made my heart sink again. All these years, he knew I was the reason his father died and he still stood by me?

"You were a mess." His voice had gone distant now as he recalled that fateful day. "Wouldn't let anyone near you. Not even me. But when Leo came, you broke down. That must be the only time you actually cried. Atleast consciously."

"I.. I don't remember any of that," I stuttered, wracking my brain to remember but came up empty.

"You wouldn't. I made sure of it." He sighed again, and continued.

"I arranged for you to visit a number of therapists and psychologists for about a year after the accident. They all came up with the diagnosis that you were suffering from Dissociative Amnesia, a condition where you blocked out that accident and were unable to remember almost every information related to it."

He looked at me for a moment, then averted his eyes. "They recommended that you needed to be given therapy to slowly remember and process it in order to heal, or it might turn into unconscious guilt where you'll remember the feelings you associated with it but not the accident itself. But I refused to let them do that."

"I believed you had forgotten it all for a reason. That it was better for you to not remember it considering that you held yourself responsible for it and that guilt would hinder you from...." He trailed off, his eyes darting to the papers that were now carelessly lying on the bedside table next to us.

This time when I felt that prickle of anger, I welcomed it. It was much better than the emotions that threatened to choke me up again.

"And are you finally happy now?" I jerked my head in the direction of those wretched papers that had changed everything. Given me everything that was worthless and taken away the few of the things that held any value.

"Happy? I was ecstatic." He sighed exhaustedly again. "Until I saw that look of utter devastation on your face. Until you held onto me and cried. That was when I saw - when I finally realised...."

Then he looked up and spoke the only thing that was left to say anymore. "Forgive me, Caleb. Forgive me for all the pain I've ever caused you. Forgive me one last time, son."

*

Ruth's POV

A frown creased my brows as images flashed behind my eyelids. They were familiar, yet had a dreamlike quality as the sounds and colours meshed into one another until everything was one chaotic blur.

A sense of urgency filled me as I saw Caleb's face, clear as the day in all that chaos, looking terrified before he covered my body with his as our world turned upside down.

"Caleb!" I shot up on my bed, only to get dizzy by my own sudden movement and dropped my head in my hands with a groan.

"It's okay, honey. All's well.... Just lie down, okay?" A soft murmur sounded close to me as gentle hands rubbed my arms.

I peered up to find a tired-looking Shy coaxing me to lie down again, but I was too restless. Too awake to fall back to sleep. Where was I? How was I here? Caleb. Where was Caleb?

The questions popped up one after another in my mind as I tried to voice any one of them.

"Where... I was... They picked us up and Caleb... Caleb is okay? He didn't-" I had no idea if my words were even making sense but of course, Shy understood.

"Hush.. Calm down, Ru... You're fine. He is fine. Everything is alright... Just take a deep breath and relax." Shy whispered soothingly as she stroked the hair and sweat off my forehead.

Her reassuring words and serene expression slowly calmed me down and I felt my breathing return to normal.

"Caleb is alright?" I asked again as my heartbeat slowed to a normal rhythm and she gave me a sardonic smile.

"I would certainly say so if he can sit this long in that awkward position." She nodded somewhere off to my right prompting me to turn in that direction.

And there he was. Sprawled on the couch placed at the corner of the room with his head drooping against his chest.

"Been here for hours." Shy whispered as she handed me a cool glass of water and then went on to hold it against my lips when I failed to take a sip from it.

"Wouldn't leave no matter how nicely or rudely I asked him to. Apparently, his father holds enough power here to enable him to stay here and he's all for abusing it. Whatever happened to patients' rights for privacy and hospital rules and discipline."

Shy shook her head but she was smiling as she filled me in. Now that I had Caleb in front of me, safe and sound, I didn't know what to do next.

So I asked Shy what had happened while she fussed over me, placing a pillow behind my back and adjusting my sheets. All through this I kept my gaze fixed on Caleb as if I was afraid that he would disappear if I looked away.

"Well, I got a call from the hospital that you were in an accident and I rushed here along with Lydia."

"Lydia who?"

"Lydia Jones? That giant, Leo's mother? She was with me when you two left for the party, remember? Good thing too that she came. Made it easier for Leo to pick her up."

Leo. For some reason, his name sent a strange sense of foreboding through me. Why did I feel like there was something crucial about him that I was forgetting?

"Leo was here?"

"Of course he was. He was the one who brought you both here. Dealt with the cops and stuff, and only left when the doctors assured him that you both were fine and only had a few bumps and bruises."

"Wait, he left?" That didn't seem like Leo. I remembered how he had stuck throughout the day when I was in that accident in Boston, and he didn't even know me back then.

"Yes. Said it's better this way." Shy shrugged then turned to look from Caleb to me.

"Anyway, do you want to sleep some more? Or should I get you anything to eat?" When I shook my head no, she smiled knowingly.

"Well, then I'll get something to eat for me while you go put your man out of misery." And that was why I loved my best friend so much. She knew exactly what I needed and when. And even though I could see that she wanted to ask me more about the accident, she placed my need to talk to Caleb over her need to know.

Before leaving though, she bent and wrapped her arms around me gently and whispered, "Happy Christmas, Ruthie. I'm so glad that you're fine. Holler if you need me, okay? I'll be right outside."

With that she dropped a fond kiss on top of my head and walked out of the room leaving me alone with Caleb.

After a moment's hesitation, I threw my covers back and slid off the beds shakily. Apparently a few hours of sleep was enough to turn my legs into jelly.

I shook and straightened my hospital gown and ran a hand through my hair mostly out of habit as I got used to being vertical again, before making my way over to the couch.

With a few bruises marring his cheekbones and chin, he looked like a fallen angel with those thick, dark hair and rumpled look dressed in pale blue hospital shirt and pjs.

I gently ran my fingers through his hair, slowly caressing a nasty purple bump on his forehead before getting startled when I found his dark eyes open and looking right at me with laser sharp focus.

No idea if it was getting startled or the intensity of his gaze that was making my heart hammer in my chest, but whatever it was, I welcomed it. Anything was better than the fear with which I had woken up just a few minutes ago.

"Hey," I whispered, maybe because he felt too fragile right then.

"You're okay," He whispered back, but mostly to himself as he took me in.

Then without warning, he straightened and pulled me to him so that I was suddenly sitting on his lap and his face was buried in the crook of my neck.

"Oh, God. You're okay. You are okay," He kept repeating it as I wrapped my arms around him tightly and kissed his shoulder, his hair and wherever else I could reach in this position.

"Yes, I am, Caleb. I'm absolutely fine. I'm okay." I reassured him again and again letting my fingers run through his hair, until he relaxed enough to sigh and pull back.

"I thought... I thought I lost you forever. And it would've been my fault. All my fault. Just like I lost her. Just like I lost mom."

I frowned. This was the first time I was listening to him mention his mother and it occurred to me that in all the time that I had known him, I've never heard what had happened to her, save for that one time when Leo had mentioned her on the night of his birthday party.

'That car crash didn't just kill my father. It killed Caleb's mother, too.'

"Your mom?"

At this, he seemed to snap out of his own thoughts, but then buried his face in the crook of my neck again and I felt him sob against me.

"What happened, Caleb?"

I asked again, as gently as I could now that the sense of foreboding was filling up within me again. I almost missed his answer that he mumbled against my skin.

"My mom. Who died all those years ago. Because of me."