Good-byes

Caleb's POV

I ran my fingertips down the satiny skin of her back again, relishing in my ability to do it as much as I pleased.

Just one more time.

That's what I've been telling myself all morning as I had kissed, touched and felt every bit of her against me, getting my fill of her.

Afterall, these memories were all that I'll be left with when I leave for Boston, leaving behind the only thing - the only person - that ever truly mattered to me.

For a briefest moment, I imagined what life would be like if she came to Boston with me. Taking over the responsibilities waiting for me there didn't feel as soul-sucking if I had her with me.

For a brief moment I foresaw my lack-lustre future fill up with vivid colours just by having her with me both on and off the clock.

Instead of feeling like the burden that it really was, taking over the empire seemed like a new start. A new life in which I could take on the whole world as long as I had Ruth with me.

I should ask her to come with me. It won't be hard to convince her, right? She loved me as much as I loved her, that I was sure of. If anything, I'd be doing both of us a favour by convincing her to come with me, right?

And if she refused because of her job, I would just offer her with a bigger promotion. I was the boss after all. I could literally give her any position she wanted, anything she asked for.

All I needed to do was to convince her to take a chance on me. To take a chance on us. To leave her life here behind and come start new one with me.

But as my plan slowly unfolded itself in my mind, a distinct sound of vibration pulled me out of my devious thoughts.

I looked over and saw her phone light up with a message under the name 'mom'.

'Call back, kiddo. I'm so worr-' The text notification cut off. Curiously, I picked up her phone and saw that wasn't the only message she had received.

There were 127 messages of all kinds and lengths waiting for her since yesterday, and 97 missed calls all from her various family members.

It occured to me that while Ruth knew more about me and my family than anyone else, I had no idea about hers except for the basics.

I didn't know how close she was to her family, how much they depended on her, and she on them both emotionally and financially.

I had just immediately assumed that she was as cut off from hers as I was from mine.

The reminder of my family sent a pang through me. No matter how much I hated Ana and wanted to keep my distance with my father, I knew I won't cut any of them off professionally, or personally even now when I had all the power to.

'We are Cross and we never betray or abandon family.'

Uncle Martin's words rang through my mind, loud and clear. No wonder his son had put up with my shitty attitude all these years.

I eyed the manila envelope containing the punishment that he had bestowed on me. Steve must have placed on the bedside table while he had picked some clothes for me to change at the hospital this morning.

Now that I was in Leo's shoes, I could see why he took care of my father - both financially and medically - all these years even though dad had been nothing but cruel to him.

I could also see why he took care of me by saving me from myself by not telling me the truth about that accident. Even though he could have cut him off me and my father a long time ago.

Because to him, Callahan Cross was family. I was family. And just like his father, he never abandoned family or made anyone else do it.

Unlike my father, who had tried to take me away from my mother all those years ago by poisoning my mind against her and uncle Martin.

And unlike me who had just been planning to do the same with the girl I loved. I even thought to lure her by bribing her with a job and position.

Suddenly I could clearly see why Leo and aunt Lydia saw my father in me.

Hell even I could see my father in me. Only thinking about what I wanted. Only caring about having the person I loved, without letting her choose for herself.

Snatching her away from the life she's always known, from her loved ones just so I could have her all to myself, just like my father had once tried to do it to me.

But the alternative was to leave her behind or maybe try a long distance relationship. And even as I thought about it, I knew it would never be enough for me. Or her.

As I looked down at her sleeping form, I asked myself the question whose answer I both knew and dreaded.

Did I love her enough to live without her?

**

Ruth's POV

The ticklish sensation of Caleb's fingers running up my back pulled me out of my short nap.

I opened my eyes to find him looking down at me with such love and longing that I felt it resonance deep within me, rattling my bones.

His eyes travelled up the length of my body slowly, as if memorising every inch of it before meeting my gaze.

When he found me watching him, he bent down until our faces were inches apart and whispered, "did I wake you?"

I shook my head, letting my nose brush against his. Even though I was exhausted from the lack of sleep last night, I didn't dare take more than a short nap for the unreasonable fear that when I woke up, he'll be gone.

No, not unreasonable, I reminded myself as I eyed the manila envelope right behind him.

"Are you hungry?" He asked again, his minty breath fanning over my face and this time I nodded.

Not because I was particularly hungry, but because I knew that this would make him jump out of bed to get me some food, letting me have the time I needed to choke back the tears that I could feel building up at the reminder of his impending departure.

"I'll get you something to eat then," He dropped a kiss on my forehead and jumped out of the bed before pulling on some pajama bottoms from his dresser and walking out of the room.

I swallowed hard, and thought back to the first time I'd been in his house and how put off I had felt when he had carried me to the guest room instead of his own.

And now that I was on his room, on his bed, it hit me hard of how it could be the last time I was here. Or did it have to be?

I eyed the manila envelope again. Do we really need to break up? Was there no other option left for us?

As the wheels of my mind churned, I felt the emotional volcano within me calm. I knew he had to go to Boston, the power of attorney Leo had made left him no other choice.

But we that didn't mean he had to go there alone. Of course, we could try long distance relationship, but I knew that my tendency to overthink plus lack of patience would not make it easy, and even less so for Caleb.

The only option I could see was for me to quit my job, drop everything that mattered to me to follow him to Boston.

Could I do it? Leave the job I had worked so hard for, my family who loved me, and whom I loved to bits and pieces even with all their flaws and shortcomings?

Was I being brave or foolish to consider following the man I had known and fallen for a little more than three months to an unknown place with an uncertain future, leaving behind the last 28 years of my life?

Especially when he hasn't once asked me to come with him? The thought made me frown as I fet the hurt pierce my heart like a thorn.

I didn't doubt Caleb's love for me. But while I was contemplating moving all the way to Boston with him - for him - leaving all my life, work, family and friends behind, he hadn't given slightest sign that he want me there.

It wasn't like he hadn't had the time. After all, he had barely left my side since I woke up yesterday afternoon.

Had every meal with me, slept on the couch in my hospital room, poured his heart out when he told me about his past, made love to me all morning and well into the afternoon.

Had conversation about everything and nothing, but didn't even think to ask me to come with him to Boston?

Did he not want me there? Was he leaving his past behind to start fresh and already considered a part of his past?

And was I forcing myself on him by wanting to accompany him there to be a part of his life while leaving mine behind?

I dropped my head in my hands. All this thinking made my head hurt. I needed to talk to him. Really talk to him. Ask him clearly what he wanted. Did he see me in his future, or was I going to end up being his past?

With my mind made up, I got off the bed and spied my bag near the ensuite door. Pulling out some fresh clothes, I marched inside and took a quick shower, forming arguments and counter arguments in my mind.

This was better, I decided as I packed my old clothes back into my bag. I had a plan. I knew what I wanted, and what lengths I was willing to go to get it.

All that was left was to find out what he wanted. If he wanted me to be in his future, I'll just have to rearrange my life enough to make it happen. I could do it for Caleb. For us.

Even though the prospect of telling my family about it was scary as hell, I'll do it.

And if he didn't want me there.... Well, I'll cross that bridge when I get there instead of torturing myself with what ifs.

With my mind made up, I marched out of the room and made my way to the kitchen.

"Caleb, we need to-" But I cut short when I saw him. He was leaning against the kitchen counter, shirtless, his shoulders slouched as if he felt like the world had just crashed over him.

His head was bowed over his hand that was clutching his phone. Even though he seemed to be in complete control of his senses, something about him reminded me of the lost boy I had found by the poolside so many months ago who didn't know where to be and what next to do.

The sight of him so lost and crushed drove every plan and argument out of my head and I rushed to him, pressing myself against him like I needed to give him support to stand.

"Caleb? Caleb, what happened?" I whispered, stroking his chest and shoulder when he lowered his head against my shoulder.

"Caleb? You're scaring me now, love. Tell me what happened." I whispered against his ear, but all it did was make him wrap himself around me tighter as he shook with whatever misery had gotten hold of him.

I let him be that way for a little while, but not knowing was killing me, so I pulled myself away from him and cupped his face, forcing him to look up.

"Caleb, is everything okay? Tell me what happened?"

When he met my eyes, I was startled to find his bloodshot and teary as he finally replied me hoarsely.

"No, Ruth. Everything is not okay. Ana just called. My father... My father is gone."

*

*2 days later*

I suppressed a sigh and vaguely nodded at the people coming in dressed in black and wearing a sympathetic expression while holding Caleb's hand tightly.

Even though I barely knew Callahan Cross, the thought of never crossing paths with him again filled me with a weirdly empty ache in my chest.

For some reason, I had started to feel like I could finally understand the man behind all those evil, scathing remarks and surliness. Like I could finally see past his hatred and anger, right to the lonely man buried deep within.

He was just like his son. Layered, complicated and probably in need of love but had no idea how to get it.

And now he is gone. His prolonged heart condition had finally won, leaving behind so many questions, lost opportunities, a scattered family and a heartbroken son.

I sneaked a peek at Caleb who wore the same impassive face that he had been wearing for the past 2 days.

After his initial breakdown, he had pulled himself together and went to the hospital where his father had breathed his last.

What had followed was a series of legal procedures and the burial, and an obituary of Callahan Cross' memorial being held at church today.

All through this, Caleb had barely spoken, eaten, slept or reacted to anything at all.

Even when Ana had hugged him, or when he'd seen his father's face for the last time, he hadn't broken his stoic expression, and that worried me more than anything else.

When almost every seat was filled with family and business acquaintances save for a few at the very back, I pulled Caleb to the front.

A makeshift podium was set and Father Jeffery cleared his throat to gain everyone's attention.

"In the name of the Father, of the son and of.... " I tuned him out as my gaze swept over the crowd of unfamiliar faces. I had no idea why this memorial was being held here rather than in Boston.

Surely they had their own family church there? But neither I nor anyone else dared to raise this question because I wasn't the only one who felt a sense of disconnect within Caleb.

My gaze landed on Ana and her husband sitting in the front row. She looked like a fallen angel with loss and regret etched all over her face as she looked at Caleb.

For some reason, I felt sorry for her, for this whole family who seemed like the last thread of connection between them, their final link, had finally been broken.

"..... The man he had always strived to be all his life...." As Father Jeffery talked on, my inner musings turned to the future. In all this time, we had still not had a chance to talk about his move to Boston.

He still hadn't asked me to come, but then what if he did? Will I be able to leave everything and follow him there? Will I leave behind my job, my friends, my family, my whole freaking life?

Or it'll be him who I will have to let go?

I tried to not take it as some cosmic sign that this thought followed Caleb letting go of my hand to walk up to the podium for his eulogy.

"Thank you everyone, for coming here today to share our grief at my father Callahan Cross' passing."

He started, his dark gaze sweeping over the crowd. He still hadn't broken his stoic expression, but I could sense something boiling within him, just below the surface and that made everyone sit up and pay attention to what he was about to say.

"I realise that many of you who knew my father, both personally or professionally, didn't like him all that much." That followed a ripple of snorts, sighs and few laughter though Caleb didn't look like he was joking.

"Believe me when I say that I shared your sentiments most of the time. Ever since I was young, we have shared a complicated relationship. Maybe because of his less-than-pleasant demeanor, or maybe because of mine."

"All my life, I strived to not be like him. I know that these are not very good words to his memories, but it's true none-the-less. Every decision that I had taken was to set myself apart from him, to be different from him. But in doing so, inadvertently I had let him become the reason for every one of my actions or decisions."

"The life that I have today, and the life that I am about to lead henceforth, is his legacy. His final gift to me. Because in pulling myself away from him, I never realised just how close he had always been to me."

He looked at the crowd, but his eyes were glassy now. I saw Ana dab her eyes discreetly beneath her husband's arm as she watched Caleb longingly.

She would have no excuse to have him around anymore, just like me. The thought swept through me like a tidal wave and I imagined myself looking just like Ana did right then, with a look of dread, sorrow and longing all etched on my face.

"I remember the memorial that was held for my mother and uncle Martin, and how disgusted I was when my father couldn't speak a single emotional word to honor either of them. And here I am, standing at his memorial, with nothing more than cold words and bitter memories, just like him. Loving people but having no idea how to keep them around, just like him."

At this, his eyes roamed from Ana to somewhere at the back of the room. I followed his gaze, and for the first time, saw a familiar tall, imposing figure sitting at the very back of the crowd.

Leo looked on with an impassive expression, then as if sensing my gaze, his dark eyes turned to meet mine and for a moment, I saw a glimpse of the man behind every mask and every facade.

I had expected to see anger, or his usual smirk. But as he looked at me, I couldn't help but think that he looked sad. And not just for the death of his family, but sad for me. Before I could ponder onto that, Caleb's next words answered all my questions.

"My father taught me how to be hungry, how to state facts, but not how to be loving, caring and gentle, or how to be the man that people would strive to be like years after he's gone. And that's a lesson I need to learn the hard way. To become someone who is worthy of people in my life, even if that means staying away from them."

With that, he turned to look straight at me. His gaze only lingered for a few seconds, but suddenly I knew.

He spoke some more, thanking the people for joining us here and holding a few minutes of silence to honour the departed, but I couldn't concentrate on any of it.

Because I knew that when he left a few minutes later without so much as a glance towards me, he wasn't just walking out of the church. He was walking out to punish himself, to live the life he thought he deserved by leaving everyone who loved him behind. Including me.