1 Prologue: Ch A: The Ugliest Man In the World

"What's up squad fam! It's EDP555 here, and today I'm gonna teach you how to get girls by DMing them! Step 1: Compliment them. Trust me you guys, a little compliment goes a long way! Just don't complement her on weird stuff. Stick to the basics. Complement on her looks, or her makeup, or her jewelry"

I pause the video and grin. Alright. If I complement her on not-weird stuff like her looks, I get a date. Easy peasy. How the hell was I a virgin for this long?!

I open the messaging app and I start shivering. Partly in fear and anticipation, partly because I can't afford to turn the heater on.

I type:

"Wassup baby girl. I heard you give your phone number to the Ikea staff today, but you looked so fine, I had to note it down too. I know you don't know who I am, please don't call the cops. Let me tell you who I am. I'm your dream boyfriend. Daddy's gotta go to work now, so I won't be online. But if you want me that bad, call me. 🍆 🍆 🍆 💦 🥵🥵"

Fuck me, I'm a literary genius. Even Shakespeare would cry tears of joy after reading this. I won't be surprised if she asks me out after reading this message.

"That definitely wasn't creepy. I followed what Mr. EDP555 told me. And he gives great dating advice" I say to myself. EDP is a highly esteemed youtuber known for his incredibly successful romantic life.

I look at the time. 11 PM. That snaps me out of my state of bliss. I sigh. I work night shifts, and my job starts at 12. Misery. To be given an intense source of joy only to immediately take it back and replace it with dread. I swear, dude. Only life. I'll have to face my responsibilities, my boss, and worse- women. My body goes into stress mode and I have an immediate urge to take a shit. It's a very weird thing my body does when I go into stress.

FUCK! I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AT MY JOB AT 11 TODAY!

Sorry butthole, no time to shit. Get it together, dude. I plant my butt on the bicycle, hoping that would be enough to physically stop me from pooping and I ride to work.

I ninja my way to the entrance. Women everywhere. Shit. Emergency Code Delta. Looks like I'll have to follow the kidnapper-camouflage procedure. I wait, hiding behind the entrance wall, peeking through the glass doors. I must have looked like a creep because some of the women notice me and whisper concerningly among themselves. Some of them call the security and point at me. Doesn't matter. Even if I lose my dignity, I'm not getting near a woman. It'll only make things worse for both of us.

I hear footsteps behind me. I turn around, it's a woman. Shit. My stress response kicks in. She takes one look at my face and starts puking in disgust.

Hello readers, I'm Josei. the self-titled Ugliest Man in the World. And I just shit myself.

"I'm so sorry" she says. "I wasn't even thinking abo-bleeurgh" she takes one more look at my face and pukes on my shoes. "I'm so sorry I-bleeurgh" she looks at my face again and pukes some more.

"Uhh..No problem." I say. I'm trying to keep the remaining half of the poop in my butt. Only half of the poop came out. I concentrate on my butthole. Everyone disappears. The office building, the parking lot, The vomiting girl still not learning her lesson and staring at my face, everything disappears. I will my butt to suck the poop back in.

"HNNNNNRGH"

The poop enters back into my butt. Phew. Safe.

I then open my eyes and realize I'm with a woman.

My stress returns, along with the poop. I give up. I put one hand on my pants, trying to hold the poop in place.

"Sorry lady, gotta go." I say and enter the building. I rush into the toilet. So far, it's one of the better days. Usually I'd have a whole crowd of girls crying and puking and fainting after taking a look at my face. I always bring a spare pair of underwear with me. I change my underwear, hide the old one in the washroom as a "little surprise" for the janitor and get to work.

"Ah, Josei! There you are, you bastard!" Tomodachi yells at me.

"Oh hi. How are you doing?" I reply. Being as polite as possible. I don't want to mess another friendship up.

"I'm doing great. You look as depressed as always dude"

"This is my happy face" I grumble.

Tomo is a good friend of mine. He treats me kindly. And thankfully, my face doesn't affect men, so he doesn't experience extreme allergic reactions when he sees me.

"Hey Bob!" I hear a feminine voice. It's Chloe. "H-hey Josei" she says, only peeking at my face for an instant.

"Woah, Chloe, you managed to see Josei's face without peeing and collapsing on the ground?!" Tomo laughs.

"Yes, I'm improving." Chloe says. "I only peed up half my underwear today!" she says proudly, as a dark stain slowly starts growing in her pants. How she manages to be proud about that I do not know.

"That's…that's great?" I say. I do not know how to reply to this.

"Thanks!" she replies enthusiastically.

"Anyways, I'd like to borrow Tomo for a moment. C'mere I gotta show you something." she says and does the 'come here' sign to Tomo with her finger. Her eyes convey everything. The way she peeks at him when he's not looking. The way she looks longingly at him. The way she lights up whenever she sees him. She likes him very much.

"Aw, I just met Josei. I wanted to catch up!" he says. But I know he wants to go to her. He does the same things Chloe does when she sees him. He likes her too.

"Alright, I'll see you later then" she acts mock-disappointingly and begins to walk away. She's fucking with him. She knows he'll play along and come to her.

"Hey- wait" Tomo calls after her. "I'll catch up with you later dude. Gotta go, she's pissed" he says even though he knows that she isn't. He walks to her, visibly glowing. And the two of them huddle closely together, talking. Like penguins, or something. I dunno.

It's like a weird game that they're playing. They're pretending, acting and playing along. And I don't know how to appropriately react. So I just stand there, looking like a clown, watching them walk away and a lump forms in my heart. I wanted to scream "Just start dating already!"

Must be nice, flirting with someone. Having someone look at you like that. Like they want to be with you. Like they view you as something more than just another human. I haven't felt it myself, but I've seen it happen a lot of times around me. I'd imagine myself in scenarios like that while I'm in bed and I'd enjoy doing it.

I had a few recurring of dreams about that too. I'd always be talking to the same girl while walking in a street during a pitch-black winter night, with nobody around. Just me and her, talking. With yellow and neon lights illuminating the area around us. I enjoyed being with her. Just hanging out felt really fun. I didn't have to force my personality. It's like I could effortlessly say anything and she'd find that interesting, and sometimes even laugh so hard that her stomach hurt. And sometimes she'd throw me this look. Her eyes managed to look both mischievous and happy at the same time. It was like her eyes were speaking to me clearly. I could see how she felt. I started getting this dream when I was about fifteen. And twelve years later, I still get it. And even though I've managed to look uglier, this girl would still give me that same look. She's kissed me exactly twice. And I know, kisses aren't really at the top of the sexy-sex chain, but that made me feel happy, wanted. Like I'm a human. Fuck sex. I just want to be loved. Hell, I'd break down crying if someone even hugged me.

I'm jealous of that. I'm jealous of what Chloe and Tomo have.

Fuck it, I'll browse through Reddit, then start work. I'm running late, but I couldn't care.

Let's see…. War, new disease, a flying truck, alien reports. I just want memes, dude. Not news. And then I see it. Amongus Morbius. And I piss myself laughing (not literally piss myself). Funniest meme I've ever seen.

Work is mind numbingly boring. I regret my life. I wasted every opportunity that I got. I did not use my brain one bit. I either did what others told me to do or followed my emotions. If only I could go back. I'd try using my brains for once. Maybe follow my dreams and become a detective. Because I thought-and still think- detectives are the coolest people on the planet. But I believed everyone in my life say that I'm too dumb for it. Maybe I should have just believed in myself. Too late for any of it. Just finish your work and go home.

10 hours pass. Feels like a day. No-one's left in the office anymore. I stretch, and feel relieved. I look at my phone. I remember the message I sent to the girl.

She blocked me.

I suddenly feel a great sense of shame. What am I doing with my life? Negative emotions engulf me. It feels like I'm in a cyclone. This is miserable. Why is my life so miserable? Is this all there is to life? Just working a sad job, going home, eating, trying to flirt, failing miserably and repeating the entire thing the next day?

I'm better off dead.

Everything disappears, the only things that matter is myself and the mini-panic attack that I'm having. I'm so in my head that I don't even notice a truck crash through the glass wall of the 24th floor and crush me.

I died. The end.