1 Mental Illness

What it's like to live a life like me. I have mental illnesses and brain issues are not fun. My boyfriend was being a dick and he said not to swear in my goddamn book so fucking much, and that is just not in my skill set and it does not align with corporate values. It is me bitches, I'm corporate and it does not align with my values. Anyways, he is right, I should not swear that much, however, I will not censor myself. I have had to censor myself my whole life and pretend everything was fine. I never got to choose what people knew. My ex-mother always either told everyone or everyone had no clue. It is a shame they only knew the better of the worst. No one has a clue who I really am or what goes on with me, what goes on inside my head. I wish someone could understand me to the fullest extent. Hell, I wish I could understand myself to the fullest extent. I wish anyone could understand who I even am.

In what world does anyone get to be understood?

Chapter 1: PTSD

PTSD is like a hellish rollercoaster ride that breaks between every ride. But like so is every fucking other mental illness I have homies. But back to PTSD, it is feeling your body violated over and over again, far after it happened. It is feeling like you have lost all control because you have no power over when flashbacks or nightmares happen.

Example one: I'm at the grocery store and all I need is fucking milk, but I think I saw him, I think he's here. What if he's following me? What if he's here to hurt me? I think I just saw him again. I think he's behind me. Oh whew, thank god, just another man with blonde hair and a ginger beard. It wasn't him, but maybe it was, maybe the man I just saw is a coincidence. What if he's still here? Is that him again? Why is he with a little kid? Maybe that's just someone who looks like him.

Example two: It's 10:00 pm and I can't sleep. I think I saw him today, driving in his car going the opposite way I was going. I've got to lock my door for the fifth time because I'm not sure if I locked it well last time. I don't want him to come and hurt me. What if he knows where I live? It's okay, and I'll just lock my door one more time so I don't die.

Example 3: I can't stop thinking about him today. 3 years ago today I was with him, maybe I made this all up and he never hurt me. I think maybe he did love me, I should have stayed and fixed him. I could have helped him. No, maybe I should have pressed charges, at least then there would be no possibility of him contacting me and putting me under his insidious spell again. What if he was good? What if I'm the crazy one. What if I do love him. No. I don't love him. I loved the good in him. I wish that was who he was all the time.

Example 4: I can't breathe, I can feel him on top of me, pinning me against the wall, and preventing me from stopping him. I can hear the rain from that night. I feel the raindrops on my skin. I can still smell the alcohol on his breath and feel how drunk I was, how helpless I was. How scared I was to even say stop. Maybe if I said it more than once he would have. What if it's my fault he got away with taking my innocence? What if he does this to another girl? It would surely be my fault.

Example 5: Maybe my boyfriend does not really love me, he is just so good to me. I feel like he doesn't really want to be with me, how could anyone want to be with someone who thinks as I do? Who wants to be with someone who has flashbacks, and trust issues? Who would really want to be with someone like me? Why be with me if you have to deal with all my bullshit? Maybe he can see past it all, and he loves me for who I am, not what this all has made me into. I wish I was more like the old me because the old me was so much better.

Chapter 2: Anxiety

I can not remember a time where my head was not racing, I can not remember not wondering if people truly like me or they merely just put up with me because they feel bad. I wish I did not have to wonder whether my friends, my family, and the love of my life really even want to be around me. I hate wondering if people really like me or not. I hate feeling like there is no possible way people really enjoy being around me. My head constantly makes me question myself, along with everyone's motives towards me.

Chapter 3: Depersonalization

I hate feeling like I am not in my body like my body does not belong to me, and I am not here on this planet. I watch myself from outside of me, and it is becoming harder to function with every waking breath I breathe.

You never know what goes on behind closed doors and what someone has gone through, always be kind to people. Show compassion and empathy, be someone people know they can go to, because wouldn't you rather listen to someone tell you about their problems than hear their eulogy? So many people suppress and hide their emotions and their past, it's unfair. If everyone were a little more sympathetic and compassionate there would be so many fewer problems in the world.