1 1. Trauma's Den

For a long time I was in the complete incapacity of taking any train, any subway, or any engine that could run on rails. The simple sound of the stinking clash between the steel wheels and the polished rails would shaken me to the point a sick taste would sit on the back of my mouth.

Only could I be completely destabilized, as I was standing in front of the subway station entrance, my feet weakly standing on the hot asphalt, summer warmth only making me more dizzy and sick. My heart was beating, ready to implode, pressured by my thoracic cage. I was glancing at the entrance eyes half shut as I tried to manage my poor focus. I was so sweaty that my glasses were sliding down the top of my nose and I could hardly breath, too anxious to make any move.

It was PTSD, a mental problem I tried hard to cope with, seeing countless of psychiatrist for nothing less then three years. Never succeeding to overcome the overwhelming amount of anxiety and fear that made my life so miserable. So there I was,trying hard to control a sudden strike of hyperventilation, in front of the gate to my hell. Hamilton Station was written on big blue capital letters next to the local subway sigle, right on top of the never ending stairs.

People were passing by me, ignoring the presence of an odd girl who was doing nothing but standing there for who knows how long. They didn't pay me much intention and it was better like that, I was fed up of the so complicated life my trauma gave me.

I could not do anything, going out on a trip or downtown was a hassle. No city didn't have a railway channel, and to me, getting into one wasn't the only problem; Just a sight of anything related to it were a trigger, a good enough reason to make my curly hair straighten up of my head, green eyes shut so they would never open and my brown skin almost turn white. I wanted to change all this. I wanted to go out normally, I was too young to be stuck in my home all the time, but too old to count on my single mother all the time.

"It'...it's alright...I can do it...;"

Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes for a moment in hope everything would get better once opening them. My ears were ringing as loud as a teapot, until I could not hear a single thing. It was quite, certainly the most quite time I had for three years. Lighten of all worries as anxious though, I was floating in a see of nothingness, then a single flash - few milliseconds that felt like hours- woke me up from the numbness, and there were nothing.

The world around me was empty of people, only was there the scenery: trees place here and there for the sake of hypocritical "eulogistic" design,empty streets, and my biggest fear, the subway station that looked oddly big with no ones around.

"Did I perhaps lost consciousness while standing?.....No way, what is going on?"

I felt weird, in the middle of an extreme peace and strong discomfort. How long was I standing there? I wondered, looking at the twilight sky. I could not have stayed sending there a whole day, after all, I was there in the morning, around 9 A.M or so, which meant that me being out there standing still for at least 11 hours was impossible. However I was there, a reddish sky looking down on my pathetic self.